Not Seeking. It Will Be Revealed

Where do I begin? Feeling troubled of late. Not sure if its me or if it is others. 

“Yesterday opened your eyes in many ways, the biggest of which was the fact that your current relationships need some tweaks. You may even be thinking that it's you, not the others, who need to make those changes. You've been thinking of little else since, and you're willing to put Stage One into operation yourself. Asking for help with Stages Two, Three, etc., certainly couldn't hurt and might be part of the solution.” My Aquarius Horoscope

This was my horoscope for the day. Actually tomorrow. Used to be an avid reader. Used to believe on getting a heads up for tomorrows adventure. Then I realize that I didn’t want to know the future. It took away from the excitement of living everyday as if it was your last. It took away because these generalization would be true whether I believed them or not. It was true in that I would do the opposite to make sure that these events the horoscope forecasted would not become true.

Learned of thing called self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believed certain events would happen, then consciously or unconsciously they would happen. Used to get déjà vu all the time. Got the feeling I’ve been here before all the time. The events of life moments seemed so familiar.

Well, I read the horoscope of the day before to see if what happened or not. I mean I still keep my birthday horoscope each year, but the power of horoscope once held no longer interest me. It seems a bit tired. I read once in awhile, but now no longer. They mystery of the day unfolding via the daily horoscope has passed.

Sure things of the future I am fascinated by. Walked by the New Age section of Barnes & Nobles and it was covered with 2012 stuff. Read stuff on Yahoo about the Sun being inactive and the next few years could be a turbulent times. Even picked up a dvd from the library about the rise and fall of Mayan and Incan civilization. They say that an increase of earthquakes would be signs of Armageddon ahead.

Perhaps my bout with Diabetes and CHF have made me get more spiritual. Seems a bit crappy I think. However, in my defense, I did not cry to God to help me because I had these illnesses. I did seek spiritual solace in my mistakes I’ve made. Found myself going to church weekly and daily. Visited churches and mission up and down the LA area. On my trip to SF, I wanted to visit all these missions. Started reading about Islam, Hinduism, Judaism. Still doing that now. Watched videos on Mormonism. Catholicism, and the such.

I attend church regularly, and I find that I thank the Big Smile more and more every day. Read snippets of many religious practices. More and more I read, I find myself wanting more. Learning more. Each religion I found very sensible and very uplifting. What I’ve been troubled is with a lot of the humanness and frailties that take the Word and distort the message by the messenger. Catholic priests and child abuse. Muslim terrorists and plots against Americanism. Christian zealots attacking same-sex marriages. It seems many conflicts and wars were religious based.

Live this way to reach Heaven, Nirvana, and so on. Live another way and you will go wherever.

I read that in “Everything You Need to Know About Judaism” book that Abraham as child destroyed all the statues in his father’s shop except the big one with a hammer. When his father asked, Abraham said that the big one destroyed the others. Here is where monotheism begins. In another book about Buddhism, it said that Brahman also believed in the monotheism centuries years before the Lamb of God and Prophet Muhammad. Vishnu, Brahma, Shiva were all facets of the same ultimate being.

Guess a little knowledge is dangerous. Guess, I am deadly. Lots of little knowledge here and there. Immerse myself in all and everything. I am learning nothing.

All this reading, experiencing, and discovering I have asked question and the answers are coming. Intuitively, there is a higher purpose, a higher being. Intuitively, I believe there are reasons for things happening. Intuitively, I believe in a Flow.

Do I believe in Muhammad? Do I believe in Joseph Smith? Buddha? Dalai Lama? Jesus Christ?Of course I do. They all preach a lesson of God’s Love. All preach be good to one another. All preach a Higher higher.

So this spiritual journey, this quest, this moment of my life finds me not looking for answers. These answers will be revealed to me.

It’s funny sitting here at It’s a Grind a Bible study is forming. Twelve people are surrounding all around. I may say something. It’s funny how things manifest itself. Well, guess, I will listen and pray.  Answers are being revealed.

