More to the Story

Steve Nash—Divorces after Birth of Third Child.

This is Effed Up. He’s my favorite basketball player. What is up? I clicked to read more.Steve Nash Divorces After Birth of Child, An Off Putting Title Learned they have been separated for a few months and the process of marriage dissolution has been in the works for some time.  At times, I hate the bait and switch of sensation story writing. Must admit it works. I clicked. Made me realize these sensational story snippets is a hook and I got caught. 

But At This Moment. . .

Got me thinking this morning. Not to be so quick to judge. Enjoy the day. Sunday morning, sitting here at the new Panera, having an Jalapeno Asiago breakfast bagel sandwich. Downloading some pictures to FB. (Thanks Steve for compliment)  Tried working on my 5 things I am grateful for. Adopting this habit is important for me. On WordPress last night,  it was more challenging than my energies could marshal. Staying local today. No Beach run or Paley Museum.  Horoscope said it is a day of completion. Plus, home stuff needs attention.

It’s a beautiful day anyways. Yesterday, too. Manny Pacquiao won unanimous decision. Did some sightseeing in downtown LA and got some Thai food for dinner. This is what I am thankful for yesterday. In a couple of weeks, Thanksgiving is upon us. Spend time with family. Catch up. Eat watch the Lakers play. Maybe do a soup Kitchen. Enjoy others company. An entire day to be Thankful.

Self Analysis

Figured out why I visit so many museums of late. It hit me a couple days ago. Realized that this my recent fascination of art and sculptures stems from me compensating. A few months back, I was supposed to going be on a trip with M to the Getty Museum. It never happened. long story short, incommunicado. Still went. Spent hours at the Getty just taking pictures. Futilely filling the feeling of emptiness. It stirred me. Made me realized, I missed much. My Aunt Mary said, there are many artists in the family. From what I understand, she is fashion designer. Learned my grandfather was artist, too. Never really knew him. Wish I did. Learned that M enjoys art, too. That’s why I go.

My Coping Mechanism

From this, missed moment it has fueled my fire for history. Some personal and familial history. Don’t know how many museums I’ve visited this last year. From people at LCH, they tell me I go all the time. This is just compensatory.  Straight sublimation. There are more defense mechanisms I’m sure. Just Googled it.  This is how I cope.

Not Alone

My HR Management instructor once said, “Those with great strengths also have great weaknesses.” This always stuck. Made me wonder of all these Heroes, the people too good to be true.  Heroes we invest our Hopes and Dreams. Steve Nash divorcing, Rough.  When we learn they are human too, it brings one pause and makes us pay attention to our own stuff. There is comfort knowing we are in the same boat.

Manny Pacquiao won last night. What fuels his fire. In an HBO interview, Manny said, “He knows what it is like to be Nothing.”  From then on, I admired him more. He was very Human.  Not just a great fighter, but someone genuine.  Read that during the 11^th round, Manny looked at the referee, wondering are you going to stop this fight. He can’t see. Then Manny proceeded to NOT go for the Knockout. When I read this, Class Act. Not wanting cause more permanent physical damage.

Mind Wanders in Church

We all have some angst. Some thing that gnaws at us. We all have life issues. We have healthy ways handling stuff. Some aren’t so healthy. What used to bother me is that not being the best. If I wasn’t going to start, then I would find something that I would be varsity at. In time, it became humbling.  This need to be more than an honorable mention has been helpful and hurtful at times. In time, the need to be Elite has left. Now, I simply want to enjoy the people and time that I am with and let the rest take care of itself. Church yesterday got me thinking. Do all that I can and let God do the Rest.

. . .And Not

 I stole this from profile quote on FB from an old friend Marc, who got it from a movie 13^th Warrior. It helps me.  Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait. . .

Life happens. Divorces. Bad choices. Computer problems. Plans of a perfect life are nice, but these life moments are the stuff we need. We need to get up when we fall down. We look at the situation. Analyze. Feel Bad. We suck it up and move on.

Why? We realize the next few minutes are really all we need. Life has a way or working itself out. Steve Nash, sorry for people sensationlizing a private matter. I hope this Axiom is True, Then the Opposite should also be true. If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait, then All Bad Things Leave To Those Ready To Move On.  

