Desert Summer Nights

Warm summer night. Music playing outside. Family is enjoying a swim. Teenagers are watching Twilight and little ones are a little tired. Corns on the cob, steaks medium rare. Mashed potatoes my favorite. Its been a short summer. A good summer. Haven’t traveled much, but a night like this. . .Nothing in the world be better. No where I would rather be.

Ears have been muted. . .and finally, my swimmers ears have subsided. Last night for the grunion runs. 405 finished 19 hours early and the roads are open. Carmageddon is done and freedom is again free. A friend has taken a sabbatical and I sense she is troubled. Weeded my friends list on FB and the summer adventures will be starting soon. Arches, bears, and faces of President are the future. Hope to see sand castles soon. I’d like to go the Con.

So many summers have passed and its been a good life. Having these journeys we have a life vision of what we are supposed to do. We’ll have a life review and hope next time it will be better. Still we forget, about the "Now." Holding on to past we try to discover what is that holds us back. We think it is something from our past. It probably is. We think in terms of good and not so good.

We hold and are held by our Fears. Rationalizing why we did this and that. Hoping that our voice is heard. We listen. Those synchronicities, those coincidences, those de ja vues--we dismiss. Lest we forget these are the things, these hints, these gentle proddings to move where we are supposed to go. We stray from the destination we made before we were born.  We spend a lifetime trying to get where we think where need to be.  Yet all too often we get sidetracked following others dreams which are not ours. We spend time working for something that is not ours. Yet, we discover where need to be.  May be late, but I remember an old quote from Hardball. “When angry, throw your golf clubs in the direction of the next Hole.

We will get sidetracked. We, in our journey, will discover. What that is, it is okay. In our review, we will make our own little prisons. Held for indiscretions until we can forgive and let go. Not an easy task at times. It is a very powerful act to forgive.  Many at times would rather hold on to the hurt and pain instead of freeing themselves of the prison that holds them back.  We displace, we intellectualize, we project these feeling on to others who do not deserve this. True, many of us wronged for no apparent reason. We are harmed. We are hurt, because the damage done was unjustified.

Still, we must remember we are a mix. We are good. We, at times, act in not so proud ways. If we trespass on others, we must forgive those because we wish their forgiveness. A reciprocity of love. We “FOR” “GIVE”. It is a giving for others. . .It is a giving for oneself. Our time is too short to hold on to so much pain. . .too short to hold on to such anger. . .too short to hold to hate.  Love hard because life too short. Moments pass so quickly that a lifetime happens in moments.

So enjoy your summer nights. Listen to that Marley. Take a dip in that refreshing pool. Luxuriate in the sounds of laughter and smile with happiness in your eyes. Scream with a joy in your heart. Be at peace in your soul.

Day to remember those that were bigger

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself--Joseph Campbell

Starts with a post

Just got this quote from a Facebook post.  Thinking of all the friends and family members that were in the military on this Memorial Day. 2010. All those that serve this country for the protection of our freedom and liberty. For a time, the American People were not so nice to Veterans and this is a tough thing to swallow. Calling Korean and Vietnam veterans baby killers. Spitting on returning troops. Not paying soldiers for risking their lives in previous battles.

Military and Movies

Saw a movie, Stop Loss. It was a tough movie. Basically, the US Government said, "No, you can’t go just yet. Yes, you fulfilled your country’s duty. However, we just need you for a little longer." This last year the Academy Award winner was for movie call the Hurt Locker. It’s about bomb demolition specialist that goes back into the fray. It reminds me of part of the movie Black Hawk Down. At the end of the movie, one of the Rangers grabs a quick bite to eat and heads back into Mogadishu.  

Not Our Best Moment

There is something basic—very basic about the human condition. Here people can be so unkind to others. Regular people--you and me--with very noble intention to serve is rebuked and betrayed. A person consciously decides to withstand all the difficulties and fight for cause that is bigger than selves.  Yet return to with such. . .crap.  Just basic Crap. Fighting for your country, fighting for something bigger. They return--not to a hero’s welcome--but to crap, piss, and spit.It makes one give pause to stepping into the fray.

Scaling Mountains

This was not a country's best moments. Yet, when you see hero types, the unsung heroes that strap on and gets back in the fray. No fanfare. No medals. No rewards. Just the knowledge that they helped another. They climbed mountains and built something wonderful. This is what heroes are. You realize, "Hey, there is something more. I am part of his/her team, I am part of the human race. You realize you, too, can be a rock climber. I am part of that genome. I got hero in me, too." 

Green Angels Among Us

At times, we are faced with ugliness. When desperation and evil stares in the face, I find solace that others had the gravitas to be bigger than stupid individuals, hurt feelings, and displaced rage. They were able to stand up and step up to be bigger. To get higher, we need to remember on Memorial Day, we stand on the shoulders of giants.They are our base, our foundation.

