Vasquez Rocks: Easter 2011

This has by far has been the most viewed post on my blog. Vasquez Rocks: Easter post I believe I need to give an 2011 update. Been regular with church and I’ve even been asked to be Godfather for niece’s cousin. It is an honor to be asked. It will be second time.  Looked up the duties of being a Godfather and it’s not like the Al Pacino or Marlon Brandon movies. It says to be in responsible for the spiritual development of your charge.

In a ways, it is like Qi-Gong and Obi Wan Kenobi. Like Yoda and Luke. Jedi and Padawan. Its great honor and great responsibility. It reminds of time when I was asked to be a mentor in my fraternity from the pledge class. His name is Syed. A great guy.  The task of taking someone under your wing to show them the ropes.

Spiritual development requires certain sacrifices. It means being ready and to be a model. It means to expect, than inspect certain behaviors. Two days ago, I was called by the one of the fathers asking if I would be attending Priestly Vocation dinner.  Honestly, I have thought about it. Really, I have got a ways to go before making a commitment like that. When I brought it up to someone as joke and as a way to gauge another’s reaction, it surprised me when he said, “Why not? I could see you doing that.” It really surprised and it got me thinking.

A lot has happened, since Easter last year. My attitude and my belief system has been developing. Precepts I held strong, I’ve begun to question. Been reading the Bible study guide and visiting churches and missions whenever I can. Been exploring the realm of religion and its meaning. I’ve been asked to dinner and my heart has been opened.

Been making real efforts to be more with family. Visiting when I can and reaching out all the time. Projects important to me is a family tree. Scanning photos, updating charts, and attending parties. Had a few friend’s parents pass away and I think of my uncles and aunts whose hair has been graying and running away. They have been my guides, my mentors. Now it is my turn.

When I think of Easter, I think of ACE Catholicism. Ash Wednesday, Christmas and Easter. I think of the time of sacrifice and Lent. I think of Passover and the story of Pesach post. I think of the egg tosses at family get-togethers and climbing Vasquez Rocks. The story of the Passion and the parallelism and meaning of the entire story. Easter celebration I discovered is a season long celebration. A time of regeneration and Hope.

When I think of Vasquez Rocks and Easter, it marks a measure of spiritual development. I was asked on Easter Day to be a Godfather. Wow, much has changed since I was here last. We are not given things we can not handle. Always felt that and now its time to put it to the test. Need to prepare myself for another to grow and develop. 

Today, I went birthday buffet. Two of my cousin’s kids came up to me and gave me a hug. Out of the blue. One still doesn’t have my name down, but looking into his eyes, he knows me. Another, she’s got personality and demands attention.

Read in one of my FB friend’s notes. She had a variation of the Defense of God argument. Defense of Big Smile post In her note, a student and professor were debating the existence of the Big Smile.  At one point, it was asked. Has anyone seen the professor’s brain?  After the classroom laughter, the student asked, “Has anyone seen, touched, felt, smelled, heard, tasted the professor’s brain?” Class, responded, “No, then according to the rules of deduction then your brain doesn’t exist.”  Same logic used to by the professor to disprove God is the same logic used to disprove the professor has a brain. It’s not a game of “I got you”; it’s just the discovery of flaw of reasoning and false premises.

My role as Godfather  to my charge  is develop the skills and tools for spiritual development. Easter, I’ve learned so much that I know that I know so little. Abs, Pops, Jes—Thank you for considering me and I will do my best to train this young one.     

Door Closed. . .

A missed flight and the trajectory of his life changed forever. A crash he was never in. A bigger purpose he had. Music was his love, but another Love—Bigger and Better—was found. Was it better? Was it bigger? This I do not know. But I would like to think so.

A higher calling was found and he answered. Ministering and calling those who will listen and have audience for the Big Smile.

It’s funny how an accident here can have a lasting effect on all those that follow. Perspectives change. Attitudes are re-examined. Anger, denial, bargaining fills the void. We ask hard questions of ourselves. We make decisions and we got to live with them.  We go askew. We discover our detour leads to a life never imagined. Cross roads in our lives leads us to places we were supposed to go. We make decisions. We need take these life lessons in order to make us ready for decisions in front of us.

He spoke with me in confidence once. Not sure if he was sensing my dilemma or maybe he was unburdening the heavy weight on his soul. Whatever the reason, I found solace and serenity in his letting down his guard. A  man of God, he spoke. He was angry, deeply angry at the Big Smile. This one afternoon, we were sitting just waiting for his daughter, my friend.  He said at times he goes out in the desert to scream, Scream at God. Don’t recall how the conversation evolved for him to say these words, but they brought comfort to me.

