Marriage By ROSELYN NADONZA

Re-posted from Facebook.

WRITTEN BY MS ROSELYN NADONZA

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...
 
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly. 

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.

I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. 

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. 

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. 

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. 

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. 

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.





On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. 




She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 



On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. 

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. 

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do you have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

THANK YOU ROSELYN NADONZA

Kettle Whistles

Where to start? Lagging on the internet connection. Sitting in the Barnes. Two ladies sit across from me. Grey and purple hair. Other, purple top. Perusing Glamour. Other is vegetable souping it. Purple nails. Other has light blue and pink nails altering digits. Listening to Sting’s Sacred Love. Going for the rip. Its late and there’s much I’d like to do. 15 miles of cardio. Swim a bit. Its 8:40 pm. Haven’t ate yet and I know what if I can. Plan to do the morning walks with the inlaw ladies. Also want to head to morning mass. Need to LCH lab it tomorrow.

Last few days there’s been percolating. Working on some writing assignments. Working on Collaging. Work on the journey. It’s a trying time now. Got de-friended. My heart dropped. Got the “Suck.” My energy, part of my soul went empty. Realization that what I feared came to realization. Yes, I believe that this too shall pass yet my heart aches none the less. Pain. No not a throbbing pain. But a loss.

First time in Palm Sunday Mass. The word UNANSWERED kept coming to my. Feeling Abandoned. Guess, this how the Big Smile feels when we don’t answer the call. In my Facebook Bible Scriptures application, it said, “As Jesus has suffered, you shall also suffer.” It was Phillipians or Ephesians. . .”it had a PH something.

So what does it all mean. It means that I have to have Faith. If I am to be Faithful, Full of Faith. I must believe that a brighter day is around the corner. I know this in my mind. I feel that my heart knows this, but it still sucks. Bigger picture is going on and I am too small right now to see the Panorama. I am stuck on the teenie minutia of it all.

I have Faith. I do. Lots of it. Right now, it still has not encompassed. I feel the Suck. It’s the time before I open my eyes from the pleasant dream to beauty of a new day, a new dawn. I know its there. Just the crusties are thick this time. I believe that I am not given anything I cannot handle. I believe that at times I need to ask for Help. I know. Just the build up before the actual act is . . .percolating. 

Well, I leave at this. Percolating. The kettle will whistle. I promise. . .Have Faith.

Vasquez Rocks--What's Next?

A black lab and 50 year old showed me how scared I was yesterday. After I ran out of time at the Manhattan Beach Parking lot I decided to take a different route home and I found myself in Vasquez Rocks. If you never been, watch the latest movie of the Star Trek genre. Its Spock’s home world that gets destroyed. This 905 acres of national park is named after one California’s most notorious bandits. This land lies some thirty minutes north of Los Angeles and is easily one of the most recognizable scenery in the movie industry. This is part of the San Andreas Fault. If you seen the movies or TV shows Cars (Disney), AI, Saving Grace, CSI, they have been filmed here.

For some time, I have been saying I am going to go and this day I finally did. Drove into the first parking lot and said this where I needed to go. So I started off in the nature trail, then I realized that I forgot to chirp my car. Not realizing, there was another parking lot I noticed a car with a horse trailer drive past the first gate and said. Okay, I will follow him. So I got in my car and waited. An off-road motorcyclist decided to do his repair works behind my car and didn’t realize that I wanted to go back. Eventually he left and I entered the next parking lot.

I parked and headed through the juniper bush and Manzanita. There it was the rock that I have seen a million times off the 14 freeway. I’m here again. First time I was here. I found a cave with Shelly. Ah, another time. Anyways, I ventured through. Found Horse poop and lizards. Headed to the base of the rock, I saw a lady with a baby carriage and I thought, "How odd. Why is she bringing her child here? There was no way that she would be going up this hill.

From a distance, I could see people on top of the rocks and all I could think of is this rock climbers that go up El Capitan. Ever watch that movie, Cliff Hanger with Sly Stallone, those were the people that traversed the giant  rock. Then I took a closer look, there were kids on top of the hill. I said what the heck. How in the heck are those kids getting up there. I was dumbfounded. There climb was sheer climb, and 80 degree climb and it looked like went up forever.

Heard some music in the background and I thought there is something wrong with me. There is no stereo speakers around. Maybe this is an early sign of Alzheimer. All of sudden a Black lab, brushes against my leg and I jumped. A fifty year old looked up the giant rock and started to climb. She looked back and apologized for her dog scaring me. I said, “No Biggie.” Inside my heart was in arrest. There she was brown khakis and sun hat and she was scaling this mountain of a climb.  Quarter ways her and her dog were making their way.

