Sleepies, the Place In Between

Saturday—Heart has been heavy for a few days. Haven’t wanted to write. It’s just that the weight has been bringing me down. Depths that I rather not be. Feeling disconnected in many ways. I know the source for this emptiness, but am a bit helpless. It’s in another’s hands. Tried this and that, but alas rien. 

Don’t like to be in this place. But I have Hope. I have Faith things will turn around. Only can Pray and let another guide me where I need to be. Brother and his family left for the Magical Kingdom for the weekend. It’s niece Lynn’s Birthday. She’s ten. Couldn’t tell you how much I needed to be where family was last night. Practically ran out the door from Reiki class.

Trying to live more present. Trying to enjoy where I am. Yet, can’t help from being there and apart at the same time. In Vein of Gold meeting, felt disconnected there, too. Perhaps, it was because I missed the week prior. Perhaps, its because I don’t share much commonality with the matriarchs. Perhaps, it was the spread of the morose from the previous “Soul Loss.”

Read that Soul Loss in shaman-speak is an illness of dire order. Yeah, I feel an emptiness. Yeah, I feel less than. Yeah, I lack some feel in my feel. At times, it fills when I go to St. Mary’s. Yeah, it fills when I’m present in wherever I am. Yet, I felt like Luke in Dagobah planet with Master Yoda (Sorry, my nephew has gotten me the Spielberg Mode). It feels there is an anger and cloudiness, a morose. It is during Luke’s Jedi training, he get frustrated and distraught being it of the Force. When its Flows, it flows. Yet, after coming from a high, there is a bit of crashing. Not a welcome grounding, like when a cesna comes down from getting beat up by the high, high winds. It is more a thunderous thud.

Sitting here in Vista Point. I watch the sunrise. Overlooking Lake Palmdale, the cars behind me speed by. A White Dodge Caravan is parked next. The driver is bundled up in a nice, warm fuzzy blanket catching some ZZZZZ’s. It reminds me of Master Yoda sitting in his car seat. Partly awake, partly asleep. Being transported from the warm comfortable crib to be awaken in the early, early morning to the car seat to Ford Tundra.

Everyone is awake in the early morning darkness. Things are a buzz as the rest readies themselves for the journey ahead to meet Donald and Minnie. Going to California adventure. Master Yoda is still not awake due to late night of jumping on pillow bridges, escaping the dangers of toy monsters at his feet. The Dodge Caravan guy next has himself wrapped up warming up and waking up to new day to come. Not quite ready for the beautiful day to come. He’s has his head covered to the morning sun. I know this place. I like this place. This place enjoys of the heat circulating warmth under the blanket that is getting heated by the showering sun.

I know my emptiness, its all around. My heavy heart beats my weighted blood which circulates my morose. True, I understand this will not last. There is a brighter day to come. I can see it now. Yet, not quite ready to take on the day, this is morose and angst is just a lesson. It is the sleepies crusting my eyes closed. It’s the before I wake up from the warm wrapped blanket. The cars behind me speeding my telling me we are here. I feel the warmth of the morning sun underneath the oh-so cozy blanket telling me it’s time to wake up.

I know this moment before I wake up and get up and go. This is when I can still enjoy my sleep under the so warm blanket and wake up before the beauty of the day.  It’s the place before happy REM departs and the morning day begins. I am not fond of this in-between. Leaving a happy dream and waking up to a beautiful day. This is where my morose lives. This where the emptiness sucks. This is the time being nudged awake from good evening dream.

My eyes will open. I will say goodbye to my beautiful dream to meet the wonderful new day. I will wipe the morning crusties—my morning sleepies—from my eyes. I just not enjoy the moments that in the between. Ah, time to open my eye. Just let me finish my dream. I want to see how it ends.

March 10: Pictures are worth a 1000 words

Today's Events
5:59 Shit, Showered Shaved.