Why?  One may ask. Life had been changing for me in clips I wasn’t ready for. Rochelle passed from cancer and I was angry. So angry. Got mad at Father, Teachers, Friends. Moved away from friends I liked. Gone from a place that was my Home. Embarrassed by life circumstances and angry with everything at the moment, he said he would go out at the desert and scream at God. Wow, this was a concept that blew me away. How can someone be angry at God? How can someone minster the word and be angry at the one has given the word? He said, he loved God, but at times did not understand the mysteries in front of him. There was a rage. He was troubled by this dilemma. Being angry at the one he loved.

It never registered such a concept existed. Thought I was in outer space. The one that bestows the many gifts of life can also fire such anger and animosity. Can people can be angry with the Big Smile? Guess, they can. He said, he did. This made it easier for me. Life situation happened. One could love family and friends and still be angry with them. I just loved who they are and that was enough. I forgave them for cross words and impolite unpleasantries. However, being angry at God made it okay to be angry and others.  I knew that being angry was short-lived emotion and I knew these feelings would pass. It made okay to love my Loved Ones, but be angry at their behaviors.

I was never quick to anger. However, once the fuse was lit, the fire would be hard to quench. Burn, baby. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, let the mother fucker burn. Burn mother fucker. Burn. Burn. Burn. This was the attitude I had at the time. Held it for some time, but did not know it at the time. Just the way I did things. I used this fire to accomplish some things.  Things I was proud of. It was just sublimation. It worked for me at the time.

Having feelings that were alien to my belief system did not sync. It brought me incongruity, a disjointedness. His words brought me peace knowing the Big Carl had feelings similar to mine. I was angry at life and couldn’t blame the people around because they were dealing with similar stuff. It wasn’t their fault, but I still felt angry. Angry at who? God, but I just didn’t know it at the time. Sure there were others that I had legitimate beef with, but that too has passed.

That simple conversation made a world of difference on my attitude of life. Could have remained angry. Could have projected on to others who didn’t deserve it. Could have denied the feelings and beliefs with myself. Could have kept on sublimating, but that would not resolved the true root cause.  

Its not easy at times to deal with the challenges we face. Its not without purpose we go through the trials. There is purpose and meaning to events in our lives. Perhaps it is the human condition rationalizing incredible events? Perhaps it is make believe that we live in and there is not Big Smile at all. However, I don’t think that is true.  Could be atheist and believe no God exist.  Or I could be an agnostic and hedge my bets. Or I can believe that there is the Alpha/ Omega and there is bigger plan to all the chaotic randomness we live in. At times, things are taken from us because we need to go a different way. Had to do this with my nephew because continuing in certain behaviors would be worse. At the time, I didn't see the big picture. I did not understand the Bigger purpose. 

Inspiration, understanding, free will—these are gifts that we must all cherish. Choice is yours. Messages are all around.  All I can say is this keep your eyes and your heart open. Carl, thank you for sharing with me. It helped me to let go and let God.

Day to remember those that were bigger

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself--Joseph Campbell

Starts with a post

Just got this quote from a Facebook post.  Thinking of all the friends and family members that were in the military on this Memorial Day. 2010. All those that serve this country for the protection of our freedom and liberty. For a time, the American People were not so nice to Veterans and this is a tough thing to swallow. Calling Korean and Vietnam veterans baby killers. Spitting on returning troops. Not paying soldiers for risking their lives in previous battles.

Military and Movies

Saw a movie, Stop Loss. It was a tough movie. Basically, the US Government said, "No, you can’t go just yet. Yes, you fulfilled your country’s duty. However, we just need you for a little longer." This last year the Academy Award winner was for movie call the Hurt Locker. It’s about bomb demolition specialist that goes back into the fray. It reminds me of part of the movie Black Hawk Down. At the end of the movie, one of the Rangers grabs a quick bite to eat and heads back into Mogadishu.  

Not Our Best Moment

There is something basic—very basic about the human condition. Here people can be so unkind to others. Regular people--you and me--with very noble intention to serve is rebuked and betrayed. A person consciously decides to withstand all the difficulties and fight for cause that is bigger than selves.  Yet return to with such. . .crap.  Just basic Crap. Fighting for your country, fighting for something bigger. They return--not to a hero’s welcome--but to crap, piss, and spit.It makes one give pause to stepping into the fray.

Scaling Mountains

This was not a country's best moments. Yet, when you see hero types, the unsung heroes that strap on and gets back in the fray. No fanfare. No medals. No rewards. Just the knowledge that they helped another. They climbed mountains and built something wonderful. This is what heroes are. You realize, "Hey, there is something more. I am part of his/her team, I am part of the human race. You realize you, too, can be a rock climber. I am part of that genome. I got hero in me, too." 