Upset, I placed both my blackberry and camera and pocket and headed up. If this soon-to-be retiree and her dog can get up the hill, than I better go. Otherwise I will always be doubting my personhood. Midway up and out of breath, I found a little crevice and sat my ass down. More out of breath and amazed of the 50+year old’s gall, I turned around and looked at the view.

Bad idea. I have vertigo. Don’t remember when it started happening, but when ever look down I get dizzy and easily feel uneasy. Expecting something beautiful and feeling a cathartic experience, Instead I felt seasick. The world seemed to rock. I thought, "No it’s not an earthquake. I hope." There has only been an earthquake almost every day these last couple of weeks. On this day, Honshu, Japan had 6.6 and Indian 6.0 South Indian Ocean.  6.4 Kepulauan Obi, Indonesia Saturday. Three in Chile. (Recently subscribed to USGS earthquake alerts. Signed up since Tahiti and Columbia quake)

Took some pics. Took a swig of Dasani and said, "Better turn around and head up again." Didn’t want sit too long knowing fright might overtake me. Thoughts of calling 911 for a rescue did come to my head. Learned awhile back, rock climbers would call emergency for a rescue if climbers get stuck.  For some reason, the music I heard earlier was getting louder. Started thinking do all climbers hear music when the get closer to the summit. 

Well, I no longer saw the black lab and the soon to be retiree. I did see 2 grade schoolers looking down at me. What the Fuck! My hearts racing at 140 bpm and I’m getting out of breath and these two little shits are smiling and waving at me. I do my cardio five times a week. These kids did not pass me up this mountain. What the. . . !!! This fired me up. Got up the hill and found steady ground and looked at the view again. Still a bad idea with vertigo me. I sat down pretending to stabilize myself for a picture.

I looked on the other side and saw Horses and a crowd of people. Okay, there is another parking lot. Should have followed the other cars. I look down and saw group of five huddled around what I assume was the director. All wore jeans and various t-shirts. One stood out. He was holding a broad sword wore  in a Roman guard outfit. A man stands up and he raises his arms like O Cristo Redentor in Rio De Jinero. Suddenly, in slow motion he falls back. I thought he slipped and I reached for my pocket to call 911.

Guess, this was dress rehearsal, because the group of five (Now 4) caught the falling man. I then noticed Saw Film lights and heard a generator.  Music came on and I realized this was film about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Guess, its a sign to head to Sunday Mass at 5:30 om.

Suddenly, I heard “Anya Ah Say O.” I looked up and saw a pack of Korean ladies dressed in green shorts and tourist sun-visors, bounding up the hill. Guess, its my thing to take the road less traveled. I realized the side of the hill I climbed up was the hard way. I answered “Kum Saw Me Da.” (Its thank you I think in Korean) She nodded and bounded past. Bitches. Never felt so old and scared. Suddenly, another grade schooler was climbing down the mountain above me. "Fuck," I think to myself. The grade schooler shouts, "I got ninja skills!!!"I agree. He's climbing down the hill like Spider-man. I look up. It’s the lady with the baby stroller.

Long story short, never realized how scared.  I looked up this hill. I thought, "Where did my courage go?" During my junior high years, I showed more moxie. During my first day of school, when I walked home by myself, I showed more courage. (My parents sent after the police. They thought I might have gotten kidnapped. They didn’t know I was already at home. I walked 3 miles and got inside my home by climbing through the bathroom window. I had to pee and I had no key. Mind over bowels every time)

Looking back, I doubt that I would have gone up that rock. Weren’t for the black lab and the fifty year, I would have turned back and marked this visit off my to do list. It made me realize that I have been scared for some time. Climbing hills, false bravado, and my vertigo scared me. What other things have I been afraid to do? Just realized these Doubt Gremlins had a spell over me.   Hopefully, this Truth has freed me under this cloak of Doubt. 

One must remember that we need to overcome our own personal mountains if others are to follow. Its true, we do stand on the shoulders of giants. We must have personal courage and climb these jagged mountains if we are to move up and move on. In time, these mountains will become molehills and we look back and say, “Yeah, I did that. What’s next?”

