Not What I Hoped For

Couldn't post this when I wrote it. It was a bit painful.

Season did not end the way one would like. High hopes, deep run, and with head held high. Ranked #1 for playoffs, but the team that played was good. Record did not reflect the level of play. Its hard to look at times. Was the competition that good? Was the loss of the heart and soul of the key standout player? Was it history asserting past performance?

No team meeting on the field last night. 10-1 hurts most when the last game is lost. It hurts because all the hard work this season ended in a decisive loss. No doubt the other team was good. They played in the PAC 7 division. Teams from this league win State Championships. Highly regarded as one of the best backs in Southern California did not suit up because of injury. Weather was colder than normal.

All these reason are a factor. Trouble is team did not perform as well as before. Band was quiet. Players on the sideline were a whisper. Fans were shouting at players instead of lifting them up. People that normally would be screaming enthusiasm were packing up and leaving early. The team with 30 seconds left in the game, got lined up in a hurry to get off the field. It felt like one's heart was torn out.

This is a troubling feeling. Hitting rock bottom. All the dreams and expectations get slapped. One questions all the long held beliefs. We're we that good? We're destined for Championship?Where did our heart and swagger go?

Now is a time for deep reflection. It is time to remember the past.

Goodbye?

I has sad.

It is what she posted.  Its how I feel. Not up. Weighed Down. That is what it feels like. Been like this all day.Trying hard not to give it more energy. Don’t want to feed that wolf biting at my soul. I know this temporary. I hope. Weather is cold outside and all I want to do is get under the blanket and just cocoon.

Not wanting the brisk air. Just want. . .Heck, it is being defriended by someone I would like to be close to. 

Not mine. Feels like the door is being closed. I am afraid it might be forever.

Hollow right now. There is much to be happy about. Still my glasses are dim and I am not feeling the Love. Its funny how a simple act as a click can change your whole day. A simple click can bring light to a very dark mood. A simple click can turn out all the happiness away.

This is deluded and not very healthy. So much to be thankful for. So much to reach for. So much. . .Yet,  when it is not the one you want. Not the one you need. It is just a shake my head and go. Not wanting this feeling. Not being wanted. Guess this how I made her feel.

She doesn’t need me. Don’t think she even wants me. Don’t blame her.

So do I break a promise and close this door. Do I accept this and turn away. I’m at that point of no return.

Accept goodbye?

True Discovery

Not the way, one would like the season to end.

It was a rough discovery. A key player was lost to injury. Weather was cold. Team from the other division were better than their record reflected. All these don’t matter. It was a factor, but not ever the true test.

People cried. Coaches went silent. Players on the sidelines were a whisper. The usually rowdy crowd of fans that jumped up and cheered were seated and quieted. No after game talks. No family and friends on the fields. Just a quiet, early exit out the stadium and that was the end of the season.

Ten and one season. Finally getting over Valencia. Making them give up. A great performance was always expected. Soundly winning Golden League. School history. An undefeated regular season. One hundred and fifty plus win for the coach.

Maybe after the sting of the loss, then maybe we could see the season for what it is. The colored glasses are tinged with hurt and doubt right now.  In time, maybe. Just painful when the only loss of the season is the last one.

High expectation. Great regular season.  Early exit. Whew. . .Just rough.

Don’t want to throw away a great performance because one defeat. There is a mighty foundation here.  Many good things happened. Stadium was filled. Fans were showing school pride. Cheerleaders were enthusiastic. The band. . .well, their musical choice seemed a bit high brow. I mean Stonehenge for half-time show. Still we showed them love. Great success was expected. There was purpose, team purpose.

This playoff test was to be the first of many in this deep run.

Discovery—Other team was victorious.

It was chilling. At the end of the game, heads were not held high. Not the fiery battle of the team’s soul, it felt inevitable. It felt like factors gave them permission. Weather, loss of big time players, opponents played in a division where State championships were won with regularity. Team performance this year raised the level of expectations. Big plays were expected. Blow out victories by half time. Outcome of the game was long decided.

This game big plays just did not happen with regularity. Half time was tied at 7.  Average point disparity for the undefeated regular season was almost forty points. Offense was not as successful.  The other team went for 4^th down and long and converted.

One could sense it was different this game. In the way the other team warmed up. In the tone of the players. In the way, whole game was played.  There were glimpses throughout the game that gave the our crowd Hope. In the end, this one the team performed better.

Big test is this. Will the team, the individual players, all those involved—will they take this setback and use it to fire them up? Will the expectations remain high? Can the this team take this knockout blow and get back up again, better than before? Soul searching is a rough task. Still one realization…is this. Its not over, it is never over. Now is a time, when Lambs become Lions. This is a time to get stronger than before. One loss hurt, but it is time to get better than before.  May beat the body. May lose the Mind. Can’t defeat the Spirit. 

This is the great Discovery. 

Discovery Time

There’s a joy in the morning. Music playing with rumblings of tomorrow just out the door. Sun shining through the dark skies as all the fears and sorrows begin to be washed away with onrush of possibilities. Every decision made guided by making tomorrow better than yesterday. Regrets, sadness, could-have-beens--Gone. As the sun warms the face, all the tears are dried away. All the hurt is healed. All gone for something better.