6:10 Heading to morning mass at 6:30
7:10 G-Time at His House. Leaving St. Marys
7:50 Went off trail. Got Winded. Looked at Junipers and Horse poop
9:30 Waiting for Corinna at Jen's place. Car Garage broken. Hangovers, hahahaha. Beautiful tree
10 Gassed at Ampam. Ha Chew is gum. Called Camille's missing Artist Way. Lost Black Book. Taking Back Roads. Hi to Cat House. Talks of Las Vegas reunion

10:45 Take Truck Route instead. Corinna Cringes in the tunnel. I'm driving fast in a tunnel I can't see. With Big Rigs all around. Go Bold or Get Old.

11:14 Off Highland. In Hollywood. Thinks of Shazams and Tamara at Lodge

11:35 Passed the Golden Apple. Take a picture of another comic shop on Melrose. Talk about 7 min of standup

11:40 Good parking space. Go pee and get dinosaur donuts. Think about buying academy award

12: Pretty girl. Not really listening to Corinna, instead looking at Pretty Girl works at CBS or restaurant at the Grove. Eat Mexican because Colorado Mexicans aren't nice to Corinna. Learn of Haanes and the kids.

12:15 Make eye contact and small talk at Scent shop with pretty girl. No digits. Corinna gets tea. Doggy Bakery. Where I spent my youth reading comics and porn, I was lucky. $10 validation card, No we wont pay. Haans knows Hindi.

1 Fairfax. Writers Guild. Who shot Notorious BIG. Little Ethopita and Jewish Council for Woman. Looking for Pollo. Get feeling will find in 10 minutes

1:15 Mgt messed up order for one customer. 8 pieces. Name tag for Lisa. She got a Jones for them bones. Kids cone dipped. Server has Big kids

1:30 Sad Memories of LAX. Blue Man Billboard, "WTF" Look as plane passes overhead

1:45 Corinna go bye bye. Sad. 1 Month see her again. My first strip club I went to closed. Chess at Embassy. Aerobics cert across the street. Was I angry? Yes.

145 got to be in Lancaster by 2:30. Big Donut. Think 2012 movie

2 Pass Howard Hughes. Traffic great. Time to look at overpass and grafitti

205 Passed the VA.Trivia Pursuit question. How many bathrooms does this hotel have?

2:13 Sherman Oaks Galleria. Glitter, Dave, LA Fitness Van Nuys. Missed Budlight Brewery and Tommies Runs with Shazam.

2:20 I like waters at night. Lights come on during Christmas

2:25: Always wondered what the hell is that for?

2:30 Late. Vasques Rock. I love guana. Vista Point and 3 Crosses.

2:45 Stopped by LCH and picked up some Flip Food. Stores is not closed

3:30 Dropped of broken bracelet. Store near Forever 21

3:45 Passed Airport, Joe Davies, and Gold Course. Man sells Flowers. Much respect.

4 Nap time

6:30 Headed to Supersport and then Pick up Prece at gym. On Sierra now

745 3 miles for Nike+ done. No lifting tonight

8 Going to ask parent about visiting AV Akido

8:15 Am/PM on Ave M and Sierra. Talk to Prece about George Foreman and Muhammad Ali "Ali Boma Ye"

9 Talk to Angelo about Star Wars. Hear about backpacks and eat hot wings and bread sticks
10:30 Watch some UFC, Fast Furious 3. Get Keys to head to lift at old 24 hrs. Get Laptop instead. Fall asleep after finishing post.

Awakening

Feeling melancholy. Don’t know if it’s the weather. Don’t know if it’s the music I’m listening to. Don’t know if I am just feeling. . .down. Didn’t like my horoscope for tomorrow much. It said,” That old expression, if you ignore them, they'll go away? Well, that might not always hold true, but right now it just so happens to be quite accurate -- especially when it comes to a certain family member or friend who seems intent on obsessing over something neither you has any control over. Explain this once, then put some distance between the two of you until they get over it.” I’m having lunch with someone important. I’m afraid that I will be that person ignored. I will be the one that will be asked to put some distance.

