Whiplash and Walnuts: This Ride Is Scarier Than Disneyland

Leaving Da Ville

Saturday—Headed to Walnut. On the road from Da Ville to the Nut. Its Aaron’s Birthday. It’s been some time since I was there last. Sitting right next to bags of siapao. Curry chicken is at my feet. Listening to some Taylor Swift’s Tim McGraw. Got to have a lot of faith when I drive with Aunt Tally. I’m lucky if I don’t get whiplash. She likes to brake—A Lot. A LOT. Whew, what one suffers through to do other things. I rather not drive. If I had a driver to get me where I wanted to go, I  would be in bliss. Actually, thinking about driving less. Get on the bike and just getting where I need to be. Kind of like the doctor in City of Angels.

Rather Ride, Than Drive

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy driving.  Rather take photos or write than be focused on the cars ahead, behind me, and to the sides. Too often, I get in my time machine and just drive. There’s so much out there one does not see when flying by. In the car, I miss much. We race  by and I miss the “California Lotto” sign next to me. I miss the cracks on the sidewalk. I miss the green, green grass.

 Breaking the Law

Uuugh.  She likes pot holes. Will not miss one of them. Not one of them. Not one. She's consistent that way. She's talking on the phone while she is driving. I try not to think about her not being focusing and just driving with no care in the world. It scares me. My heart can't take it. Yeah, we are merging on the freeway. Jerk, shake, brake. No, it’s okay. Breathe. The 16 wheeler semi is only 80 mph and we are going into his lane at 30 mph. Get off the F-in phone and pay attention. Breathe

Aahh, Thank goodness the Walmart truck has good brakes. I can still see smoke from the tires. Its so beautiful.  She still talking on the F-ing phone.  She’s not the smoothest driver at that. Hope we don’t flip it. We are only going 80 mph. She likes being really close to the steering wheel. At times, I think she is trying to read the license plate and bumper stickers. She forgot her glasses for this drive. Plus, she’s not that tall. About 4’ and some change. She has two pillows to prop her up. She is so small you can see her feet on her driver’s license. Let's put it this way, I feel like Yao Ming in a Toyota IQ when I drive her car.

Well, she has a crucifix hanging on the rear view mirror. I am reminded have to have Faith in others.  Yet, it is one of those times. I just close my eyes and pray we get there. No, two feet behind the Taurus in front of us is not tailgating. It's a 5 second rule not 5 milliseconds. Well, that is what she thinks. You see she knows-SHE KNOWS--SHE KNOWS--that the other drivers can read her mind and will adjust accordingly. We, humans, follow a different set of rule of following at least one car length per every 10 mph.  Those do not apply to her. She’s got superhuman reaction skills with *Optimus Prime brakes.  Well, that what I make myself believe when I ride with her.

Okay, I will take the phone from her. He's speaking to her son

Just spoke with Chris. He re-enlisted and is in the AZ now. I miss him already. Gave him some projects to do for me. Hopefully, he’ll do one of four. I asked him to follow me on my blog. Maybe, if I write about him he’ll read them. Looking to get a 100 followers. I guess, I can dream. Asked him to blog while he’s in the AZ.  Sunset or sunrise photo once a week. Post card once a month. 

Promises Made

Last task, Goofy picture at least once a week that has a toy in the background. It’s like the Verizon commercial with dad going to all these odd places taking pictures with a toy monkey.  The movie with George Clooney, Up in the Air something. He had a photo of his sister and her fiance. People all around the country would take photos  in odd places. It supposed to represent I guess that they are with them wherever they are.

So Far, Yet So Close

What I am loving about the internet, Facebook, camera phones is the ability to send people what you see instantly. Knowing that I could be there with you a click of my phone or mouse it makes me feel connected. I mean if you think about we are all connected. If we really want to get know each other we are just mouse click away. If you want to share your life with others get on Facebook. It’s not the same as the person to person contact, but if you think about we are really closer than you think. No one is ever really alone.

A Search for Mike. . .