Yeah, I Am Not So Smart At Times

Scary Stuff

Learning more and more people are reading my blog. It’s a bit scary. Not that I did not think it would happen. Not that I didn’t want people to read my blog. It is just that it is becoming more and more real. All I see is three followers. However, I get emails here and there. Some I know. Some, I don’t.  More and more people are learning about my life, my thoughts, my every thing. It is scary.  It’s scary to be so exposed. It’s scary learning people-you-know know stuff about you, you did not directly tell them. You learned the stuff they know are because the blogs you posted.  Basically, I am a private person. I don’t mind being alone here and there. I don’t get lonely much. I’m okay with my own company. 

Masks We Wear

It is just that I am learning to be more accepting of the person who I am. Getting to be that “authentic” self as my new group would say. Everyone wears mask. Each one has roles to play. One is worker. One is a son. One is a brother. An uncle.  A mother. A daughter. A sister.  An aunt.  I wear a comfortable mask.

It's Chicken Sh#t Not. . .

This reading group I have newly joined is on a journey of discovery of the “artistic” self. They have been welcoming and warm. Understanding and guiding.  I am just an emotional novice, an artistic cub.  Though my time has been short, I feel lucky. Their journey is through a book called the Vein of Gold. This group is creating a safe place to find oneself authentic/ genuine self. Funny thing, I believe I am authentic. I think it’s chicken sh*t, when one isn’t giving it their all.

In my writing, I’m trying to let this self—this authentic self--come out. I am trying to be without filters. What I say here is what I say in the world. Just be who I am. Putting my thoughts and experiences out there is scary. People that don’t know you have feelings and thoughts about you. People-that-know-you know more about you that you thought they knew is scary. Confusing? Sorry. Its still scary.

Call, Fold, Or Raise--I Got Some Gamble

Having others know something about you by the blogs that you post is a bit disconcerting. Well, I guess I will let the universe decide the benefit or detriment of this way. If I wanted to hide in my cave for awhile, I guess I would stop blogging. I am not that smart. I suppose that I have stuff to say. I will play with the cards that I am dealt. Call, Fold, or Raise. I’ll Give it some action and I want to see the flop. Win Big or Go Home. Knew this might happen. Knowing something may happen and learning that it has happened is certainly different.

Hopefully, It Will Take

Last few weeks, I learned a some people knew my recent religious experiences, inklings, and feelings. I never told them. They were people close. They knew of my unspoken hopes to make things right with my past. They knew of my posting. These are very personal. Its private. Yes, it is hypocritical that I write about it. Yeah, I am not so smart at times. Guess, I knew this might happen. Just didn’t think my fear was this big. Lucky for me I jumped before thinking about it too much. Probably would have my Doubt gremlins get the better of me.  Being open, so open, is not something I am very comfortable with. Yet, guess by being so exposed that I am learning to have a bit thicker skin. I am learning to have my voice be heard. Learning to live with a more open heart. I’m learning to be courageous. I’m learning to act heroic. Hopefully, it will take.

Thunder and Lightning Strikes Fear

Feels like the lesson of lightning from the movies Mongol.  All Mongols had a deep rooted fear of lightning. All, except, Termujin. As a child, Termujin was punished for being the son of the poisoned khan. As punishment, he was banished to the mountains, exposed to the booming thunder and lightning strikes. This was a most extreme punishment for any Mongol, yet severe for a young boy. Having no place to run. No place to hide. Termujin had to face the thunder and lightning as a child. Later, this experience would strengthen his resolve to become who he was meant to be. Having nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, young Termujin had to stand there and face his fears. Later, this resolve would strengthen his people. They fought an army of warriors larger, stronger, and better than they. Yet, when the storms came, the lightning struck, the thunders shook, Termujin's army pushed forward, while his enemies cowered. He became his people’s unifier. Termjuin become his people’s Great Khan. He would become the historical figure Genghis Khan. Mongol movie

I’m not saying I want to become good old Genghis. It is just being so open, so exposed. I have nowhere to hide. I must live with thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my inactions, my everything.

With all this out there, people can learn so much me. Some things I am proud. Some, not so much. People can learn just about everything I have said and done. With this fact, it is very scary. Yet, with all this social networking, easy access, and immediacy of one’s action, I have learned that no one is really an island. We are all connected. We are all open. Everyone knows something about us. If they don’t, they can easily find out.  Google yourself. It’s unnerving. 

