Marriage By ROSELYN NADONZA

Re-posted from Facebook.

WRITTEN BY MS ROSELYN NADONZA

To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...
 
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly. 

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew.

I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. 

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. 

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. 

But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. 

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. 

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.





On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. 




She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. 

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 



On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. 

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. 

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. 

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do you have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

THANK YOU ROSELYN NADONZA

Think It's Time

September, Goodbye. I barely knew you

Don’t know what happened that made you go so fast.  Been silent these last couple of weeks. Cocooning wondering what these next three months of 2010 will bring. Tasked out some stuff I would like to see and do. Don’t know if I will write or blog anymore. Not sure. Seems of late that times of silence and times of reflections are coming these winter months.

Many things I have been seen these last 9 months. Many things I've done and still I would like to do. Don’t know if I will be FBing either. Twitting has been silent lately. Think this social network may be running its course.

Don’t know where this is all coming from. Just seems its time to get back to basics. Handwrite  letters. Make phone calls instead of texting and messaging. Time to look people in the face instead of photo album of Facebook.

Met some many nice people Saayidah and the Artists Way group. Writing groups, too. Had fun at the Eyeopener Toastmasters. Had fun at Chess Club. Enjoyed  the roadtrip with Jason to No Cal and back. Connected with long-missed friends. Steven, Tammy, Elaine, Corrines, Lisa, Miriam, April, LeeAnn, Cynthia,  Diane, Michelle, Ramandeep, Ramsin, Marc. Sorry to see some people leave, Heather, Dana, Mary. Sorry never had a chance to really connect Brian and M. Met via FB family members I never knew, Minnie, Aunty Mary,Winnel, Roselyn, Rosette, Mark, Larry, Pia, Barbara and Aunty Pat. Reconnected with cousins and aunts that made think how too much time has passed. However, time seems to be calling for something more. Time to introspect. Time to Inspect. Time Its time for something, different.

A few days my computer crashed and I lost some of my pictures, music, and documents. It was bit disheartening. However, it was time for a mass cleaning anyways. Life has been feeling cluttered. My  computer tech guy will be bringing whatever documents and pics he can. However, it is time to cocoon. Time to Feng Shui. This computer loss was not as bad as I initially thought.

These last nine months I need to expand and fill gaps, but something thinks its time to contract. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the time of the year. Maybe it’s a friend sending vibes to come in. Don’t know. Whatever, the need to write and share has been a hitting a wall of late. Think it’s time for a new direction. Time to finish this series. Next few months will be flying by. Halloween, Kevin and Angelo’s Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. It is time to fill my life with more stories. Time to process.

Started writing because I had something to say. Now not so much. Think its time to listen and enjoy the present now. Don’t think right now what the future holds, but I know that its time to sit and pray and gym it. It is time to Bucket List again.Time to get with the Big Smile on a more one-on-one.

Just want to thank the Big Smile for all that has been given. Thank you for all the family and friends I met. Thank you for the sights seen and experiences had. Thank you letting me share some of the things I have learned and seen. As a person said, “It’s better with company.”

This is not goodbye or anything. It is just time for bucket listing. Then Bucket Doing.

Who knows tomorrow? I might go on a run of posting. At this moment in time, September 30, 2010, it seems to reflect and rejoice.  Whatever tomorrow brings I want to thank the universe for giving me everything I ever needed. For those that commented and emailed me, thank you so much for your kind words.

Think its time to go.

Choice: Get Up Or Stay Down

Fresno-bound. Five in the morning and we should be at the hospital around noon or earlier. Sitting in the back seat, not driving. Yeah!!! Couldn’t find my phone charger. Nor could I find my extra batteries for my camera. Guess, I will charge with the laptop when the moment comes. Rather have the backup, Cest la vie. We’ll see. Either way, not so bad. 

Headed to a hospital. Learned that a distant cousin stroked. Tough. Learned she is loaded; however, not being able to enjoy is not so fun. We are given gifts and challenges that we all must face. 

Learned that the word, Agon means the ability to endure pain. Hence the word agony. Found this out from a DVD about the First Olympics. Haven’t seen the movie in its entirety. I however learned something.

They had this discussion about boxing, wrestling, and cromantics (I think). Cromantics is much like UFC. Except all these people are naked. Actually, they were all men. No slaves. No women. Just naked men competing. Fun? Well, naked women are more my taste. However, it is what it is.

This will be the second time in two weeks that I will be visiting someone in the hospital. Not sure that I am up to this. Don’t like to see someone in Agon. It hurts in the soul. From what I understand, she does not have use of her legs and her speech is slurred. The lady I saw last week at Kaiser had a valve replacement. She is laid up and she said spiraling down several times which troubled me.

Ancient Greeks admired athlete's ability to endure pain and deliver pain. To survive. To struggle. Not much has changed since then. Whenever, I watch UFC or Manny Pacquiao, I enjoy the culmination of years of hard work and training in the visual spectacle of a person’s everything. Putting the body, mind, and soul in this never ending battle. A battle to reach some supreme level.If they win or not, it is the struggle that find entertaining.

This something seems universal. Admiration to go above and beyond. Look at Lance Armstrong, conqueror of cancer and seven time Tour de France winner. Look at Michael Jordan, two-time three peater, after death of father and less than spectacular baseball stint. Look at Manny Pacuiao coming up from the dark days of bar room fights to fighting in the Dallas Cowboy Stadium.

Why is this? Why do we enjoy these struggles? I think it is ability to get back up after being knocked down. It is enduring, to move on when. Guess, the reason I am having the hard time going to the hospital is the dark side of the movie. It is the down and out. It is the hurtful angry time when things do not seem fair. Admittedly, I was feeling down and depressed of late, “living in turmoil and distraught” Maybe it is chemical, but I’ve been feeling sad.

Thing is horoscope said that all this reflection and self-analysis is nice, but like looking at two mirrors facing each others. Staring at reflection after reflection after reflection. A decision must be made to act. A decision to get better. Get stronger. To get back in the ring. So the hospital to me is the time before the decision is made. A time stuck in the reflection. A moment of pause.

For some time, my brother said something that seemed very profound. He does not want  work in physical therapy, because there are people there that do not want to be there and heal. They rather lay down and remain in pain. Being angry at life events. Staying at the place staring in the mirror, indecisive. This was a large reason why I chose to work at the gym I wanted to be in a place where people wanted to heal themselves and get stronger. Perhaps this is why he is a coach. Be in a place where they accept competition and struggle. Where delivering and enduring pain is common and expected.

Perhaps this is why the reason, so many are choosing careers in health care. To see struggle and survival at its most basic level. To see one face reality for the first time, after years of lying to themselves and self-destruction, it is time where one decides to get back again. I should qualify that. With people eating themselves to obesity, overdosing on narcotics, and other lifestyle related illness. We see people take their first steps to becoming who they need to be.

Given there are relapses, but the road to recovery, the road to discovery is always the right one. Road to getting better is something that energizes. It is something that makes us want to get up and dance. So going to the hospital is just a minor awkward moment before one decides to get back up or to stay down. Thing is that it feels like forever. So when one stops looking at the countless reflections of the mirror, chasing the endless tail, one can take a moment and decide. Get up or stay down. 

Hopefully, I will see that today when I go to the hospital. I’d like to see another hero today