I think of a promise I made. Visit Mike's grave. I have a half-brother Mike that passed away some years back. Never knew him that well and for some reason I been feeling this need to re-connect with family. It’s driving me to learn about them. This drive was calling me to visit my Dad’s good friend Marv. It’s driving me to learn about my cousin’s on my father’s side. Trying to learn of Father’s other family. I hope they will receive me. I know he passed but I still would like to say, “Hi.” I saw Mike’s picture when he was in band. He was on drum line and played football like my brother, Kev. Its on the Arvin Band website. Seeing his photos with his girl, it’s like . . .It feels right.  That’s enough for me.

Well, exiting the freeway now. Thank you Angels for getting us here.  I’ll live with the whiplash. Neck brace medium will do. Heart rate only 220 bpm. Got to cry now in joy and kiss the ground that we made it. Breathe

*Transformers--More than Meets the Eye

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever--Keri Russell

Got a reply from Anne Rice today. I stapled it to my journal. It’s one of the highlights of this month. Its a Promise Booster. I made a promise to blog everyday. Made a promise to be more, to enjoy more, and to say thanks. Looking outside, I had to run out the door to keep a promise to say thanks every sunrise and sunset.

I made a promise to. . .
Trying to make myself a better person. Its not easy. Its not too hard. These little successes will lead to a place I would like to be. I find myself making random excuses like not feeling like going to the gym. Like its too cold outside to keep my sunset and sunrise promise to say thanks. Like I am too sleepy to just get up and go. The excuse volume is thankfully getting lower.

Parable Booster, Thank You Very Much
My horoscope said this would be an ideal time of reflection. In many ways, this has been true. On my “to-do” list I took today to burn CD’s that has been on my daily to do list for the last 20+ days. I caught up with my exercise journal and diet log. During this time I knocked out some DVD’s. They have been sitting on my shelf for some time: Mongols, Leap of Faith, Stop Loss, and W. Guess, I need an injection of "feel good", a parable booster.

Change Ain't Easy
As I wrote earlier, these stories from movies, from novels, from comics keep me on track. If it were just so simple to just tell yourself that you are going do this and act this way. I would have changed a lot sooner. Keeping with the program long enough that change you wanted incorporated becomes a part of who you are is not so easy. Simple, yes. Not too easy, yet. We too often return to the way things were done in the past because that is most comfortable. Change ain't easy. I mean, I haven’t been to the gym for a few days. Went to Las Vegas and I got off track. When I was logging entries in my exercise log and diet journal, things just fell off at the waist side. Have you reviewed your new year's resolution list? Personally, I needed these booster, a reminder, that I need to do things. Honestly, I want to get things done. Are you becoming who you want to be? Lost that weight? Eating better? De-Stressing?

Times just flies by with daily going-ons of daily life. One forgets where one wants to go. Writing this blog for instance has gotten admittedly easier. Trying to keep it down to 500 words or less. . .well, still working on it.


Need these reminders that I made promises
My philosophy of religion class discussed the formula. Professor Sherman summed it up this way. Follow God and reap the rewards. When people stop following this formula, then Shit happens. Return to program and things will get better. The instructor called it the Judge’s cycle. Solomon, David, Moses, and Ezra (I am not sure on the first three, but definite on the last one) Throughout the readings, it said that this the basic program. Much like the Hero’s journey formula.

Forty day—Makes It a Habit
For a society, I am sure it will take longer before its ingrained in everything we do. In your Hero's Journey, are you becoming? Or are your personal foes and demons keeping you down? I am still learning to keep some promises. I am still in the phoenix phase, a time of rebirth.


Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat--Caroline Schoeder

Blackouts, Balloons, and Big Smile: Promises Kept, Promises Reminded

Big Smile Blows a Fuse
Lights out. Frustrated, I put my book down on the toilet set cover. Power must have went out. Wonder if its the entire house. Maybe its the entire block. Probably, I think its just the circuit breaker for the bottom floor of the house. I move the light green shower curtain to the side. Not even ten minutes in the tub. I like to soak in the tub for 20 to 30 minutes reading a book here and there. Sometimes its an Encyclopedia of Mythology. Other times, its a Sudoku puzzle book. Often, its the Sun Tzu's Art of War. Today it was the Anatomy of Strength and Weight Training. I was beginning to understand the nuts and bolts of a proper squat. Learned about blocking and how not to cave in your chest or something like that. Guess, I got to re-read it again.

