Scribbles before Fight

This will be a short post. Once my laptop reaches a 100% charge, I am Audi.

Sitting at the bridge between the two towers here at the Central Library earlier in the day.  Been wanting to come here for ages, finally did after going to Saturday mass. Needed to get some G Time. Haven’t done that for awhile. Think I will be coming more regular, may 2 or 3 times for morning mass. I think my soul can handle it. Actually, I backed off for a bit. Needed to get some space and time. Did my reading, and I gots me some understanding.

My mind wanders when sitting in church. A week back in Sunday Mass, and they had the statue of the Fatima. Mom came with me. When she saw the Fatima, she immediately got up and touched the statue’s feet.  She never did that before. The Fatima was on a visit from somewhere. I was a bit surprised. I lacked understanding.

Been researching the Fatima. Some stuff what I gathered.  This got me revved up again. Started visiting various other holy places from different religious practices. Wanted to go to the source for this Higher Power. Stopped by the LA synagogue. Went to a Buddhist temple. Spoke with an Iman. Stopped by the St Andrews Abbey. Also, visited San Fernando Mission again.

This Saturday mass, I started thinking of Manny Pacquiao Fight and Chess.  Used to play chess, a lot. The Bishop, the knight, the queen, king and so on. Why do people choose the roles they take? What possess one to do what they do? Is it evolution? Is it behavioral? Is it some unresolved stuff from a previous life? What is it?

Take for instance the Dalai Lama. He’s been reportedly  reincarnated a fourteen times. His presence has inspired many movies, Seven Years in Tibet, Kundun and so on. He’s a rock star. Supposedly, in some schools of Hinduism it says that we have 8 stages of life in Hinduism. 2 stages belong to the life before. 4 stages are your own. Last two stages are set ups for the life coming. Karmic law and Dharma and the rest.

General Patton believed in reincarnation, too. He felt he fought in the Italy before as a Roman. I mean, he was a hero to the People.  Like George Washington and Bruce Lee. Like Manny Pacquiao. What makes a person a hero?

Tonight, for example, Manny Pacquiao will be fighting Margarito tonight in Dallas, Texas. A classic hero, coming from the barrios of the Philippines, and makes good. Margarito, a fallen fighter, who is looking for redemption. Maybe, it is how 24/7 HBO depicts these characters. But all this is Joseph Conrad myth-making stuff.

Freddie Roach, Manny’s trainer, said this may well be Manny’s last fight. Win or lose. WIN, OF COURSE. But certain people have been gifted. A Midas Touch about it them. From Poverty to Power in a short lifetime. What makes a person overcome Herculean Labors? What brings them to the top of the Mountain? This is so Rocky-ish. Is it some divine intervention? Is it pure will? Is it Darwinian’s “Most Fit” at play?  Our history is filled with these rags to riches. Secreteriat, Abraham Lincoln, Jackie Robinson, and so on. Overcoming obstacles are what heroes do. What separates the good from the great? What is the Gravitas? We all know it when we see it.

Back to church, I was thinking. A pawn is supposedly the weakest piece on the board. Can be taken out by a slew of other pieces. Rook, Bishops, Knights and Queens. However, once the pawn reaches its eight rank, then it can be transformed to a stronger piece. Sure many fall the waist side. They are cannon fodder.  Eight opportunities to reach the 8^th rank, then possibilities are endless.

Think about it. Some say being King is good. It is the piece that matters. Games ends and finishes with the King. It can go any which way. Up, down, left, right, diagonal. However, it is not afforded the range of maneuverability as his Queen. Plus, everyone and their mother are coming after you.  That is the whole basis of the game, Capture the King.

Being a queen is no picnic, either. Sure, it has the power of the Rook and bishop combined. But there is only one of her, compared the others. Plus, Queen is also on many people’s wish list. Furthermore, these lowly pawns at the end of the game, all want to be like her eventually. It’s a reverse sword party. No, perhaps, it more a it’s a Lilith Fair. By game’s end. I mean why would anyone want to be king. The queen has the most power on the board.

Still, I digress. Whether you are a King,  queen, Bishop, Knight . We all have some role we play in life. We are Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Brother Sister, and so on. Actually, we die and are reborn. We go through rites of passage where we put childlike things away to become something more. To take our place in the community again. We become many things by necessity. It is built in. Hardwired in the DNA. Conditioned by Society with an ever changing system of reward and punishment.

We pursue many things. Evolving and devolving in order grasp these trinkets and ideals from the nethersphere.  Each role brings benefits and drawbacks. Like salmon, there is a drive, an instinct, a wish to reach the top of the mountain. Going upstream, battling each other, battling predators to survive. All in order to seed the next generation with our hopes, dreams, and DNA.

Things is. This is all okay. It has purpose. May not be the things one likes. We may delude ourselves with beliefs of grandiosity. Some things are true whether we believe it or not. Still, it is what we got. All this is the life stuff. This is the fun part. We fall in love. We fall out of it. We have our hearts filled with Joy and Love. We get our Hearts broken with no foreseeable reason.  We recover, then discover, “Let’s Do It Again.” We fight. We win. We fight. We lose. We do what we do because this is the thing we call, “Life.”  We need to be inspired. This is the Hero’s role. We need to be filled with something greater. We search for this “Feel Good.” We seek to be re-energized. To transform. To be Queened. 

