Relay for Life: A Relay for Rochelle

Before the Battle Begins
7 am in the morning. Sunroof open. Early sun heating up the desert air. Cars speed by as the day begins. Sitting in the parking lot of Quartz Hill High School. Sounds of commotion is behind me. People with tents and lawn chairs walk into the stadium. Men, women and children wear red and purple handkerchiefs on their shaved heads.  Like new inductee in the Marines, these have happy smiles and serious tone in their walk. Like viking warriors of Valhalla partying the night before the Ragnarok, there is a joy and sense of purpose. 

Its the home for Relay for Life. An all-day and all-night event for those stricken with Cancer. Events start at 9 am Saturday and runs til 9 am the next day. Lots of events are occurring around town. Graffiti Clean up in Palmdale Ponctilan Square. Arbor Day in Santa Clarita. Lakers versus the Thunder playoff game starts today. Where to begin?

Why We Fight?
For me it's easy. Starts with Rochelle. She suffered from cancer some many years ago and being here is what matters. Need to thank her in a special way for effecting my life. Her passing gave me the courage to do things that I was afraid to do. Ask that girl out. Run for an office. Go to Boston leaving family and friends.

Life Ends. Another Begins
Her death gave me life. Never looked back on too many things because her cancer-stricken made me really enjoy life. Being in the hospital in her last few days. Finding an empty room in Cedar Sinai and just crashing on the bed. Hearing her mother cry. It is something I will never forget.

Before, Death used to be something to be feared and angry about. Now, it is just a fact. Death is Life. For some, the tragedy of have a life expired in their prime, it brings sadness. Listening to family sob so deeply. Watching people eyes redden. Don't know anybody that hasn't somebody touched by the Black End. Rochelle and Angels on Earth



Today is a commemoration to all those that faced Cancer and lost. Today is celebration for all those that battle and won. Today is gathering for all those that still struggle on. You want to know about a Hero's Quest. Come to the Relay for Life today. You will see heroes. They are your friends. They your family. They are you.

I said before that I wanted to see really heroes. I wanted to see real life Angels. Well, today is that day. If you want to see them, come to Avenue M and 60th Street West at Quartz Hill High School 9 am April 17 to 9 am April 18, 2010. Relay for Life 2010: Antelope Valley

I hear Heimdall's horn. Time to suit up. HUAA.

SOLVITUR AMBULANDOS

Saint Augustine--Solvitur Ambulandos. . .It is Solved By Walking

Sitting in the Domenic Massari Park. In my car, typing away, watching the people pass by. Morning sun is rising to my left. Cars behind me are taking their children to school right now. Pete Knight High. Quail Valley. Parks and Rec employees are busy performing their morning miracles. Two soccer fields in front. Tennis courts, basketball courts, and jungle gyms in the distance. Sun is warming my face and I feeling alive. Awakening as such. A new dawn. A new day.

Enlisted, I Be. . .

Morning walkers. I’ve joined their ranks. My anterior tibialis are just bulging. Still slow, though. The others I walk with are always half a house in front of me. Right now, I’m just happy to be in the running for the moment. It didn’t used to be this way. I used to be the one ahead by a distance. Now, I can barely keep up. Don’t want to say its because its my ejection fraction and lowered heart condition. Don’t want to say it because it would be an excuse for not trying. It would be an excuse for failing. Don’t want that. Don’t need that. Removing all doubts is not easy.

Gone, No Longer

I’m working on it. Haven’t blogged or went to the gym for the last week. Wanted to clear my mind and accept certain things in my life. Certain things that pains me to accept. There is always some rebelliousness inside of me. Always something to challenge the conventional wisdom. It’s just who I am. Always had it. Always cherished the “F You” attitude about what I could and could not do. I am the captain of my own ship. I am the decider of what I can and cannot do. Tell me, “No” I will want it more. Tell me, “It’s impossible.” I say “Been there, Done that.”

I am sure that I am not only one that feels and thinks this way.

Hope Fills My Heart

Watching these ladies and gentlemen putting on their hoodies and sweats, ready to venture on the one to two mile walk, I admire them. Always did from afar. Now, I have joined the ranks. What attracted me to this was feeling of Hope and desire for Change. Watching somebody pumping their arms and legs. Making lips purse when they breathe. Their focused attention on the next step ahead, it made me feel honored. I feel marveled.

I get this thought “Hey, I can do that.” Then this thought becomes a desire, “I will do that.” Then it transforms to an action, “ I am doing that.” I smile at the memory, "I've done that and still do." Watching the dolphins at Sea World as they do amazing tricks, hypnotizes me. Doing flips over their trainers head. Jumping 50 feet in the air to eat some tiny fish.  Escaping earth’s gravity for what seems to be forever.