Journey

It Could Have Been Me

Learned that an old friend is in the hospital. He is confused, agitated and noncompliant. Extubated himself and removed lines. Ryan is a diabetic and has not been taking care of himself from what I gathered. 

Its been some time since we spoke. He was an asshole. Don’t get me wrong I wish no ill will on this old childhood playmate. However, he was not too nice too some neighborhood kids. Grade school kids can be very mean. He was the mean type.

Rivers of Our Lives

Drifted apart after I moved from the Hills. Not someone that I consider close friend, but someone I knew. Not sure how to react. It is disturbing to learn that his condition is not well. It is disturbing to learn that life has not been so kind to him. With blood sugar levels up in the high triple digits, I find that I need to look at my own lifestyle and my own choices.

Choices, Why?

Don’t know if he is giving up. Don’t know if he cares. Perhaps he’s in one of the stages of DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). Not sure if I will visit him, it has been so long ago. Perhaps I should because it has been so long ago. Not sure where the voices will send me. Some things I can’t forget. The way he treated some neighbor kids was cruel. He was an asshole.

Perhaps this is test. A test to Forgive and to genuinely to show concern. Not sure if he has many friends. Not sure if life is better for him. Perhaps this discovery is a call for. . .I don’t know.

If It Were Me?

Would I want someone to visit me if I were hospitalized? Would I want to be reminded of a time when I was not so nice? I looked him in facebook. Didn’t send him a friend request. Perhaps I should. If I want forgiveness, perhaps. . .I don’t know.

I knew him. I know of him. I know him.

Should I Follow This Current?

Do I want to relive the past? Do I want to go there? A river runs through it played on Tv the other day. It was a story about fishing. About two brothers. About something I don’t really know the moral of the story and how it relates to the now. I am sure it will come to me.

There are old friends I’d like to reconnect. People that I would like to call friend again. Yet, I wait. I wonder. .

Sights I Have Seen

This month I have been traveling around here and there, going on a road trip to San Francisco with my cousin. Visited a lot of places, Hearst Castle. Solvang, Big Sur, China Town, Golden Gate Bridge. Watched the last two games of the NBA Finals. Took pictures of many sites, elephant seals molting, brown cows chasing zebras, statues and rotundas, and chalk picture artists. 

We go through life visiting and meeting people of all sorts. We hear of old playmates come and gone. We live life. We have a connection. We have a lesson in everything. The universe gives us what we need at the time we need them. At first, we may not see the big pictures because our vision is focusing on the little things. We want to be in the moment, but we at times some how miss the bigger picture.

Unfinished Business?

There are friends of long ago that I only see through Facebook. They live their lives in ways. I am happy for them. We are not close because we make choices to act, to live, to ride that river.

Ryan, I don’t know if I will visit. I hope there is a reason for me to learn of your life. I think I will visit. Perhaps, its for you. Perhaps its for me. Perhaps, it is because there is a bigger reason I can not see right now. Coincidences happen, but the events in your life has perhaps briefly stirred an inkling to connect. To reconnect. When I found myself down, I needed help. Got that help from the Big Smile. Perhaps that is what you need. Perhaps it is what I need.

Ryan, get better. Take better care of yourself. I think I will stop by and say, Hi. There is a reason. Guess, I need to take a leap and find out why.

Descano (Part 2 of 3)

(Cont)

It's a Journey
Got there and I am glad that I did. Spent a few hours there. It is a beautiful place. Sitting in the parking lot doing some reading and writing. Got a call from cousin Jason and asked where I was. Figuring I’d be here an hour or two. Said let's, "Hook up before the graduation party."

Many Things For the Senses
Well, it was an adventure at the Gardens. Koi, turtles, almost breaking my ankles, Japanese tea garden, Lilac lots, redwood trees, walk up hill to the Boddy house, getting lost, off trail, trams, trains, wedding parties, bonsais, chips, class on bonsai pruning, herons, jumping fish, waterfall, lots and lots of pictures (648 for the day). It was cool. Couple are not enough.

Listening to shuffled songs on the blackberry as I was on my journey. Thought of my Dad. This must be  where his inspiration may have manifested.

