Marriage By ROSELYN NADONZA

Re-posted from Facebook.

WRITTEN BY MS ROSELYN NADONZA

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...
 
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly. 

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.

I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. 

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. 

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. 

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. 

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. 

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.





On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. 




She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 



On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. 

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. 

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do you have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

THANK YOU ROSELYN NADONZA

Balloon Therapy

D. Valdez--"It is ALWAYS GRANTED when asked for....

Couple days ago asked for Forgiveness. On Facebook. Couple of nights ago, got in a car accident.

Driving on Palmdale Boulevard at a quarter past eight at night. Just past the rotary and out of nowhere. . .it looked like a white boxer. Brown, too. It was to my right. It was dark. Driving 50. It happened in a split second.

Moving On Means Going Back, Too
All of sudden, Blam!!! Continued driving. Had this sinking feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve hit dogs before late at night, but this was different. Drove on. Got home, but couldn't stop. Decided to go back. Flipped a U-ie. Called the 911 to inform police to where the incident happened. Felt horrible. Why? Because I just kept going.

It was only 3 minutes there and back--I remember--since the accident happened. But needed to know that dog was not suffering. Emergency lights on, drove up and down the street twice looking for the dog. No blood. No dog. No nothing. When the officer arrived, we searched but could not find a thing. Nothing. 

Stopped under a light and got to see the dent to the right front bumper. It was good foot in length. Time for a new bumper. What troubled me the most is not the accident. Nor the deductible. It was not finding the dog. Just bothered me so. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t get mind off it. Remembering the crunch. Feeling of the steering wheel trying to correct the car after the swerve. Just wanted to ease my mind knowing that dog didn’t suffer much.

Salvation Is Not Always In Church
Logically knew there was not much more that could be done. Mind was straight, just my heart felt heavy. It was an accident, no one’s fault, but it weighed on me. Woke up the next morning, foregoing my walk and run. Just left the house. Found myself at St. Mary’s and just prayed. It was 6:40 am. Ten minutes in the morning mass.  I prayed, took communion, and then left still feeling uneasy.

Message From the Heaven
On the way to LCH, noticed from a distance a dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell. what it was. Driving closer and closer to Lancaster, past Avenue N, past Avenue K, the dot got bigger and bigger. Got to the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulled the Pentax out and started looking for that dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell still. Its a Monday. No hot air balloons on a weekday. People are working. 

Using the zoom, I realized the dot in the sky was a hot air balloon. An uncommon sight. Usually it’s a Saturday or Sunday when balloons dot the sky. Today, there it was. Most people would be out working, but this day was different. Started noticing my heart feeling lighter. Guess, my prayers were heard. Right then, realized and accepted damage was done and needed to move on.

Junipero Serra's Missions: Looking Up, Moving On
Something about looking up in the sky, and watching hot air balloons. My mind understood, but my heart still felt heavy for the loss. My heart needed to let go. It needed to lighten. It hurt and it bothered me. But seeing the dot in the sky helped me moved on. Can’t erase this memory, but one can reconcile on the mistakes made. 

Took pictures of a hot air balloon that was down a day earlier. Saw its descent and its landing on a field. Saw the retrieval truck pick up the passengers on their landing. Saw how the retrieval team follow the balloon on the roads. It was dangerous because the balloon was on Avenue M, near the airport. Right in front where planes land. Saw how quickly they were able to pick up these people up in the heavens and take them home.Maybe this is how Angels work.

Hindu Temple, Karma
I hope that the Dog found peace. I hope that Dog had lived a good life. I hope that Angels were able to pick up this Dog and take it to Heaven, to take the dog Home. I hope the Dog will forgive me.

After some time, it made me realize that we make mistakes. Sometimes people cause accidents. Sometimes people are the victims of accidents. Asking for and giving Forgiveness is hard at times. Whether you go to Church or Temple, there is something transformative in the act of Forgiving. Learned that lesson well. 

Angels Everywhere
Been burdened with heavy heart for a time. Now, done my crying. Done my hurting. Working on being Done with the heavy heart. "No more" is the plan. Got to pick up and let my soul take flight. Brian, Em, Robin, and so on—I Love You dearly. Got to go. Got to go with God. You are always with me. I believe the Big Smile will bring us back together.

