Barnes & Nobles: I Keep Seeing Dead People. . .

Writing in the dark again. Need a beacon. Is there anyone out there listening? Why do I write? Do I have something to say? Is it worth listening? Whew. Its like working out for a few weeks and you don’t know any noticeable difference. Have I plateaued?  Is there more? Do I got the stuff? Feel like a message in a bottle in the ocean floating in the seas wondering if I will reach someone. Maybe I have lost a direction. I feeling like I am going under. Its late and I sit writing in the Barnes. Finished a good work out. Listening to internet radio Chill Out Lounge 202 FM. Listening to “Music,  My Sanctuary.”

I would see the guys working out in the middle of the night. Just in the zone. I wondered why they do this. Don’t they have someone to go home to? Are they working out for some health reason? Why is are they out and about working out? I just wonder.

Where are you? Do you hear me writing? Don’t know if you want to hear what I have to say? Are you there? This is what is meant to be. Took to long for you and me. Its the song on my headphones. I sit and see an old man sitting at the next table. He’s wearing a light brown members only jack. Black and grey hair pulled back into a pony tail. (I had a pony tail, some time ago, too) He must be in his 60s or 70s. I hear him call and speak to some random person. I get the feeling he’s just existing. I see him here and there at Barnes and 24 Hours all the time. Introduced myself to him some time back. I hope I'm not him in my years to come.

Another guy sits in the next table. His name is Fernando. He was a year ahead of me in high school. Good tennis player from what I remember. I used to see him hit the ball at McAdams Park. He looks older. He’s drinking a venti from Starbucks. He looks dead in the eyes. We don't make contact. He's deep in his book.

Another girl sits across from me, college sophomore. She’s wearing a grey sweater. An old lady's sweater. Hand on her head as she pours over her psychology or anatomy book. I see a diagram of neuron. It's almost ten o'clock. She doesn't look happy. Maybe its a first midterm. Lips are pursed. Dark brown hair that goes past her shoulder. Eyes are looking down. No life in her eyes. Just a serious, no joy in her eyes look. I wonder if its worth it to her.

I was going to sit back in the religion section but there was guy I used to play basketball. His name is Chris. He’s Filipino. He’s going to USC, I think. Studying something. Nursing, probably. He was an okay basketball player. He looks older now. I wonder why he is studying so much. I’m sure I could go sit down and reminisce, but it would dredge time long passed. Don’t know if I want to go there and re-live opportunities missed and life lived these so many years. He's looks frustrated too. His hand is on his head, too. Frustrated. His eyes seem down.

Thought I recognized another old friend at 24hours while doing cardio. His name was Raman. Glasses, a little heavier from what I remember. He looks older. Maybe it was a relative. We knew each other at AVC. A good guy from India. We played a lot of chess and pool.  It could not be him because he’s in GOA in India on some poker team.Doppleganger Raman just walked in and walked out. No joy in his eyes.

My eyes dilated while on the lifefitness cycle. On the Bicep curl machine, a few feet away, I thought I saw M. Looked the same age. A junior in high school. Asian. She had a green streak in her hair. It has been so long since I seen her. Too long. Too, too long. I hope she will forgive me and I hope she lets me in her life. I need to see her. I hope she'll let me in. Our eyes connected, but we both looked away. I don't think it was her. How I wished it was her.

I keep seeing the people. Of course, I see people. Its just. . . I don't know.  People I knew but didn’t know. Could be cordial. Could ignore them. Could let it pass. What would you do? I could feign interest, but I guess the Doubt and Fear Gremlins have strong presence here. I am somewhat interested, but not so much. What do I do? What would you do? Don’t know where this down and negative thoughts have come from? Do I want to relive the past and remember time lost? Is my medication effecting my mood? Is my blood sugar low? I don’t know. The weather may have something to do with it? Maybe its SAD, seasonal affect disorder.

No, this is selfish of me. There is a reason I keep seeing people from my past. I should risk and say, “Hi.” and learn from this encounter. Something wonderful may come this moment. Maybe they have answer to a question I have. Maybe I have an answer a question they have? When we spoke before there was something?  

Guess, I will just write and see where this vein will take me. Music is a bit haunting and its getting late. Tomorrow will bring a new day. Just breathe. (Pictures are just random I have taken these last couple of months) Breathe.

Yeah, I Am Not So Smart At Times

Scary Stuff

Learning more and more people are reading my blog. It’s a bit scary. Not that I did not think it would happen. Not that I didn’t want people to read my blog. It is just that it is becoming more and more real. All I see is three followers. However, I get emails here and there. Some I know. Some, I don’t.  More and more people are learning about my life, my thoughts, my every thing. It is scary.  It’s scary to be so exposed. It’s scary learning people-you-know know stuff about you, you did not directly tell them. You learned the stuff they know are because the blogs you posted.  Basically, I am a private person. I don’t mind being alone here and there. I don’t get lonely much. I’m okay with my own company. 