Altitude Equals Attitude
Sitting atop of the stone bench above his house. It was an adventure. Met up with Jay and we took a tram. Was not going to do the walk again around the place. It was tiring. Plus, the Salmon/ spinach crepes were escaping my digestive tract. Went to the bird observation and took some photos.

Remembering Special Moments
Don’t like to take too many pictures of people because that feels like an invasion of privacy. If they are far off and can’t get a good picture of the face, I am less troubled. If you noticed, don’t have too many pictures of my family. Just those things are private and special to me.

Rebirth, Renewals, and Wet Willies
The rest of the day was marking things to do on life list. Finally went to Vromans to get that Phoenix. Hung out with the family. Discovered that Cathy, Marn’s ex, got married that day.

Messed with Jillian. Gave her wet willies. (Jillian, It wasn’t coke. Just joking with you.) People don’t laugh and smile a lot. Some much tension around. Wet willies to all.

Sabbath and Serra
Went Saturday Mass in this huge church in Pasadena. Fourteen multi-colored columns. Pictures of saints. Father Serra statue was in the parking lot. (Forgot to take his picture) Church was huge. Had to be at least five stories high. I think a Filipino priest. Could tell by the slight accident. Notice atop of one of the arches that there was this gold mylar balloon overhead.

Feel My Flow
Got me thinking there is so much out there. If we just notice the signs. Would not have gone to the Descano Gardens if I didn’t notice the signs. Some stuff is in our mental hopper just percolating. At the right time, things begin to flow. You will remember some obscure factoid and you will be somewhere you are supposed to be. Don't forget to take pictures.

(Cont)

Descano (Part 3 of 3)

(Cont)
Flow
Got me thinking there is so much out there. If we just notice the signs. Would not have gone to the Descano Gardens if I didn’t notice the signs. Some stuff is percolating in our mental hopper.  At the right time, things begin to flow. You will remember some obscure factoid and you will be somewhere you are supposed to be.

Listen to Your Compass
Riding this wave we need to see the long view and short view at the same time. They say, "Be Present. Don’t worry about the past, don’t worry about the future. Concern yourself with only the present." My views has changed. Its "Do all at the same time." Be present, remember your past, act for the future. Yes, at the same time. 

SAID (Specific Adaptation to Increased Demands)
Look at everything now. Multi-task mentally. They say 10 percent of the brain is used. Maybe we got to work on the interneurons more. Build that corpus callosum that connects the right and left hemisphere. Touch, taste, sight, smell, hear—Use all the senses to build those memories. Activate all the lobes. Make these connections better. Overload your synapses. Apply SAID principle to the brain. Get all these senses firings. Imprint. Bring all the senses, activate all the lobes, parietal, temporal, occipital, frontal. Swish that cerebral spinal fluid.

Afferent Neurons Receive Info From Senses
We primarily have three senses to our learning style preference, KSA: Kinesthetic, Sight, Auditory. However, our gustatory and olfactory sense seem to bring the greatest memory.

Think about your first love’s scent. Cool Water. Peach Bath and Body lotion. These were what I wore. (Not telling you what my first love wore. Its my little private heaven.) Think of the senses that brings those happy memories. Those that bring you, peace. love. joy.

A Pattern Exist, People Face Challenges
It is said that physicist were able to take a picture of a molecule. They took pictures of it at three different places. No big deal. (Movie, What the Bleep) Significant fact was the same molecule, (or was it an atom) was photographed in three distinct location at the same time. In other words, the atomic particle was three places at the same time. If children, can watch tv, listen to their ipod while blogging and studying, then why can’t a person be multi-tasking.

Answers Revealed, They Are In the Little Things
Perhaps a bit far-fetched. Its just at times when getting in the flow, I noticed that memories of the past, now, and the future rush in. Time feels like it slows down when being in the zone. Can’t help think of a line in a Star Trek movie, Insurrection (I think?) “One can live a lifetime in a moment.”