Green Angels Among Us

At times, we are faced with ugliness. When desperation and evil stares in the face, I find solace that others had the gravitas to be bigger than stupid individuals, hurt feelings, and displaced rage. They were able to stand up and step up to be bigger. To get higher, we need to remember on Memorial Day, we stand on the shoulders of giants.They are our base, our foundation.

Emissary Goats sent to Azazel

Who's Fault Is It Now? In Leviticus 16:8-10, Emissary goats--Scapegoats--were sent to Azazel.

Stupidity happens. Injustice occurs. Intolerance and Scapegoating is a historical fact. First it was immigrants for the country’s woes. It was the Indians. Then Asians. The Jews. Now it’s the Mexicans. Blaming someone else for the society's problem is not a new tactic. 

If we can remember, these scapegoating tactics were used against Jews, homosexuals, and anyone un-uberman-like. The United States fought World War II to stop concentration camps and the whole extermination of a people.

Before calling the kettle you know, let's not get too big-headed. America is not within its own evils. Slavery of Africans, taking of Native Americans lands and cultures, and internment camps of the Japanese Americans. Lets not forget Fred Korematsu and other Civil Rights leaders. Remember J. Adams? How about B. Franklin? T. Jefferson? G. Washington and the other signatories of the Declaration of Independence. You are right this what American soldiers fought and died for.

One could say it’s the politicians' fault. But that too would be the same scapegoating. French Revolution said that it was the riches fault for everything. Thanks Charles Dickens f Tale of Two Cities.

Before doing this I am reminded of not a well-known Jewish holiday, Erev Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is a big day to the Hebrews. Yom Kippur is a day for atoning for the sins against God. The day before Yom Kippur is Erev Yom Kippur. On this day people apologize and ask forgiveness from friends, relatives, and acquaintances to heal hurt feelings. In other words, before we ask Forgiveness from God, we ask it from each other. 

So What Do We Do?

Really, I am not sure.Wish I had the answer. I believe in the Sir Galahad theory. Before doing this, perhaps we can remember no one wants to be sent Azazel as emissary goats. Perhaps we can remember Erev Yom Kippur before we battle in the name of God. Perhaps we will not need to remember so many on this hallowed day

Possible Answer: Be an Eternal Flame

Fight for the causes you believe in. Stand up before the fight begins. If one can’t do that, then feel in your heart.  In time, we may learn that we are all connected. In time, we may be friends. Maybe in time we learn to eat, play, and celebrate together.  Dalai Lama said that we need more festivals. Maybe this is true. Eat and celebrate together. We get to see our neighbor in the eye. We need to see that fire for life. We got to be that Eternal Flame.

Sweeping changes may be needed. Flood, plague, and fire have been used for the cleaning of house. Right now our world is bleeding and BP can’t seem to plug up this hole. Spilling of our oceans is killing us and our world. Volcanoes are spewing ash in the sky. Earthquakes are saying that there's a time for change. Don’t want to get Armageddon -ish. It’s not my thing. Death happens to us all. What I am saying is that we should remember--and more importantly--learn from the past. You know the rest of the saying.

Another Possible Solution: Marine Motto Semper Fidelis means Always Faithful. Faith is defined as a fidelity to one's promise. According to Merriman-Webster dictionary Faith does not simply define "belief and trust and loyalty God." It stands as an allegiance to duty and others. It is our duty. Our duty in believing as people--and more importantly--as a person that we (I) can and should do better. On this Memorial Day, the Fallen have given “. . .the last full measure of devotion”—Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address.

We need to remember. It is our duty to remember. It is our duty to respect. To stand up and be bigger than ourselves.  Perhaps with this, this simple belief and acceptance that we are more similar than different, then maybe we can fix these things hurting ourselves and our world.

First it is a feeling.  A recognition of right and wrong. Your soul will tell you what is. Just have to listen. A thought will manifest itself to a belief. Next an action.

Another Solution: Remembering

If we can remember “It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.” Gettysburg Address, Lincoln again. 

Saw a movie (Yes, another movie) Taking Chance. A simple story about a Marine volunteering to do Escort Duty for a Fallen Soldier. He is met acts of kindness and respect on their journey home. So let me be simple and start. Russell, Mike C., M. Jones, Marvin, Dad, and others in the military--Thank you on this hallowed day, Memorial Day.

