Answer: In the Form of Question, Please.

 

I Can't Go On, I'll Can Go On

Just finished the last few minutes of BandSlam. There is a song in my head, "Everything I Own" I Will Give Everything I Own. . .Just to have ya.. ." Vanessa Hudgens, Kaprece’s former favorite singer. She’s into Usher and Taylor Swift. Boy meets girl. Girl leaves Boy. Boy gets back the girl. Happy ending.

If life were that simple. It is. No, I will be the first one to admit, "Life is not a movie." Nor should it be. One hundred minutes does not encapsulate a life. It is everything and more. It is the sum total of what we are, what we experience, how we filter these feelings, thoughts, and imaginations. To think that life is simply work, school, wife, family, and the rest. . .well, it is this and more.

We Have No Control

Forces around us play havoc in our lives. Whether it is an unappreciative teacher or boss. Maybe it is the unloving and uncaring other. Maybe it is the economy and the Evil forces over there, in some distant land. We, at times, feel like a puppet being played by some marionette master. At times, we are that.

We Have Control, I Am Captain

Still, we must remember, we are the Captain of our own soul.  The body we have is a transport on who we go through during this life’s journey. Sometimes, the body gets banged up. Still, there is more. We are also the construct of what the brain creates. Mind. Our perceptions on how we see the world. They say the line between genius and madness is a thin line. 

Yet, the programming that mind creates, the heuristics, the sum total of what we know can get flawed, outdated, corrupt. At times, we need to reboot new software to the shell of the programming. Windows 7, Vista, 3.O and the like. Think, of the people with Alzheimer or Autism. Are they no longer the person we think they are because the mind is broken? INVICTUS, Poem by William Ernest Henley

Human Potential, May Be Limitless

Problems, Challenges, Opportunities

Person would quickly discard others as defective, broken, . . as being special. Well, they are. We all are. We each are more than the stuff we can perceive. Sometimes people go to a higher power for answers. At times, we need to pray. We do. 

I Believe. . .

However, there are unbelievers. Well, I am not sure entirely that this without cause. A lady close to me who denies certain things exist and pooh poohs this as ridiculous. Do I think there are other life forms not of this planet? Sure, it is big out there. “It would seem like an awful waste of space. . .” to think we are the only ones. Do I believe ghosts and afterlife? Sure, I am sure each one of has had or knows someone who has had an experience with an afterlife. Do I believe in God? Yes, I believe and love God. 

We each have a destination. All on its own time and situation.

Only One Answer, More Than One Answer,

Am I religious puritan? Hardly. Do I think there is more than the Bible? The Koran?  Bhagavad Gita? Yes. Think of all the many religions out there. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Wiccans, Hari Krishna and Sikhs. Could go on with other religions? But. . .this is not my point. There are certain truths we have face every single day. We are faced with decisions to make, do, believe, feel, and think. Sure, some are ridiculous. Sure, some are well thought. There is more. 

Muhulland Fountain

True Today. True Tomorrow. Never Was True. Always True

Paradigms are just body of beliefs that are relevant at the time. There are many truths have laid hidden. Some facts are suppressed, repressed, destroyed , manufactured in order to hold on to certain truisms. Logic for one has been used to justify certain life events. Religion has been used as weapon for horrible acts.  Laws have all too often been legal, but immoral. History is littered with atrocities

Nietzche

I used to enjoy sports. I used to enjoy politics. Comics, movies, books, and the like. I still enjoy many of these things. However, being locked to certain beliefs and feelings have been more of struggle these days. We need Heroes, real and imagined. At times, villains win. Sometimes, the Celtics win (Just kidding, I like Larry Byrd, Danny Ainge, and the Chief) Faith is at time hard-earned. Many problems are man made. So are many of its Solutions.

Facebook Fatigue

Sitting out at the Grind again. I find that there has been a certain fatigue. Been thinking of a concept of facebook fatigue. Many people I know personally have been cocooning. Not wanting to share stuff out there. Totally understandable. Putting one’s life thoughts, actions, beliefs, feeling, hopes in a post is tiresome. In many ways, it has been purely voyeuristic. Reading others thoughts, clicking like and adding oneself to a fan page. It has been somewhat exhibitionistic, broadcasting to the world. Look at my picture. Check out where I am. See how many miles I have done, read my ads, join my group because I know the good life. Perhaps, this is true. Don’t want to judge. Takes too much time away from enjoying where I am and who is with me.

