Marriage By ROSELYN NADONZA

Re-posted from Facebook.

WRITTEN BY MS ROSELYN NADONZA

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...
 
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly. 

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.

I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. 

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. 

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. 

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. 

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. 

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.





On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. 




She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 



On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. 

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. 

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do you have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

THANK YOU ROSELYN NADONZA

Day to remember those that were bigger

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself--Joseph Campbell

Starts with a post

Just got this quote from a Facebook post.  Thinking of all the friends and family members that were in the military on this Memorial Day. 2010. All those that serve this country for the protection of our freedom and liberty. For a time, the American People were not so nice to Veterans and this is a tough thing to swallow. Calling Korean and Vietnam veterans baby killers. Spitting on returning troops. Not paying soldiers for risking their lives in previous battles.

Military and Movies

Saw a movie, Stop Loss. It was a tough movie. Basically, the US Government said, "No, you can’t go just yet. Yes, you fulfilled your country’s duty. However, we just need you for a little longer." This last year the Academy Award winner was for movie call the Hurt Locker. It’s about bomb demolition specialist that goes back into the fray. It reminds me of part of the movie Black Hawk Down. At the end of the movie, one of the Rangers grabs a quick bite to eat and heads back into Mogadishu.  

Not Our Best Moment

There is something basic—very basic about the human condition. Here people can be so unkind to others. Regular people--you and me--with very noble intention to serve is rebuked and betrayed. A person consciously decides to withstand all the difficulties and fight for cause that is bigger than selves.  Yet return to with such. . .crap.  Just basic Crap. Fighting for your country, fighting for something bigger. They return--not to a hero’s welcome--but to crap, piss, and spit.It makes one give pause to stepping into the fray.

Scaling Mountains

This was not a country's best moments. Yet, when you see hero types, the unsung heroes that strap on and gets back in the fray. No fanfare. No medals. No rewards. Just the knowledge that they helped another. They climbed mountains and built something wonderful. This is what heroes are. You realize, "Hey, there is something more. I am part of his/her team, I am part of the human race. You realize you, too, can be a rock climber. I am part of that genome. I got hero in me, too." 

Green Angels Among Us

At times, we are faced with ugliness. When desperation and evil stares in the face, I find solace that others had the gravitas to be bigger than stupid individuals, hurt feelings, and displaced rage. They were able to stand up and step up to be bigger. To get higher, we need to remember on Memorial Day, we stand on the shoulders of giants.They are our base, our foundation.

Emissary Goats sent to Azazel

Who's Fault Is It Now? In Leviticus 16:8-10, Emissary goats--Scapegoats--were sent to Azazel.

Stupidity happens. Injustice occurs. Intolerance and Scapegoating is a historical fact. First it was immigrants for the country’s woes. It was the Indians. Then Asians. The Jews. Now it’s the Mexicans. Blaming someone else for the society's problem is not a new tactic. 

If we can remember, these scapegoating tactics were used against Jews, homosexuals, and anyone un-uberman-like. The United States fought World War II to stop concentration camps and the whole extermination of a people.

Before calling the kettle you know, let's not get too big-headed. America is not within its own evils. Slavery of Africans, taking of Native Americans lands and cultures, and internment camps of the Japanese Americans. Lets not forget Fred Korematsu and other Civil Rights leaders. Remember J. Adams? How about B. Franklin? T. Jefferson? G. Washington and the other signatories of the Declaration of Independence. You are right this what American soldiers fought and died for.

One could say it’s the politicians' fault. But that too would be the same scapegoating. French Revolution said that it was the riches fault for everything. Thanks Charles Dickens f Tale of Two Cities.

Before doing this I am reminded of not a well-known Jewish holiday, Erev Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is a big day to the Hebrews. Yom Kippur is a day for atoning for the sins against God. The day before Yom Kippur is Erev Yom Kippur. On this day people apologize and ask forgiveness from friends, relatives, and acquaintances to heal hurt feelings. In other words, before we ask Forgiveness from God, we ask it from each other. 

So What Do We Do?