As the truck turns the corner, there is a roar for tomorrow.  The other team will be heading soon. A four hour drive from Atascadero. Their players are good, but the record does not reflect many victories. One game at a time. Tonight may be a classic. Weather is storming and the aura of undefeatability is again to be tested. Almost all the games our team won were handled easily. Margins of victory have been heavy. Was the competition light or was our team that good? We will learn that today. 

Any Given Sunday –This saying means on any given day. One team can win. One can Team can lose. What the real test is this, Can one Win or Lose like a Man. It is the competition that matters. Winning and losing are not what is important.  If one focuses on the little things, they may miss the heavenly glory.  

Weather is cold and unlike anything ever faced this year. Team is from up North where the competition is tough.  Our team is undefeated and may be too cocky. Past playoff performances have been good, but the ultimate title still unachieved.  Many possible excuses to not win exist. Will this team discover victory?

It is battle within oneself. Fighting the elements. Battling one’s self doubt. It is competing against the other’s skill, will, and heart.  It comes down to 48 minutes of playing time between the 100 yard field.  All the planning and preparation comes down to execution. From whistle to whistle, does this team deserve the number one ranking?

Still, there is calmness a midst all the rumblings. Tomorrow meets today. All these doubts and expectations—All the planning and preparation—All past victories and losses—All comes down to today. No more time to practice and prepare. No more time to regret yesterday. No more time to ready for tomorrow.  Today is the Day. It is right now where all possibilities become choices.  No more this way or that. It is time where one defines his history. All those what-ifs become this is what happened.

There is a smile that rumblings of the past will no longer be relevant.  There is a smile that Future is right now.  What will matter will be the inches of grass. Decisions will be made without thought. Step too early or too late will mean a first down or touchdown.  Every minute, every second will matter. The will one team tested by another’s.

 Discoveries are made.  Did all head work ready the team for today? Was all the physical preparation enough to match their athleticism? Did all practice make ready this team to be  mistake free?

Questions will be answered today. Are they more athletic? Are they better coached? Will the team’s true heart be shown? Will our team's heart rise? Will our team win the last game? It’s one and done now. Win, we move on. Lose, let us not entertain this thought.  Its test time. There is joy in knowing that it’s time to find out. Will all the hard work mean a victory? Will all that you have done in the past prepared for you today? It brings a smile to one’s face. There is warmness that comes around. 

Why? Because today is a day of Discovery.

Waves Crash

Skies are dark. Heavy with clouds, ready to burst. So close, you feel that you could jump at let the showers rain. Winds are howling something fierce.  Wish that I could open the window and let the inside stuff out. Got to hold on to what I got right now. Not ready to let things past just yet. Too much has passed to be lazy with caution.

Not sure what tomorrow brings just yet. Feeling tomorrow coming faster than I am ready. Its always been that way, I guess. Future is coming on. Picking up steam with every passing moment.  Sure its been constant, steady.  Still with every moment, I can feel the decisions of yesterday hitting harder than before. Its like a cliff standing against storm. Waves crash and it feels that nothing can harm you. Before too long you notice, what was once an unbreakable foundation is turning in to pebbles and sand. Part of you is being crushed. Looking ahead you don’t feel yesterday being washed away.

It is you know. Being swept away in the currents.

One thinks they may be the Rock of Gibraltar, but realization that there is a hole being etched beneath you. Reminds me of the Arches of Moab. An invisible wind cuts and pokes the weakest points. Don’t notice it at first, but before that little scratch becomes a scar than a gash. Little things that would not bother now, triggers unwarranted anger. Like an exposed nerve constantly prodded. One does not know why you become so sensitive to minor things.

Bursts of anger. Temper tantrums would not phase you before, now causes you to fires in your eyes. Your voice becomes low. Your words more curt and breathy. A silent rage ready to howl like the winds outsid. These constant barrages are penetrating the thick skinned,  calmed demeanor.

If the foundation must crumble and the rocks becomes pebbles, then let it. If the crash must come, then let its crumbling leave a splash that others will feel. If the rage must come, well, let it be reminder that all things fall and that time must be enjoyed now. 

Turn Out the Lights. . .

It's over.

Now the lingering after effects will come to place. No more bombardment. Now just bitter feelings on how the world will end. Moreover, there will be ungracefulness of poor sportsmanship. Not that some of this bitter needling is without merit. It is just that there will be a time to lay up and get to the work in hand. 

Can't say that I am not relieved with the endless political advertisement. I am. Its just the reason I became a GDI is that I wanted to get some distance. I wanted to maintain some perspective. Used to be a political activist working on Congressional and Gubernatorial races. Phone banked, recruited at fairs, even held signs burma shaving at college football games. Protested and paraded in downtown Boston. Attended TV primary debates. Questioned a former US Presidential candidate/ Senator at town hall debates and even hung out with some Secret Service agents after a few events. 

