Karmic Dances

Manhattan beach parking lot. Next to lifeguard towers. Sand on my feet and my parking meter has nine minutes. Bootleg of Up in the Air is on my flash drive now. Planned on going to Michelle’s house but I got no word about it. They had a thing yesterday and I thought today. Maybe I am wrong. Left them a message on email and voice-mail.

Kevin and the kids are going to Papa’s dance recital. Surfers are gearing up. Ladies are paying for the parking meter. Dressed in funny outfits. Quarters drop in and drop out. They are overweight. All of them. I’m overweight, too, so I can say crap like that. Not happy with weight, but I’m working on that. Read a post of some guy with my last name. He made this girl cry. She wearing jeans and a fanny pack  was jogging down the street. He paused and said, “You’re fat.” She left teary eyed.

I started replying, “No comeback. Maybe this will prompt her to get in better shape and if she can’t take a joke fuck it.” I decided not to reply because didn’t really want to engage in Facebook conversation. I’ve learned that this out-loud brashness may be masking this Facebook friend's pain. This insensitivity and the need to create shock value for this person is either smoldering pain or just bluster. I am sure he has good inside and he knows what he is doing. I will say this, “Karma can be a Bitch.” The not so nice talk says a lot, but those that like to psychoanalyze, I will leave at that.

Spoke to Ms. Potter and I reminisced on not being so nice. “No, you can’t sleep here tonight.” “No, I don’t want to look up your skirt, I rather read a book.” ‘She Kisses like a lizard.” These words haunt me because I realized how stupid and mean I have been. Maybe I had the need to put a facade. Maybe the filter from my brain and mouth were shear. Yup, they were pretty transparent. To those I spoke these words to and about, please accept my apologies.

Didn’t mean to scar or hurt because I know choice words can leave oh so painful scars. Been judicious with my words for some time now. Plus, I have been more accepting of nature of people. Trying not judge and just to see people honestly and openly. Those I found that have the nature to so say not so nice things are really hurting inside. I see the nature of those that take years and years of unkind words. They lash out in pain and/or become stand-up comedians.

Can’t tell you how much I admire Rinnes and Jason. Suffered so unkind words and they flipped it. Lost weight and more focused than I will ever want to be. Another, she’s found a good man and has great kids. She found a calling and accepted the therapeutics of comedy.

Personally cringe a bit inside when I hear “Bad Boy. If you don’t do this, I will take this away.” I understand this and accept it.The raised voice is there. Heard and said it. I am not a parent, not a real parent, so I can’t comment or criticize. I can only observe and just listen. At times, I say and show a different way to handle things. For me, whenever shouted at or threatened, it only strengthened my resolve and it stirred my need for payback.

Well, I am trying to rid the hate in my heart. Don’t want to carry that Karmic headache. I understand the wrath and it is fun to lay down the wood, but its temporary. I try to bring love and laughter to heart that’s healing. Ocean waves are crashing. Parking lot time was up 25 minutes ago and I got to pee. Too much tea. Thank you, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Barnes & Nobles: I Keep Seeing Dead People. . .

Writing in the dark again. Need a beacon. Is there anyone out there listening? Why do I write? Do I have something to say? Is it worth listening? Whew. Its like working out for a few weeks and you don’t know any noticeable difference. Have I plateaued?  Is there more? Do I got the stuff? Feel like a message in a bottle in the ocean floating in the seas wondering if I will reach someone. Maybe I have lost a direction. I feeling like I am going under. Its late and I sit writing in the Barnes. Finished a good work out. Listening to internet radio Chill Out Lounge 202 FM. Listening to “Music,  My Sanctuary.”

I would see the guys working out in the middle of the night. Just in the zone. I wondered why they do this. Don’t they have someone to go home to? Are they working out for some health reason? Why is are they out and about working out? I just wonder.

Where are you? Do you hear me writing? Don’t know if you want to hear what I have to say? Are you there? This is what is meant to be. Took to long for you and me. Its the song on my headphones. I sit and see an old man sitting at the next table. He’s wearing a light brown members only jack. Black and grey hair pulled back into a pony tail. (I had a pony tail, some time ago, too) He must be in his 60s or 70s. I hear him call and speak to some random person. I get the feeling he’s just existing. I see him here and there at Barnes and 24 Hours all the time. Introduced myself to him some time back. I hope I'm not him in my years to come.

Another guy sits in the next table. His name is Fernando. He was a year ahead of me in high school. Good tennis player from what I remember. I used to see him hit the ball at McAdams Park. He looks older. He’s drinking a venti from Starbucks. He looks dead in the eyes. We don't make contact. He's deep in his book.

Another girl sits across from me, college sophomore. She’s wearing a grey sweater. An old lady's sweater. Hand on her head as she pours over her psychology or anatomy book. I see a diagram of neuron. It's almost ten o'clock. She doesn't look happy. Maybe its a first midterm. Lips are pursed. Dark brown hair that goes past her shoulder. Eyes are looking down. No life in her eyes. Just a serious, no joy in her eyes look. I wonder if its worth it to her.

I was going to sit back in the religion section but there was guy I used to play basketball. His name is Chris. He’s Filipino. He’s going to USC, I think. Studying something. Nursing, probably. He was an okay basketball player. He looks older now. I wonder why he is studying so much. I’m sure I could go sit down and reminisce, but it would dredge time long passed. Don’t know if I want to go there and re-live opportunities missed and life lived these so many years. He's looks frustrated too. His hand is on his head, too. Frustrated. His eyes seem down.

Thought I recognized another old friend at 24hours while doing cardio. His name was Raman. Glasses, a little heavier from what I remember. He looks older. Maybe it was a relative. We knew each other at AVC. A good guy from India. We played a lot of chess and pool.  It could not be him because he’s in GOA in India on some poker team.Doppleganger Raman just walked in and walked out. No joy in his eyes.

My eyes dilated while on the lifefitness cycle. On the Bicep curl machine, a few feet away, I thought I saw M. Looked the same age. A junior in high school. Asian. She had a green streak in her hair. It has been so long since I seen her. Too long. Too, too long. I hope she will forgive me and I hope she lets me in her life. I need to see her. I hope she'll let me in. Our eyes connected, but we both looked away. I don't think it was her. How I wished it was her.

I keep seeing the people. Of course, I see people. Its just. . . I don't know.  People I knew but didn’t know. Could be cordial. Could ignore them. Could let it pass. What would you do? I could feign interest, but I guess the Doubt and Fear Gremlins have strong presence here. I am somewhat interested, but not so much. What do I do? What would you do? Don’t know where this down and negative thoughts have come from? Do I want to relive the past and remember time lost? Is my medication effecting my mood? Is my blood sugar low? I don’t know. The weather may have something to do with it? Maybe its SAD, seasonal affect disorder.

No, this is selfish of me. There is a reason I keep seeing people from my past. I should risk and say, “Hi.” and learn from this encounter. Something wonderful may come this moment. Maybe they have answer to a question I have. Maybe I have an answer a question they have? When we spoke before there was something?  

Guess, I will just write and see where this vein will take me. Music is a bit haunting and its getting late. Tomorrow will bring a new day. Just breathe. (Pictures are just random I have taken these last couple of months) Breathe.