Door Closed. . .

A missed flight and the trajectory of his life changed forever. A crash he was never in. A bigger purpose he had. Music was his love, but another Love—Bigger and Better—was found. Was it better? Was it bigger? This I do not know. But I would like to think so.

A higher calling was found and he answered. Ministering and calling those who will listen and have audience for the Big Smile.

It’s funny how an accident here can have a lasting effect on all those that follow. Perspectives change. Attitudes are re-examined. Anger, denial, bargaining fills the void. We ask hard questions of ourselves. We make decisions and we got to live with them.  We go askew. We discover our detour leads to a life never imagined. Cross roads in our lives leads us to places we were supposed to go. We make decisions. We need take these life lessons in order to make us ready for decisions in front of us.

He spoke with me in confidence once. Not sure if he was sensing my dilemma or maybe he was unburdening the heavy weight on his soul. Whatever the reason, I found solace and serenity in his letting down his guard. A  man of God, he spoke. He was angry, deeply angry at the Big Smile. This one afternoon, we were sitting just waiting for his daughter, my friend.  He said at times he goes out in the desert to scream, Scream at God. Don’t recall how the conversation evolved for him to say these words, but they brought comfort to me.

Why?  One may ask. Life had been changing for me in clips I wasn’t ready for. Rochelle passed from cancer and I was angry. So angry. Got mad at Father, Teachers, Friends. Moved away from friends I liked. Gone from a place that was my Home. Embarrassed by life circumstances and angry with everything at the moment, he said he would go out at the desert and scream at God. Wow, this was a concept that blew me away. How can someone be angry at God? How can someone minster the word and be angry at the one has given the word? He said, he loved God, but at times did not understand the mysteries in front of him. There was a rage. He was troubled by this dilemma. Being angry at the one he loved.

It never registered such a concept existed. Thought I was in outer space. The one that bestows the many gifts of life can also fire such anger and animosity. Can people can be angry with the Big Smile? Guess, they can. He said, he did. This made it easier for me. Life situation happened. One could love family and friends and still be angry with them. I just loved who they are and that was enough. I forgave them for cross words and impolite unpleasantries. However, being angry at God made it okay to be angry and others.  I knew that being angry was short-lived emotion and I knew these feelings would pass. It made okay to love my Loved Ones, but be angry at their behaviors.

I was never quick to anger. However, once the fuse was lit, the fire would be hard to quench. Burn, baby. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, let the mother fucker burn. Burn mother fucker. Burn. Burn. Burn. This was the attitude I had at the time. Held it for some time, but did not know it at the time. Just the way I did things. I used this fire to accomplish some things.  Things I was proud of. It was just sublimation. It worked for me at the time.

Having feelings that were alien to my belief system did not sync. It brought me incongruity, a disjointedness. His words brought me peace knowing the Big Carl had feelings similar to mine. I was angry at life and couldn’t blame the people around because they were dealing with similar stuff. It wasn’t their fault, but I still felt angry. Angry at who? God, but I just didn’t know it at the time. Sure there were others that I had legitimate beef with, but that too has passed.

That simple conversation made a world of difference on my attitude of life. Could have remained angry. Could have projected on to others who didn’t deserve it. Could have denied the feelings and beliefs with myself. Could have kept on sublimating, but that would not resolved the true root cause.  

Its not easy at times to deal with the challenges we face. Its not without purpose we go through the trials. There is purpose and meaning to events in our lives. Perhaps it is the human condition rationalizing incredible events? Perhaps it is make believe that we live in and there is not Big Smile at all. However, I don’t think that is true.  Could be atheist and believe no God exist.  Or I could be an agnostic and hedge my bets. Or I can believe that there is the Alpha/ Omega and there is bigger plan to all the chaotic randomness we live in. At times, things are taken from us because we need to go a different way. Had to do this with my nephew because continuing in certain behaviors would be worse. At the time, I didn't see the big picture. I did not understand the Bigger purpose. 

