Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

Just Waking Up In the Morning Gotta thank . . .Big Smile (Part 1 of 2)

Did not get much sleep last night. Can’t tell you how happy that made me feel. Got home in bed at 2:30 am. My adventure started in the Antelope Valley to Del Amo/ Torrance to Burbank to Bel Air to Pasadena and then back home. It was great. Saw Hana Sushi. Saw the National Cemetary. Saw the 6967. Saw the bar of Yes Man. Drove the green, green mountains of highway 14. What was the greatest part of the entire adventure, it was seeing family.

Left late afternoon around 3:30 from Palmdale. It was late, in that, I had much commuter traffic to go deal with. Everyone would be getting off work and would make the 405 a parking lot. Yet, this day was different. After logging many wasted hours sitting on the freeway, I knew the battle ahead. For some reason,  the roads parted from Palmdale on ramp to the Crenshaw Blvd exit. Got there an hour earlier than planned. Had time to just take it in and say my thanks to the Big Smile. Took to amazing pics, too.

Birthday Wishes Come Early
You know its my birthday in two days. Got my gift a couple days earlier than expected. Got a birthday wish from a beautiful high school friend I went on a dance with. Got another birthday message from a Vampire Wars friend. (I promise to return thank yous after I finishing typing these magical moments)

My gift was seeing my second cousin’s 5th Birthday. It was pretty awesome. A new family. Kids had a birthday habit (genetics, I guess). I had the same issue. We knew cakes felt lonely. Birthday cake is just sitting on the table not being appreciated. . .well,  you got to appreciate. Its lonely. So much activity all around. Kids playing with toys. Family cooking. Laughing, smiling, and the cake gets nothing. Kids are in tune to unhappy vibes of the cake. Well, they want to show love so, kids take swipes of the frosting. Yummm. Inexperience. They need someone to show them the way. Lucky for them I was there to show the way. 

Cake Taster, Birthday Boy's Responsibility
Kids don’t take fingers swipes at the top of the cake. You take it at the bottom. On the sides. Take swipes where no one can see cake divots. The obligatory pictures and Birthday song time are simply too long. Sugar bliss right there, come on. Patience is a virtue; however, one can always for Forgiveness. Cakes want to be eaten. Kids want to eat cake. One can only guess outcome. Plus, there is an unsaid birthday celebrant's responsibility. Who checks the cake is up to birthday standards? It is the responsibility of the celebrant. Don't forget, its his damn party. What are you going to do not eat the cake? Are you not going to sing him birthday? Come on. It his duty to make sure the cake is good. If not, let’s just call the whole thing off. Enough said about that.

Beautiful Home Filled With Love
Went to a beautiful home. With beautiful family, with lots and lots of family and friends. People I never knew until a few days back. You see, I hardly know anyone on my late father’s side. Chelle was gracious to invite her to home to celebrate her son’s birthday. There has been a calling for me to learn more about my Dad's side of the family. I am glad I went. It was incredible. Not only was the eats great. I mean great. No, I mean outstanding. Ribs perfect. Grilled eggplant and peppers. Suvaki--just delicious. Her husband is Greek and manages a Greek restaurant. You know the food was outstanding.

The whole time was full of love. Lots and lots. . .lots of Love. So many things revealed. So many questions answered by a glorious trip.  First, one was greeted by yips and yaps of the furry three. Tiny. Reminds me of Tina, my fearless Chihuahua that loves swimming with the ducks. Smiling hand-sized dogs. The door opened and I was greeted by a  great big smile and warm loving hug. It was cousin Michelle. It was . . .Home.

Don’t get me wrong I love my family. It was different. Kind of like chocolate. I mean there’s three musketeers. The Twix. Hershey Kiss. Its just a new flavor the family of Chocolate. It felt, smelt, tasted, looked, and sounded like. . .Home. Could’ve burst into tears. Just not the guy thing to do. Inside. It was something.  If you ever watch the movie Joy Luck Club at the end, it was like that.It’s just its been a whole lifetime. More than a quarter of decade since I seen Chelle. What I remember Chell, she was the short, skinny girl that Dolph and Robert picked on.  “Cuz” was what she called me. Awesome. Great ear to ear smile. Her presence just fills the room.