Videotape, Front Page, Internet--Your Business Is Out There

Yet, it’s all very liberating. It’s a call for people to be accountable and ideally to be more accountable to each other.  One ethics class question I was asked comes to mind. If what you did were broadcasted on CNN, would you do it? If your thoughts were on put on the front of the Valley Press or LA Times, would you be ashamed of it? Well, I think now is the age of reality TV, social-networking, and voyeuristic society, I don’t think one can really avoid it. Tiger Wood's Personal Business

Carrion Do The Same Thing

Knowing all this, one does what he does, thinks what one thinks, and lives as one does. No shame. No apologies. No nothing. Just a person is what one is? Guess, this why abhor shows like TMZ. Piranha paparazzi living on the gaffes and misfortunes of others. Their purpose is to make their bones humiliating, degrading, stalking, ridiculing, and harming the celebratti.  Not really creating stuff, it’s just a place where people tear down and hurt people knowingly. Maybe they are bringing things to light. Maybe they provide some purpose. Carrion do the same thing. Guess, I just don’t like the tearing down much.  If one were to video tape and scrutinize everything you said and didn’t say—did and did not do—think and did not think—I would be gun shy from the glitterati and paparazzi.

Well, my time is up. My writing is much. Go out. Live life authentic.  Live fearlessly. Conquer your gremlins. Live Right. Do Right. Act Right. In time, It will Take. As my mentor might say, “Fake It ‘til You Make It.”

Everything Counts

Tuesday morning. Where do I start? I sit in It's A Grind. Had a morning everything bagel, buttered. No hot cocoa this morning. No service on my Blackberry. No internet service. Thank goodness for Wi-Fi. Not sure where this thread will lead me, but I'm sure something will emerge. The call to Jung's Collective Unconscious. Things are at critical mass now.

Chris leaves by the end of the week. He's at the Radisson for med check.  Sony is cocooning hard core. Not going out much I suspect. John and Ryan are Rolling around. Anesha and Jon are at restaurants all the time. Mitch is having issues. He's feeling out on the lurch. Antoinette and Myk I am not sure. None of them went Chris's going away. Kind of sucks. No it sucks.

Other things were more important. Its the convergence and divergence.  Families and friends spread out and go their way. They leave what's familiar for go to explore other things. They find out who they are. At times people forget who they were in order to become who they need to be. Sometimes people choose to follow different paths.

Don't suspect I will see Chris for sometime. He's re-enlisting. He proposed to Jewel at the going away. In the middle of truth or dare. Good for him. Think that was the reason I felt the need to go. I may not see him in like forever. May never ever. Just wanted to hold on a little longer. This may be the last chance. Off to go find his destiny.

Guess, at parties, its indicator how and much think of you. If they show up or call, if they do nothing, or they forget, if they throw birthday celebration, it is how much you are cared for. Had my birthday recently, I won't say much about that. It is reflection on how you have or have not impacted people's lives. They say when one is the hospital, the one that shows up first is the one that loves you the most. I'm in the hospital. I see it all the time.

I fear my past has  or is catching up. Divergence is happening within my families. Each one going their own way. Palmdale. Victorville. Culver City. Camarillo. West Covina. Glendale. Burbank. Family tress is branching out. Becoming their own thread.

In a generation in half, we will be forgotten. When our children pass. When our children's childrens pass, we will be forgotten. Not ever to be remembered. Got this line from the movie Troy with Brad Pitt. In this age, the heroes of yesteryear are forgotten. Only images and moments etched in memory do they live on. We must take a bite of that apple, so that it will be part of us. It will always be part of us, no matter how short it is. (Phenomenon movie)

Go to that party which may be an hour and half drive. Go to that one of many dance recitals. Gymnastic competition. Watch that them grow and go. The ties that bind is more than the blood coursing the veins. Its the moments of pain and love. Its the moments of hellos and goodbyes. its those celebration of everyday. Our time is finite. Our love needs to be cherished. Our love needs to be nourished by that hug, that word of encouragement, that time together. Before next times become never anymore, go.

Moments happen every second. Moments gone. Moments lost. Moments happen everywhere. There is never nothing happening. Moments are everywhere. Just need to watch. Need to listen. Need to feel.

Well, this moment is over. Got to start a new thread.

Watching Rain From the Bottom of the Pool

Raining outside. Nice though. Watching the raindrops hit the pool. I remember swimming when it was raining. Quite a sight. The glass ceiling would dance with drops of rain. It was like watching a meteor shower dance overhead. Yet, it wouldn't hurt. Watching the sky have stream of water hit all around you. Its quite a sight to see. May sound strange. I would love to do it more often, but. . .I don't know. Its cold. Pool is 38 degrees and the layer of body fat that would keep me warm is happily thin. I suppose I could have the hose and sprinkler set go while I was swimming, but it would not be the same. Not as random, too planned. Just letting the Big Smile do his thing. Watching the rain hit the pool is something to be in awe. I was more courageous when I was younger--or dumber--either way. I feared having thunder strike when I was in the pool. The fascination of just watching the glass ceiling over head just be bombarded with rain droplets was enough to brave the cold. I sit in the house, windows open. I sit watching the rain drops hit the pool. I imagine and remember the beauty and simplicity of something so wonderful.

