Needing Wings

Dear Santa,

I need a lift.

Three days until Christmas. Still got a couple gifts to go, Santa. Can't say, I am the same place I was a year ago. Health has declined a bit. Not upbeat as I was last year. Not sure where this is from, but I have been feeling tired and sad. Don't have that same energy and not having that warmth as last year. I've mean I seen more. I've done more than the year before, but just not feeling the Joy.

Can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. . .

Going to church weekly. Saying my prayers. Knocked a few things off the bucket list. Actually, a lot. Feeling more of the decline than the rise. Wish I had a more positive outlook, but just not feeling that heart hug.

This is a choice and I know this, Get up or stay down.

Santa, I don't want any material gifts.

Maybe if you can help me with a lift my mood?

Its my diet. Its my exercise (or lack thereof). It is my not posting as much as I used to do. Its Rodney and his family leaving for the Philippines. Its is the trouble that Chris is having with his Mom. It is trouble with Abs and Dela. It is the stoppage. It is my medication. It is my isolation.

It is Rinne's Wedding. It is the weather and time of the year. It is not making progress with Em. It is seeing Dad's funeral for the first time. It was visiting Mike. It was not seeing Tatay and Rochelle as before.

Perhaps it is the stuff, Jace was having with his family. Perhaps, it Dennise's new babe. Maybe it is the way this year, and the last couple of years has just flew by.

Maybe I am not playing enough? Perhaps it is the economy? Perhaps its the country's joblessness? Perhaps, it the super committee and politics as usual keep government at a stand still? Maybe it is Protesters Occupying everywhere? Maybe it is 2012?


Maybe it not enough of somethings. Perhaps, its too much of other things. Maybe it is the Lakers losing two in a row against the Clippers. Do I need more music in my life? Do I need less traffic and taxes? It is everything and nothing.

These were the same issues I have had before, but just not feeling the Flow. I can overcome these mole hills.

Santa, I know this is simply temporary. A phase. I know this. I don't like it here. I don't belong here.
Don't want to seem ungrateful, because I am truly blessed with all that you have given. Guess, this is my call for a lift.

Big Smile, I am asking to for some wings so I can be lifted.

Right Here, Right Now

Million Miles Begins With One Step

Only So Many Miles

According to a Google, average life expectancy of one born in America is 67.2 years. This translates to almost 59,000 hours.  Let’s say, 60,000 optimistically. A third of that is gone due to sleep. I wrote about this once, but I think we need to be reminded once in awhile about the importance of right now is. what-have-you-done-for-365-days post

2011

Day Worth Living is a Day Worth Documenting

Been keeping a journal for this year, it is filled with ticket stubs, library receipts, and miscellaneous functions I have attended.  Every day is a gift. Imagine all the things you have seen this last day. It is these precious moments that we realize that there is so much wonderment out there in the vastness of space.

Last Lunar Eclipse for a Couple of Years

Just A Phase

Heard on NPR last night an interview of an attendee of the Griffith Park Observatory Lunar Eclipse viewing. Three or four hundred  people on the lawn gathering in the middle of the city to watch the night get darker than what it is. What struck me is said he felt insignificant. He said he was touched by philosophically, psychologically, spiritually, metaphysically, blah, blah, blah. I think he just got hit by the adverb comet. To Me, being alive is Significant. If we aren't, then why are we here?  In each minute, life has something to offer.

Sights to See

Look Up

I am not the traveling monster as my cousin Barbara—Portugal,  Spain, Dubai, Australia, and so on. Nor am I like a former schoolmate, Edgar. Peru, Russia, and more. It is just that we experience so much in each minute. 

Through A Child's Eyes

New View, New Perspective

Pat, a friend’s mother was housebound. She was legally blind and sat in her chair most days with her wiener dogs, but she had some tales. Oprah and the like kept her apprised of what was going on and important. Didn’t really appreciate her situation and was a bit critical. However, my view has changed. 

We may need a moment. May need assistance. We may need to give a moment. We may need to give assistance

We All Fall Down

Her husband was also vision impaired, but he was something, too. Riding his bike everywhere. Being a respected instructor for some troubled kids in elementary. It was something. His stories of kids being on themselves, spitting at the teacher’s aide, and threats of bodily harm—I don’t know if had that much patience and control.

Injured, but won anyways. Heart goes a long ways

Hard Won Victory

I was told by my optometrist that I will have cataracts and though it is not present yet, I will undergo some challenges. Going Blind. . .wow.  It could happen so I won’t dwell on it. I am just saying what we see in the course of one day is not to be taken lightly. It is quite something. 