Blonde and Brown Eyed

Moments In Time
Blonde. Big Brown Eyes. Soft-spoken. Waif-y type. She had a quiet, adventurous side. Its been some several years since we last spoke. She was smart, not the type to draw attention to herself. She was a sophomore and I, a junior, at the time. 

We went out a couple times. Nothing serious. She had a guy friend. His name was Tom. (No, it’s not. For this purpose, it shall be) From a distance, they looked together. However, when we spoke in class, his name never came up. There was a vibe.

Could Learn from Mr. Nice Guy

Tom and Blonde and brown-eyed had something. Serious relationship, I was not sure. Or I was not paying attention. At the time, he was more in, than she. I got the Mr. Nice Guy vibe. Reminded me of a Ryan and Patty relationship. Friends with no benefits. (Lisa if you are reading this, just nod knowingly)  Frankly, at the time, didn’t care too much. My wounds were fresh. Recently broke up with my middle school sweetheart (again). It was rough this time. Blonde and Tom, figured, she could always say, “No.”

Long run, what do I know about any relationships? Tom married twice and I still haven’t gone down on one knee. Perhaps, I could learn a thing or two from Mr. Nice Guy.

Six Degrees
Through six degrees of separation and synchronicity, I’ve discovered that a grade school classmate was related to Blonde and brown-eyed last night. Honestly, didn’t know why Tumbleweed would send a friend request to me, we weren’t close. If memory serves correctly, kids were mean and she showed high maturity depthness that did not fit for the Fifth grade time.


Tumbleweed
She was the scapegoat for immature kids. Seriously considered ignoring the request, fearing repercussion. Did not remember if I was in nice in grade school. Don't think I was part of the mob of Fifth grade. . .At any rate, something nudged me to accept. So I did. Thought she showed forgiveness, courage and strength that many wish they had when she sent FB request.

Met Tumbleweed (That’s the name of the grade school. Tumbleweed Elementary) Then met her cousin seven years later in high school. Then decades later, I receive a FB friend request from this grade school acquaintance, Tumbleweed. She was kind enough to open up and share. So I reciprocated some life story. Wasn’t sure on what this pending synchronicity was, but assumed it would be revealed.

In short, this discovery has not come with great joy.

Crashing
In a group email yesterday, this Tumbleweed informed her FB friends that she was coming from middle America back to the AV. It was to announce she will attend a funeral in a few days. Wasn’t sure if this was just coincidence, however, the name looked familiar. Couldn’t find the deceased photo. However, A quick click here on the other FB friends, a couple names looked familiar. I thought well, Palmdale was a small town. Clicked on the departed’s ex and the face looked familiar. It was Mr. Nice Guy. His former wife passed. 

Long story short recently departed was Blonde and brown eyed. 

Won’t go into the details, but her passing was not by natural causes nor was it accidental. You can figure out the rest. Knew her briefly, but this incredibly synchronicity was disappointing to learn.

No Sense, No Matter
Logically, I should not feel as disturbed as I do. We weren’t very close and its been a long time. However, can’t help feel connected and empty inside. Its not that we were best friends or old lovers, it’s just someone I knew in high school, several graduations ago.

Moments Matter
I’ve read what the internet articles wrote. It has more meaning, because she was someone I knew. A connection existed. She had nice, warm smile. Her eyes had wonderment and brightness deep in them from what I remembered. Much has happened in between, My memories of classroom chats are vague and clouded. However, taking a late night drive with her on a rainy night remains vivid and clear.

Wasn’t sure if she was seeing Tom seriously at the time, but what I remember deeply was that she said, “Yes.”

No Words
We had nothing in common. There was nothing we really talked about that stormy night. However, our paths crossed and it was right for that time. Won’t dwell on the events leading to her passing. Won’t focus that we really didn’t know each other afterwards. I will remember, we spent some time when we needed each other. No talking, just a nice drive and looking at the city lights that rainy night. Haven’t thought about her for long time. I think about her tonight.