Del Negro: Former All Star, Coaches Clippers

Go Both Ways

We have a duty.  I believe, we must give what we take. We must continue to provide guidance and patience for others to make way. Sure many will fall down. Many will not reach their dream this lifetime. That is okay. It is supposed to be that way. Many will not have the same dreams and wishes that you had. They are not supposed to. We are not our parents. Nor our kids us. We must face whatever is ahead of us with the body and knowledge (and insights) to respond.

Me, We or Me, Wheee

I think back to this saying. Muhammad Ali (the Manny Pacquiao of his time to those that don’t know) gave the speech at a prestigious university. All in attendance screamed for the former fighter to give them a poem. He was poet, a great storyteller. He said, “Me, we.” I heard of hit in a movie, “When We We’re Kings.” I thought what a magnificent social leader. Me, we are part of a bigger community. We are all in this together. Recognizing individualism and collectivism in a short two word poem. Later, I read somewhere another attendee , “Heard it this way. Me, Wheeee.” Meaning it is a good life and I am enjoying as best as I can. Both powerful possibilities. Both credible interpretations.

Guiding Light, Prometheus and Epimetheus

My point is this. Whatever fundamental truths are learned in the experience and totality of everything before and future, it all has meaning.  Sounds like gobbledygook (yes, this is a word) It may be. We must look to both the future and past for insight for decisions we make today. Both are relevant and irrelevant.  We must decide to hold on to certain values and truths and we must decide to go a very different way if the past is holding us back on who we need to be. We are decider of our personal realities. Prometheus and Epimetheus

Your Question, Your Answer, Your Life

Truth is this. . . 

(Enough Said)

Summer Morning at the Massari

Watching people walk around the park. Sun is shining and people are doing their thing. Groundskeeper is making his rounds. Driving the green cart, trash can in back. A man in a striped dress shirt and gray sweats finishes his first lap. Soccer moms in tights and baseball cap is completing their third lap around the Domenic Massari. One has a ponytail in back, green hat. Dark glasses, she has a serious look. 

Another triad of Hispanic ladies are dressed much the same. Their colors are the rainbow. Very vibrant. Very understated. Hearing the Spanglish in the conversation. A lady with water weights in hand has a white tennis visor passes them. Think she is Jamaican.

Its quiet. So quiet, I can hear my own thoughts. Quiet, except for the winds blowing against the trees. It’s a rustling sound. Reminds me of Pebble Beach. The oceans crashing. A steady pace. Rhythmic song calming the souls. Its swaying, dancing slowly like an old lover remembering good times. Negative ions in the air whisked away, returning back to the see. Good energy is replaced, balance is restored.

When one needs to recharge, this one sits in the sand. Thinking of good times of the past. Imagining better ones ahead. Staying there smelling the salty sea, having the white ocean spray across the face. Cool Zuma breeze gets heated by the summer sun. One is reminded that time just moves on. It slows at times so as one can live a lifetime in a moment. It speeds up when time is scarce and we need ever so more from her. 

Right now all I do is soak my feet in Epsom salt in one of those foot bath basin. A sad alternative, but it will do in the desert of the Antelope Valley. Joshua trees and tumbleweeds canvas the land across the street. Its a temporary fix until one can get back beach side and properly re-tune.This park is safe haven, an oasis of ocean sounds and people walking. Negative ions dissipate in the rustling of the wind against the trees. Like rocks crashing against each other at Pebble.

Try to go to the beach at least once a month to get right. At the beach there is ample amount of  energy stirring; the desert is more stingy with its droplets of life. 

Closest semblance to the beach is the home pool. Its an underwater heaven where one can skim the top as one races from end to end. My own personal theater of the dancing underwater lights. Sun heated, no murky beach sand water. No kelp or no seaweed. Just a pristine clean Blue Heaven. 

Been swimming more at home. Something about the bubbles. It just hovers like hot air balloons. Suspended in the liquid medium being pushed by current. All the hopes and good dreams float skyward to get the Big Smile's attention. 

Sometimes a leaf is found floating in the pool. It just hangs there waiting for a force to move it this way and that. Like the leaves from the trees of the Massari. Watching the leaves dance in the pool suspended. In a moment she moves left then right. Kick ball and chain. Pas de Bouray. Salsa. Tango. Waltz.  A pose here. Hitting its mark. So free flowing.

A family of five goes by. Father, mother, daughter, grand mom, and baby. Another senior couple goes by. One carries a water bottle. Both are wearing sun hats. Spanish is the language here. No Thai, no Tagolog, no Manchurian. Spanish here a the Massari. One of the romance languages Spanish is one of the romance languages. Fast and staccato. Other times sing-songy and fluid.