Inches We Need Are Everywhere Around Us

Artwork from an Ice Cube

Not going to harp on the choices people make regarding television. To some it offers worlds, I would never imagine experiencing. History Channel with Swamp People and Monsterquest. USA with Burn Notice, Covert Affairs, and NCIS. Hardcore Pawn, Cartoon Network, and Diners, Drive-In and Dives. Sure it is a dramatized version and cut in ways that are extracting much of the story. 

Also known as a car

Moments Can Change the World

I liken it to reading a novel, watching a movie,  looking at a painting, or having a gustatory moment with Anthony Bourdain. This is just a snippet of what is out there. A quick flash of just that moment.  Forever gone once its past. Sure, what is life without a little drama. For some, drama is what is interesting.

Tied a Note to A Balloon and set aloft

Message From Heaven

All I want to do is put out there is remind one of Now. Being Present. Being present to all the gifts the Universe offers. Thank you Big Smile for all that you have given. During the Holiday season it is one gift that we need to remember that is always there.

Samsara

Our paths crossed but a few times. However, our lives are intertwined. Brief were our visits, but long and life lasting. A mousy smile. Brown short hair, eyes that smiled with a knowingness. They say in romantic stories, that when I am with you I became a better person. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Didn’t like who I was becoming when I was with you. I fear that being with you I would be behind bars. This is an uncomfortable thing to discover. Looking back, I didn't see the anger and fear. Didn't understand the hostility. Maybe it was a test. Maybe it was just stuff. In the end, I fear my stuff was holding back at seeing the bigger picture. What I should have been learning with our encounters was Karma. What I remember is broken furniture and holes in the walls. There was more and I didn't see it at the time.

If asked if I loved you, the answer would be,“Yes.” Why it didn't work I will leave it to Karma and the Big Smile to reveal at another time. You had a way of touching me--connecting with me--that I will never understand. An attraction was there, but not in this lifetime. I am sorry that it didn’t work out and I am sorry for more things I can never explain or express.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Little consolation I imagine, but they are sent nonetheless.

In Samsara, the concept of transmigration and reincarnation, it is said we live 8 stages of life. Two from the past. Four for our present. Two for the next one.  In a story, it is said that people that we Love (and Hate) are forever intertwined. We had stuff from another life. Perhaps I was your wife and you my husband, Whatever it was, the stuff from a past had us keep us connecting. This I am sure of. 

Time has passed and I hope that we connect again. Stuff between us is still stuff between us. It is said, in some religious beliefs, they claims that we choose our parents at birth. It is this wish to desire the experience of a body that we are reborn, reincarnated. 

A thought exercise comes to mind. In one word, describe your Dad. In word, describe your Mom. You are the result, the combination of the two. They have life lessons to teach and you are the result of their teachings. Consequently, your life lesson teachers your kin how to answer their own transmigratory lesson plan.

If so, the mother and father I chose, I am thankful and grateful. Given freedom, given protection, given life traits I am still discovering. I would go on about Mom on this Mother’s Day, but everyday our Mother’s should be honored. Taking time one day out of the year to give thanks to all that our mother has given and sacrificed would fall woefully low. It is like asking how many angels can fit on top of a pin? It is like finding that point where the Earth ends and the Heaven begins. It is like telling someone you always loved , but haven’t seen, how much you love them.  I’ve been blessed with a great mother. I’ve been blessed with a special woman.

Robynn, you are a special woman and I pray on this day that our lives will connect again. Next time I am not sure when, but I hope its on happier and better terms. Samsara, Karma, Dharma—I’m sure they will take its course and I hope down road when our paths come together again we may take one that will bring smiles in our lives. 

Vasquez Rocks: Easter 2011

This has by far has been the most viewed post on my blog. Vasquez Rocks: Easter post I believe I need to give an 2011 update. Been regular with church and I’ve even been asked to be Godfather for niece’s cousin. It is an honor to be asked. It will be second time.  Looked up the duties of being a Godfather and it’s not like the Al Pacino or Marlon Brandon movies. It says to be in responsible for the spiritual development of your charge.

In a ways, it is like Qi-Gong and Obi Wan Kenobi. Like Yoda and Luke. Jedi and Padawan. Its great honor and great responsibility. It reminds of time when I was asked to be a mentor in my fraternity from the pledge class. His name is Syed. A great guy.  The task of taking someone under your wing to show them the ropes.

Spiritual development requires certain sacrifices. It means being ready and to be a model. It means to expect, than inspect certain behaviors. Two days ago, I was called by the one of the fathers asking if I would be attending Priestly Vocation dinner.  Honestly, I have thought about it. Really, I have got a ways to go before making a commitment like that. When I brought it up to someone as joke and as a way to gauge another’s reaction, it surprised me when he said, “Why not? I could see you doing that.” It really surprised and it got me thinking.