Masks We Wear

It is just that I am learning to be more accepting of the person who I am. Getting to be that “authentic” self as my new group would say. Everyone wears mask. Each one has roles to play. One is worker. One is a son. One is a brother. An uncle.  A mother. A daughter. A sister.  An aunt.  I wear a comfortable mask.

It's Chicken Sh#t Not. . .

This reading group I have newly joined is on a journey of discovery of the “artistic” self. They have been welcoming and warm. Understanding and guiding.  I am just an emotional novice, an artistic cub.  Though my time has been short, I feel lucky. Their journey is through a book called the Vein of Gold. This group is creating a safe place to find oneself authentic/ genuine self. Funny thing, I believe I am authentic. I think it’s chicken sh*t, when one isn’t giving it their all.

In my writing, I’m trying to let this self—this authentic self--come out. I am trying to be without filters. What I say here is what I say in the world. Just be who I am. Putting my thoughts and experiences out there is scary. People that don’t know you have feelings and thoughts about you. People-that-know-you know more about you that you thought they knew is scary. Confusing? Sorry. Its still scary.

Call, Fold, Or Raise--I Got Some Gamble

Having others know something about you by the blogs that you post is a bit disconcerting. Well, I guess I will let the universe decide the benefit or detriment of this way. If I wanted to hide in my cave for awhile, I guess I would stop blogging. I am not that smart. I suppose that I have stuff to say. I will play with the cards that I am dealt. Call, Fold, or Raise. I’ll Give it some action and I want to see the flop. Win Big or Go Home. Knew this might happen. Knowing something may happen and learning that it has happened is certainly different.

Hopefully, It Will Take

Last few weeks, I learned a some people knew my recent religious experiences, inklings, and feelings. I never told them. They were people close. They knew of my unspoken hopes to make things right with my past. They knew of my posting. These are very personal. Its private. Yes, it is hypocritical that I write about it. Yeah, I am not so smart at times. Guess, I knew this might happen. Just didn’t think my fear was this big. Lucky for me I jumped before thinking about it too much. Probably would have my Doubt gremlins get the better of me.  Being open, so open, is not something I am very comfortable with. Yet, guess by being so exposed that I am learning to have a bit thicker skin. I am learning to have my voice be heard. Learning to live with a more open heart. I’m learning to be courageous. I’m learning to act heroic. Hopefully, it will take.

Thunder and Lightning Strikes Fear

Feels like the lesson of lightning from the movies Mongol.  All Mongols had a deep rooted fear of lightning. All, except, Termujin. As a child, Termujin was punished for being the son of the poisoned khan. As punishment, he was banished to the mountains, exposed to the booming thunder and lightning strikes. This was a most extreme punishment for any Mongol, yet severe for a young boy. Having no place to run. No place to hide. Termujin had to face the thunder and lightning as a child. Later, this experience would strengthen his resolve to become who he was meant to be. Having nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, young Termujin had to stand there and face his fears. Later, this resolve would strengthen his people. They fought an army of warriors larger, stronger, and better than they. Yet, when the storms came, the lightning struck, the thunders shook, Termujin's army pushed forward, while his enemies cowered. He became his people’s unifier. Termjuin become his people’s Great Khan. He would become the historical figure Genghis Khan. Mongol movie

I’m not saying I want to become good old Genghis. It is just being so open, so exposed. I have nowhere to hide. I must live with thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my inactions, my everything.

With all this out there, people can learn so much me. Some things I am proud. Some, not so much. People can learn just about everything I have said and done. With this fact, it is very scary. Yet, with all this social networking, easy access, and immediacy of one’s action, I have learned that no one is really an island. We are all connected. We are all open. Everyone knows something about us. If they don’t, they can easily find out.  Google yourself. It’s unnerving. 

Videotape, Front Page, Internet--Your Business Is Out There

Yet, it’s all very liberating. It’s a call for people to be accountable and ideally to be more accountable to each other.  One ethics class question I was asked comes to mind. If what you did were broadcasted on CNN, would you do it? If your thoughts were on put on the front of the Valley Press or LA Times, would you be ashamed of it? Well, I think now is the age of reality TV, social-networking, and voyeuristic society, I don’t think one can really avoid it. Tiger Wood's Personal Business

Carrion Do The Same Thing

Knowing all this, one does what he does, thinks what one thinks, and lives as one does. No shame. No apologies. No nothing. Just a person is what one is? Guess, this why abhor shows like TMZ. Piranha paparazzi living on the gaffes and misfortunes of others. Their purpose is to make their bones humiliating, degrading, stalking, ridiculing, and harming the celebratti.  Not really creating stuff, it’s just a place where people tear down and hurt people knowingly. Maybe they are bringing things to light. Maybe they provide some purpose. Carrion do the same thing. Guess, I just don’t like the tearing down much.  If one were to video tape and scrutinize everything you said and didn’t say—did and did not do—think and did not think—I would be gun shy from the glitterati and paparazzi.

Well, my time is up. My writing is much. Go out. Live life authentic.  Live fearlessly. Conquer your gremlins. Live Right. Do Right. Act Right. In time, It will Take. As my mentor might say, “Fake It ‘til You Make It.”