We never spoke later about that night. We took different paths. She got serious with Tom, eventually marrying him. I met my soul mate, but that is a story already told. We would glance at each other down the hallways when we were with our others. Just a knowing smile and that was enough. A pleasant memory tucked away.

They married for years from what I read. They split; however, they remained friends from what I hear. This is no real surprise. She did not have an angry energy about her. My soul mate met another and she has a handsome son. We still exchange postcards and comment on FB. Yet, I digress.

Never Gone 
This is about her. Perhaps, the nudge to accept FB request was this. Synchronicity. This is something I believe. Events have purpose. We shared this quick, fleeting moment. Yet, I now find myself putting this out into the internet universe. I have some reservation about sharing this since the circumstances are difficult. However, the best way to honor someone is to remember and to respect their memory. No one is really gone if you never forget. 

Whether you believe in heaven and the other place. Whether you subscribe to reincarnation and karma.  I hope you will share my wish that her spirit moves on, letting justice take its course. Her family and friends may have anger and revenge in their heart and they should. However, I pray these strong feelings are quenched soon so their healing can begin. 

Return to Innocence
Heather, I hope that your soul finds peace soon. Although our paths crossed briefly, I am sure we will meet we will meet again. Maybe we can help each other to get to where we need to be again. Your presence helped me discover how deep my Love was. We will connect and be friends again, this I am sure. 

What more can I write, except that her journey is not over. There really is no beginning to the end, just a return to innocence. May it begin happily anew.

Life on a 3 by 5

Quidnunc--Hope to never lose this.

Love Happens. I know it does. My love for my Dad. My love for my brother. My love for my sister in law and the kids. My love for my Mom. My love for my family and friends. I know it happens and should not be rushed. My love for the Big Smile. My love for Em.

Catching a movie. Learning her dog will pass. It’s that kiss in the night with my Best Friend’s girl. It’s that First Love and that great Snow. It’s those candlelight massages.

Its Tina. Its Tiffany. Its Kitty. Its Magic. Its Biophille.

It’s that tug on my wrist as you say “Play With Me.” Its when you hum the Star Wars theme. It’s that time when you bring me a cookie for no reason, except just to give me a cookie.

Its that time seeing you being helicoptered away. Its when I flew in one a couple of days ago so I can talk to Angels, too.

Its when you tap dance and ask me to give me words for you to spell. Its when you study whale sounds and Chumash Indians.

It’s when you let me in when I have no family of my own. Its when knowing that you are out there. Its when I see pictures of your smile. Its when you have taken me to the Ambassador Hotel so I can go comic book hunting. It was when you had no Hate in your heart and I was jealous. It was when we shared our times together.

It is when you guys moved on. It is when we found each other again. Going our separate ways. It is when I know that you are out there and I know that I Love you and we have never really met.

I know Love Happens. It happens when child look up to parents. It happens when brother and sister accept each other just because they are brother and sister. It is shared moments with family and friends. It is when you meet your first love, your last love, your soul mate. It is the love of being an uncle. It is the love of family long gone. Its is lost friends found again. It is the love of the Big Smile. It is the Love that life you have lived will lead you to where you need to be.

Love Happens and I gotta still Believe.

Poppysmic--look it up

 

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

Cemetery, So Much Life

Many heroes lie here. One of them is my Father's friend, Marv. A good man. Lived through three wars. Married some, years. Raised a family. The rest is history. Don't know if he was accomplished man. Don't know if he won medals and such. Don't know what he did. All I know is that his diminutive stature hid a giant of a man. His family loved him. His wife stayed married to him. Friends visit his grave still. What more needs to be said.

Baring Witness
Spoke at his funeral. I remember crying, standing alone. In front of family, friends, complete strangers. No podium to hold on to. No lectern to hide with. Just there to be bare. To be witness. For me to be judged. To be open. To be raw. Sharing feelings, body and soul. To be naked to my pain, to my loss, to my hurt. I am a guarded man. Showing emotions is foreign. I don't like to be so out there.