My niece Prece  produces the same wonderment for me. Doing handstands on the balance beam.  Running at escape velocity speed when she attacks the vault. Joggers in the marathon complete that 13^th Mile has me transfixed. Guess, the reason I like watching sports is that something amazing—something marvelous—could be just a blink away.

My Brother's Eyes

Don’t have the same eye as my brother when he watches sports. It still amazes me how he is able to dissect the movements, actions, and strategies of the players during football games. Did my best to follow. Read some of the strategy and concepts in his coaches books about the West Coast Offense or the Triangle Offense, but I don’t know what to look for. Guess, its like chess but with moving parts. Its all a blur to me. My love for sports has not changed much, except I marvel more. Can’t break down the athletes’ movements. Just not in my wheelhouse. However, seeing the human spirit in every step, I can see that. 

Spirits Rises At the Sound of Music

Well, I am marveled by the person’s spirit. Watching a person getting mind, body, and spirit right just lifts me up, it’s a freaking Rocky movie. The Rocky theme song is playing in my head. Sometimes it the Chariots of Fire. Its so uplifting. It’s so life-affirming. It’s so alive.

Daily choice of being healthier, mentally and physically. I marvel how in the time when luxuries of life are at our fingertips: Pay per view, Wii, internet, Facebook, QVC. People still decide to walk. They decide run. They decide to gym it.

It’s inspiring.

Every day one can decide to become something different. Everyday one can decide to be something more. Every day one can decide to shed what one is in order to become what one needs to--and want-- to be. Every day one can do this.

Journey of Thousand Miles Begins With. . .

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Time for me to join the ranks. Time to shed my old self and become something more. Time for the Rocky song to start playing.

Vasquez Rocks: Easter

Music is playing. Kids are atop the rocks. The feel of festivity rings through the desert air. A baby is crying. People are walking to the limited seats. There’s an excitement in the air. Its time for me to leave soon. Going to bring my backpack and music in a second. Won’t bring the laptop in fear of dust and drop damage. Actors dressed in nativity garb passes by. Seats begin to fill. I’m excited. Cars, minivans, a police escort travels up the narrow windy road. People on reverse exodus. Headed away from home, but to the Easter Service.

What’s the excitement one may ask? Hopefully, the picture can better explain the sights I see instead of the words that I use. Dust flies in the air. Man in a sunhat and walking cane walks by. The cane is olden cane. Not the Nordic type ones sees of the  more serious California jogger. This cane reminds me of the movie Ten Commandments. Seats are being filled and its time for me to leave.  Sorry, more to come.

Back home now. It was something else. I’ve seen plays before, but this was a great play.

Might see again tomorrow. Something about the backdrop of Vasquez Rocks. Brought some realism to the whole Passion of the Christ story. Bread was being passed out. The Crucifixion on top of the rocks. The snap of the whip.

I knew the basic story, but seeing up close and personal it brought something more personal. Although it was lip sync at times, the message of the story seemed to resonate. I will let the pictures speak for themselves. If you ever get the chance to watch Easter Service at Vasquez Rocks, take the time and go.

This journey of spirituality is bringing me places I would never have considered before.

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

Vasquez Rocks--What's Next?

A black lab and 50 year old showed me how scared I was yesterday. After I ran out of time at the Manhattan Beach Parking lot I decided to take a different route home and I found myself in Vasquez Rocks. If you never been, watch the latest movie of the Star Trek genre. Its Spock’s home world that gets destroyed. This 905 acres of national park is named after one California’s most notorious bandits. This land lies some thirty minutes north of Los Angeles and is easily one of the most recognizable scenery in the movie industry. This is part of the San Andreas Fault. If you seen the movies or TV shows Cars (Disney), AI, Saving Grace, CSI, they have been filmed here.

For some time, I have been saying I am going to go and this day I finally did. Drove into the first parking lot and said this where I needed to go. So I started off in the nature trail, then I realized that I forgot to chirp my car. Not realizing, there was another parking lot I noticed a car with a horse trailer drive past the first gate and said. Okay, I will follow him. So I got in my car and waited. An off-road motorcyclist decided to do his repair works behind my car and didn’t realize that I wanted to go back. Eventually he left and I entered the next parking lot.

I parked and headed through the juniper bush and Manzanita. There it was the rock that I have seen a million times off the 14 freeway. I’m here again. First time I was here. I found a cave with Shelly. Ah, another time. Anyways, I ventured through. Found Horse poop and lizards. Headed to the base of the rock, I saw a lady with a baby carriage and I thought, "How odd. Why is she bringing her child here? There was no way that she would be going up this hill.

