Kettle Whistles

Where to start? Lagging on the internet connection. Sitting in the Barnes. Two ladies sit across from me. Grey and purple hair. Other, purple top. Perusing Glamour. Other is vegetable souping it. Purple nails. Other has light blue and pink nails altering digits. Listening to Sting’s Sacred Love. Going for the rip. Its late and there’s much I’d like to do. 15 miles of cardio. Swim a bit. Its 8:40 pm. Haven’t ate yet and I know what if I can. Plan to do the morning walks with the inlaw ladies. Also want to head to morning mass. Need to LCH lab it tomorrow.

Last few days there’s been percolating. Working on some writing assignments. Working on Collaging. Work on the journey. It’s a trying time now. Got de-friended. My heart dropped. Got the “Suck.” My energy, part of my soul went empty. Realization that what I feared came to realization. Yes, I believe that this too shall pass yet my heart aches none the less. Pain. No not a throbbing pain. But a loss.

First time in Palm Sunday Mass. The word UNANSWERED kept coming to my. Feeling Abandoned. Guess, this how the Big Smile feels when we don’t answer the call. In my Facebook Bible Scriptures application, it said, “As Jesus has suffered, you shall also suffer.” It was Phillipians or Ephesians. . .”it had a PH something.

So what does it all mean. It means that I have to have Faith. If I am to be Faithful, Full of Faith. I must believe that a brighter day is around the corner. I know this in my mind. I feel that my heart knows this, but it still sucks. Bigger picture is going on and I am too small right now to see the Panorama. I am stuck on the teenie minutia of it all.

I have Faith. I do. Lots of it. Right now, it still has not encompassed. I feel the Suck. It’s the time before I open my eyes from the pleasant dream to beauty of a new day, a new dawn. I know its there. Just the crusties are thick this time. I believe that I am not given anything I cannot handle. I believe that at times I need to ask for Help. I know. Just the build up before the actual act is . . .percolating. 

Well, I leave at this. Percolating. The kettle will whistle. I promise. . .Have Faith.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--Jed, Bartlet, West Wing

What I hope I will be in 30 minutes


Veins of Gold. Ray of Gold. "I am still learning--Michaelangelo."

These are the little snippets I have gotten from this new book I am beginning to read. Forty more pages and I should be caught up.

By coincidence, I met up with a reading group all femmes with artistic aspirations. Having lunch at Panera's and I couldn't help but listen to these women having "Discourse." Initially, I thought it was healing group. Kind of afraid to inquire because I got this feeling there was some anger issues. Male-bashing trauma. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club. No, not the UFC stuff. It was the weekly meetings, Ed Norton's character was attending to battle is insomnia. Testicular Cancer, Sickle-Cell Anemia, etc.

I felt like a Tourist. I had no intention of involving myself. I had no desire too, either. I was simply drawn at the battle of two personalities. I've seen it before, In group development. In all group development four stages must happen: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. This was undoubtedly the storming/ forming stage. As an outside viewer, a tourist, I could not help but listen. I tried not to, I swear. Yet, I was drawn.

The group's discourse reminded me of the movies when people kiss. I always avert my eyes during the scenes of intimacy. A passionate, innocent kiss--I always avert my eyes. Its so intrusive. Its so intimate. Its so personal. Guess, during my Peer Counseling days, privacy was and still is of utmost importance. If I went, I would assume it would be like a confession. Baring one's soul to the world. I mean, being adept in sales, it has been my natural instinct to be able to cut through the Bull. Get Cliff Notes in snippets. Watching someones shoes, their gait, their outfit. Listening to the inflection. Watching the congruences, their tells, when they spoke. I was able to size up a situation and circumstance in an instant.

All of us do it all the time. Guess, I had good teachers to be listening with my eyes more often.

One of the ladies passed by on her way to the washroom, I asked innocently what the group was. I was right. It was a reading book group with a theme of self-help artist within-stuff. Well, I was invited to join and I accepted. One lady was a published author and I thought. Why not? If I have any aspirations of writing a book, well, okay. Jump.

One said I was a catalyst. Had to look that up to make sure that was a good thing. Its just I like to get things done. I don't want to be the alpha in this group. I am just going to flow. We naturally step into roles we feel most comfortable in. Mine has been toward leadership. Lately, I have been consciously not falling into this role. Don't get me wrong, but I think I am enjoying playing the devil's advocate. The road less traveled. I enjoy being the other voice. Yet, I will take a backseat approach and enjoy the ride

When the time calls, I'll be whatever needs to be done to reach where this journey needs us to go. For a long time, my question has been "If you were a fly on the wall, what wall would that be?" For me, it was answered in the movie Thirteen Days. During time of crisis, I felt that I would play a role. What role? Honestly, don't know. Thought I would be the decision maker. Thought I would the special assistant. Thought I would be the voice to call for war. Played this scenario so many times, . . .It was like playing chess. E4, E5, Kn F3. . .