Battery for laptop is about to die. Orange light has come on. Well, I hope to put what I can before the lights go out. I need to gym it. When I gave blood this afternoon, they said I should avoid strenuous exercise for at least 12 hours. I am afraid if I don’t go, then I will be slip sliding down that slippery slope. Didn’t jump in the pool this afternoon because I was told that I might go in cardiac arrest due to the cold water. It scared me. I know that I can work out tomorrow. It will be fine. It’s just my psyche will be more effected by not going in. It has already effected me. Doubt Gremlins has effected my hampered my risk-taking mechanism.

Well, I must be going because laptop is about to shut off.

I wrote the above the night before. I’m back. Went to the gym last night and again this morning. Jumped in the pool. No cardiac arrest. I'll admit I was scared. Got some feedback today. It was good. My posts are vague at times and it feels that like I am speaking to someone. I get that. It’s fair. Guess, I got the Doogie Howser syndrome. I appreciate the comments. Give me more. Please. 

Who am I writing these blogs to? The Universe. Basically, whoever wants to listen. Whoever wants to read this blog. This is who I write to. I’m also writing to myself, flushing out stuff and making some beliefs stronger.

Finally saw Book of Eli. I liked it. It hits home for me. Been going through a spiritual awakening. Going through a journey of discovery. Been going to church more and more often. Been reading about more and more religious texts. Picked up the book for Everything to Know About Islam. Been reading some Jehovah Witness literature. Had plans to go see the Dalai Lama at Universal City CityWalk last weekend. (Plans fell through) Listening to lots of Matisyahu. Don’t know if that counts. Love listening to Halleluiah. Been jumping in my pool a lot, kind of rebirth/ pretend baptism of sorts. I’m attending weekly Religious Inquiry class Tuesday nights.  I pray every sunrise and sunset. I pray when I eat. I pray when I go to bed. I pray when I wake up. I find myself planning on attending morning mass on weekdays. 

Been reawakened of sorts. Never been a churchie, so this all new.  I am finding strength—I am finding understanding—I am finding peace whenever and wherever I pray.  It’s funny. I’ve heard so many people say it’s chore to attend. I  like it. I like going to church.

What I like is continuity. I like the message of hope and redemption. I like meaning and symbolism of the events. Lent, for example, is a warm-up for Easter. For the resurrection. The forty days symbolizes Christ’s 40 days in the desert being tempted by the Fallen. The ashes on the forehead represents an ancient tradition reminding people, “from dust we came, from dust we shall return.” Its 6 times a day, worshippers of the Muslim faith prays. It’s the reading stating from the Jehovah Witness that a sprinkling of water on the forehead is not a true baptism until one is fully submerged. It’s the learning that in Jewish Temple, there is the big room where the highest of highest books are placed. It’s the tradition that the people of the Muslim faith have to take a journey to Mecca. Its Dalai Lama’s 13^th Incarnation. Its Shamanism of the Totech and the 5 agreements.  What I like is everything.

Don’t know where any of this leading. Don’t really have any expectations. It just seems to clear. I know so little and this I don’t know what to call. It brings me peace and strength. It makes sense to me. I am just thanking the Big Smile. There are times of melancholy. There are times of forgetfulness. There are times I question where this manifestation comes from. All I know is that I feel congruent. I feel steadfast and expansive. I see things more clearly. I notice more. I take pictures all the time. I am just amazed about everything. Events seem more purposeful. It feels like a jigsaw puzzle coming into place.

I’m getting these Ah-ha moments all the time. Strange, I know.  Events of long ago, events of the future, and  moments-in-the-now  feel “together” I worry less about the past. I am not so concerned with the upcoming. I am just here and it seems so clear. There are questions--so many questions. Yet, it feels like if I look more closely, listen more intently and keep my heart more open answers just appear.  Of course, there is life stuff. There’s always life stuff. Yet, it’s just stuff.

“Vague”—Yup. I will work on that.