Someday. 

Maybe next time we can do it better.

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

I Can't Do This, Sam--Frodo

Plans Change

Sitting in Customer Lounge at Robertson this morning. Needed to have Civic checked again. It was the second time in 2 days that I needed to get a jump. Five times I had to get a jump start since I brought it here three weeks back to get my battery checked. They said it was good. My car thinks otherwise. Lucky for me, I have in my flash drive a few flics: Ninja Assassin, Up In the Air, and To Paris With Love. Relatively, new movies. Took my meds with no food and I’m feeling it now. Had different things planned for today: haircut, hospital, Morning Mass, working out, and bill-paying. Not something extremely difficult, but necessary.

Star-Gazing At the Kodak

Had different plans for the night before and it didn’t pan out as I would like. Hoping to see the Oscars, no, I mean experience the Academy Awards. Planned on going to the Kodak Center on Highland and something and be one of the wanna-be paparazzi and take some photos. Never did it before, but thought it would be cool to do. Only thing close to ceremony with luminaries was my time with Shelly when we went to the Vegas Star Trek Hilton opening. Caught some pics with Jerry Ryan, Levar Burton, Jonathon Frakes, and few other actors in the various series.

It’s funny how we go star-gazing. These people who are like you and me, we just gawk with adoration. Their skills--their talents--is to mask and pretend. Their gift is to be characters in a story. Sure, this is make-believe, but stories are important. We like hero archetypes. We like to root against villains. The story is game of the struggle. The stories are of tragedy, loss, comedy, and love. The quest of the hero is to battle. To win to lose. To be reborn and be made better. To be something more. What I find is that people, like me, need to be inspired by these heroes, real and imagined.

Story of My Life

More and more, I am finding that we have this in all of us. We can be the hero to our own story. We need to be the hero in our story.

If you were watching a movie of your life, would it be an interesting story? Would you change the channel of your own life? Would it be a struggle? Would it be a tragedy? A comedy? Who would be your love interest? Who would be the primary characters in the movie that is you? Really, you are the producer of your own movie, your own film. You edit the story of your life.You decide what memories to keep and what to leave on the cutting floor.

And the Winner Is. . .

Working out last night watching part of the Oscars, I saw the parts of the awarding of the male lead presentation. Jeff Bridges, Morgan Freeman, George Clooney, Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker) were the nominees. It was a nice presentation. Couldn’t hear the words being said (No radio on Ipod). However, I could see the faces and pictures of the nominees. It was nice collage of the body of works of these performers. Susan Sarandon’s other, Tim Robbins spoke in behalf of Morgan Freeman. In the background was Shawshank Redemption. George Clooney had Vera Farmiga. Jeremy Renner had Collin Ferrel. Michelle Pfieffer spoke of Jeff Bridges (They worked on the Fabulous Baker Boys) I liked how these people spoke in behalf of the Oscar nominees. It reminded me of a lawyer's summation of a good trial movie.

Defend Your Life

Not in a negative way, it reminded me of eulogy. People that worked with these great actors spoke in their behalf. Much like the telling heartfelt stories of the life occasions shared at a funeral. A lady I know said she liked the idea of angels advocating your life. Before going to next level, if you believe in Heaven, one would have to defend one’s life. A movie would show snippets of one’s life advocating moving up or re-doing life. All the good. All the Bad. Everything’s everything and its effect. One would be held accountable for the actions and events that would be your life. 

Imagine your life, if it ended today and you had to be judged, how would it turn out? Would you be proud of the life you have lived? Would you proud what you produced? Are you proud of everything you have done?

I’ve had good moments. I’ve had bad. Overall, I'm not happy with everything. Not so far. I have events in my life that I would like to re-do. I can’t do that though. Can only admit mistakes, move on, and do better next time. One of my favorite quotes comes from author, martial artist, and Icon. Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.--Bruce Lee I am working on the admitting part. Courage: its growing.

In the story that is your life, what are you producing? What are you holding on to? What are you fighting for? Are you worth watching?