G-Time and Firebird Promise
Guess, it was a sign. Unusually, I didn't work out in the morning as I originally planned. Last couple of months, Sundays are for a couple hours of cardio and 30 minute shoulder routine. This time I was disturbed by hot air balloons. No, not really disturbed. I was disrupted. Okay,fascinated. You see every morning . . .wait, almost every sunrise and sunset I have been having some G-Time. G Time is my promise to myself and the Big Smile that I would thank him and reconnect with what is important. Its my Firebird promise. Every sunrise and sunset I will take at least 5 minutes out of the day and listen to the sound. Stole this idea from Dvd City of Angels. If you don't know, find out.

Well, this morning I did my G-Time to get right with you know. . .everything. It was a cloudy morning and the Sun was having a hard time shining through. At this time, I like to document my health stats, write in my journal, and review my "To-Do" list for the day. I was highlighting my "Dones" and was reaching for my Exercise/Diet Journal, then all of the sudden the movie screen which was my car windshield was filled with Hot Air Balloons. Where did they come from? I remember a white, clean truck with extended cab in the desert by its lonesome. This was unusual, but not uncommon in the Antelope Vally. What was a white F150 now was a red and yellow giant hot air balloon. Actually, it was five hot air balloons. Let me correct that. It was seven hot air balloons laying on its side getting fired up with blasts of propane burners. (Riding a Hot Air Balloon will be going on my resolution list,Thank Ms. Stipech)

At any rate, there they were. Balloons were getting larger and larger. Seventy feet in height, balloons were taking up the my entire beautiful view my San Gabriel Mountain sunrise. It was an Ansel Adams picture with hot air balloons--in color) Maybe not so Ansel Adams. I must admit that I was frustrated that my G Time was being obstructed by Hot Air Balloons. Little did I notice that I needed just that. Got out of my car. Grabbed my Blackberry from its car charger. I started walking out the parking lot toward 10th Street West. I parked at the Lancaster Park, next to the new Y. Raised up my phone/camera/organizer/mp3 player/flashlight/etc and I started clicking away. Sent to my facebook account and that was it.

Look Ma, I Riding a Hot Air Balloon with No Basket
Another balloon onlooker started saying something, but I was not listening. I was lost in the moment. One man was in hot air balloon. Almost 80,000 cubic feet of hot air, at the will of the AV Winds,and this guy is going solo on a freaking strap-on swing seat. Yes, there was no giant basket that can fit 6 people comfortably. This guy was strapped onto a swing seat. Ah, some AV people are listening to the beat of different drum. It reminded me of one of those carnival rides where you are strapped onto a swing and it just twirls you round and round. This guy had the hot air balloon and a swing seat. That's it. I got to try that.

Book Said Green Grass and I Get Tumbleweeds
I was just present and in the moment. Little did I realize that I just felt. . .lighter. Buoyant. I was happier. I was deep in G Time and I felt my heart rate speed up. Blood rushing. Headache starting. BP rising. I was getting stressed out all the worries in life. The usual worries I guess most of us feel. Not enough money. Not enough time for family. Not being healthier. Not enough, whatever. Watching those balloons fill up with air and head to the sky, I just felt amazingly lighter.

Funny thing is I was reading a passage from the "How to Lower Blood Pressure." Passage was an mini-exercise on how to relax. Visualize a big park. Full of green grass. Imagine walking around and coming up to a small hill. There over the hill. There are bunch of hot air balloons sitting. As you get closer, all your worries, are climbing into the basket of the hot air balloon. As you get closer, all the balloons slowly are picked up by the wind currents are flying away. As I was taking my pictures for facebook, I realized that this just happened. No grass, but brown, sandy tumbleweed-filled desert. Thanks, Big Smile.

Bathroom Blackouts: Its A Sign To Keep Promises
Anyways, back to the reason why I write. It was a blackout. Not to the entire house, just the part I was in. Standing in the shower with the lights out, the flashed. Go to Church. You see days back I made a promise to myself and Big Smile that I have my heart open and listen to the synchronicities of Life. Couldn't tell what time it was, but I thought to myself, "I can do this. I can make it." Lights out reaching for the conditioner. Reaching for the Scrub brush and the green body wash, I said, "I have time. I can make it." I thought to myself, I made a promise to got to church at least once a month for an entire year. I wrote it down. Its a promise. Its a contract. Its my Covenant.