From a distance, I could see people on top of the rocks and all I could think of is this rock climbers that go up El Capitan. Ever watch that movie, Cliff Hanger with Sly Stallone, those were the people that traversed the giant  rock. Then I took a closer look, there were kids on top of the hill. I said what the heck. How in the heck are those kids getting up there. I was dumbfounded. There climb was sheer climb, and 80 degree climb and it looked like went up forever.

Heard some music in the background and I thought there is something wrong with me. There is no stereo speakers around. Maybe this is an early sign of Alzheimer. All of sudden a Black lab, brushes against my leg and I jumped. A fifty year old looked up the giant rock and started to climb. She looked back and apologized for her dog scaring me. I said, “No Biggie.” Inside my heart was in arrest. There she was brown khakis and sun hat and she was scaling this mountain of a climb.  Quarter ways her and her dog were making their way.

Upset, I placed both my blackberry and camera and pocket and headed up. If this soon-to-be retiree and her dog can get up the hill, than I better go. Otherwise I will always be doubting my personhood. Midway up and out of breath, I found a little crevice and sat my ass down. More out of breath and amazed of the 50+year old’s gall, I turned around and looked at the view.

Bad idea. I have vertigo. Don’t remember when it started happening, but when ever look down I get dizzy and easily feel uneasy. Expecting something beautiful and feeling a cathartic experience, Instead I felt seasick. The world seemed to rock. I thought, "No it’s not an earthquake. I hope." There has only been an earthquake almost every day these last couple of weeks. On this day, Honshu, Japan had 6.6 and Indian 6.0 South Indian Ocean.  6.4 Kepulauan Obi, Indonesia Saturday. Three in Chile. (Recently subscribed to USGS earthquake alerts. Signed up since Tahiti and Columbia quake)

Took some pics. Took a swig of Dasani and said, "Better turn around and head up again." Didn’t want sit too long knowing fright might overtake me. Thoughts of calling 911 for a rescue did come to my head. Learned awhile back, rock climbers would call emergency for a rescue if climbers get stuck.  For some reason, the music I heard earlier was getting louder. Started thinking do all climbers hear music when the get closer to the summit. 

Well, I no longer saw the black lab and the soon to be retiree. I did see 2 grade schoolers looking down at me. What the Fuck! My hearts racing at 140 bpm and I’m getting out of breath and these two little shits are smiling and waving at me. I do my cardio five times a week. These kids did not pass me up this mountain. What the. . . !!! This fired me up. Got up the hill and found steady ground and looked at the view again. Still a bad idea with vertigo me. I sat down pretending to stabilize myself for a picture.

I looked on the other side and saw Horses and a crowd of people. Okay, there is another parking lot. Should have followed the other cars. I look down and saw group of five huddled around what I assume was the director. All wore jeans and various t-shirts. One stood out. He was holding a broad sword wore  in a Roman guard outfit. A man stands up and he raises his arms like O Cristo Redentor in Rio De Jinero. Suddenly, in slow motion he falls back. I thought he slipped and I reached for my pocket to call 911.

Guess, this was dress rehearsal, because the group of five (Now 4) caught the falling man. I then noticed Saw Film lights and heard a generator.  Music came on and I realized this was film about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Guess, its a sign to head to Sunday Mass at 5:30 om.

Suddenly, I heard “Anya Ah Say O.” I looked up and saw a pack of Korean ladies dressed in green shorts and tourist sun-visors, bounding up the hill. Guess, its my thing to take the road less traveled. I realized the side of the hill I climbed up was the hard way. I answered “Kum Saw Me Da.” (Its thank you I think in Korean) She nodded and bounded past. Bitches. Never felt so old and scared. Suddenly, another grade schooler was climbing down the mountain above me. "Fuck," I think to myself. The grade schooler shouts, "I got ninja skills!!!"I agree. He's climbing down the hill like Spider-man. I look up. It’s the lady with the baby stroller.

Long story short, never realized how scared.  I looked up this hill. I thought, "Where did my courage go?" During my junior high years, I showed more moxie. During my first day of school, when I walked home by myself, I showed more courage. (My parents sent after the police. They thought I might have gotten kidnapped. They didn’t know I was already at home. I walked 3 miles and got inside my home by climbing through the bathroom window. I had to pee and I had no key. Mind over bowels every time)

Looking back, I doubt that I would have gone up that rock. Weren’t for the black lab and the fifty year, I would have turned back and marked this visit off my to do list. It made me realize that I have been scared for some time. Climbing hills, false bravado, and my vertigo scared me. What other things have I been afraid to do? Just realized these Doubt Gremlins had a spell over me.   Hopefully, this Truth has freed me under this cloak of Doubt. 