Husband a strong, good man. Ex-Judo guy. I've seen his type at Gold's Gym before. Body builder-type. Walks with an air of confidence and strength. He has "If I want to kick your ass air, I love family deeply and I know how to get shit done" air about him. I love that. Well, their home was filled with toys in the living room. The kids were playing, watching Sponge Bob (My favorite). My cousins. Cool. These strangers were part of me. A part I never knew. They were my family, too.  My Dad’s family. Best way I can describe it was like this. When I schooled in Boston for college, coming off the airplane and seeing Mom and Dad smiling and waiting in the airport terminal after more than year away. It was that feeling. A connection of who you are while you weren’t there. It’s a welcoming of old you and new you. It is the merging of all love then and all the love now and love in the future. Its all the important stuff in one single moment.

Stealing a line from the movie Star Trek Insurrection. "A person can live a whole lifetime in a moment in time."

Well, I’m sorry but I got to run. Wish I had more time to write. But, 800+ words , plus ten minutes to get where I need to go in five minutes time.

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever--Keri Russell

Got a reply from Anne Rice today. I stapled it to my journal. It’s one of the highlights of this month. Its a Promise Booster. I made a promise to blog everyday. Made a promise to be more, to enjoy more, and to say thanks. Looking outside, I had to run out the door to keep a promise to say thanks every sunrise and sunset.

I made a promise to. . .
Trying to make myself a better person. Its not easy. Its not too hard. These little successes will lead to a place I would like to be. I find myself making random excuses like not feeling like going to the gym. Like its too cold outside to keep my sunset and sunrise promise to say thanks. Like I am too sleepy to just get up and go. The excuse volume is thankfully getting lower.

Parable Booster, Thank You Very Much
My horoscope said this would be an ideal time of reflection. In many ways, this has been true. On my “to-do” list I took today to burn CD’s that has been on my daily to do list for the last 20+ days. I caught up with my exercise journal and diet log. During this time I knocked out some DVD’s. They have been sitting on my shelf for some time: Mongols, Leap of Faith, Stop Loss, and W. Guess, I need an injection of "feel good", a parable booster.

Change Ain't Easy
As I wrote earlier, these stories from movies, from novels, from comics keep me on track. If it were just so simple to just tell yourself that you are going do this and act this way. I would have changed a lot sooner. Keeping with the program long enough that change you wanted incorporated becomes a part of who you are is not so easy. Simple, yes. Not too easy, yet. We too often return to the way things were done in the past because that is most comfortable. Change ain't easy. I mean, I haven’t been to the gym for a few days. Went to Las Vegas and I got off track. When I was logging entries in my exercise log and diet journal, things just fell off at the waist side. Have you reviewed your new year's resolution list? Personally, I needed these booster, a reminder, that I need to do things. Honestly, I want to get things done. Are you becoming who you want to be? Lost that weight? Eating better? De-Stressing?

Times just flies by with daily going-ons of daily life. One forgets where one wants to go. Writing this blog for instance has gotten admittedly easier. Trying to keep it down to 500 words or less. . .well, still working on it.


Need these reminders that I made promises
My philosophy of religion class discussed the formula. Professor Sherman summed it up this way. Follow God and reap the rewards. When people stop following this formula, then Shit happens. Return to program and things will get better. The instructor called it the Judge’s cycle. Solomon, David, Moses, and Ezra (I am not sure on the first three, but definite on the last one) Throughout the readings, it said that this the basic program. Much like the Hero’s journey formula.

Forty day—Makes It a Habit
For a society, I am sure it will take longer before its ingrained in everything we do. In your Hero's Journey, are you becoming? Or are your personal foes and demons keeping you down? I am still learning to keep some promises. I am still in the phoenix phase, a time of rebirth.


Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat--Caroline Schoeder

Just Breathe. . .

Now what? Sitting here thinking, "Now, what?" So much done, so much still to do. Two things checked off. Only, twenty-five more to go. Now what? What do you do in moments of nothingness. I am learning a new skill. I have been told it may take years of practice, and may still not be mastered. My new resolution this year is. . .Drum roll, please. It is my number one task. My skill to master above, all else. My hope and dream is to master how to . . .Breathe. Yes, I have been doing it wrong for ages. At least this is what my new yoga instructor told. Following journalism 101, get two separate sources collaborating this fact. I got a book and my cousins. I have been doing wrong all this time. I don't know to breathe.

Are You Sure You Are Doing That Right?
While sitting down on the recumbent bike, my favorite Life Fitness with toe grips on the second notch, seat height on 1, (I am no tall) I was reading a book called, "Real Men Do Yoga?" What drew me in after scanning of the topics and pictures and little scribbles to the pages' side, I was drawn to the chapter? Why did it jump out? It said look how you are breathing, you are not doing it right. Damn, I have been doing it before I was born, now after 30+ years, the book is saying I got it all wrong. Ohh--Kay? (Can you hear my sarcasm?)

911--Hmmmm, I have called around 50 times
Well, The guy next to me, dripping sweat, gasping for air as his legs pump up and down. He's certainly not doing right. K thud. K thud. K thud. Old guy is on the treadmill. Thought this guy was going to have an MI right here and now. Thinking to myself, elevate feet. Get someone to call 911. Let him lie down and take a breath. K thud. K thud. K Thud. I am thinking to myself, this 50 year old guy needs to dial it down a notch. Never saw him before, he was probably a new resolute. Working for the fitness industry at Gold's Gym and LA Fitness, I have seen his type. Can't fault the guy for going all out, but I just grimace at the thought of having to do CPR. Almost had to do it several times. Thinking back, I have easily called 911 for assistance around fifty times in my lifetime. I am sure there will be more. Hopefully, not today.

Left Nostril, then Right. Mouth Breathe, Yes, Exhale Through Your Eyelids
Anyways, the chapter that jumped out was breathing. Breathing. How to breathe? Different techniques on such a basic thing. Everyone does it, but from what the book said there are several techniques to breathing more efficiently. Never thought about it before. It such a basic thing, but from I understand it many people do it wrong. I'm one, apparently. The book discusses nostril breathing, where one plugs one side and breathes through the open nostril. It discusses diaphragmatic breathing. Breathe through your belly. Huh? I have heard breathe through your eyelids (Susan Sarandon, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham) It states that about only 7% percent of the breathes we take contain oxygen. Its mostly CO2, which makes sense.

Mouthpiece Memories Make Me Shudder
I think back at the mouthpiece in my car, but first let me tell you this, in case you did not know. They use mouthpieces as a training tool to improve cardio fitness. Flipped through the ads of Runner magazine and I saw plastic mouth pieces for sale. Fifty bucks, ouch. I blackout for a second. I had bad mouthpiece flashback. I don't know about $50 bucks, come on. Guess, it works. Rubber bands for working out was joke when it first came out, now its a staple to fitness trainers.

Mouthpieces and I have a history. I cringe at the thought of plastic in my mouth. Ex girlfriend wore braces. She had use to wax for some strange reason. Apparently, one long kissing session, and I got a nice gob of plastic for an unexpected snack. Yuck!!! Thanks, Amanda. Another time, I boiled mouthpiece for football season and scalded my lips and gums. Blister, nice. However, my worst memory was a few years back. After a closeout*, I was pulled over under suspicion of a DUI (*sales industry term)Tired from decorating the gym and selling ships. I had couple of rounds with my sales team. Tired and not eating, I decided to head to the local Motel 6 to stay for the night. Simply,I wasn't up for an hour and half drive on the 5 freeway.