Angels Above
Maybe this is true. So this is guess, what I am saying. Live a lifetime in a moment. People, events, thoughts will come to you sending. Your soul is always listening for these moments. Its up you to decide to act, to move. Inertia causes the body to move in the same direction unless a force greater will cause it change direction. Live your life the way it is and a certain results are highly probable. Eat, watch tv, live a life alone. Enjoy, take moments, live a life full. We will all have a journey's an end. Its natural. Its okay. Do you really want to live forever? 

All count moments. Perhaps, it is a flirtatious smile. Perhaps, it is a bee flying on a plant pollinate it. Perhaps it is a surfer standing on the shore, ready to journey ahead. Little events can be the force that changes your perspective. An old saying goes, that a butterfly's wing flapping caused a tsunami in China that caused the surf on at Zuma. (Okay, I revised it)

Can You Hear Me Now?
Your inner voice will give suggestions. Sometimes it is a whisper. Sometimes its a shout. You are the captain of your ship. Go with the flow or battle the storm. Both work.

Everything Count
For me, I rather live regretting things I did, than things I never did. Like a kiss on a moonlit night. Like a flight to somewhere across the continent. Like pulling off the side of a road, because a sign on the side of the road said "Descano Gardens" My soul heard, "Go."

Descano (Part 1 of 3)

Back Again
Haven’t been posting for a bit. Been writing a little, but nothing I want to put out in the internet universe yet. Let’s call it first draft. Been busy. Yesterday, found me in the Descano Gardens. 168 acres or place to recharge. Green, green, and more green. Lots of colors.

Signs Overhead
What drew me to this place were signs on the road. First sign was tents on the overhead of a bridge. (Balloon in church—I’ll get back to this)

Free Food, Okay?
Anyways,  headed to my cousin’s graduation party in Pasadena. Got up early and was out the door. Anyways on the 210 freeway, saw these tents overhead. Thought it was a 5k and thought. "Free food, healthy giveaways, lets get off the freeway and go. Lots of time before the party" (There was a run on North Sierra Highway early in the morning)

Go This Way
Wanted to explore anyways. Some things on the fly are the best. Anyways, the sign on the fence, as I was getting off the 210 Freeway said, “Descano Gardens.” It piqued my curiosity. Must have read about it somewhere and it was in the hopper of things to do. 

Not a 5k Run, Just Vegetables
Back to the tents. It was a 5k. It was a farmers market on a deserted section of parking lots. Growers were bringing their wares. Vegetables, fruits, pastries, flowers, and there were a few restaurateurs.

Flower Power
Had a salmon, spinach crepes. My first. Took some photos of some flowers. Actually lots of flowers. Don’t know what it has been lately, but flowers have been motif for me. Perhaps it was the orange poppy fields. Perhaps, it was the Getty Smell Garden?

Minutes Away
Whatever, it was I started asking about the vendors about the Descano Gardens. No one knew what I was talking about. Going to say, just go to the graduation party. Walking to my car, almost bumped into a person was fumbling with his wallet. He glowed, a bit. I asked if he knew about the Descano Garden. He looked at me startled, as if I was an old high school buddy that forgot his name. In an excited, exasperated enthusiasm he told me about this local treasure.  He was quite descriptive. His glow and zeal fired me up. Guess, this is where I need to be. He said, "I must go and it was only a few minutes away."

(Cont)

Friar-dom?

Lynn said in a former life I was a monk. Or my Reiki guide is a monk. Without any prompting and before we broke, she said an image of a monk kept on coming to her. Earth mother said she thinking my special word for me was "Faith" before I said it to our reading group. During my drunken college days, I dressed up as a monk and woke up a with a 9 inch wooden cross (and aching jaw where someone I still don't know who hit me during a drunken Halloween stupor) I have still have priest outfit that I wore for last Halloween. 

 She said “45” kept her in head. Lynn was my Reiki Instructor. I think I understand the 45, but I will keep that one to myself. 