Lesson Learned: Openness
I have learned that it is not the way. Not all the time. Being a closed loop has drawbacks. Sure, it is good to recoup and heal; however, one can not be open to others. Open for opportunities. Open for love. Open to let others in. To share. We are connected. We need each other. No man is an island. We are all part of a greater good. Some bigger plan. Something larger.

Seeing Marv. His plaque. A lifetime here. Heroes all these fallen soldiers. So many lifetimes. Battles fought. Battles lost. Battles won. Childhoods, weddings, marriages, parenthood. Dreams realized. Dreams lost. Being in such hollowed grounds never was never so hollowed until yesterday. My visit opened my eyes. Before, it was green lawns. Fountains. Ducks. It was a place where people were buried. Nothing more. Yet, yesterday I learned it was so much more. Lifetimes. Lifetimes. Lifetimes. So much in so little place. Heroes all of them. Each battling their war. Our wars. Their personal battles. Each winning peace. Each winning the meaning of it all.

Death is a Transition
A change of state. Nothing ever dies. Its just going somewhere. Returning back to its primordial state. We are all stardust. Nuclear waste as someone would say. Don't like that word waste. Nothing is ever not used. The calcium in our bones. The potassium in our blood. Na+/ K exchange pumps firing electrical impulses. It sends us messages to our brain. It is our experiences in these synaptic firing. It sends out messages to our body. Our actions. Our thoughts. It causes us to speed up or slow down. Contract. Relax. It holds our memory. Brain is just an organ. Yet we are more. We are brain. We are organs. We are a Shell and everything inside. We are our mind. We are our soul. We are everything outside. We are our everything.

We are a gift. Life is a gift. To be lived. To be loved. To create memories. To develop beauty.

Proof of GOD
Watched a video last night. It was YouTube video proving the existence of God. A teacher is proving to his class that of grade schoolers that God is evil. He postulates. God is evil. God created everything. Go created goodness, true. God created Animals. Plants. Everything. True. He also created Evil since is its part of everything. God in turn is evil. A young retorts. God does exist. There exist Cold. True. Professor answers yes there is Cold. Child corrects his teacher and says, False. Cold is the absence of Heat. Child asks another question to his teacher. Is there Darkness? Teacher says yes, there is darkness. Child corrects his teacher again. False. it has been explained that Darkness does not exist. He said physicists defined darkness as the absence of light. He said Evil does not exist. It just the absence of God. Without God in our hearts, Evil exist. This young man was Albert Einstein.

I don't know if this logic game proves God or not. I believe God exist. I believe there is a higher. I believe that we should open ourselves. Open to let the love in. Open to the higher purpose. Open to the everything. Synchronicity. Serendipity. Possibility.

An Apple Am I
Being a strong ndividually is important. It is nice. Being part of a strong collective is also important. It is also nice. Much is gained by letting people in, letting the love in. Let people in your heart. Without Marv, without Tammy, I would never be me. Absence of family, absence friends, I would be cold. I would be dark. I would be absent. They are my light. They are my heat. They are my love. They are the Apple that I take a bite from. They feed my body. They feed my soul. They are part of me, forever. They are me. Marv, thank you for being my apple

Marvin, My Dad's Friend

Going to visit an old family friend. Marvin. He was my dad's good friend. Best friend, I think. We are going to the Riverside National Cemetery. Good three hour drive. It's been too long since we were at Marvin's burial. Fate would have it. His daughter Tracy put a post on Facebook about her mother being in the hospital. Long story short. I said I would like to go see Marvin, but don't know where he is. Got the info and now I am going to drop off some flower. The day I wrote Tracy was the day he died. His death anniversary. Tracy wrote that her mother, Mary, would like that dearly since she is half a country away. Don't know why there has been so much death in my posts. Rochelle. Andres. Dad.

Guess, it has to deal with my own mortality. Yesterday why exercising I felt a a plopping feeling. Thought it was my belly moving up and down from the exercising. Didn't think it was my heart because my heart rate was normal. Put my hand on chest anyways, just in case. Normal, I guess. How normal can it be with congestive heart failure. Anyways.

I miss him. I miss Marv. He was the last living connection to my Dad before he went to the Philippines. I miss Dad.

I'll write about my journey when I get back.