One must remember that we need to overcome our own personal mountains if others are to follow. Its true, we do stand on the shoulders of giants. We must have personal courage and climb these jagged mountains if we are to move up and move on. In time, these mountains will become molehills and we look back and say, “Yeah, I did that. What’s next?”

Awakening

Feeling melancholy. Don’t know if it’s the weather. Don’t know if it’s the music I’m listening to. Don’t know if I am just feeling. . .down. Didn’t like my horoscope for tomorrow much. It said,” That old expression, if you ignore them, they'll go away? Well, that might not always hold true, but right now it just so happens to be quite accurate -- especially when it comes to a certain family member or friend who seems intent on obsessing over something neither you has any control over. Explain this once, then put some distance between the two of you until they get over it.” I’m having lunch with someone important. I’m afraid that I will be that person ignored. I will be the one that will be asked to put some distance.

Battery for laptop is about to die. Orange light has come on. Well, I hope to put what I can before the lights go out. I need to gym it. When I gave blood this afternoon, they said I should avoid strenuous exercise for at least 12 hours. I am afraid if I don’t go, then I will be slip sliding down that slippery slope. Didn’t jump in the pool this afternoon because I was told that I might go in cardiac arrest due to the cold water. It scared me. I know that I can work out tomorrow. It will be fine. It’s just my psyche will be more effected by not going in. It has already effected me. Doubt Gremlins has effected my hampered my risk-taking mechanism.

Well, I must be going because laptop is about to shut off.

I wrote the above the night before. I’m back. Went to the gym last night and again this morning. Jumped in the pool. No cardiac arrest. I'll admit I was scared. Got some feedback today. It was good. My posts are vague at times and it feels that like I am speaking to someone. I get that. It’s fair. Guess, I got the Doogie Howser syndrome. I appreciate the comments. Give me more. Please. 

Who am I writing these blogs to? The Universe. Basically, whoever wants to listen. Whoever wants to read this blog. This is who I write to. I’m also writing to myself, flushing out stuff and making some beliefs stronger.

Finally saw Book of Eli. I liked it. It hits home for me. Been going through a spiritual awakening. Going through a journey of discovery. Been going to church more and more often. Been reading about more and more religious texts. Picked up the book for Everything to Know About Islam. Been reading some Jehovah Witness literature. Had plans to go see the Dalai Lama at Universal City CityWalk last weekend. (Plans fell through) Listening to lots of Matisyahu. Don’t know if that counts. Love listening to Halleluiah. Been jumping in my pool a lot, kind of rebirth/ pretend baptism of sorts. I’m attending weekly Religious Inquiry class Tuesday nights.  I pray every sunrise and sunset. I pray when I eat. I pray when I go to bed. I pray when I wake up. I find myself planning on attending morning mass on weekdays. 

Been reawakened of sorts. Never been a churchie, so this all new.  I am finding strength—I am finding understanding—I am finding peace whenever and wherever I pray.  It’s funny. I’ve heard so many people say it’s chore to attend. I  like it. I like going to church.

What I like is continuity. I like the message of hope and redemption. I like meaning and symbolism of the events. Lent, for example, is a warm-up for Easter. For the resurrection. The forty days symbolizes Christ’s 40 days in the desert being tempted by the Fallen. The ashes on the forehead represents an ancient tradition reminding people, “from dust we came, from dust we shall return.” Its 6 times a day, worshippers of the Muslim faith prays. It’s the reading stating from the Jehovah Witness that a sprinkling of water on the forehead is not a true baptism until one is fully submerged. It’s the learning that in Jewish Temple, there is the big room where the highest of highest books are placed. It’s the tradition that the people of the Muslim faith have to take a journey to Mecca. Its Dalai Lama’s 13^th Incarnation. Its Shamanism of the Totech and the 5 agreements.  What I like is everything.

Don’t know where any of this leading. Don’t really have any expectations. It just seems to clear. I know so little and this I don’t know what to call. It brings me peace and strength. It makes sense to me. I am just thanking the Big Smile. There are times of melancholy. There are times of forgetfulness. There are times I question where this manifestation comes from. All I know is that I feel congruent. I feel steadfast and expansive. I see things more clearly. I notice more. I take pictures all the time. I am just amazed about everything. Events seem more purposeful. It feels like a jigsaw puzzle coming into place.