A soccer ball flies by my view. It’s a man practicing. An older man, maybe in his late thirties. Guess he trying to reclaim his youth. Maybe he’s readying for his upcoming parks and rec match. 

FIFA world 2010 is upon us at the Massari. Headphones on, he charges the field. Perhaps re-living the past. Perhaps practicing for the future. There is a joy to his playing. No one around, just him and the ball. He’s not chasing as I would do. He’s guiding her here and there. He jabs left. He goes right. He dances around the ball as he wipes the sweat of his face.  He visualizes an imagined foe. He jukes confidently as he wonders how to play this game scenario out. His smile is contagious.

Grounds keeper is mowing the lawn now. Driving the yellow vehicle up and down the field. He wears a sun hat on this warming day. Its only eight in the morning now. Most of the morning walks are going home. One was parked near a SUV and Honda. Had good shade. However, the sun is rising higher. Three hours up already. No more shade on this midweek day. Morning walkers left and my SUV shade has gone.

Soccer man gathers his bag and slows his pace. No running and jumping as before, but readying to go. No, my mistake. He wants to play more. Just catching a blow and downing a Gatorade. Its getting hotter as the seconds pass. Joys of living in arid lands. The yellow mower is on the other side of the park now. Parking lot is emptier. The lady with water weights in her hand passes me by for the second time. Triad is almost back again, gossiping about this that and the other.

Car alarm sounds off as two high school girls in black shorts exit their Aerostar. One has a soccer ball in hand, the other a blackberry. As they hurry off to the other side of the field, Doyer fans go by. One has a makeshift walking stick. These sunhats, thinking about wearing one makes me feel cooler. I should get one. The sun shines brightly on my face as I realize its almost time to go.

An older man gives me a nod of acknowledgment as he finishes up his workout. He was stretching at the lamp post. Pushing with dear might, as his arms pressed firmly against the pole. One leg back, the other bent forward. Calf stretch. He needs to keep his knees soft. Both knees wrapped in black sleeves to keep his patella in place. Wore one when my meniscus tore. 

Age and wear and tear of an active lifestyle must have taken its toll. Got to keep those knees. An martial artist instructor said, “Can’t walk. Can’t run. They’ll have no fun.“ Did that once. Will never do it again. Not something for children to know at an immature age.

Parks is getting busier again. Dog walkers are here. It’s a parade of Chihuahuas and Yorkies go by. Another lady has two golden haired shepherds. These ones aren't trained like the others. These one bark and struggle against their owner's will. They fight and jump and down in excitement as people walk by. 

Scenes of the dog whisperer come to mind. “Shhhh and Shhhh and Shhhh," I think to my head. Get control. Let the dogs know you are the leader of the pack. Good owners need to be trained too.

Time for me to go. Sun is getting higher in the sky and find myself wanting to enter the Blue Nirvana, my water world. Got to train myself. Fifty laps here. Diet log and meal plan there. People at the park have inspired me. Time to recharge, time to see the lights dance of the swimming pool floor.

Brothers In Arm

These mist covered mountains

Are a home now for me

But my home is the lowlands

And always will be

Some day you'll return to

Your valleys and your farms

And you'll no longer burn

To be brothers in arms

Calm In Storm

This lyrics come from the end song of Two Cathedrals episode of West Wing. When at times it feels that I am up against it, I put on this dvd. The calm in the storm theme speaks to me. When I hear and feel the whirlwind of emotions are raging inside and I need inspiration, this episodes reminds me of trait that has gotten me through it. It gives me a moment of pause and it renews my energy, strengthens my resolve. I am calm in a storm. I find focus. 

Who?

Before my SF journey, there Veins of Gold exercise that needed to be done. Had me thinking awhile back. If I had to go to battle, who would be there? Who would I trust my life there? Who would go to Hell and back? It had me thinking for some time. Who would be there? With all my good. With all my bad. Who would be there at the end?

Life Chosen

Saw parts of Death of a Salesman. The end scene was the funeral of a salesman. Just a small service. No one of note from what I remember. That image stuck with me for awhile. Made me realize how that my career of doing sales was in serious question. It came natural. The idea of convincing someone to act came natural. It was fun and inspiring. Yet, the picture of an empty funeral stayed.

An old playmate is hospitalized now. His illness made me re-visit my own mortality and life choices. Who would be there? Family, of course. I hope. Would it be convenient for them?

Who's With Me?