A lot has happened, since Easter last year. My attitude and my belief system has been developing. Precepts I held strong, I’ve begun to question. Been reading the Bible study guide and visiting churches and missions whenever I can. Been exploring the realm of religion and its meaning. I’ve been asked to dinner and my heart has been opened.

Been making real efforts to be more with family. Visiting when I can and reaching out all the time. Projects important to me is a family tree. Scanning photos, updating charts, and attending parties. Had a few friend’s parents pass away and I think of my uncles and aunts whose hair has been graying and running away. They have been my guides, my mentors. Now it is my turn.

When I think of Easter, I think of ACE Catholicism. Ash Wednesday, Christmas and Easter. I think of the time of sacrifice and Lent. I think of Passover and the story of Pesach post. I think of the egg tosses at family get-togethers and climbing Vasquez Rocks. The story of the Passion and the parallelism and meaning of the entire story. Easter celebration I discovered is a season long celebration. A time of regeneration and Hope.

When I think of Vasquez Rocks and Easter, it marks a measure of spiritual development. I was asked on Easter Day to be a Godfather. Wow, much has changed since I was here last. We are not given things we can not handle. Always felt that and now its time to put it to the test. Need to prepare myself for another to grow and develop. 

Today, I went birthday buffet. Two of my cousin’s kids came up to me and gave me a hug. Out of the blue. One still doesn’t have my name down, but looking into his eyes, he knows me. Another, she’s got personality and demands attention.

Read in one of my FB friend’s notes. She had a variation of the Defense of God argument. Defense of Big Smile post In her note, a student and professor were debating the existence of the Big Smile.  At one point, it was asked. Has anyone seen the professor’s brain?  After the classroom laughter, the student asked, “Has anyone seen, touched, felt, smelled, heard, tasted the professor’s brain?” Class, responded, “No, then according to the rules of deduction then your brain doesn’t exist.”  Same logic used to by the professor to disprove God is the same logic used to disprove the professor has a brain. It’s not a game of “I got you”; it’s just the discovery of flaw of reasoning and false premises.

My role as Godfather  to my charge  is develop the skills and tools for spiritual development. Easter, I’ve learned so much that I know that I know so little. Abs, Pops, Jes—Thank you for considering me and I will do my best to train this young one.     

What I'm Afraid of. . .

It was a message on the radio. That’s all it was, A PBS Special. This is what I told myself.

It was more. A lot more and I knew it. It was a message for me.

The Angel in my room was screaming at me, but I didn’t listen. Heard it loud and clear. It is one of those crossroads in your life when you know you are making a huge mistake and I didn’t listen. No, I heard the message, but I was telling myself different. It is wrong and I needed to act. It is that moment of regret in life that we know we should do otherwise. I wasn’t alone Gabriel was with me.

I failed and I knew it.

Can’t say I didn’t know how it happens. Studied it myself. Social Psych taught me much. Stanley Milgrom was his name and he showed how the world how easily everyday people can fall down the path of disrepair, of disappointment, of dissolution. People wondered how the Germany people allowed the Holocaust to happen. Kitty Genovese screamed and cried, “Help”  all through the night. No one did anything, except turn on lights and open doors. Her attacker left and came back. Being closed-eye bystanders we become.

We walk by people all the time. We ignore the ones with the signs. We shake our heads“No” as a mother comes in to Panera with her son, asking for money. We can’t even look them in the eyes.  We refuse to look. No, not in the eyes. Eyes are where we connect. It's them eyes where my soul meets yours. I don't connect. Making connection. . .that connection. . .Woe is us that we can’t look people in the eye. See their eyes, study the pain in their face. Woe is us. We are strong and we can't help with their pain. Can’t face your problems. It may become mine. Its my physical denial. I pretend others will help. I pretend that I can't help. I pretend there is something wrong with you. I pretend . . .

My problem is staring me in the face. Its not just their problem, it is all our problem. A bad paycheck, a poor performance review, and an angry and we can find ourselves being on the other side of that stare.

In Norse folklore, Odin, King of the Gods, would test the compassion of humans. Disguising himself as a wayward traveler. If the family took him in was nice and hospitable, a gift would be left.  If they were rude, the family's life would not be pleasant.

It is in the look in the eyes. It’s how we connect. When we fail to connect, we not only let others down, we let down the Big Smile. True, we have difficulty looking at the down trodden. We can do something, but don’t. Yes, we don’t. A simple act can make a world of difference. It’s we just don’t. Perhaps we were duped before. Perhaps we had not the means. Perhaps we didn't let the wayward stranger in, and our lives are now not pleasant. 

