Balloon Therapy

D. Valdez--"It is ALWAYS GRANTED when asked for....

Couple days ago asked for Forgiveness. On Facebook. Couple of nights ago, got in a car accident.

Driving on Palmdale Boulevard at a quarter past eight at night. Just past the rotary and out of nowhere. . .it looked like a white boxer. Brown, too. It was to my right. It was dark. Driving 50. It happened in a split second.

Moving On Means Going Back, Too
All of sudden, Blam!!! Continued driving. Had this sinking feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve hit dogs before late at night, but this was different. Drove on. Got home, but couldn't stop. Decided to go back. Flipped a U-ie. Called the 911 to inform police to where the incident happened. Felt horrible. Why? Because I just kept going.

It was only 3 minutes there and back--I remember--since the accident happened. But needed to know that dog was not suffering. Emergency lights on, drove up and down the street twice looking for the dog. No blood. No dog. No nothing. When the officer arrived, we searched but could not find a thing. Nothing. 

Stopped under a light and got to see the dent to the right front bumper. It was good foot in length. Time for a new bumper. What troubled me the most is not the accident. Nor the deductible. It was not finding the dog. Just bothered me so. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t get mind off it. Remembering the crunch. Feeling of the steering wheel trying to correct the car after the swerve. Just wanted to ease my mind knowing that dog didn’t suffer much.

Salvation Is Not Always In Church
Logically knew there was not much more that could be done. Mind was straight, just my heart felt heavy. It was an accident, no one’s fault, but it weighed on me. Woke up the next morning, foregoing my walk and run. Just left the house. Found myself at St. Mary’s and just prayed. It was 6:40 am. Ten minutes in the morning mass.  I prayed, took communion, and then left still feeling uneasy.

Message From the Heaven
On the way to LCH, noticed from a distance a dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell. what it was. Driving closer and closer to Lancaster, past Avenue N, past Avenue K, the dot got bigger and bigger. Got to the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulled the Pentax out and started looking for that dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell still. Its a Monday. No hot air balloons on a weekday. People are working. 

Using the zoom, I realized the dot in the sky was a hot air balloon. An uncommon sight. Usually it’s a Saturday or Sunday when balloons dot the sky. Today, there it was. Most people would be out working, but this day was different. Started noticing my heart feeling lighter. Guess, my prayers were heard. Right then, realized and accepted damage was done and needed to move on.

Junipero Serra's Missions: Looking Up, Moving On
Something about looking up in the sky, and watching hot air balloons. My mind understood, but my heart still felt heavy for the loss. My heart needed to let go. It needed to lighten. It hurt and it bothered me. But seeing the dot in the sky helped me moved on. Can’t erase this memory, but one can reconcile on the mistakes made. 

Took pictures of a hot air balloon that was down a day earlier. Saw its descent and its landing on a field. Saw the retrieval truck pick up the passengers on their landing. Saw how the retrieval team follow the balloon on the roads. It was dangerous because the balloon was on Avenue M, near the airport. Right in front where planes land. Saw how quickly they were able to pick up these people up in the heavens and take them home.Maybe this is how Angels work.

Hindu Temple, Karma
I hope that the Dog found peace. I hope that Dog had lived a good life. I hope that Angels were able to pick up this Dog and take it to Heaven, to take the dog Home. I hope the Dog will forgive me.

After some time, it made me realize that we make mistakes. Sometimes people cause accidents. Sometimes people are the victims of accidents. Asking for and giving Forgiveness is hard at times. Whether you go to Church or Temple, there is something transformative in the act of Forgiving. Learned that lesson well. 

Angels Everywhere
Been burdened with heavy heart for a time. Now, done my crying. Done my hurting. Working on being Done with the heavy heart. "No more" is the plan. Got to pick up and let my soul take flight. Brian, Em, Robin, and so on—I Love You dearly. Got to go. Got to go with God. You are always with me. I believe the Big Smile will bring us back together.