Really, I am not sure.Wish I had the answer. I believe in the Sir Galahad theory. Before doing this, perhaps we can remember no one wants to be sent Azazel as emissary goats. Perhaps we can remember Erev Yom Kippur before we battle in the name of God. Perhaps we will not need to remember so many on this hallowed day

Possible Answer: Be an Eternal Flame

Fight for the causes you believe in. Stand up before the fight begins. If one can’t do that, then feel in your heart.  In time, we may learn that we are all connected. In time, we may be friends. Maybe in time we learn to eat, play, and celebrate together.  Dalai Lama said that we need more festivals. Maybe this is true. Eat and celebrate together. We get to see our neighbor in the eye. We need to see that fire for life. We got to be that Eternal Flame.

Sweeping changes may be needed. Flood, plague, and fire have been used for the cleaning of house. Right now our world is bleeding and BP can’t seem to plug up this hole. Spilling of our oceans is killing us and our world. Volcanoes are spewing ash in the sky. Earthquakes are saying that there's a time for change. Don’t want to get Armageddon -ish. It’s not my thing. Death happens to us all. What I am saying is that we should remember--and more importantly--learn from the past. You know the rest of the saying.

Another Possible Solution: Marine Motto Semper Fidelis means Always Faithful. Faith is defined as a fidelity to one's promise. According to Merriman-Webster dictionary Faith does not simply define "belief and trust and loyalty God." It stands as an allegiance to duty and others. It is our duty. Our duty in believing as people--and more importantly--as a person that we (I) can and should do better. On this Memorial Day, the Fallen have given “. . .the last full measure of devotion”—Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address.

We need to remember. It is our duty to remember. It is our duty to respect. To stand up and be bigger than ourselves.  Perhaps with this, this simple belief and acceptance that we are more similar than different, then maybe we can fix these things hurting ourselves and our world.

First it is a feeling.  A recognition of right and wrong. Your soul will tell you what is. Just have to listen. A thought will manifest itself to a belief. Next an action.

Another Solution: Remembering

If we can remember “It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.” Gettysburg Address, Lincoln again. 

Saw a movie (Yes, another movie) Taking Chance. A simple story about a Marine volunteering to do Escort Duty for a Fallen Soldier. He is met acts of kindness and respect on their journey home. So let me be simple and start. Russell, Mike C., M. Jones, Marvin, Dad, and others in the military--Thank you on this hallowed day, Memorial Day.

Three days later. . .

(Written before Dear. . .)

Chris leave tomorrow. For a year.  Just like that he’s gone.

Married two days ago. Tomorrow he’s gone. He’s in the Army now. Things were fast, things were rushed. Life is like that at times. Life has its own speed.  Chris is on hyperdrive now. He called a minute ago. Asked if I was going to stop by for his party. Unfortunately, I said, “No.”

Jewel left a text .He said there was lots of food. Lots of food. Oh by the way there is lots of food.I don't eat as much so. . .guess, he didn't want all that food go to waste. She wants me to be there.

Might go to LAX tonight so driving to the Ville is going to be much. I am sorry for being a “No-Show”. I am sorry for not being there your last night. I am glad to hear that Kim and Mitch showed. That’s important. Don’t know if I can.

Couple minutes ago, found out no LAX. Will go to Russell’s tonight. It is his last night. He’s one of the few family I speak to. Just got a text. He wants us to come by. Not something I really want to say "No" to. May not be the most practical thing going on. Drive to Vegas, then drive to Victorville, then Palmdale, then back to Victorville. Not very gas conscious.

I hear our next door neighbor’s party going. I hear the kids laughing. The parents talking. People smiling. When you get a text asking people to come to the reception tonight, you go. 

It is what family do. Only for an hour. Only for a moment. May not see either one for some time to come.  15 minutes I will learn if I go by myself or I go with others. Not sure either way. If I want to go, I should just go. Talks of family and holding it together that is what is important. Don’t know if Antoinette will be going. I doubt it. Not a strong start here. Kind of breaks my heart. She didn't show for the wedding.

Went to the wedding. Took lots of pictures. Went to Sapphire with his friends.  Hmmm, guess, its because I don’t have a family of my own this is why it affects me so. I think of my cousin Sima and he’s going his way. I see Lani and John having kids of their own. My Bro and Sis in law with their children. Feel kind of sad for some of the choices I made.  For awhile, I didn’t go to family parties. It reminded me of stuff I missed.

Will give it a few more minutes and I am out the door. Don’t know if it will last. Don’t know if I’ll see him again. Don’t know what to expect. All I know is that family is important to me. This means more than words. It means showing up and being there. Have not always done this. However, there is still breath inside me, there is still time to make things right. Maybe a little too late for some, but its time to go.