We don’t hold ourselves accountable for one another. We don’t make that step. That next step. I failed, like many of others have failed. A cry for help and we turned a blind’s eye. I did this. I did this. I did this. I did not listen to the Gabriel screaming at me and I fear that it will come back to me. This is a selfish fear. Dharma may come back to me to teach a lesson I should have embraced.  I am afraid of something happening to my nephew, my nieces, my Em. I fear being homeless and not receiving forgiveness. I fear not doing the right thing and not having a family. I fear xenophobes. I fear atrocities done in name of religion. 

I fear I become what I am afraid to look at. 

Door Closed. . .

A missed flight and the trajectory of his life changed forever. A crash he was never in. A bigger purpose he had. Music was his love, but another Love—Bigger and Better—was found. Was it better? Was it bigger? This I do not know. But I would like to think so.

A higher calling was found and he answered. Ministering and calling those who will listen and have audience for the Big Smile.

It’s funny how an accident here can have a lasting effect on all those that follow. Perspectives change. Attitudes are re-examined. Anger, denial, bargaining fills the void. We ask hard questions of ourselves. We make decisions and we got to live with them.  We go askew. We discover our detour leads to a life never imagined. Cross roads in our lives leads us to places we were supposed to go. We make decisions. We need take these life lessons in order to make us ready for decisions in front of us.

He spoke with me in confidence once. Not sure if he was sensing my dilemma or maybe he was unburdening the heavy weight on his soul. Whatever the reason, I found solace and serenity in his letting down his guard. A  man of God, he spoke. He was angry, deeply angry at the Big Smile. This one afternoon, we were sitting just waiting for his daughter, my friend.  He said at times he goes out in the desert to scream, Scream at God. Don’t recall how the conversation evolved for him to say these words, but they brought comfort to me.

Why?  One may ask. Life had been changing for me in clips I wasn’t ready for. Rochelle passed from cancer and I was angry. So angry. Got mad at Father, Teachers, Friends. Moved away from friends I liked. Gone from a place that was my Home. Embarrassed by life circumstances and angry with everything at the moment, he said he would go out at the desert and scream at God. Wow, this was a concept that blew me away. How can someone be angry at God? How can someone minster the word and be angry at the one has given the word? He said, he loved God, but at times did not understand the mysteries in front of him. There was a rage. He was troubled by this dilemma. Being angry at the one he loved.

It never registered such a concept existed. Thought I was in outer space. The one that bestows the many gifts of life can also fire such anger and animosity. Can people can be angry with the Big Smile? Guess, they can. He said, he did. This made it easier for me. Life situation happened. One could love family and friends and still be angry with them. I just loved who they are and that was enough. I forgave them for cross words and impolite unpleasantries. However, being angry at God made it okay to be angry and others.  I knew that being angry was short-lived emotion and I knew these feelings would pass. It made okay to love my Loved Ones, but be angry at their behaviors.

I was never quick to anger. However, once the fuse was lit, the fire would be hard to quench. Burn, baby. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, let the mother fucker burn. Burn mother fucker. Burn. Burn. Burn. This was the attitude I had at the time. Held it for some time, but did not know it at the time. Just the way I did things. I used this fire to accomplish some things.  Things I was proud of. It was just sublimation. It worked for me at the time.

Having feelings that were alien to my belief system did not sync. It brought me incongruity, a disjointedness. His words brought me peace knowing the Big Carl had feelings similar to mine. I was angry at life and couldn’t blame the people around because they were dealing with similar stuff. It wasn’t their fault, but I still felt angry. Angry at who? God, but I just didn’t know it at the time. Sure there were others that I had legitimate beef with, but that too has passed.

That simple conversation made a world of difference on my attitude of life. Could have remained angry. Could have projected on to others who didn’t deserve it. Could have denied the feelings and beliefs with myself. Could have kept on sublimating, but that would not resolved the true root cause.  

Its not easy at times to deal with the challenges we face. Its not without purpose we go through the trials. There is purpose and meaning to events in our lives. Perhaps it is the human condition rationalizing incredible events? Perhaps it is make believe that we live in and there is not Big Smile at all. However, I don’t think that is true.  Could be atheist and believe no God exist.  Or I could be an agnostic and hedge my bets. Or I can believe that there is the Alpha/ Omega and there is bigger plan to all the chaotic randomness we live in. At times, things are taken from us because we need to go a different way. Had to do this with my nephew because continuing in certain behaviors would be worse. At the time, I didn't see the big picture. I did not understand the Bigger purpose. 

Inspiration, understanding, free will—these are gifts that we must all cherish. Choice is yours. Messages are all around.  All I can say is this keep your eyes and your heart open. Carl, thank you for sharing with me. It helped me to let go and let God.