Now With Your Left Finger Touch Your Nose. . .
I took a curb short. BLAM!!!My wheels hit the curb and I bounced, almost hitting my head on the roof top.Before I knew it, flashing red lights filled my rear view window. Had to take breathe because my life was going to change forever. I am going to the drunk tank in the Garden Grove. Or maybe it was the Stanton office. I am at the border. Arrested, DUI on my record, nobody to open the gym--I'm screwed. Officer asked me to get out of the car with his hand on his holster. I unbuckled and stepped out of the car. He said that he stopped because I was driving erratically.

Officer John asked me, "Have you been drinking?" I said, "Yes." I call myself STUPID in my head. I say under my breath I have right not to incriminate myself. Moral Jeff, was superseding Business Law Jeff tonight. Thought to myself, just have Faith and answer the man's question. Its a fair one. Honestly, I had doubts on whether I was doing the right thing versus the legal thing. Sometimes, they don't agree. I wasn't going to have outright argument with myself here and now.

Officer Jimenez asks me to stand on one leg. I do. He tells to put both my arms out. Now, I am thinking, place your hands behind your back. He, doesn't. I hear ". . .field sobriety test. . ." Great. I raise my arms. He then asked me to touch my nose with my finger. I did. (Thank God, I took a couple of Pilates classes these last couple of weeks. Holding a position for awhile paid off. That one leg thing almost killed me. Admittedly, instructor was cute and I hated for her having me hold a position for three minutes straight. It kept me out of jail, though. Thanks, Mary. My Core was strong like bull. Whew)

He then asked me to take a breathalyzer test. I did not believe I had to take the test, but if I was guilty, I would live with the consequence. So much to ask at 2 in the morning with 3 hours sleep the night before. I opened my mouth and tasted the nasty plastic mouthpiece. Blew a 0.08. I'm done. I am going in. Going to the pokey, hopefully wont get poked. Bad American Me movie memories. Little did I realize that the legal limit was still 0.1. Next week, the lower standard goes in effect. At least, that was what Officer John said.

Office Jimenez asked where I was going. I told him I was tired, hungry, and I was headed to Jacques a la Boites for some food then to Motel 6 next door to crash. Angrily, he said I almost did just that. Can't hate the guy. Reckless drivers are bad and should go to jail. Thought to myself, I may be one of them.

Both officers said they would wait until I got a room, then leave. Went to window teller, paid for my room. I showed them my plastic door key card and smiled. Officer John looked at me said, "Next time eat and get a ride." They turn their flashing lights off and drove away. I exhaled a deep breath of air. Then I preceded to hyperventilate. Whew!!!

After picking up Jumbo jack and pomme frittes, I went to my room. Woke up the next day and sifted through my pockets. Surprised, it was the plastic mouthpiece. I gasp, finding it hard to catch my breath. Thinking how last night could have turned a lot differently, I thank the Big Smile and the Angel watching over me.

My Telepathic Ability and Powers of Suggestions Are Working Now
K Thud. K Thud. K Thud. Tilt the head back. Check the nose and mouth for air inspiration and expiration. Watch the abdomen rise and fall. He needs to slow down. All of the sudden, I look at the guy and close-lip smile. He is reaching for the arrow pointing down. pressing it sevearl times. Good, he is slowing down and decreasing intensity. Good job. Anaerobic man is going to get his HR to a reasonable pace, 180 BPM. His breathing slowing. Color is returning to his face. The sprinkler of sweat has turned off. Couldn't tell you how gross it is to see droplets of sweat fly everywhere. Reminds me of that rain-x commercial. Beads of water fly off the windshield. I shudder. At least he is not gasping for O2 like before. You see, I was this guy a year ago. Tried to make up for the years of bad food choices, little sleep, and hours of TV time.

I take a deep breath myself. Keeping my cardio in the aerobic range has been documented to be a better for fat-burning than going anaerobic. I am edumacated. Eyes gots my learnin done. Again, breathe in through nose than out mouth. In Nose, Out Mouth. Nose, Mouth. Nose, mouth. Or was it mouth, then nose? I forget. Get a rhythm. Runners breathing technique. Talk while working out. This will tell you whether you are getting enough oxygen to the rest of the body.