Just called. Place is packed. Lots of family friends showed.  


Three days later. I didn't go.

Avenue N and Sierra Highway

You Remind Me of A Girl I Once Knew. . .
First time was with Chelle. It was a place where we parked. Sunroof open, heater on. Desert Sky. We sat in the dark, listened to the music and enjoyed the night.

We would sit and watch stars. Planes would take off and land. Started going all the time. Middle of the day. Late at night. Early morning. Cars would just park. Then by I'd go myself. (Its better with company) Don’t know why others would go. The reason I went, besides parking with Chelle, was because it had good energy here.

Smoke Rising. . .
This place was uplifting. People coming home. People taking off. Reminded me of landing at LAX from Boston, to see Mom and Dad. It was where journey began. It was where the journey ended. It was a place where dreams would sail to the sky.

It is said when one lights an incense candle, one should put their hopes and dreams on the rising smoke. One does this so that your dreams and wishes can be sent to heaven to be answered. Maybe that is why I sit there? To be inspired. Its a place where I can see dreams take off. Its my place to watch the sunrise. A place for having my G-time. A place to watch the planes touch down and take off. A place to watch the trains go by. Its a place of  change. A place where the journey begins.

Palmdale's Ark
Always felt comfortable in this place of change. It’s the place of excitement. It was the place of blending. It was place of discovery, a place where dreams can take off and become true. After sitting there a few times, started noticing the surroundings. One thing is the boat. One thing is the flag. One things is the plaque. All these things are just something one would not expect in the middle of the desert, but there they are.

Mojave Cross, A Place to Be Honored
Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that it was okay for the Mojave Cross be left alone. Mojave Cross--CSM article There was some court rulings that wanted the removal of the Mojave Cross. It was  placed on Federal grounds,some seventy years ago and due to the separation of church and state belief, people were fighting to have it removed. I understand reasoning why people want it removed. I understand reasoning why people don’t want it removed. Some people just don’t want such religious beliefs to be broadcasted out the universe. Some do.

Graffiti, A Cry To Be Remembered
Not comparing the Mojave Cross, with graffiti. Well, maybe, I am. It is symbolism. It is an act of recognition. It is an act to be remembered. Sometimes the means and methods can misguided.

At times, graffiti  is ugly and does not belong. Don’t necessarily think all graffiti is bad. Grafitti thoughts Call me strange. Some works are just plain beautiful. They say that art is a reflection of a society. Sometimes society is ugly.

When I see graffiti, I try to see the meaning behind it. When I see graffiti on walls, train sections, bridges, signs, I feel somewhat sad. Some say it's a mark of territory. To me, it is just a person wish to remembered. Their best option was a late night, adrenalin filled moment of temporary immortality. Instead of bringing fame, it brings infamy. They don’t care that generally society sees this as ugly. Perhaps it is a defiant call, saying "I am me and I cry out my existence."This I admire, but there other avenues.

Their Goodness Does Not Perish. . .
These undirected cries of individuality is understandable. I believe most of us don’t want to be forgotten.

I don’t know who this BJ person is, but I read an article sometime back in the Valley Press. Pretty lengthy article of this devoted person that would be at the spot, my spot, our spot doing the same thing I was doing. Just watching, parking, be inspired, I don't know. He loved this place so. He loved this place so much that some friends and family made a plaque for this him.

When visiting the cemetery to see Rochelle, Marvin, Tatay, and Mary.  I remember good moments. I remember the love. . .The Love. Their lives are a remembrance of a life lived. A moment where we shared something beautiful. Something meaningful. Something . . .It’s just love.

So when I think of the Mojave Cross, when I think of the plaque, when I write a blog post, I think that I, too, want to be remembered (Hopefully fondly). Maybe its my cry for temporary immortality.When I look at these everything I see the importance of how everything counts. Perhaps instinctively, we know there shall be an end. In time. In history, we would liked to be remembered.  Perhaps, we know, things get erased. Things return to the stardust from which we all came from. 

Let Go, Let God
So enjoy your journey. Create the pleasant memories. Some may try paint mental and emotional graffiti on your art. It happens. So to those that matter--that truly matter-- they will remember the good that you brought in the world. For those that write ugly words, just paint over it. Their view of Love and Life are already warped. They hurt. That is all that they can share with the Universe. In time, they will grow out of childish things. So leave them to find their way. When they grow up, keep your arms and hearts open. In the meantime, Move on. Your ship is sailing and you don't know where it will land. It may be on Sierra Highway and Avenue N.

Life happens so make Life Happen.

Relay for Life: A Relay for Rochelle

Before the Battle Begins
7 am in the morning. Sunroof open. Early sun heating up the desert air. Cars speed by as the day begins. Sitting in the parking lot of Quartz Hill High School. Sounds of commotion is behind me. People with tents and lawn chairs walk into the stadium. Men, women and children wear red and purple handkerchiefs on their shaved heads.  Like new inductee in the Marines, these have happy smiles and serious tone in their walk. Like viking warriors of Valhalla partying the night before the Ragnarok, there is a joy and sense of purpose. 

Its the home for Relay for Life. An all-day and all-night event for those stricken with Cancer. Events start at 9 am Saturday and runs til 9 am the next day. Lots of events are occurring around town. Graffiti Clean up in Palmdale Ponctilan Square. Arbor Day in Santa Clarita. Lakers versus the Thunder playoff game starts today. Where to begin?

Why We Fight?
For me it's easy. Starts with Rochelle. She suffered from cancer some many years ago and being here is what matters. Need to thank her in a special way for effecting my life. Her passing gave me the courage to do things that I was afraid to do. Ask that girl out. Run for an office. Go to Boston leaving family and friends.

Life Ends. Another Begins
Her death gave me life. Never looked back on too many things because her cancer-stricken made me really enjoy life. Being in the hospital in her last few days. Finding an empty room in Cedar Sinai and just crashing on the bed. Hearing her mother cry. It is something I will never forget.

Before, Death used to be something to be feared and angry about. Now, it is just a fact. Death is Life. For some, the tragedy of have a life expired in their prime, it brings sadness. Listening to family sob so deeply. Watching people eyes redden. Don't know anybody that hasn't somebody touched by the Black End. Rochelle and Angels on Earth



Today is a commemoration to all those that faced Cancer and lost. Today is celebration for all those that battle and won. Today is gathering for all those that still struggle on. You want to know about a Hero's Quest. Come to the Relay for Life today. You will see heroes. They are your friends. They your family. They are you.

I said before that I wanted to see really heroes. I wanted to see real life Angels. Well, today is that day. If you want to see them, come to Avenue M and 60th Street West at Quartz Hill High School 9 am April 17 to 9 am April 18, 2010. Relay for Life 2010: Antelope Valley

I hear Heimdall's horn. Time to suit up. HUAA.

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

Tears Are Falling. . .

"Rinnes," I've thought about you said, "Women have expiration dates." Didn't understand at first. It sucks. Don't know if its true. However, there were three of you that felt that way, so there is some general credence. It still sucks. It sucks and it scares me. Biological clock tick tocking away. Beautiful ladies feel their worth diminishes as the time goes by. That blows.

To those that aren't in the know. Couple days ago, I had late night sit down with Rinne's at the Goldfish. Soon to be older (Twenty-one years old again this year), a tall 8th grader femme (I thought she was a high school sophomore), and her mom.These ladies were my company of the pre-workout stint. Hearing them say this to me made me think. Women have expiration dates. She said so eloquently, "The times when men fall at their beck and call is reaching their sunset." Bad service at restaurants to come because of the age-beauty thing--Sad. Men falling at their wink and smile gone.

Life sucks.

The reading group I recently joined are of a different ilk. I get a different presence. They are 50 to 60 ranges. Matriarchs all. I hear a strength and community when I hear them speak. Pity parties Classic version. I say that's a rough what these Goldfish ladies are going through. Blame your Dad for not giving you the Y Chromosome. Little secret, Men don't have it so good either.

Men statistically die much younger than women. Ladies, men don't have that pity parties. Testosterone and society has made us cave dwellers. Lone wolves. Toughing it out alone are our cross that we bear. We sit and ponder. We wonder and wallow talking to old ex-girlfriends and moms about our feelings. Well, this is what my Psychology of Men class said. Ever wonder why men die earlier than their female counterparts. It was postulated that men don't know how to connect as well. They don't know how to communicate their feelings and since no connections. They keep it inside and take Viagra to make them feel younger. They keep their pain inside and men let their pain it eat them up physically. They die alone and sad.

Tough. Being a Y Chromosomer, I wonder if life is worth living without a connection to another. One old buddy of mine Brad would go on male-bitch sessions. We would say we are tired of being Male-Bashed. Blah-blah this and blah-blah that. In way, I've been blessed. I had lots of love when I was younger being First of First. Passed around going to cool places, I gots my share of attention. I had a girlfriend early during puberty and I met my soul mate relatively early too. So I have been lucky. True, there are times that I miss being in a couple, being connected. However, the only connection that I sorely miss is that special one. Hopefully, she lets me in because I really want to know her.

As for relationship-wise, I know life would be better with company. I see that with my Bro and Sis-In-Laws relationship. Jr. High Sweethearts and now three kids. He's even luckier than I am. He was always better a lot of things and I am very proud of him. He's my Hero. However, another one life's answer is found in the movie. "Up In the Air" movie comes to mind. George Clooney and Vera Farmiga are lovers with a twist. Moral of story, George Clooney learns he his ready to connect. The crucible line, the tag, the thing that sums the whole movie in one moment of clarity is this. "Remember all the great moments in your life. They are most likely with someone. Simply put, Life is better with company."

Guess, the reason I like the movie is because I relate with character. Granted what movie don't I make a connection with. . .True. I still like it and that is the story I'm sticking with. Anyways, the late night sit down was with nice ladies was enlightening and upsetting. Goldfish Mom had life issues and needed love. Apparently, she discovered her three year relationship was a lie. Her significant other was not-so-significant. He was also no-so-faithful--was not really divorcing his wife--not so monotonous having other gaming girlfriends. Nice guy. But I'm sure the signs were all there and the fantasy she had dreamt up was just a comedy.

No, that's not nice.

This is one of those "I'm looking at the cliff thinking about jumping off" moments. Hopefully, this is the time where she sees the light. She wises up and gets stronger. This is going to be her Halle Berry Boomerang moment. She'll toughen up and the right guy will come where she least expects it.

She was in pain. Could see it her eyes and hear it her tone. Body language showed she was fronting strength, hiding deep, deep pain. Now, I understand after this little diatribe. Sorry, light clicked in my head. Her pain was deep, so deep. Simply, she wanted to connect. Connect with something real. Connect and grow.

It reminds me of the many flowers in the dessert. Poppy festival is happening next month. The city of Lancaster has two day event at Lancaster Park. Besides the carnival food and games, the dance recitals, the arts and crafts, the city does something nice. They used to--I don't know if they still do--They would bus people to go see the Poppy Fields. Oceans and oceans of yellow poppies . When you see them, you can not help but smile.

So much potential. So much beauty. If no one would goes and appreciates the beauty these poppies possess, nothing dramatic would happen. Poppies would go and still be poppies. This is okay. Yet, when people can look and see their beauty, one has got to smile. It transforms these desert flowers to something more. Life showers them with sun and rain. Yet, life has been cloudy for Rinne's friend right now. She feels her leaves are falling and no one has gotten to see her flourish. She feels like fertilizer has dropped and it stinks right now. These moments will make her stronger. Crap still feels like crap. I understand her pain now. She wants to make a connection like many of us do. The tears are falling and she feels no one knows.

I am beginning to understand why I am going to church so much lately. I don't feel as alone. I don't feel as unloved. I don't feel so lost. My connection--this spiritual renewal/ rebirth--has given me new found energy that was always there. My own self-love was not enough.

My connection with this Higher Power has healed and strengthened my heart to give more--to be more--to love more. Master Yoda gave me his Star Wars sticker book yesterday and I almost cried. He loves this book. Yet, he wanted to share with me. We name the characters in the book together. I colored a picture for him. He plays lightsaber fights with me with spoons and forks. I talk to Prece about Muhammad Ali and "Ali, Boma Ye" I worked on a Chumash Indian Project and recorded whale sounds. These are the moments that counts.

I know I have missed much with M. I see her pics D gave me and I know. That coy smile and I know. . .I know I missed much. Too much. Rinne's friend made me realize that people are sometimes lost. They don't see their own light. They don't know that a connection is there. Rinne and I spoke and we came to the conclusion her friends needs to listen to heart. Hopefully this message will not gone for naught. Hope she finds strength in herself and realize loves out there. Its hard right now for her. I know.

Well, I have been sitting in the lot too long. Got to end blog. Morning Mass started and I need to connect.