Got out of the searching for light. Stepped on my shoes and shorts. Forgot that it was blacked out. I felt for the light and my toothbrush. Wait, I already brushed and flossed. Then I realized, Blood sugar. Getting low. No workout. No meal replacement bottle. Didn't have my breakfast. Blackberry flashes from the bathroom floor. Must have fell of the toilet seat cover. My screen reads, "Breakfast. Morning Meds." Thank you Calendar Daily Event Function.

Got dressed and started the oven. Butter, shrimp, and one egg. Grabbed Quaker Oats "Maple and Brown Sugar" packet. Butter sizzled, threw in the shrimp. Cracked the egg and went to the fridge to grab the block of cheese (another post, remind me) Shrimp ready and scrambled egg is poured in the frying pan. Wash the same bowl (I hate doing lots of dishes). I open the oatmeal packet and pour two 1/4 cups of water. Throw it in the microwave and I take a breath.



Big Smiles--Eat, I Will Get You There
I am not a big fan of microwaved oatmeal. Too creamy for me. I would have liked to have used the kettle, but I have this amazing skill of burning water and setting off the fire alarm, even when its not my fault. Someone threw away the several times burnt over blackened kettle. I looked at the time, 9:45 am. I can make the 10 o'clock service (I think that is the time of the service. I don't go often enough to know the time.) I take 5 minutes and sit. I look at the time again and see its 9:50. I calculate driving time to St Mary's will be 10 minutes. I decide I will be late, but that's okay. I figure its better be late, then feint. I eat hurriedly, not gulp the food. I say to myself, "I have time."

Out the door and in the car. Of course, red light. Traffic. Cars ahead of me slow down to see, of course, the many yard sales on the east side. I am on Avenue S, passing Mickey Dees, KFC, and I am the curve. The Curve is 20th East. Can't forget the curve. Its a Palmdale landmark. At end of the curve is a cemetary. Some say its a pet cemetary. I never really checked. I think pioneers are buried here. Guess, I need to look it up sometime. Anyways, I head toward the high school and turn on R-4 (I think). There it is St. Mary. Looks like the cars ahead of me had the same blackout in the shower. My car dashboard reads 10:15. Boy, I am late. I think to myself, maybe I will go to the 11 am service, if they have one.

As I turn into the parking lot entrance, its not full. I mean its not filled, but its filling. I see families get out their car and start quick walking into the church. Some are quick walking. Others are still in the car. I say to myself, "Maybe, I am not late."

I get out my car. I tuck in my shirt. Tighten my belt. My pants have been kind of loose. All that cardio time looks like its paying it off. I walk in. Church is three quarters filled. Choir is singing. People are reaching for the fountain to anoint self. To the left, there is a giant crucifix. Over the Jesus, the letters read "INRI" I say to myself, I know what that means. Took a Bible at Lit class and Philosophy religion class. Probably the only thing I remember. "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" I's were often used as Js. It looks the Big Smile got me in on time. Thank You.

HUAA: Marine-Speak "Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged
Father comes in and apologizes for being late. I laugh to myself and say, "I bet it was a blackout." The teenager next to me looks at me funny. I say, "Inside Joke." She shakes her head and takes a step away from me, closer to her family. Whatever, she smelled funny any ways. I smile. Before I knew, the Father in his Jamaican (or maybe its West African) accent he talks about Baptism and talks about the priesthood as a vocation. Two things I have been seriously thinking about. Definitely, Baptism and kind of like the idea of being license to marry people. Questions I have been considering for years and that have been resurfacing a lot lately has been answered. I shake my head. I ask myself, "Do I have the stuff to make a commitment?" Honestly, I don't know. I like women, a lot. Ever since Mac gave me a Bible, I have been thinking about getting involved in Church. I consider myself Catholic, but not heavy. No,I am more of the Holiday Catholic. Sure, I go to church for Midnight Mass, Baptisms, Funerals (I have been to too many last year) I have been this ache, no, calling, I don't know what to call it but whatever it is I have been considering being more seriously involved. I dedicated one year of my life learning in Faith, "My journal was Get my Soul Stronger" I was heavy in DABDA self-defense mechanism (Dr. Poole, Thank you. Another blog for another time).