Spoke with my cousin. Asked him, who would go to battle with him? He said some names that I expected. There was a name not mentioned that stood out. It shouted at me. Made me think of my own relationships with family and friends.  

Through these fields of destruction

Baptism of fire

I've watched all your suffering

As the battles raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad

In the fear and alarm

You did not desert me

My brothers in arms

Kevin. Tammy. Elaine. Jason--My brothers in Arms. 

Small Group Is What I Need

As Margaret Mead said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Don’t want an Army. Don’t need one. A SWAT team. A Seal Team. Special forces that I know that I could rely on. Thought about some honorable mentions, but time has waned and my certainty in them has met the sands of time. It is being blow away under my feet. 

Stand Through Test of Time

Hope that time would re-connect us. Alas, I just don’t know.

There's so many different worlds

So many different suns

And we have just one world

But we live in different ones

Don’t know where your lives have been. Don’t know if we will meet again. If the Fates wish it upon us to journey together, then I hope it will be soon and that adventure would be great again. I’d like to meet you again for the very first time.

Now the sun's gone to hell

And the moon's riding high

Let me bid you farewell

Every man has to die

But it's written in the starlight

And every line on your palm

We're fools to make war

On our brothers in arms

I was a fool. I hope in the future to make this right.

She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain When She Comes

Two Steps Back
Solvang--Took the long way to three hour tour. Got a bit lost. It rained. Windshield wiper needed replacement. Got bad food service. Left for another restaurant. Got bad food. Drove home in the pouring rain. Vista Point of the Saint Ynez River closed. Knew I should have stopped earlier. Gift shop at Chumash Casino was limited. My favorite Catch-21 was closed. Pita Pit just closed in Valencia. 

Overall, I had a good time.

One Giant Leap For Me-Kind
Spent all day driving, eating, and taking pictures out of my car. Said hello to nice people. Angelo from Tom’s. Greek fella. Got to say in Greek.  Thank you thanks to much needed Facebook support (Thanks Michelle, Roselyn). Got free drinks, food, and stuff by just listening today.  Took some great pics. Chumash Reservation area was. . .not that big. Beautiful and if I had more time I would like to have just sat there for awhile.   

Was up in the clouds today. Got to look down at the clouds, too. Took a view of the Santa Ynez River and Cachuma Lake. Makes me want to visit Lake Elizabeth in the near future. Never have before.  But it is more than inkling now.

Visited the Mission of Santa Ines. Think I want to go to service there one day. Think I want to visit the other mission, too. San Fernando and San Buenaventura. 

Didn’t put my feet in the Pacific like I would have liked. Too rocky, too rainy, and getting too late. Waves were crashing hard and I had no change of clothes. Got a bit scared at the black van at the Sea Cliff, too. Very Nomad-ish. (1980’s movie)

Listened on the radio on 60 minutes about the Nine year boy old finding remains of the other nine year old that lived 1.9 million years ago. Supposedly, it is the connection between homo sapiens and Cro-Magnons.

Pacific Coast, Chumash, and Korean War--Sunday Highways
On the drive to Solvang, I kept on seeing the real Camino sign on the highway. Thought about how the Danish journey to the far west from European roots to create the town of Solvang. Driving the windy road, seeing the Chumash Highway sign, it made me think. Danish were not the first here. There were many others. Chumash Indians, probably the Spaniards, than the Danes. Probably before them were the Chinese (If you haven’t read or heard there was a theory that China landed in California some time before Columbus). Driving kept me think of connections. Made me think of the others before me. Made me think of the people after me.

Memories On These Lanes
What also fascinated me was the drive. It was memory lane for me: going to Carpenteria with Shell, driving through Ventura thinking of J. Hill and Kirsten, Delpster and UCSB leadership camp. What fascinated me the most was the drive through the mountains and then the discovery of the Santa Ynez River. It was my remembered sighting.  I’ve seen brooks before, but never a river like the Santa Ynez. 

Read somewhere that rivers were the symbol of life. When I saw the Santa Ynez River, I just wanted to follow it wherever it led me. Remembered a good time with Glenn Young going to Kern River.

Had intentions of taking pictures of the Cachuma Lake, but didn’t want to spend the parking fee. Not worth it. Still did not get to Solvang yet, time was short, and it was getting late. Would have liked to have spent more time there. (Another few things to add on the life’s to do list)

Just For the Trees, That's Enough
Finally got to Chumash territory. Chumash reserve, well, its nice but nothing to take great pictures of. What I saw was green, a few trees, and more green. Guess that is why the Chumash settled this area. Big spanses of green. Close to the river for fishing and hunting. Beautiful area. Close to the ocean. Kind of.