Maybe these events will be a warm-up for something more. Posse is forming. Foreshadowing. Well, time is short. Must go on my mini-escape.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--West Wing

Every Hands a Winner, Every Hands A Loser. . .

Hootie And Blowfish—Been listening to them quite a bit. Don’t know where this emotional stirring comes from. It’s there though. “Let her cry. Let her go. And if the sun comes down tomorrow let her be”

I discovered why I like Eli Stone. Don’t mean to be cryptic. Guess, you will have to watch it. Lots percolating. Lots under the surface just boiling. Nothing boiling over yet, just the calm before the storm. Today’s little mini-storm seems to foreshadowing of events to come.

Burning a CD, Dalai Lama. The Universe in a Single Atom. What came up was “Advice to Dying. . .” Trouble is I did burn a CD on Dying, but it’s not in my windows media library. Another sign, last week informed that they needed me to help out in the morgue for pathology. Initially, no big deal. I had Langjahr for physiology. Castrated rats without beating an eye. Worked on human cadavers, too. Almost died in a car accident, last weekend. Storm just hit Southern California. Decided to go Pasadena for Anne Rice's book signing at Vroomans. It was raining Saturday in Pasadena. No, pouring. I was exiting a parking lot. Didn’t realize that the road I was driving was one way. All of sudden, A giant SUV came out of nowhere. It filled my world. Angels, I guess. Blew it off like no big deal. Person was angry, honking his horn for a bit. I didn’t blame them.  I let it pass. My heart is racing now thinking about it The four crosses on the road a few days back. Pretty sure it was my neighbor’s son.

 

I don’t want to misinterpret messages. I also don’t want to ignore them. Is someone saying something to me? Am I going to die? I have a heart condition and yesterday, the day just passed. Went to sleep for a quick nap at 5pm and did not get out of bed until 6 am. When burning the CD and seeing that as it is about to get ripped, I don’t know. Now finding its not even in my music library. So if you don’t hear from me,  . . .well, it was a good run.  It was honor knowing everyone. I mean is this a sign of early mental problems. Discovered recently, someone in the family is locked up in a  bedroom for schizophrenia. Whatever it is. . .Just let it Flow.

This can go a lot of different ways. I die. Someone close to me can be meeting his or her maker. Can’t dismiss the fact. It felt like someone was stepping on my grave when I saw the Windows Media Player. Am I supposed to get ready for my end? Am I supposed to be there when someone passes and be a shoulder to cry on? Am I supposed to write this book that I have been thinking about writing for awhile? Brainstormed a couple weekends back.

I mean if there is calling, I just had ears cleaned yesterday by Doctor Campano. I went to speak with a priest yesterday too. I took a long nap. If I am supposed to listen to these flashes of clarity, should I also listen to the windows media player saying “advice on dying. . .” Am I trying to rationalize something that I may or may not have control of? Is this one of the gremlins that took years from the one that I love? Well, I think I will take my mother’s approach to dying. Be cordial host and--if the times calls I will be death’s defyer. Read on this person monster truck which was parked outside. “Death smiles on all. Marines Smile back.” If I had to go, I would like to take Kenny Roger’s Gambler song, “Every Hands a  winner, every hands a loser,  and the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep.” (View out of Campano's window. AV Hospital in back)

This is one of the trials all must face one time. Death wins. . .but maybe its not so bad. Dalai Lama was talking about consciousness and it’s the product of the mind. Moreover, it stated nothing really dies, just changes forms--Physics. Avatar movie said we are all borrowing energy. It must be repaid at sometime. 

What does it all mean? If the sun comes down tomorrow. . .I hope to die in my sleep.

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying

Story to Come. Some significance I don’t know.

Riding home from Vegas in Aunty Tally’s car. She drives erratically. Hits on her brakes hard, giving me whiplash every three minutes. She swerves left. Swerves right. I am getting a concussions. I feel my left parietal lobe swing to the right then to the left. Getting quite concussed at the moment. Maybe it’s the wind swimming her left and right and she trying to compensate. Nope, she is not a very smooth driver. Herky, jerky. Lucky I ate, otherwise, I wouldn’t have anything to vomit later on.


On the left of the screen is Mongols. It’s the story of Ghengis Khan.

She speeds up and slows down. Gots to get the stomach churning. At least it will a consistent projectile vomiting.

Outside are the mountains to my right and mountains to my left. We pass another big rig. We’re going under some electrical lines. They dot the whole landscape..Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Come on. STOP WITH THE BREAKS

We are coming to the border. We just left the border. We’ll it’s time to go. I will write later.