Inspiration, understanding, free will—these are gifts that we must all cherish. Choice is yours. Messages are all around.  All I can say is this keep your eyes and your heart open. Carl, thank you for sharing with me. It helped me to let go and let God.

More to the Story

Steve Nash—Divorces after Birth of Third Child.

This is Effed Up. He’s my favorite basketball player. What is up? I clicked to read more.Steve Nash Divorces After Birth of Child, An Off Putting Title Learned they have been separated for a few months and the process of marriage dissolution has been in the works for some time.  At times, I hate the bait and switch of sensation story writing. Must admit it works. I clicked. Made me realize these sensational story snippets is a hook and I got caught. 

But At This Moment. . .

Got me thinking this morning. Not to be so quick to judge. Enjoy the day. Sunday morning, sitting here at the new Panera, having an Jalapeno Asiago breakfast bagel sandwich. Downloading some pictures to FB. (Thanks Steve for compliment)  Tried working on my 5 things I am grateful for. Adopting this habit is important for me. On WordPress last night,  it was more challenging than my energies could marshal. Staying local today. No Beach run or Paley Museum.  Horoscope said it is a day of completion. Plus, home stuff needs attention.

It’s a beautiful day anyways. Yesterday, too. Manny Pacquiao won unanimous decision. Did some sightseeing in downtown LA and got some Thai food for dinner. This is what I am thankful for yesterday. In a couple of weeks, Thanksgiving is upon us. Spend time with family. Catch up. Eat watch the Lakers play. Maybe do a soup Kitchen. Enjoy others company. An entire day to be Thankful.

Self Analysis

Figured out why I visit so many museums of late. It hit me a couple days ago. Realized that this my recent fascination of art and sculptures stems from me compensating. A few months back, I was supposed to going be on a trip with M to the Getty Museum. It never happened. long story short, incommunicado. Still went. Spent hours at the Getty just taking pictures. Futilely filling the feeling of emptiness. It stirred me. Made me realized, I missed much. My Aunt Mary said, there are many artists in the family. From what I understand, she is fashion designer. Learned my grandfather was artist, too. Never really knew him. Wish I did. Learned that M enjoys art, too. That’s why I go.

My Coping Mechanism

From this, missed moment it has fueled my fire for history. Some personal and familial history. Don’t know how many museums I’ve visited this last year. From people at LCH, they tell me I go all the time. This is just compensatory.  Straight sublimation. There are more defense mechanisms I’m sure. Just Googled it.  This is how I cope.

Not Alone

My HR Management instructor once said, “Those with great strengths also have great weaknesses.” This always stuck. Made me wonder of all these Heroes, the people too good to be true.  Heroes we invest our Hopes and Dreams. Steve Nash divorcing, Rough.  When we learn they are human too, it brings one pause and makes us pay attention to our own stuff. There is comfort knowing we are in the same boat.

Manny Pacquiao won last night. What fuels his fire. In an HBO interview, Manny said, “He knows what it is like to be Nothing.”  From then on, I admired him more. He was very Human.  Not just a great fighter, but someone genuine.  Read that during the 11^th round, Manny looked at the referee, wondering are you going to stop this fight. He can’t see. Then Manny proceeded to NOT go for the Knockout. When I read this, Class Act. Not wanting cause more permanent physical damage.

Mind Wanders in Church

We all have some angst. Some thing that gnaws at us. We all have life issues. We have healthy ways handling stuff. Some aren’t so healthy. What used to bother me is that not being the best. If I wasn’t going to start, then I would find something that I would be varsity at. In time, it became humbling.  This need to be more than an honorable mention has been helpful and hurtful at times. In time, the need to be Elite has left. Now, I simply want to enjoy the people and time that I am with and let the rest take care of itself. Church yesterday got me thinking. Do all that I can and let God do the Rest.

. . .And Not

 I stole this from profile quote on FB from an old friend Marc, who got it from a movie 13^th Warrior. It helps me.  Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait. . .