Won’t deny that I feel comfortable and at peace in church. I'll will admit that I felt a calling to the clergy. I'll admit there is book sitting next to me named “Everything Understanding Islam.” I'll admit that I made a promise one year to “Make My Soul Stronger.” Took a Philosophy as Religion and Bible at Literature class. I'll admit that there was a need to be Baptised again. I'll admit that Abbey in Valyermo felt like home. I'll admit that when Welford and Shazam balked about me being a priest that my natural instinct was to say, “No, you are wrong. Priestly vocation has been a part of me. This life or past life—it is part of who I am.”

Recently learned my Uncle Mike was accepted to a most prestigious seminary school in the Philippines. Learned one of my Fonacier relatives is a priest too. Maybe its in the blood. Whatever it is, I'll admit that I believe that I am a Man of Faith. What that Faith is, I’m still discovering.

My blog posts are of redemption and higher calling. It is about the heroic journey. Things are coming to clarity now. Still do not know where this journey leads, but here I be. Still not sure if this my life or my guide to do be and do, all I know is that I'm beginning to know. Still coming to grips with these messages.

This will be a short post. Sorry.

Have Faith.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--Jed, Bartlet, West Wing

What I hope I will be in 30 minutes


Veins of Gold. Ray of Gold. "I am still learning--Michaelangelo."

These are the little snippets I have gotten from this new book I am beginning to read. Forty more pages and I should be caught up.

By coincidence, I met up with a reading group all femmes with artistic aspirations. Having lunch at Panera's and I couldn't help but listen to these women having "Discourse." Initially, I thought it was healing group. Kind of afraid to inquire because I got this feeling there was some anger issues. Male-bashing trauma. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club. No, not the UFC stuff. It was the weekly meetings, Ed Norton's character was attending to battle is insomnia. Testicular Cancer, Sickle-Cell Anemia, etc.

I felt like a Tourist. I had no intention of involving myself. I had no desire too, either. I was simply drawn at the battle of two personalities. I've seen it before, In group development. In all group development four stages must happen: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. This was undoubtedly the storming/ forming stage. As an outside viewer, a tourist, I could not help but listen. I tried not to, I swear. Yet, I was drawn.

The group's discourse reminded me of the movies when people kiss. I always avert my eyes during the scenes of intimacy. A passionate, innocent kiss--I always avert my eyes. Its so intrusive. Its so intimate. Its so personal. Guess, during my Peer Counseling days, privacy was and still is of utmost importance. If I went, I would assume it would be like a confession. Baring one's soul to the world. I mean, being adept in sales, it has been my natural instinct to be able to cut through the Bull. Get Cliff Notes in snippets. Watching someones shoes, their gait, their outfit. Listening to the inflection. Watching the congruences, their tells, when they spoke. I was able to size up a situation and circumstance in an instant.

All of us do it all the time. Guess, I had good teachers to be listening with my eyes more often.

One of the ladies passed by on her way to the washroom, I asked innocently what the group was. I was right. It was a reading book group with a theme of self-help artist within-stuff. Well, I was invited to join and I accepted. One lady was a published author and I thought. Why not? If I have any aspirations of writing a book, well, okay. Jump.

One said I was a catalyst. Had to look that up to make sure that was a good thing. Its just I like to get things done. I don't want to be the alpha in this group. I am just going to flow. We naturally step into roles we feel most comfortable in. Mine has been toward leadership. Lately, I have been consciously not falling into this role. Don't get me wrong, but I think I am enjoying playing the devil's advocate. The road less traveled. I enjoy being the other voice. Yet, I will take a backseat approach and enjoy the ride

When the time calls, I'll be whatever needs to be done to reach where this journey needs us to go. For a long time, my question has been "If you were a fly on the wall, what wall would that be?" For me, it was answered in the movie Thirteen Days. During time of crisis, I felt that I would play a role. What role? Honestly, don't know. Thought I would be the decision maker. Thought I would the special assistant. Thought I would be the voice to call for war. Played this scenario so many times, . . .It was like playing chess. E4, E5, Kn F3. . .

Maybe these events will be a warm-up for something more. Posse is forming. Foreshadowing. Well, time is short. Must go on my mini-escape.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--West Wing