Gorillas, Crushes, Old Friends: Life in Review
Sitting in St Mary's I have thought about my life and how people that were gone or I left are coming back in. Trouble is that the one I want in, isn't. (Corrina, I hope things are working out. Gorilla thing, you know) As I was writing, I just got an invite from Mike. He used to live with my family in high school. I was a Jodie, as my AP Biology teacher said.(Not a good thing. He enlisted and I unexpectedly met my my soul mate. His girlfriend) I thought of Christy (No, its not her real name. Its her sister's. She is now a friend on my facebook. I thought she was incredibly cute. Out of my league. Boy, I would have liked to have kissed her.) I think of my old friend Brian and I apologize to him in my head and pray he forgives me. I say to myself, that I believe that I would be a good priest. Its a big commitment. I don't know if that is what I should do. I have the inkling. The calling is not screaming to me, its just. . .I do not if I got the stuff, the real stuff to be the Big Smile's voice, to be his messenger. Tough things are that I have asked and he has given. I have received. How can I turn and not do this? I made some promises. Promises to myself. Promises to Big Smile. Promises. Nothing is set it stone and I know that I will be at the moment. I will be looking into George Foreman's eyes and I will have to answer that bell. "Miyagi, boma ye" Miyagi was my nick name at LA Fitness.

Its a Question Fuse Box Faith
Do I have stuff? Is my Faith Strong Enough? Is my Will Enough? Is it my destiny? What is His Will? Big Smile I hear your calling. I am not what I am being asked to do. I will keep listening to the message and I will do my best to interpret your messages. This I promise.

By the way, can I have lights back on? I am okay going to the bathroom in the dark, I have Faith. Its just this. My aim is better with the lights on. Just kidding. I will check the fuse box. Big Smile, thank you for the balloons and blackout. I needed both.

My Promise to the Sunrise and to the Sunset

Lantern Away
Made a promise today. Its a big one for me. I have decided open my heart. I have decided to put it in someone else's hands and jump. Hal Jordan jumped off a cliff and just let go. For those comicphilles you will know who this is and I will leave it at that. It was the first edition of the second series I believe. I digress. Looking over the cliff and just letting go. Diving headfirst, death inches away, and now faith renewed.

This post is my world promise, my announcement to all. I will take the steps to get this done, but for now Universe its no turning back. This declaration is commitment to yours truly. Its my promise to be unwavering. To let my conviction to you be an example in this brief time. An announcement of my faith in this relationship. I hereby promise to take formal steps and there will be some studying, but I am going to jump. No, I am not getting married. No, I am not coming out of the closet. I am not. I very much love women. But I have decided to be open and be guided.

I will take the road of Chris in the Morning from Cecily, Alaska. Northern Exposure reference. (Another favorite)

Firebird Promise: Sunrise and Sunset
Made a promise. Every sunrise and every sunset to take 5 minutes. Talk and listen. I will hear your message. I will listen for your song. City of Angel. Close my eyes and listen. You were there and I thank you.


You Can Put Me Down Now
No turning back. The track of single footsteps are yours when you carried me through these troubling times. I believe I can walk now. You can put me down now. Its my turn to stand and walk. Not alone, but by your side. Hand in hand now. As has its always been. Thank you for holding me together. Let me never forget this promise to you to be steadfast. Doubts begone. My Faith unshakened and now renewed. I am so thankful for all you have done. Baby steps are over now. Leaps are now my expectation. May my actions be a testament to yours. Be well and thank you all you have done.

What have you done for 365 Days?

December 29, 2009. Two day until this year is over. Three hundred sixty-three days has passed. What have you done for 365 Days?