Days Coming To an End, Still Much To Do
Spoke to a pretty Chumash lady at the Casino. Big Brown eyes. Smart.  Could have talked more, but it was late and there was more life to see. Needed to get to Seacliff before it got too dark. Needed to get on the hwy 126 and get some fruits from the freeway. Needed to go live life. If I had more time, another life perhaps.

Another post, another time.

SOLVITUR AMBULANDOS

Saint Augustine--Solvitur Ambulandos. . .It is Solved By Walking

Sitting in the Domenic Massari Park. In my car, typing away, watching the people pass by. Morning sun is rising to my left. Cars behind me are taking their children to school right now. Pete Knight High. Quail Valley. Parks and Rec employees are busy performing their morning miracles. Two soccer fields in front. Tennis courts, basketball courts, and jungle gyms in the distance. Sun is warming my face and I feeling alive. Awakening as such. A new dawn. A new day.

Enlisted, I Be. . .

Morning walkers. I’ve joined their ranks. My anterior tibialis are just bulging. Still slow, though. The others I walk with are always half a house in front of me. Right now, I’m just happy to be in the running for the moment. It didn’t used to be this way. I used to be the one ahead by a distance. Now, I can barely keep up. Don’t want to say its because its my ejection fraction and lowered heart condition. Don’t want to say it because it would be an excuse for not trying. It would be an excuse for failing. Don’t want that. Don’t need that. Removing all doubts is not easy.

Gone, No Longer

I’m working on it. Haven’t blogged or went to the gym for the last week. Wanted to clear my mind and accept certain things in my life. Certain things that pains me to accept. There is always some rebelliousness inside of me. Always something to challenge the conventional wisdom. It’s just who I am. Always had it. Always cherished the “F You” attitude about what I could and could not do. I am the captain of my own ship. I am the decider of what I can and cannot do. Tell me, “No” I will want it more. Tell me, “It’s impossible.” I say “Been there, Done that.”

I am sure that I am not only one that feels and thinks this way.

Hope Fills My Heart

Watching these ladies and gentlemen putting on their hoodies and sweats, ready to venture on the one to two mile walk, I admire them. Always did from afar. Now, I have joined the ranks. What attracted me to this was feeling of Hope and desire for Change. Watching somebody pumping their arms and legs. Making lips purse when they breathe. Their focused attention on the next step ahead, it made me feel honored. I feel marveled.

I get this thought “Hey, I can do that.” Then this thought becomes a desire, “I will do that.” Then it transforms to an action, “ I am doing that.” I smile at the memory, "I've done that and still do." Watching the dolphins at Sea World as they do amazing tricks, hypnotizes me. Doing flips over their trainers head. Jumping 50 feet in the air to eat some tiny fish.  Escaping earth’s gravity for what seems to be forever.

My niece Prece  produces the same wonderment for me. Doing handstands on the balance beam.  Running at escape velocity speed when she attacks the vault. Joggers in the marathon complete that 13^th Mile has me transfixed. Guess, the reason I like watching sports is that something amazing—something marvelous—could be just a blink away.

My Brother's Eyes

Don’t have the same eye as my brother when he watches sports. It still amazes me how he is able to dissect the movements, actions, and strategies of the players during football games. Did my best to follow. Read some of the strategy and concepts in his coaches books about the West Coast Offense or the Triangle Offense, but I don’t know what to look for. Guess, its like chess but with moving parts. Its all a blur to me. My love for sports has not changed much, except I marvel more. Can’t break down the athletes’ movements. Just not in my wheelhouse. However, seeing the human spirit in every step, I can see that. 

Spirits Rises At the Sound of Music

Well, I am marveled by the person’s spirit. Watching a person getting mind, body, and spirit right just lifts me up, it’s a freaking Rocky movie. The Rocky theme song is playing in my head. Sometimes it the Chariots of Fire. Its so uplifting. It’s so life-affirming. It’s so alive.

Daily choice of being healthier, mentally and physically. I marvel how in the time when luxuries of life are at our fingertips: Pay per view, Wii, internet, Facebook, QVC. People still decide to walk. They decide run. They decide to gym it.

It’s inspiring.

Every day one can decide to become something different. Everyday one can decide to be something more. Every day one can decide to shed what one is in order to become what one needs to--and want-- to be. Every day one can do this.

Journey of Thousand Miles Begins With. . .

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Time for me to join the ranks. Time to shed my old self and become something more. Time for the Rocky song to start playing.