Life happens. Divorces. Bad choices. Computer problems. Plans of a perfect life are nice, but these life moments are the stuff we need. We need to get up when we fall down. We look at the situation. Analyze. Feel Bad. We suck it up and move on.

Why? We realize the next few minutes are really all we need. Life has a way or working itself out. Steve Nash, sorry for people sensationlizing a private matter. I hope this Axiom is True, Then the Opposite should also be true. If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait, then All Bad Things Leave To Those Ready To Move On.  

Epigram

Criticism: Some people love you, some people don’t. 

Fire Me Up, Don't Burn Me Down

It’s easy to tear something down. To take down brick by brick the works of others. Sometimes this is needed. That is all some can do. Tear things down. No skills to build, just to demolish. Perhaps, criticism is well-founded. Perhaps, the ones that criticize have been there and done that. 

Talk So Much, But Not Saying A Thing
More often than not, the ones that are harshest and have the most sting are the ones that have been hurt the most. A defense tactic learned early to protect this hurt child. Criticizers and talking heads attack because an over-abundance of anger and hate.  Negative critics remind me of CNN or Fox "so-called-experts." Wrong with this. Wrong with that. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing of substance these bobble head speak. Their tirades are. . .uninspired.

Void Needs Filling. Don't Be A Soul Assassin

They grab and attack others energies to boost their own waning supplies. Can’t create this positive energy themselves, so they prey on others. Looking for a weakness. Looking for an opening. Looking for something that is missing. They find it. They always find something missing. Trouble is they can't fill themselves. There is a hole in their heart. There is a hole in their soul. They are spilling bile because inside gangrene festers.Before criticizing ask this, What will you leave in the world?

To the critics, I am reminded by Orlando Bloom, Kingdom of Heaven, quote “What is a Man Who Does Not Make the World Better Place.”

Value In Everything

When the words of angry detractors pollute my prana. I try to find the message. At times, there is difficulty. Difficulty in decoding the message. There is anger and hurt. Difficulty in the message because the messenger may not have command of the words to communicate their meaning. Difficulty in the message because we have personal blocks that don’t allow us to hear the true meaning. There is a message. May take some time, to uncover the noise. But the feedback is valued. Learned a new word, Epigram. Thank you. Your other stuff, still working on it. Will give the attention its due

Let Them Cry

If a person is taking the time to retort, give feedback, criticize, than that is okay. He cared enough to write. He cared enough to read more. He cared enough to share. Sometimes the display of affection is misguided and looks like graffiti.

Guess, I would be more upset if one didn't care. From the feedback read, one must care a lot. Touching an exposed nerve can be uncomfortable. Guess, one has to take a punch at times. At this time I say, "Ouch." Just don't see the world in those angry eyes. Just garbage.

Negative criticism--I liken it to a baby crying. He cries because he needs attention. He cries because he hungers for something missing. He cries because he is having a tizzy fit. To this, let them cry. In time, his sobs will abate. He will discover other ways to communicate. Negative criticizers will grow up. It's still taking me time for me to grow up, too.

Analogy Rant: ON

So when the noise gets too loud, turn down the volume. If the ugly words graffiti-ize your space, then paint over it. Raise the rent because the space in your head is too valuable. Talking heads are bargaining for a discount because they can’t pay. The bee stings cause anaphylactic shock, then take the epi and move on. One will be short of breath. One's throat will be constricted. However, take meds. One's respiratory rate will return. One's heart will go back to normal. Understand it and move. If one doesn’t understand, get some space. Get some distance. Move on. Look at the bigger picture. This bombardment of pathogens is constant. An immunity will be built. Angry words will bounce off thickened skin. The WBCs will phagocitize this alien body. The kidneys and bowels will just excrete this out. 

Let Go. Go with God

Much props to the ones that have gone before us. We should memorialize those that have made us stronger and better. To the talking heads and angry criticizers, I forgive because at times it make us stronger and better. I understand that is all one can do is tear down. Sorry. Everyone needs to be loved. Just some are harder to love than others.