Balloon Therapy

D. Valdez--"It is ALWAYS GRANTED when asked for....

Couple days ago asked for Forgiveness. On Facebook. Couple of nights ago, got in a car accident.

Driving on Palmdale Boulevard at a quarter past eight at night. Just past the rotary and out of nowhere. . .it looked like a white boxer. Brown, too. It was to my right. It was dark. Driving 50. It happened in a split second.

Moving On Means Going Back, Too
All of sudden, Blam!!! Continued driving. Had this sinking feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve hit dogs before late at night, but this was different. Drove on. Got home, but couldn't stop. Decided to go back. Flipped a U-ie. Called the 911 to inform police to where the incident happened. Felt horrible. Why? Because I just kept going.

It was only 3 minutes there and back--I remember--since the accident happened. But needed to know that dog was not suffering. Emergency lights on, drove up and down the street twice looking for the dog. No blood. No dog. No nothing. When the officer arrived, we searched but could not find a thing. Nothing. 

Stopped under a light and got to see the dent to the right front bumper. It was good foot in length. Time for a new bumper. What troubled me the most is not the accident. Nor the deductible. It was not finding the dog. Just bothered me so. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t get mind off it. Remembering the crunch. Feeling of the steering wheel trying to correct the car after the swerve. Just wanted to ease my mind knowing that dog didn’t suffer much.

Salvation Is Not Always In Church
Logically knew there was not much more that could be done. Mind was straight, just my heart felt heavy. It was an accident, no one’s fault, but it weighed on me. Woke up the next morning, foregoing my walk and run. Just left the house. Found myself at St. Mary’s and just prayed. It was 6:40 am. Ten minutes in the morning mass.  I prayed, took communion, and then left still feeling uneasy.

Message From the Heaven
On the way to LCH, noticed from a distance a dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell. what it was. Driving closer and closer to Lancaster, past Avenue N, past Avenue K, the dot got bigger and bigger. Got to the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulled the Pentax out and started looking for that dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell still. Its a Monday. No hot air balloons on a weekday. People are working. 

Using the zoom, I realized the dot in the sky was a hot air balloon. An uncommon sight. Usually it’s a Saturday or Sunday when balloons dot the sky. Today, there it was. Most people would be out working, but this day was different. Started noticing my heart feeling lighter. Guess, my prayers were heard. Right then, realized and accepted damage was done and needed to move on.

Junipero Serra's Missions: Looking Up, Moving On
Something about looking up in the sky, and watching hot air balloons. My mind understood, but my heart still felt heavy for the loss. My heart needed to let go. It needed to lighten. It hurt and it bothered me. But seeing the dot in the sky helped me moved on. Can’t erase this memory, but one can reconcile on the mistakes made. 

Took pictures of a hot air balloon that was down a day earlier. Saw its descent and its landing on a field. Saw the retrieval truck pick up the passengers on their landing. Saw how the retrieval team follow the balloon on the roads. It was dangerous because the balloon was on Avenue M, near the airport. Right in front where planes land. Saw how quickly they were able to pick up these people up in the heavens and take them home.Maybe this is how Angels work.

Hindu Temple, Karma
I hope that the Dog found peace. I hope that Dog had lived a good life. I hope that Angels were able to pick up this Dog and take it to Heaven, to take the dog Home. I hope the Dog will forgive me.

After some time, it made me realize that we make mistakes. Sometimes people cause accidents. Sometimes people are the victims of accidents. Asking for and giving Forgiveness is hard at times. Whether you go to Church or Temple, there is something transformative in the act of Forgiving. Learned that lesson well. 

Angels Everywhere
Been burdened with heavy heart for a time. Now, done my crying. Done my hurting. Working on being Done with the heavy heart. "No more" is the plan. Got to pick up and let my soul take flight. Brian, Em, Robin, and so on—I Love You dearly. Got to go. Got to go with God. You are always with me. I believe the Big Smile will bring us back together.

Someday. 

Maybe next time we can do it better.

Epigram

Criticism: Some people love you, some people don’t. 

Fire Me Up, Don't Burn Me Down

It’s easy to tear something down. To take down brick by brick the works of others. Sometimes this is needed. That is all some can do. Tear things down. No skills to build, just to demolish. Perhaps, criticism is well-founded. Perhaps, the ones that criticize have been there and done that. 

Talk So Much, But Not Saying A Thing
More often than not, the ones that are harshest and have the most sting are the ones that have been hurt the most. A defense tactic learned early to protect this hurt child. Criticizers and talking heads attack because an over-abundance of anger and hate.  Negative critics remind me of CNN or Fox "so-called-experts." Wrong with this. Wrong with that. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing of substance these bobble head speak. Their tirades are. . .uninspired.