I think, Yes.

Best Producer Award Goes To. . .

Remember, in the movie of your life, danger and despair are part of a good story, a good story that matters. You may try to re-shoot parts, but the other actors may not be there to re-shoot. As producer in the editing room of your mind, you can cut out things not worth keeping. In the end, you make your own story. During the acceptance speech, its customary to give thanks. In the end, you need to give credit to actors and actress. You need to give credit to the costume producers, the set producers, the prop specialists, the lighting, the gaffers, the assistants, the assistant’s assistants, the everything. Not all are major characters, but their presence had an impact in your movie. Well, enough with that.

Dark times passes. Courage takes note the many chances of turning back, but it keeps on.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Watching Rain From the Bottom of the Pool

Raining outside. Nice though. Watching the raindrops hit the pool. I remember swimming when it was raining. Quite a sight. The glass ceiling would dance with drops of rain. It was like watching a meteor shower dance overhead. Yet, it wouldn't hurt. Watching the sky have stream of water hit all around you. Its quite a sight to see. May sound strange. I would love to do it more often, but. . .I don't know. Its cold. Pool is 38 degrees and the layer of body fat that would keep me warm is happily thin. I suppose I could have the hose and sprinkler set go while I was swimming, but it would not be the same. Not as random, too planned. Just letting the Big Smile do his thing. Watching the rain hit the pool is something to be in awe. I was more courageous when I was younger--or dumber--either way. I feared having thunder strike when I was in the pool. The fascination of just watching the glass ceiling over head just be bombarded with rain droplets was enough to brave the cold. I sit in the house, windows open. I sit watching the rain drops hit the pool. I imagine and remember the beauty and simplicity of something so wonderful.

I prayed yesterday. Actually, I pray more often. My niece and God daughter Kaprece performed well at her gymnastic competition. Seeing her complete her beam routine and watching her sigh with relief at its completion brought me joy. It was like watching rain from the bottom of the pool. Its was so simple yet my heart filled with so much joy. I get it when I watch Star Wars with Angelo. Sitting on the bed, he is holding his DS and watching Master Yoda do his thing. It is like watching Kaelynn dancing on stage.

I saw one of Em's artwork. It was a tree with a man. It looks like Jesus with trees coming out its body. A tree and its limbs are growing out of the long-haired man's body. He is wearing a watch or a wristband in his right hand. Can't see his face. His hair covers his face. In his hands, he is cradling a bonsai tree. Hunched over a tree is growing out of his body. I felt a joy for Emi is talented, quite artistic. It was not the same joy because I have not shared in that experience. It is world I am not a part of but I sorely need to be. I her pictures and smile, but it is happiness that is not fully experience. It is an artificial joy. An artificial-ness due to my own undoing. I hope someday, she will forgive me. I hope someday that I will be able to share those moments. So many moments I missed. It is like watching rain drops from the bottom of the pool. So beautiful. So amazing. So close. Not enough courage to bare the cold. i hope sometime soon before the clouds disappears that I will be able to brave the cold and just enjoy the beauty again. I pray that I will have one more chance to be with her. I hope someday she will forgive me.

There is so much beauty there if i would just jump in and bear the cold. Em, be well. I hope some time you will get the chance to see what its like to watch rain from the bottom of the pool. Its beautiful. Cold. Take the risk and jump in. Its worth the sight. I pray that I will build the courage to jump again. I know its worth it. Rain please don't go away. I missed so much I do not want to miss anymore.

USC Trojans--Do the Right Thing

Okay, I was starting this post before synchronicity hit. It was a good sidetrack. Prior Post was "To Dottie, Barnes and Noble. . ."

First Step of Recovery Is . . .Or Opportunity Knocking, Answer the Door
Mark McGuire, Sorry. Pete Carroll, Sad, but Glad.

That's the Gist. Hope Brevity Will Speak Volumes

Newspapers, Magazines, TV News Show, Talk Radio, ESPN Radio, Fox Sports news, MLB TV, other blogs, etcetera will undoubtedly fill in the rest.

Nutshell--Mark McGuire, Sorry. Pete Carroll, Sad, but Glad.