Glitter: A Troubled Soul That Could Do Anything and Be Anything

01/3/2010 5:28:59 PM
Her name is Glitter (Actually, it’s not, I fear someone may try to look her up. She may not be too happy) At any rate, she may not know it, but she infected me. Infected with this writing bug. Hopefully, some day I will thank her. I don’t know what she is doing now. Writing. Stripping. Selling. Angel-ing. Who knows? Myspaced her awhile ago, but I don’t myspace anymore. Just facebook and the occasional twitter.

What I liked about her is the “go-for-it” gumption. Of course, she was attractive, smart, ballsy. Moreover, she was not afraid to use her assets. Unfortunately, with many people of her caliber, she had issues. Who doesn’t? It’s been a long time since I thought about her. We got brownies a couple of times. I was a lightweight compared to her. She gave me her panties when to I went to Hawaii. (Long story, another time) We weren't close in that way. She had a way about her. Glitter made me laugh.

Late, winter nights make me think of her. I hope she is not tired--or wasted--or burnt out. She had the ability to be anything and do anything--No remorse, no hate in her heart. When I think of her, it is one listening to the beat of her own drum. Pretty actress-type. Gorgeous smile. Nice figure. Smart. Practical. Former stripper. Opinionated. Writer. Nothing she did surprised me. If she became an actress, a politician’s wife, a vegan advocate--Glitter was something else. She's got skills. If she was a hooking, stripping, personal training, I would say that sounds like Glitter. If she became a world renowned writer or porn star. . .honestly,the circles she traveled amazed me. Interviewed luminaries, published writer, walked on the dark-side (I will leave it at that) Glitter has an outstanding spirit. I hope it is not snuffed out.

She has some demons—Dark Demons. Honestly, who doesn't?I remember the things she said when she was having a bad trip. Probably doesn’t remember, but I do. Body language told the story. Buckled over, holding herself. Writhing in pain. deep emotional pain. A heavy guilt weighs on her soul. The brownie-induced psycho-drama out was not first time it played, I suspect. I fear she may keep replaying that drama until she gets help, professional help. She needs to forgive herself and stop repressing this pain. Guess, that is why I am drawn to her. I turned to peer counseling because I needed help. She hides it. No, "Buries" is a better word. Until she accepts that hole in heart, she will keep butterflying from one social circle to another. Glitter is more like a moth, she keeps flying to the light unaware these unconscious choices are self-punishment. She's Blanche Duboise, the histrionic personality in Streetcar Named Desire. She's running from a herself. A decision--a tough, life altering decision she made. Looking back, I understand now why you wanted be like Lauryn Hill. Zion is one of my favorite songs on the tract, too.

Glitter,I do not believe you have forgiven yourself. I had a hard time doing the same. I, too, was in denial, deep Denial. Lauryn Hill's song, "I Used to Love Her (Him)" hit a chord for me. I was afraid of who I would become if I stayed with her. Emotional abuse I would not take. After so many loud, shouting matches and unrelenting, harsh, angry words,I can see how a man could put hands on a woman. Don't get me wrong, I am not rationalizing domestic abuse. It is WRONG. Just Wrong. A real man should never strike a woman. The better part of valor may be taking your leave. I was afraid if I was with her longer, I would be dead (emotionally) or she would be, physically.

Glitter is Armenian. She has cultural pressures: Be successful, find a good Armenian husband, etcetera. From last I heard, she is far from that. She runs Glitter's Angels. Don't suspect her family approves. She hooked up with some bouncer guy in Florida, Jack (not his name). If he is her boyfriend, then he must be a good guy. She seesaws from good and bad, hot to not-so hot. She knows that means. Maybe she will read this sometime. Maybe not. I hope to connect with her in the future. Twinkle (Inside joke), I hope you are doing well. If you are in trouble, I still hope you would connect with me. I hope that it does not get too bad that you can’t get out of. You have a good soul. I hope you find Forgiveness. Glitter, be well.