Someday. 

Maybe next time we can do it better.

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't. . .But I Do

Storm is Rising. . .I Had A Moment
I was not ready to acknowledge yet, but it was there. Two days ago, it happened. Around 7:30 pm. It was like a flood gate ready to loose itself. The twist tie held the Pacific Ocean from rushing in. The levy dams were buckling and the onrush was sprinkling me with spray. Yes, it was a miracle. I think. I don’t know where the deluge came from, but it was there. Thing is . . it has been there for awhile. I have had flashes—moments. I could be? I may be? Should I be?

Is this What A Petite Mal Feels Like?
Sitting with the others at the table I felt a tidal wave forming. Don’t know where it came from. It started in my gut. It was a rush. Not a grand, but a petite mal. My breathing quickened. Don’t know what it was. The salty sea of emotions had the taste of joy and a relief. Admittedly, tears were forming. Why? I really do not know, but there was something. If it was Big Smile, I am glad you held the back because I do not know what I would have done afterwards. Sitting with seven strangers. Two couples, one pregnant. Another attendee was in a wheelchair. Another had her husband and kids sitting in the van outside while the class was going. Then there was Debbie. She was the proctor.

“Something Wonderful Is About To Happen”—Hal, 2010: The Year We Make Contact
A few hours ago, I was sitting at “It’s a Grind” logging my diet and exercise routine. Now I sit here in the Parish Room of St. Mary’s Church. No, idea that I would be sitting here, but here I sat. Ready to start crying with relief and joy for something I do not know. It was a warning sign. It was precursor for something wonderful, something changing, something life-transforming. Trouble is. . .I was not ready. Yet, it was, or perhaps, I should say is still coming. This emotional release was coming whether I liked it or not. It did not erupt. It was there to give me warning. It was Hal from Arthur C Clarke’s 2010 sending a message from someone—no one knows who. The message was big, important, and . . .wonderful. I was scared, excited, and scared again. Scared, but not in a bad way. It was the feeling that I know my life was going to change. I would write more, if I knew more. It is just something wonderful is coming and I should prepare.

Asking Questions Was Self-Preserving Defense Mechanism
Trouble is during my class of baptismal inquiry, I was asking questions, good questions about the church. They were valid questions of Sabbath, catechism, the everything. I asked questions that raised other questions of the group, Thing is, I knew that I should be here. Yet, I was not sure if this was how I am supposed to be here.

I Think I Need A Translator
My first question was why do priests become priests. She said simply, it was a calling. I came to the meeting because I got a message, but I needed a translator. Sunday, a blackout. Now I am going though baptism process to possible pastoral vocation. Whoah—I Don’t Know. Never been a big churchie? I’m an ACE Catholic (Ashe Wednesday, Christmas, and Easter) Now I am considering being a Priest? Pastor? Deacon?

I asked questions to gain knowledge, but more as a defense mechanism. I’m not ready. Calculate quickly in my head. It fits. The events of my life—the life choices—the synchronous messages I got--lead to this? I just do not know. I don’t know if my heart was open. I’m holding that twist tie for my dear life. It is just this, should I? I know since I was there I was ready to open. For what, I can’t tell yet.

Tears—Body Can’t Hold Back Anymore
City of Angel movie explained crying as the body’s inability to hold back a torrent of feelings. People shed tears because there so much emotions. This is what was happening to me. A torrent was building. I do not know where this river was taking. I rode this wave before. Elaine, it was with you.Before I went to Boston. I knew that I needed to leave California. Again, it was not to leave you my soul mate, it was to go where I needed to be. No logic. No idea where Fate would take me, but I did know that I needed to follow my heart. Blind, challenged, and afraid--I knew I was going anyways. Universe will provide. I trust her. My life is changing, no doubt in my heart.
Well, that’s it.