I prayed yesterday. Actually, I pray more often. My niece and God daughter Kaprece performed well at her gymnastic competition. Seeing her complete her beam routine and watching her sigh with relief at its completion brought me joy. It was like watching rain from the bottom of the pool. Its was so simple yet my heart filled with so much joy. I get it when I watch Star Wars with Angelo. Sitting on the bed, he is holding his DS and watching Master Yoda do his thing. It is like watching Kaelynn dancing on stage.

I saw one of Em's artwork. It was a tree with a man. It looks like Jesus with trees coming out its body. A tree and its limbs are growing out of the long-haired man's body. He is wearing a watch or a wristband in his right hand. Can't see his face. His hair covers his face. In his hands, he is cradling a bonsai tree. Hunched over a tree is growing out of his body. I felt a joy for Emi is talented, quite artistic. It was not the same joy because I have not shared in that experience. It is world I am not a part of but I sorely need to be. I her pictures and smile, but it is happiness that is not fully experience. It is an artificial joy. An artificial-ness due to my own undoing. I hope someday, she will forgive me. I hope someday that I will be able to share those moments. So many moments I missed. It is like watching rain drops from the bottom of the pool. So beautiful. So amazing. So close. Not enough courage to bare the cold. i hope sometime soon before the clouds disappears that I will be able to brave the cold and just enjoy the beauty again. I pray that I will have one more chance to be with her. I hope someday she will forgive me.

There is so much beauty there if i would just jump in and bear the cold. Em, be well. I hope some time you will get the chance to see what its like to watch rain from the bottom of the pool. Its beautiful. Cold. Take the risk and jump in. Its worth the sight. I pray that I will build the courage to jump again. I know its worth it. Rain please don't go away. I missed so much I do not want to miss anymore.

Gary Cooper—It’s a Wonderful Life. Nicholas Cage--Family Man. Jim Carrey--Scrooge

A life with different life choices
How would your life be different if you made different choices? Have you ever wondered what your lot in life would be if you made different choices? Would you be better or worse? What if you kissed that girl? What if you stood up to the bully in your younger years? What if you asked her to be your one and only? So many choices, made and not made. Do you ever wonder?

Could’ves, should’ves , would’ves --All a life of roads not traveled.
I used to. I wondered about the choices I made. I wondered how circumstances would be different. Now, not so much. The life I have chosen is the person who I am. Good or bad. Could have been a loving father. Should have been a loving parent. Could have stayed in Boston. Could have stayed in Palmdale and waited for my soul mate to graduate. Could have studied more. Could have gone to that party. Could have proposed.

Definitely, some things I regret. Some things I am relieved that I did. Some, I thank God I did not do. Since my CHF diagnosis, I have stopped worrying about these “what ifs?” I no longer replay the mis-steps. I no longer linger in the past. There’s no more malice in my heart. No more hurt to carry. I just Forgive and Flow. I believe God has given me and will give me whatever I want and need. I wanted a break from the job that I dreaded. I wanted to exercise more. I wanted to eat healthier. I wanted to spend more time with my family getting them to know them better. I wanted to love more and be loved. So what if it is the cost of some ejection fraction? Pills for hypertension, diabetes, etcetera—No Problem. I am okay. The price that I have paid to get the things I needed. That was fair value.

Chicken Parmesan, Thank You Tracy Esposito
Reminds me a play I once saw, Chicken Parmesan by Tracy Esposito. A nice person. Comedian from New Jersey I signed at LA Fitness Van Nuys. She invited to go see her one person play. It was a small black box theater in NoHo (North Hollywood). She played all the roles. It was her story about her mother struggle with cancer and the life changes she and her family made in this trying time. Going through my bouts of depression, tantrums, denials, bargaining—I grew. My struggles with my ailments eased by a postcard I found of Chicken Parmesan. Remembering her story brought me that “Ah-ha” moment. I accepted. I understood. I found peace. I saw the play four years earlier, four gyms ago. Cleaning up my closet and poof—Chicken Parmesan invite. I found peace. Who knew?

God, of course.

Animal Olympics, I remember your lesson.
I asked and he gave me what I needed. I have peace in my soul. I no longer carry hate or anger in my heart in my life change. I just Flow. Instead of drowning under the tidal wave, I just brought a surfboard. To all, enjoy the ride.