Now I actively don't. Sure I have feelings, concerns, and opinions about a number of issues. If you ask me, I may tell. My quota dealing with scary, closed minded individuals was filled years ago. Double speak of some clueless, entitled candidates. Tactics of not letting the other win--not because their ideas weren't good or the characters was not high--it was because they played for the other team. Dehumanizing way people talk to each other, it made me ill.

I have this friend from school that was and still is an active GOP member. Been meaning to ask, "Why?" The people in the party we both met are not so nice. (Had to re-write this a few times. My previous re-writes were not so nice) Still, the party that I joined is no longer a party I want to associate myself. What the Hell with a Senatorial Candidate, saying about Rape Victims and pregnancy. I could go on. Still have a few friends that has are GDI and Dems now because they saw and heard the same things I did.I mean some of the loudest pundits are just mean. The direction of the leadership is  heading to place of exclusiveness. 

I can foresee his logical explanation. The crazies of the party are like bad team players. All teams have them. Sure they have a minor following, as most big teams, but they don't represent the entire team. They are just rogue and will be quelled. From my experience, there seemed to be a lot of them. It felt like inmates were running the asylum and that the leadership was barely holding on. 

Anyways, that is my political rant. Just wanted to be as apolitical as possible. I understand the need to step up and fight for a cause. Truly believe that unless you are in, you can't really know. Well, I've been and I didn't like who I was becoming by staying in. Being in felt like making hot dogs. It was tough to stomach watching the cattle go by (I know porcine) then being gutted, hung, sliced, and grounded in to a nice cute packaged. There was a densenstization to the process. Objectifying effect and coldness in the soul that I found unhealthy. Don't get me wrong. Its part of society. Many would say necessary. Still, since I have a choice not to play a part, than I will keep a distance and maintain my perspective. 

Think its time, to shake the other one's hand and say, "Good game, good luck, and until next time."

They Wake Me

Morning rumblings. Green dump truck wakes me up. Loud and angry they carry the week away.  Remnants of times passing. Green receptacles carries good intentions. Cardboard boxes and plastic bottles ready to be remade. Gray container hold the biomass waste. Tree trimmings and shaved yards halfway fill her. Designed pumpkins of Transformer logo and a hyperflexible gymnast have met its last days. The blue trash can holds the rest.

Three visits wake me. Still I fight to sleep.

Yet, the squeaky school bus has other intentions. Flashing red lights command others to stop. Neighbor kids gets special consideration. Cars halt in their hurry to make first period. They won't. Child takes his time to get to on his yellow chariot. Doesn't he know its Friday and he will be home soon. 

Yesterday it was All Saint's Day. Flowers at the cemetery were removed. None has been for awhile. Grass grew over the plant holders in our absence. Tiny ants raced across the plaques as I uprooted their transit. Next week is Tatay's death anniversary. Its been almost twenty years since he passed. 

Family has changed since then. Many more additions since last Sr was here. Babies having babies. New cousins and new young ones join the brood. One would think there would be more visits. It doesn't happen. They don't know who you and Rochelle are. Its a hard lesson to learn. In a generation and half, there will be no more flowers. No more visitors. No more people. 

Visits are longer now. It is harder to get here. Bodies are less nimble. Financial worries cut phone calls and visits short. We call to invite the parents, but she's always at work and he's a regular at the hospital. Seeing hooked up on the ventilator. . .Eyes closed, breathe shallow. His body losing its battle with time. I read the son's cries for help. No longer the little one. He now holds his own little one. Brother is an ocean away. With  his own little princess. 

Trouble I see for the future. Tough times ahead. 

Another visitor may move in soon.

This is no different from the generations before. I've learned this as my own mortality was realized. I sat by Tatay wondering why one's work after getting out of the hospital. She said, "He is playing Russian Roulette with his life." After being in ICU means you were in critical care, then to head to work less than hour later. I shake my head. They say, they feel sorry for him. I don't. If this is how he wants to spend his time, then let him. For a man, work is great part of who they are. This was drilled into him. Society does not look kindly to those not being productive. When is the last time you looked a homeless person in the eyes?

If your sincerity were true, you would have been more active. This was hard one for me to accept, too. If you felt sorry for him, you should have taken those cigarettes away. You had years to do it. Why weren't you there? He suffers because he can't breathe. No one put a gun to his head and told him to suck the nicotine stick. He was seduced and he went willingly. During his time wife's pregnancy, during his daughter's treatment, during his doctor's hospital visits, he chose. Stress of work, stress of home, stress from childrens' well being the nicotine stick was his comforter. It helped him to breathe and find a temporary respite. Now its time for his body to collect rent for years of nicotine oasis. Years of choices demands recompense.

Certainly there was an attraction to the cancer sticks brought on by the media. It is much how politicians today tell there stories we know aren't true. We see the smile. Coiffed hair. The insincerity. We know the candidate has trouble with the truth. We believe their lives because the stories they tell eases our incongruity, We think one cigarette is not going to effect the pregnancy. It is just smoke. We believe not smoking in their presence will stop the second hand smoke from entering the child's room. It is using the withdrawal method to halt pregnancy.

We pretend that these steps do not have any effect. 

We close our eyes to the trick or treating of the week. We hope to sleep longer. But the reality of trucks remain undeterred. They will wake you.