Okay. Time is up. Sorry, this was longer than anticipated. Got in the Flow. My laptop is charged and it is time to watch another hero battle.  In life, we are all pawns. We are also Kings and Queens, too. And everything In Between. Okay, “Let’s Get ready to RRRUUUMMMMBBBLLLEEE!!! “ Go Manny Pacquiao.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--Jed, Bartlet, West Wing

What I hope I will be in 30 minutes


Veins of Gold. Ray of Gold. "I am still learning--Michaelangelo."

These are the little snippets I have gotten from this new book I am beginning to read. Forty more pages and I should be caught up.

By coincidence, I met up with a reading group all femmes with artistic aspirations. Having lunch at Panera's and I couldn't help but listen to these women having "Discourse." Initially, I thought it was healing group. Kind of afraid to inquire because I got this feeling there was some anger issues. Male-bashing trauma. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club. No, not the UFC stuff. It was the weekly meetings, Ed Norton's character was attending to battle is insomnia. Testicular Cancer, Sickle-Cell Anemia, etc.

I felt like a Tourist. I had no intention of involving myself. I had no desire too, either. I was simply drawn at the battle of two personalities. I've seen it before, In group development. In all group development four stages must happen: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. This was undoubtedly the storming/ forming stage. As an outside viewer, a tourist, I could not help but listen. I tried not to, I swear. Yet, I was drawn.

The group's discourse reminded me of the movies when people kiss. I always avert my eyes during the scenes of intimacy. A passionate, innocent kiss--I always avert my eyes. Its so intrusive. Its so intimate. Its so personal. Guess, during my Peer Counseling days, privacy was and still is of utmost importance. If I went, I would assume it would be like a confession. Baring one's soul to the world. I mean, being adept in sales, it has been my natural instinct to be able to cut through the Bull. Get Cliff Notes in snippets. Watching someones shoes, their gait, their outfit. Listening to the inflection. Watching the congruences, their tells, when they spoke. I was able to size up a situation and circumstance in an instant.

All of us do it all the time. Guess, I had good teachers to be listening with my eyes more often.

One of the ladies passed by on her way to the washroom, I asked innocently what the group was. I was right. It was a reading book group with a theme of self-help artist within-stuff. Well, I was invited to join and I accepted. One lady was a published author and I thought. Why not? If I have any aspirations of writing a book, well, okay. Jump.

One said I was a catalyst. Had to look that up to make sure that was a good thing. Its just I like to get things done. I don't want to be the alpha in this group. I am just going to flow. We naturally step into roles we feel most comfortable in. Mine has been toward leadership. Lately, I have been consciously not falling into this role. Don't get me wrong, but I think I am enjoying playing the devil's advocate. The road less traveled. I enjoy being the other voice. Yet, I will take a backseat approach and enjoy the ride

When the time calls, I'll be whatever needs to be done to reach where this journey needs us to go. For a long time, my question has been "If you were a fly on the wall, what wall would that be?" For me, it was answered in the movie Thirteen Days. During time of crisis, I felt that I would play a role. What role? Honestly, don't know. Thought I would be the decision maker. Thought I would the special assistant. Thought I would be the voice to call for war. Played this scenario so many times, . . .It was like playing chess. E4, E5, Kn F3. . .

Maybe these events will be a warm-up for something more. Posse is forming. Foreshadowing. Well, time is short. Must go on my mini-escape.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--West Wing

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying

Rites of Passage: Late Night Denny's

Late night Dennys. Its a rite of passage from high school to adulthood. After a night of debauchery, Moons over My Hammy or the Classic Burger are just must-haves. When body is intoxicated with alcohol or the rush of dancing all night, there is biological need to wind down and replay the events of a few hours.

Carlsbad Dennys is where I sit this 2:28 in the morning. Cousin Jason is sleeping in the car right now. He's wearing my sleep mask and bundled up in thin mini-blankets. I feel a little bad. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to Carlsbad for a short trip. He's going to run the 1/2 marathon. He's crazy.

Earlier we were at sushi bar watching waitresses stripper-pole and belly dancing. This was my debauchery for the night. Hanging out, snacking on Philadelphia rolls, and catching up with the female situation with cousin. This ritual of going out to a nice restaurant, then to a club, then to back to Dennys--Its an American Tradition.

The lady in front of me seems tired. She has her head leaning the window. She has the Bobble-Head disease. Symptoms: Eyes heavy, an occasional snore erupts, head falls forward and back. Bobble-head disease is a struggle. This battle against fatigue is a losing one. Too much to drink and not enough sleep, I guess.

I look to my left. A group of four talks about the events of the night. I hear ". . .schnapps, rum and coke, and grabbing my . . . " Laughter burst erupts from the table. Ah!!! the smell of Kaluha, Sex on the beach, and vomit. Yummy.

A scantily dressed lady saunters in. Ahhh, Tight skirt, black high heeled boots, and purple hair. You see all types, at midnight Denny's. Wait, that person has an extremely large adam's apple. Her adams apple seems extremely large. Her hands, too. I was wrong, not a lady. I have seen worse. I have seen better, too.

Table to the right. Hip hop dressed crowd. Two guys on the left, a bunch of Wiggas. Wanna-be, wait, that is not fair. I don't if they are compensating for the lack of African-American-ness or they just dress like because they lost a bet.

You may ask what does this have to do with Heroism. I don't know either. No, the Valkyries would bring the fallen heroes to the great hall. In the great hall, they would drink, debauch, and the die in the noble cause. To do it again, the next night, and next . . . until Ragnarok. It is a reminder that we are all human and we need a night out to just remember we are human. People need to play.

Well, a night of blogging looks complete. I need to wake in a couple of hours to volunteer at the marathon. Its just another midnight at Denny's.