31,536,000 Seconds Equals 10,512,000 Lifetimes.
One year is eight thousand, seven hundred and sixty hours. That is 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 ticks on a clock. Assume you work 8 hours of a day six days a week for those over-achievers. This is almost 2,500 hours (2,496 hours for the anal-retentive) Now, let’s factor sleep. Ideally, eight hours of sleep per day. This is more than 2,900 hundred hoursin bed. More if you are taking Viagra or a porn star. That leaves almost 3,400 waking hours. Now I ask, What have you done for in those waking hours?

No, this is not a blog about Verizon. It’s not about your minutes used. Not, directly. My question, are you living the life you want to live? Are you going in the right directions? Did you turn left when you should have turned right? Beauty about this is that you can change. You have choices. Maybe you need a timeout. Maybe you need a course correction. One of my favorite movie lines comes from Any Given Sunday. Al Pacino say “Three seconds—That’s a lifetime.”

Red Book Needs Tape
This year I documented a year of my life. Kept all my thoughts feelings and experience in my journal. Not an easy task. My red hard-covered diary is beat up. Mangled. Sections of days are falling out. White, athletic tape holds the binding. Rubber bands keep the contents from flying away. It’s on life support. Got it wet when writing in the tub. It has blood stains when I did my blood sugar readings. Wrist bands. Racing numbers when I did my first 10k (it was supposed to be 5k. No one told me to turn back) Movie stubs. Newspaper articles. Football game tickets. Obituaries. Clipper tickets. Monthly astrological forecasts. Wedding and party invites are stapled inside. I have personal health stats stapled inside. In gold lettering, italicized it says “Days to Remember: A Journal of a Lifetime”

Kept a daily log of my BP, heart rate, blood sugar readings. Measurements of my waist, chest, hips, calves, thighs, etcetera. I have body temperature, body fat%, and BMI scores. Gained 25 lbs in May. Lost 25 lbs by December. Some things changed, others not so much. I am proud of my accomplished. Unsatisfied with others. Good or Bad—Changes I made are the ones that I made. I ask again, What Have You Done?

To-Do or Not to Do: Tasks Accomplished, Tangents Askew
Kept a “to-do” list, too. Initially it was a list of 10 most important things I wanted to get done. Eventually, it then reached up to 30 to do things. Tried to fit the entire half side of page so as not to have write so much. At times, I did not have much to say. Went a good six weeks of choosing not to write. I stopped that bad habit.

Stealing A Peak: Not So Proud, but Grateful
I kept journals and diaries in the past, but it never stuck. Not until, this year. I mean I really started journalizing a few years back. I stole a peak Diane’s journal. It lay by her bed. One time when she was in the shower, I looked in it. I was curious to see what she thought of me. I mean I was staying at her place for almost a week. I just wanted to know what her thoughts were. I lived in Boston for a time. I digress. What I remember is that her father gave her the journal. Inside he wrote, “A life worth living is one worth writing about.” Those lines stuck with me.

2009 journal I beat you up this year.It’s almost over, good friend. I will put you away. Thank you for the memories.

Since my CHF diagnosis, I made a real effort to document my life for an entire year.

Do you have a journal? Are you living a life worth writing about? How about a “To-Do” list? What does yours say? Much of my “To-do” list has mean cleaning something: Cleaning my closet, Cleaning my bed, Cleaning my car, Washing my laundry. I wonder why I put so much emphasis on cleaning. Maybe I am closet OCD. Neah!!! I figure I have other things to do, than washing and cleaning. I never get my washing done. I keeping putting it on because its never done.

Cluttered Desk Means Cluttered Mind
My old mentor Pauw would say “Cleanliness of your desk is like your mind. If it is cluttered, if it is disorganized, it is like your thinking.” Clean, everything in its place. Clarity of thought. No clarity. Lots of mess. Lots of unnecssariness. Lots of chaos. At the time, I was lost. Felt comfortable in the chaos of the situation. Always felt calm in the storm. I keep my desk clean now.

My journal is my thoughts, my dreams, my feelings. My “To do” list has become my map of my life. It signifies what is important. It signifies my accomplishments. It signifies my intentions. My health stats are my body’s message to me. It’s my documentation of me. Now I ask, Are You Happy With What Have You Done?

My 2010 Resolution: Beat Up My 2010 Journal