Well, what a difference a day can make. What a difference a 10 miles of cardio can do. What a difference jumping into a cold pool will do. No--Its more what new discovered Faith has me doing. Jumping a freezing cold pool. It has me doing 10 miles of cardio. It has me attending church more often. It has me reading the the Bible, the Torah, and the Koran. It has me feeling more in tune. 

Well, it’s gym time again.

It's A New Dawn

Birds flying high,
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..
And I'm feeling good--The Roar of the Greasepaint—the Smell of the Crowd, 1965 musical


Song Lifts the Spirit
How are you feeling? Lyrics from the “Feeling Good” written by Newley and Bricusse. Sang by many musical luminaries, Nina Simone, John Coltraine, Sammy Davis Jr, George Michael, the Muse, and so many more.

How are you feeling?
Word choice, the painting of a picture, the accompaniment of the percussion, the resonance of a singers voice raises spirits in ways that I cannot adequately describe. Every morning, I have been taking pictures of the sunrise. It reminds to think of something beautiful. This song “Feeling Good” explains has how I feel when I see the sunrise.

Firebird Promise, Why?
Seeing the sunrise, even when there is no sun to see, it still brings me . . .Joy. It brings me Hope. Knowing it is out there it brings me strength. I get energized. It brings me sleep, bringing me peace that a person can do more. A person remake oneself with every passing moment. One can get another chance. One can do more. One can do better. If not in this life, but in the next. One can strive to do more, to do better, to be better. It’s a new life.

Ray of Sunshine, You Can Be
Raining quite a bit lately. Streets flooded. Car stalled. Roads closed. Tornadoes stopped traffic. City blocks blacked out. Yet, knowing there a new dawn, a new day, I can’t help but feel good. I hope in your quest you remember that songs that brings a new Hope. In cloudy days, it may be a sliver of sunshine that can make all the difference in the world. Before you know it, the whole sky is filled with Hope and Joy.


Remember you, too, can be that sliver of light on that cloudy day. Be that blossom in the tree. Be that butterfly out having fun. You know what I mean. Hug your kids. Smile at the passerby. Kiss the Loved One. Be bold in this old world because in a flash it can be a new world. You can be that beam of light that starts the sunshine that takes up the entire sky.

Now, you know how I feel. “And I’m feeling good.”

My Promise to the Sunrise and to the Sunset

Lantern Away
Made a promise today. Its a big one for me. I have decided open my heart. I have decided to put it in someone else's hands and jump. Hal Jordan jumped off a cliff and just let go. For those comicphilles you will know who this is and I will leave it at that. It was the first edition of the second series I believe. I digress. Looking over the cliff and just letting go. Diving headfirst, death inches away, and now faith renewed.

This post is my world promise, my announcement to all. I will take the steps to get this done, but for now Universe its no turning back. This declaration is commitment to yours truly. Its my promise to be unwavering. To let my conviction to you be an example in this brief time. An announcement of my faith in this relationship. I hereby promise to take formal steps and there will be some studying, but I am going to jump. No, I am not getting married. No, I am not coming out of the closet. I am not. I very much love women. But I have decided to be open and be guided.

I will take the road of Chris in the Morning from Cecily, Alaska. Northern Exposure reference. (Another favorite)

Firebird Promise: Sunrise and Sunset
Made a promise. Every sunrise and every sunset to take 5 minutes. Talk and listen. I will hear your message. I will listen for your song. City of Angel. Close my eyes and listen. You were there and I thank you.


You Can Put Me Down Now
No turning back. The track of single footsteps are yours when you carried me through these troubling times. I believe I can walk now. You can put me down now. Its my turn to stand and walk. Not alone, but by your side. Hand in hand now. As has its always been. Thank you for holding me together. Let me never forget this promise to you to be steadfast. Doubts begone. My Faith unshakened and now renewed. I am so thankful for all you have done. Baby steps are over now. Leaps are now my expectation. May my actions be a testament to yours. Be well and thank you all you have done.