Glitter: A Troubled Soul That Could Do Anything and Be Anything

01/3/2010 5:28:59 PM
Her name is Glitter (Actually, it’s not, I fear someone may try to look her up. She may not be too happy) At any rate, she may not know it, but she infected me. Infected with this writing bug. Hopefully, some day I will thank her. I don’t know what she is doing now. Writing. Stripping. Selling. Angel-ing. Who knows? Myspaced her awhile ago, but I don’t myspace anymore. Just facebook and the occasional twitter.

What I liked about her is the “go-for-it” gumption. Of course, she was attractive, smart, ballsy. Moreover, she was not afraid to use her assets. Unfortunately, with many people of her caliber, she had issues. Who doesn’t? It’s been a long time since I thought about her. We got brownies a couple of times. I was a lightweight compared to her. She gave me her panties when to I went to Hawaii. (Long story, another time) We weren't close in that way. She had a way about her. Glitter made me laugh.

Late, winter nights make me think of her. I hope she is not tired--or wasted--or burnt out. She had the ability to be anything and do anything--No remorse, no hate in her heart. When I think of her, it is one listening to the beat of her own drum. Pretty actress-type. Gorgeous smile. Nice figure. Smart. Practical. Former stripper. Opinionated. Writer. Nothing she did surprised me. If she became an actress, a politician’s wife, a vegan advocate--Glitter was something else. She's got skills. If she was a hooking, stripping, personal training, I would say that sounds like Glitter. If she became a world renowned writer or porn star. . .honestly,the circles she traveled amazed me. Interviewed luminaries, published writer, walked on the dark-side (I will leave it at that) Glitter has an outstanding spirit. I hope it is not snuffed out.

She has some demons—Dark Demons. Honestly, who doesn't?I remember the things she said when she was having a bad trip. Probably doesn’t remember, but I do. Body language told the story. Buckled over, holding herself. Writhing in pain. deep emotional pain. A heavy guilt weighs on her soul. The brownie-induced psycho-drama out was not first time it played, I suspect. I fear she may keep replaying that drama until she gets help, professional help. She needs to forgive herself and stop repressing this pain. Guess, that is why I am drawn to her. I turned to peer counseling because I needed help. She hides it. No, "Buries" is a better word. Until she accepts that hole in heart, she will keep butterflying from one social circle to another. Glitter is more like a moth, she keeps flying to the light unaware these unconscious choices are self-punishment. She's Blanche Duboise, the histrionic personality in Streetcar Named Desire. She's running from a herself. A decision--a tough, life altering decision she made. Looking back, I understand now why you wanted be like Lauryn Hill. Zion is one of my favorite songs on the tract, too.

Glitter,I do not believe you have forgiven yourself. I had a hard time doing the same. I, too, was in denial, deep Denial. Lauryn Hill's song, "I Used to Love Her (Him)" hit a chord for me. I was afraid of who I would become if I stayed with her. Emotional abuse I would not take. After so many loud, shouting matches and unrelenting, harsh, angry words,I can see how a man could put hands on a woman. Don't get me wrong, I am not rationalizing domestic abuse. It is WRONG. Just Wrong. A real man should never strike a woman. The better part of valor may be taking your leave. I was afraid if I was with her longer, I would be dead (emotionally) or she would be, physically.

Glitter is Armenian. She has cultural pressures: Be successful, find a good Armenian husband, etcetera. From last I heard, she is far from that. She runs Glitter's Angels. Don't suspect her family approves. She hooked up with some bouncer guy in Florida, Jack (not his name). If he is her boyfriend, then he must be a good guy. She seesaws from good and bad, hot to not-so hot. She knows that means. Maybe she will read this sometime. Maybe not. I hope to connect with her in the future. Twinkle (Inside joke), I hope you are doing well. If you are in trouble, I still hope you would connect with me. I hope that it does not get too bad that you can’t get out of. You have a good soul. I hope you find Forgiveness. Glitter, be well.