Brothers In Arm

These mist covered mountains

Are a home now for me

But my home is the lowlands

And always will be

Some day you'll return to

Your valleys and your farms

And you'll no longer burn

To be brothers in arms

Calm In Storm

This lyrics come from the end song of Two Cathedrals episode of West Wing. When at times it feels that I am up against it, I put on this dvd. The calm in the storm theme speaks to me. When I hear and feel the whirlwind of emotions are raging inside and I need inspiration, this episodes reminds me of trait that has gotten me through it. It gives me a moment of pause and it renews my energy, strengthens my resolve. I am calm in a storm. I find focus. 

Who?

Before my SF journey, there Veins of Gold exercise that needed to be done. Had me thinking awhile back. If I had to go to battle, who would be there? Who would I trust my life there? Who would go to Hell and back? It had me thinking for some time. Who would be there? With all my good. With all my bad. Who would be there at the end?

Life Chosen

Saw parts of Death of a Salesman. The end scene was the funeral of a salesman. Just a small service. No one of note from what I remember. That image stuck with me for awhile. Made me realize how that my career of doing sales was in serious question. It came natural. The idea of convincing someone to act came natural. It was fun and inspiring. Yet, the picture of an empty funeral stayed.

An old playmate is hospitalized now. His illness made me re-visit my own mortality and life choices. Who would be there? Family, of course. I hope. Would it be convenient for them?

Who's With Me?

Spoke with my cousin. Asked him, who would go to battle with him? He said some names that I expected. There was a name not mentioned that stood out. It shouted at me. Made me think of my own relationships with family and friends.  

Through these fields of destruction

Baptism of fire

I've watched all your suffering

As the battles raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad

In the fear and alarm

You did not desert me

My brothers in arms

Kevin. Tammy. Elaine. Jason--My brothers in Arms. 

Small Group Is What I Need

As Margaret Mead said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Don’t want an Army. Don’t need one. A SWAT team. A Seal Team. Special forces that I know that I could rely on. Thought about some honorable mentions, but time has waned and my certainty in them has met the sands of time. It is being blow away under my feet. 

Stand Through Test of Time

Hope that time would re-connect us. Alas, I just don’t know.

There's so many different worlds

So many different suns

And we have just one world

But we live in different ones

Don’t know where your lives have been. Don’t know if we will meet again. If the Fates wish it upon us to journey together, then I hope it will be soon and that adventure would be great again. I’d like to meet you again for the very first time.

Now the sun's gone to hell

And the moon's riding high

Let me bid you farewell

Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight

And every line on your palm

We're fools to make war

On our brothers in arms

I was a fool. I hope in the future to make this right.

Journey

It Could Have Been Me

Learned that an old friend is in the hospital. He is confused, agitated and noncompliant. Extubated himself and removed lines. Ryan is a diabetic and has not been taking care of himself from what I gathered. 

Its been some time since we spoke. He was an asshole. Don’t get me wrong I wish no ill will on this old childhood playmate. However, he was not too nice too some neighborhood kids. Grade school kids can be very mean. He was the mean type.

Rivers of Our Lives

Drifted apart after I moved from the Hills. Not someone that I consider close friend, but someone I knew. Not sure how to react. It is disturbing to learn that his condition is not well. It is disturbing to learn that life has not been so kind to him. With blood sugar levels up in the high triple digits, I find that I need to look at my own lifestyle and my own choices.

Choices, Why?

Don’t know if he is giving up. Don’t know if he cares. Perhaps he’s in one of the stages of DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). Not sure if I will visit him, it has been so long ago. Perhaps I should because it has been so long ago. Not sure where the voices will send me. Some things I can’t forget. The way he treated some neighbor kids was cruel. He was an asshole.

Perhaps this is test. A test to Forgive and to genuinely to show concern. Not sure if he has many friends. Not sure if life is better for him. Perhaps this discovery is a call for. . .I don’t know.

If It Were Me?

Would I want someone to visit me if I were hospitalized? Would I want to be reminded of a time when I was not so nice? I looked him in facebook. Didn’t send him a friend request. Perhaps I should. If I want forgiveness, perhaps. . .I don’t know.

I knew him. I know of him. I know him.

Should I Follow This Current?

Do I want to relive the past? Do I want to go there? A river runs through it played on Tv the other day. It was a story about fishing. About two brothers. About something I don’t really know the moral of the story and how it relates to the now. I am sure it will come to me.

There are old friends I’d like to reconnect. People that I would like to call friend again. Yet, I wait. I wonder. .

Sights I Have Seen

This month I have been traveling around here and there, going on a road trip to San Francisco with my cousin. Visited a lot of places, Hearst Castle. Solvang, Big Sur, China Town, Golden Gate Bridge. Watched the last two games of the NBA Finals. Took pictures of many sites, elephant seals molting, brown cows chasing zebras, statues and rotundas, and chalk picture artists. 

We go through life visiting and meeting people of all sorts. We hear of old playmates come and gone. We live life. We have a connection. We have a lesson in everything. The universe gives us what we need at the time we need them. At first, we may not see the big pictures because our vision is focusing on the little things. We want to be in the moment, but we at times some how miss the bigger picture.

Unfinished Business?

There are friends of long ago that I only see through Facebook. They live their lives in ways. I am happy for them. We are not close because we make choices to act, to live, to ride that river.

Ryan, I don’t know if I will visit. I hope there is a reason for me to learn of your life. I think I will visit. Perhaps, its for you. Perhaps its for me. Perhaps, it is because there is a bigger reason I can not see right now. Coincidences happen, but the events in your life has perhaps briefly stirred an inkling to connect. To reconnect. When I found myself down, I needed help. Got that help from the Big Smile. Perhaps that is what you need. Perhaps it is what I need.

Ryan, get better. Take better care of yourself. I think I will stop by and say, Hi. There is a reason. Guess, I need to take a leap and find out why.