I’m getting these Ah-ha moments all the time. Strange, I know.  Events of long ago, events of the future, and  moments-in-the-now  feel “together” I worry less about the past. I am not so concerned with the upcoming. I am just here and it seems so clear. There are questions--so many questions. Yet, it feels like if I look more closely, listen more intently and keep my heart more open answers just appear.  Of course, there is life stuff. There’s always life stuff. Yet, it’s just stuff.

“Vague”—Yup. I will work on that.

Well, what a difference a day can make. What a difference a 10 miles of cardio can do. What a difference jumping into a cold pool will do. No--Its more what new discovered Faith has me doing. Jumping a freezing cold pool. It has me doing 10 miles of cardio. It has me attending church more often. It has me reading the the Bible, the Torah, and the Koran. It has me feeling more in tune. 

Well, it’s gym time again.

Uncommon Strength: In Her Greatest Need. . .

Saturday. I sit in Panera. It's a nice place. A pretend fire is to my right. Plugged in at one of the precious outlets. People are eating their soup with their fancy bread bowls. (My favorite, by the way) Listening the classical piano overhead. I hear the musing of the people behind me. Their daily log of their life’s events.

Hmmm. Life events. It’s been almost two months since the year began. There still much to do. . .and still much to do. I’ve put some things on the backburner. Been making choices not to do things. I guess, I am bit afraid to them. Time is coming to end and they need to be done. I need to get these things done. There’s been some events that have lead me different ways—and they are all good. Yet, I need to get these things accomplished.

Plugged the ipod and put on my Nike+. Checked my status and I still lead in a few challenges. Fallen behind in some. Yet, I feel that I could do and need to do more. Last month finished around 100 miles. This month only 32 miles. That is a big drop. No fault but my own. Need to commit hardcore. Need to make the time. Need to do my road work. Need to do my faith road work, too. I am feeling a calling. Funny things is that the clouds the sun giving me a peak. Well, funny. I know it sounds strange. Maybe sharing my experiences is what is my calling.

Had a few signs of late. Did not want to write about it because there was some time that I need to appreciate it. I needed to go in a cave and just take in all the wonderfulness of it all. Taking a breath some things have changed. My niece asked me where would I go if I moved. Honestly, I just said Palmdale. Its my home. It’s my place. Its where my family are. Wherever they are is where it is most important.  Traveled around southern California. Worked from Ventura to Garden Grove. Would have traveled to other states, but I would been away from where I needed to be.

It has been that way for awhile. Been away. Been disconnected from the source. It seems life events have given me a moment of pause to course correct. Not there yet, but I am getting there, In this group I accidentally joined, it appears that I am the male energy. I suspect what my purpose is with this group. Not ready to share, but I sense my purpose.

One lady said that they want to hear my story. Their heart and minds have opened. I am really out of the norm for this group. All, except me, are elderly ladies. All married. All are artists-in-the making. They have some stories they share. They are a tight group that have shared many life experiences. It’s a coven, of sorts. It feels like I am a group of healers. I know that I was drawn here for a reason. Much wisdom is here. Much energy is here. Much change is in the group. Feels a bit weird, but its welcoming.

The leader of the group reminds me of an earth mother, the Gaea archetype. Much wisdom. Much passion. A Strength of an earth mother imbued with a gift. She has the gift of words. She said that I have much to say. In many ways, this is so true. 

We had an exchange. Like a protecting mother, she fought with energy. I felt it. Don't know if she felt the force. Needed not to take it personally, yet, I needed to stand to the brunt. Yes, there was some fear. Fear of her energy. Fear of angry words. Fear of consequence. Yet, I still needed to stand. Philosophical challenge. Fundamental differences. Like Democrats and Republicans warring on whatever. Their logic, their feelings, their beliefs were strong. Yet, I needed to stand. If war, then let it come. Let's hope this will last war for the colonies.  A house divided will not stand.

Ideologically, it was a struggle between disconnecting and forgetting the past and everything. I wanted to maintain the energy to stay connected. Being a introvert, I know the comfort of not being hurt by others. I cocooned and I'm in the rebirth stage. I don't want to dismiss the past. There is a strength of ancestors that we can not and should not leave. True, their are flaws passed and their stories are not necessarily ours.  Yes, we need to listen to our own stories and listen to our own voice. Being a loner, I know where she comes from. I subscribe one can will ourselves to be anything. I know this all to well. I know walking alone. Hopefully. . .

I will endure because I feel like a diamond being polished. After being crushed, pressured with constant force, I feel that I am being polished now. My facets are coming out. A master cutter is where I am. They have given me tools that I am learning to use to shine. It will be some time.  I hope in this exchange that I will provide the same change for them to flourish too.

That’s it for this post.

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying