Tears Are Falling. . .

"Rinnes," I've thought about you said, "Women have expiration dates." Didn't understand at first. It sucks. Don't know if its true. However, there were three of you that felt that way, so there is some general credence. It still sucks. It sucks and it scares me. Biological clock tick tocking away. Beautiful ladies feel their worth diminishes as the time goes by. That blows.

To those that aren't in the know. Couple days ago, I had late night sit down with Rinne's at the Goldfish. Soon to be older (Twenty-one years old again this year), a tall 8th grader femme (I thought she was a high school sophomore), and her mom.These ladies were my company of the pre-workout stint. Hearing them say this to me made me think. Women have expiration dates. She said so eloquently, "The times when men fall at their beck and call is reaching their sunset." Bad service at restaurants to come because of the age-beauty thing--Sad. Men falling at their wink and smile gone.

Life sucks.

The reading group I recently joined are of a different ilk. I get a different presence. They are 50 to 60 ranges. Matriarchs all. I hear a strength and community when I hear them speak. Pity parties Classic version. I say that's a rough what these Goldfish ladies are going through. Blame your Dad for not giving you the Y Chromosome. Little secret, Men don't have it so good either.

Men statistically die much younger than women. Ladies, men don't have that pity parties. Testosterone and society has made us cave dwellers. Lone wolves. Toughing it out alone are our cross that we bear. We sit and ponder. We wonder and wallow talking to old ex-girlfriends and moms about our feelings. Well, this is what my Psychology of Men class said. Ever wonder why men die earlier than their female counterparts. It was postulated that men don't know how to connect as well. They don't know how to communicate their feelings and since no connections. They keep it inside and take Viagra to make them feel younger. They keep their pain inside and men let their pain it eat them up physically. They die alone and sad.

Tough. Being a Y Chromosomer, I wonder if life is worth living without a connection to another. One old buddy of mine Brad would go on male-bitch sessions. We would say we are tired of being Male-Bashed. Blah-blah this and blah-blah that. In way, I've been blessed. I had lots of love when I was younger being First of First. Passed around going to cool places, I gots my share of attention. I had a girlfriend early during puberty and I met my soul mate relatively early too. So I have been lucky. True, there are times that I miss being in a couple, being connected. However, the only connection that I sorely miss is that special one. Hopefully, she lets me in because I really want to know her.

As for relationship-wise, I know life would be better with company. I see that with my Bro and Sis-In-Laws relationship. Jr. High Sweethearts and now three kids. He's even luckier than I am. He was always better a lot of things and I am very proud of him. He's my Hero. However, another one life's answer is found in the movie. "Up In the Air" movie comes to mind. George Clooney and Vera Farmiga are lovers with a twist. Moral of story, George Clooney learns he his ready to connect. The crucible line, the tag, the thing that sums the whole movie in one moment of clarity is this. "Remember all the great moments in your life. They are most likely with someone. Simply put, Life is better with company."

Guess, the reason I like the movie is because I relate with character. Granted what movie don't I make a connection with. . .True. I still like it and that is the story I'm sticking with. Anyways, the late night sit down was with nice ladies was enlightening and upsetting. Goldfish Mom had life issues and needed love. Apparently, she discovered her three year relationship was a lie. Her significant other was not-so-significant. He was also no-so-faithful--was not really divorcing his wife--not so monotonous having other gaming girlfriends. Nice guy. But I'm sure the signs were all there and the fantasy she had dreamt up was just a comedy.

No, that's not nice.

This is one of those "I'm looking at the cliff thinking about jumping off" moments. Hopefully, this is the time where she sees the light. She wises up and gets stronger. This is going to be her Halle Berry Boomerang moment. She'll toughen up and the right guy will come where she least expects it.

She was in pain. Could see it her eyes and hear it her tone. Body language showed she was fronting strength, hiding deep, deep pain. Now, I understand after this little diatribe. Sorry, light clicked in my head. Her pain was deep, so deep. Simply, she wanted to connect. Connect with something real. Connect and grow.

It reminds me of the many flowers in the dessert. Poppy festival is happening next month. The city of Lancaster has two day event at Lancaster Park. Besides the carnival food and games, the dance recitals, the arts and crafts, the city does something nice. They used to--I don't know if they still do--They would bus people to go see the Poppy Fields. Oceans and oceans of yellow poppies . When you see them, you can not help but smile.

So much potential. So much beauty. If no one would goes and appreciates the beauty these poppies possess, nothing dramatic would happen. Poppies would go and still be poppies. This is okay. Yet, when people can look and see their beauty, one has got to smile. It transforms these desert flowers to something more. Life showers them with sun and rain. Yet, life has been cloudy for Rinne's friend right now. She feels her leaves are falling and no one has gotten to see her flourish. She feels like fertilizer has dropped and it stinks right now. These moments will make her stronger. Crap still feels like crap. I understand her pain now. She wants to make a connection like many of us do. The tears are falling and she feels no one knows.

I am beginning to understand why I am going to church so much lately. I don't feel as alone. I don't feel as unloved. I don't feel so lost. My connection--this spiritual renewal/ rebirth--has given me new found energy that was always there. My own self-love was not enough.

My connection with this Higher Power has healed and strengthened my heart to give more--to be more--to love more. Master Yoda gave me his Star Wars sticker book yesterday and I almost cried. He loves this book. Yet, he wanted to share with me. We name the characters in the book together. I colored a picture for him. He plays lightsaber fights with me with spoons and forks. I talk to Prece about Muhammad Ali and "Ali, Boma Ye" I worked on a Chumash Indian Project and recorded whale sounds. These are the moments that counts.

I know I have missed much with M. I see her pics D gave me and I know. That coy smile and I know. . .I know I missed much. Too much. Rinne's friend made me realize that people are sometimes lost. They don't see their own light. They don't know that a connection is there. Rinne and I spoke and we came to the conclusion her friends needs to listen to heart. Hopefully this message will not gone for naught. Hope she finds strength in herself and realize loves out there. Its hard right now for her. I know.

Well, I have been sitting in the lot too long. Got to end blog. Morning Mass started and I need to connect.