Void Needs Filling. Don't Be A Soul Assassin

They grab and attack others energies to boost their own waning supplies. Can’t create this positive energy themselves, so they prey on others. Looking for a weakness. Looking for an opening. Looking for something that is missing. They find it. They always find something missing. Trouble is they can't fill themselves. There is a hole in their heart. There is a hole in their soul. They are spilling bile because inside gangrene festers.Before criticizing ask this, What will you leave in the world?

To the critics, I am reminded by Orlando Bloom, Kingdom of Heaven, quote “What is a Man Who Does Not Make the World Better Place.”

Value In Everything

When the words of angry detractors pollute my prana. I try to find the message. At times, there is difficulty. Difficulty in decoding the message. There is anger and hurt. Difficulty in the message because the messenger may not have command of the words to communicate their meaning. Difficulty in the message because we have personal blocks that don’t allow us to hear the true meaning. There is a message. May take some time, to uncover the noise. But the feedback is valued. Learned a new word, Epigram. Thank you. Your other stuff, still working on it. Will give the attention its due

Let Them Cry

If a person is taking the time to retort, give feedback, criticize, than that is okay. He cared enough to write. He cared enough to read more. He cared enough to share. Sometimes the display of affection is misguided and looks like graffiti.

Guess, I would be more upset if one didn't care. From the feedback read, one must care a lot. Touching an exposed nerve can be uncomfortable. Guess, one has to take a punch at times. At this time I say, "Ouch." Just don't see the world in those angry eyes. Just garbage.

Negative criticism--I liken it to a baby crying. He cries because he needs attention. He cries because he hungers for something missing. He cries because he is having a tizzy fit. To this, let them cry. In time, his sobs will abate. He will discover other ways to communicate. Negative criticizers will grow up. It's still taking me time for me to grow up, too.

Analogy Rant: ON

So when the noise gets too loud, turn down the volume. If the ugly words graffiti-ize your space, then paint over it. Raise the rent because the space in your head is too valuable. Talking heads are bargaining for a discount because they can’t pay. The bee stings cause anaphylactic shock, then take the epi and move on. One will be short of breath. One's throat will be constricted. However, take meds. One's respiratory rate will return. One's heart will go back to normal. Understand it and move. If one doesn’t understand, get some space. Get some distance. Move on. Look at the bigger picture. This bombardment of pathogens is constant. An immunity will be built. Angry words will bounce off thickened skin. The WBCs will phagocitize this alien body. The kidneys and bowels will just excrete this out. 

Let Go. Go with God

Much props to the ones that have gone before us. We should memorialize those that have made us stronger and better. To the talking heads and angry criticizers, I forgive because at times it make us stronger and better. I understand that is all one can do is tear down. Sorry. Everyone needs to be loved. Just some are harder to love than others.

Friar-dom?

Lynn said in a former life I was a monk. Or my Reiki guide is a monk. Without any prompting and before we broke, she said an image of a monk kept on coming to her. Earth mother said she thinking my special word for me was "Faith" before I said it to our reading group. During my drunken college days, I dressed up as a monk and woke up a with a 9 inch wooden cross (and aching jaw where someone I still don't know who hit me during a drunken Halloween stupor) I have still have priest outfit that I wore for last Halloween. 

 She said “45” kept her in head. Lynn was my Reiki Instructor. I think I understand the 45, but I will keep that one to myself. 

Won’t deny that I feel comfortable and at peace in church. I'll will admit that I felt a calling to the clergy. I'll admit there is book sitting next to me named “Everything Understanding Islam.” I'll admit that I made a promise one year to “Make My Soul Stronger.” Took a Philosophy as Religion and Bible at Literature class. I'll admit that there was a need to be Baptised again. I'll admit that Abbey in Valyermo felt like home. I'll admit that when Welford and Shazam balked about me being a priest that my natural instinct was to say, “No, you are wrong. Priestly vocation has been a part of me. This life or past life—it is part of who I am.”

Recently learned my Uncle Mike was accepted to a most prestigious seminary school in the Philippines. Learned one of my Fonacier relatives is a priest too. Maybe its in the blood. Whatever it is, I'll admit that I believe that I am a Man of Faith. What that Faith is, I’m still discovering.

My blog posts are of redemption and higher calling. It is about the heroic journey. Things are coming to clarity now. Still do not know where this journey leads, but here I be. Still not sure if this my life or my guide to do be and do, all I know is that I'm beginning to know. Still coming to grips with these messages.

This will be a short post. Sorry.

Have Faith.