RT Giving Me Some Learnin
Breathing is such a physiologically complicated process. Cousin Jason was trying to break it down me. He's in a RT program, Respiratory Therapy. So is my other cousin's girl, Jewel. At least, if I need breathing treatment in the future, I will be covered. Nasal cannula and albuterol, I can't wait.Thought to myself, I used to tutor this stuff. On cellular level, the hemoglobin carries molecules of oxygen through the capillaries. There is a nice Hemoglobin curve that explains the pace of picking up CO2 and O2 molecules. Diaphragm contracts, creating negative space which consequently causes the lobes of the lungs to expand. Blah, blah, blah.

Let Me Entertain You With The Dulcet Sounds of the Humpback and Red Sox Fan
In the my recent yoga class, the instructor emphasized in nasally Boston-tone that I want to breathe in the prana, the chi, the life force. Baah-Stun accent and whale songs, music to my ears. Such harmony. Not! My first yoga experience, one I will never forget. When you have your arms and legs intertwined in Eagle pose, or have you butt in the air in Dog, or standing tall in Warrior, the yoga instructor keeps telling us to breathe. I said how, if your diaphragm is going this way, and your chest is caved in that way, breathing? No, I don't think so.

Yes, I Crash This Course. This Left Nostril 101, Right?
In Tae Kwon Do, Aikido, Jiu Jitsu, and every martial art they emphasize the need to breathe when striking. Exhale, when you hit the bag. Ki--AAAA!!! Breathe In, Breathe. Yes, Mr. Miyagi. Breath In, Breathe Out. Breathing is so simple its complicated. After reading a chapter in this book, did I realize that I gots to get some edumacation. Left nostril, then right. Complicated. I think I will go register for a class. That's in the Learning Annex for graduate study section.

Jedi Mind Master I Be . . .or Six Month Pregnant
"SLOW DOWN" I shout in my head. I look back and see the anaerobic runner slow down his gallop to nice pedestrian jog. Hey, it worked. Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I have much Mitocholander in my cellular structure, too. His chest slowly rises and falls. His abdomen expands like a 6 month pregnant women. It contracts back, like a 4 month pregnant woman. He's got a belly. Mine is about a 2 month pregnant woman now. A year ago, the maternity ward was going to be my next home.

Moral of Story: Resolution #1 Breathe
I sleep better now. Less weight. My CPAP mask and breathing machine are at the side of my bed. At nights I am blasted away with my own wind tunnel of oxygen. Sleep Apnea. Instinctively, I knew that when I stopped breathing that is not such a good thing. Even got edumacated to this fact. The book told me so. Plus, I got RTs-in-training to draw pictures for me explaining how. They are family. If you cant trust them, well, you know.

No, seriously, I didn't realize this simple, everyday thing has been the core of everything that is wrong with me. I did not slow down and catch breath before and I ballooned up to almost 280 pounds. I did not realize that I had sleep apnea and I was literally dying at night. Moreover, I was going anaerobic and not exercise correctly. This is why I could not kick my ex-girlfriend's new husband's ass because I was not "Ki Yahhhhing" properly. Bad breathing all in. I am getting better. I got a book. I am going to learn how to breathe--Better.

Look With Soft Eyes, That Pregnant Guy Could Be You
K thud. K thud. K thud. The 50 year old new resolute is off the treadmill now. Whew. No CPR needed. He is still sweating like a pig, looking like he was dropped in a dunk tank. At least, he is on the road to better health. Hopefully, sometime next year, he'll have given birth and gotten rid of his baby fat.

Got to keep remembering, everyone is on their own Hero's journey. A big part of become whole again is the physical and mental trials. To be reborn again, like a phoenix from fires, one needs a little oxygen to get that pyre burning. So Breathe. Use your left nostril first, the right. Or was it in your nose, out your mouth? If that is not enough, grab an exercise mouthpiece. Oh whatever, just breathe. You have been doing before you were even born.