Injuries--Life Necessities

Monday, January 04, 2010

2010 Promises Made, Injuries Endured
Barnes and Nobles—Trying to stay on 2010 promises. Blogged earlier today. Had to leave the house because there was a ton of people. It was a New Years get-together. Mostly, Luz’s family. When I left, kids were playing upstairs. The rest were watching Hangover. I don’t think they knew the Lakers were playing the Kings. If they did, I suspect they would be watching that instead. Earlier, they were watching Florida and Tim Tebow play against Cincinnati in some bowl game. Gators were winning 33+ to 3. Blow out. At one stint, a player got hurt. Dislocated his elbow. Ouch!!!

I know the feeling. Dislocated mine wrestling. A good wrestler from Ridgecrest caught me in a double underhook. Tilted me over. I planted my left elbow. Heard a crunch. I had an OBE, Out of Body Experience. I heard a shout from over there. Little did I realize that shout came from me. My season was over. Kind of glad in a way. No longer running after practice. No more cutting weight.

Injuries, I had a few. When I was 4 or 5, I was pushed off a slide and broke my left arm. Leaned on a glass table and had to get stitches for my knee. Broke my clavicle playing football. Strained or tore my ACL playing basketball. Turned a few ankles here and there. Injuries, just a fact of life.

Recoveries: Paths from Injury's Lessons
Recovering from an injury:one of the trials all of us must face. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t to take that road to recovery. We can all relate. Sometimes these injuries are life-threatening. Sometimes they are just require some chicken soup and a band-aid. After going through my share of funerals last year, I realized there are injuries to one’s soul. Battered children, sexual assault victims, and the gamut suffer an injury. These assaults to mind and soul can dramatically effect the person makeup in ways that cannot be visibly seen, like a cast or a bruise. However, we can see it. It’s there. One just needs to be observant. Look at the defense mechanism they use. Are they inappropriately angry? Do they shout and scream for a relatively minor thing? Its regression. Are they saying “You sound bored. “? Are they accusing you of cheating? May want to reverse the mirror and look at the accuser. Are they denying or repressing some past hurt? Maybe, a friend of yours is studying or working extra hard? Sublimation.

Super Heroes Have Issues
Batman. Punisher. Daredevil. Spider-man. Captain America—All these Superhero character, Sublimators. All of them. A great pain was caused to them and they endured and turned all this emotional angst to something positive. Batman’s millionaire parents were killed by a criminal. Bruce remade himself to the Dark Knight to protect Gotham. Frank Castle had his family gunned down by a mob hit-man. He became a bad mo-fo kicking ass. Matt Murdoch became an a crime-fighting red ninja, kind of. His day job was attorney-at law. Peter Parker, dead gramps on his conscience, chose a life at the Daily Bugle instead of the WWE. Steve Roger was skinny nerd that shot up super anabolic steroids. Later, he had combat training and kicked some butt. All put a costume and fought crime. Why? Because they were wronged and they decided not to be a victim and chose to whoop ass.

I bet you know a hero right now. Police. Nurse. Physical therapist. Counselor, Teacher. They are all around us. Need inspiration. Read the Bible. Torah. Quran. Pick up a history book. Got to comic book store. They are all around us. Who your hero?

Public Humiliation Fires Me Up
Injuries effect more than the body. They affect the mind and soul. I am don't want you think these acts upon another were character strengthening. I have been the bully and I have been bullied. It is not nice being the victim and hopefully with time one learns it is not nice being the brutalizer either. These psychological injuries can be devastating. Nonetheless, one needs to decide to get better. First, they must accept the circumstances happened and then they need to decide to do something about it. Good or bad. Its really up to you. Wear a costume. Put on a badge. Go to school for a psychology degree. Whatever, it is one can replay the damage caused or one can decide to do something about it. Writing has become my medicine. Little personal history, during a class discussion, My Advance English teacher used one of my papers as how NOT to write. I remember him looking at me and snickering. My friends chuckled at my discomfort. Mr. Slay, thanks for blasting me. Sabbatical from writing is over. Now, I’m on my road to recovery.