Emissary Goats sent to Azazel

Who's Fault Is It Now? In Leviticus 16:8-10, Emissary goats--Scapegoats--were sent to Azazel.

Stupidity happens. Injustice occurs. Intolerance and Scapegoating is a historical fact. First it was immigrants for the country’s woes. It was the Indians. Then Asians. The Jews. Now it’s the Mexicans. Blaming someone else for the society's problem is not a new tactic. 

If we can remember, these scapegoating tactics were used against Jews, homosexuals, and anyone un-uberman-like. The United States fought World War II to stop concentration camps and the whole extermination of a people.

Before calling the kettle you know, let's not get too big-headed. America is not within its own evils. Slavery of Africans, taking of Native Americans lands and cultures, and internment camps of the Japanese Americans. Lets not forget Fred Korematsu and other Civil Rights leaders. Remember J. Adams? How about B. Franklin? T. Jefferson? G. Washington and the other signatories of the Declaration of Independence. You are right this what American soldiers fought and died for.

One could say it’s the politicians' fault. But that too would be the same scapegoating. French Revolution said that it was the riches fault for everything. Thanks Charles Dickens f Tale of Two Cities.

Before doing this I am reminded of not a well-known Jewish holiday, Erev Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is a big day to the Hebrews. Yom Kippur is a day for atoning for the sins against God. The day before Yom Kippur is Erev Yom Kippur. On this day people apologize and ask forgiveness from friends, relatives, and acquaintances to heal hurt feelings. In other words, before we ask Forgiveness from God, we ask it from each other. 

So What Do We Do?

Really, I am not sure.Wish I had the answer. I believe in the Sir Galahad theory. Before doing this, perhaps we can remember no one wants to be sent Azazel as emissary goats. Perhaps we can remember Erev Yom Kippur before we battle in the name of God. Perhaps we will not need to remember so many on this hallowed day

Possible Answer: Be an Eternal Flame

Fight for the causes you believe in. Stand up before the fight begins. If one can’t do that, then feel in your heart.  In time, we may learn that we are all connected. In time, we may be friends. Maybe in time we learn to eat, play, and celebrate together.  Dalai Lama said that we need more festivals. Maybe this is true. Eat and celebrate together. We get to see our neighbor in the eye. We need to see that fire for life. We got to be that Eternal Flame.

Sweeping changes may be needed. Flood, plague, and fire have been used for the cleaning of house. Right now our world is bleeding and BP can’t seem to plug up this hole. Spilling of our oceans is killing us and our world. Volcanoes are spewing ash in the sky. Earthquakes are saying that there's a time for change. Don’t want to get Armageddon -ish. It’s not my thing. Death happens to us all. What I am saying is that we should remember--and more importantly--learn from the past. You know the rest of the saying.

Another Possible Solution: Marine Motto Semper Fidelis means Always Faithful. Faith is defined as a fidelity to one's promise. According to Merriman-Webster dictionary Faith does not simply define "belief and trust and loyalty God." It stands as an allegiance to duty and others. It is our duty. Our duty in believing as people--and more importantly--as a person that we (I) can and should do better. On this Memorial Day, the Fallen have given “. . .the last full measure of devotion”—Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address.

We need to remember. It is our duty to remember. It is our duty to respect. To stand up and be bigger than ourselves.  Perhaps with this, this simple belief and acceptance that we are more similar than different, then maybe we can fix these things hurting ourselves and our world.

First it is a feeling.  A recognition of right and wrong. Your soul will tell you what is. Just have to listen. A thought will manifest itself to a belief. Next an action.

Another Solution: Remembering

If we can remember “It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.” Gettysburg Address, Lincoln again. 

Saw a movie (Yes, another movie) Taking Chance. A simple story about a Marine volunteering to do Escort Duty for a Fallen Soldier. He is met acts of kindness and respect on their journey home. So let me be simple and start. Russell, Mike C., M. Jones, Marvin, Dad, and others in the military--Thank you on this hallowed day, Memorial Day.

Balloon Therapy

D. Valdez--"It is ALWAYS GRANTED when asked for....

Couple days ago asked for Forgiveness. On Facebook. Couple of nights ago, got in a car accident.

Driving on Palmdale Boulevard at a quarter past eight at night. Just past the rotary and out of nowhere. . .it looked like a white boxer. Brown, too. It was to my right. It was dark. Driving 50. It happened in a split second.

Moving On Means Going Back, Too
All of sudden, Blam!!! Continued driving. Had this sinking feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve hit dogs before late at night, but this was different. Drove on. Got home, but couldn't stop. Decided to go back. Flipped a U-ie. Called the 911 to inform police to where the incident happened. Felt horrible. Why? Because I just kept going.

It was only 3 minutes there and back--I remember--since the accident happened. But needed to know that dog was not suffering. Emergency lights on, drove up and down the street twice looking for the dog. No blood. No dog. No nothing. When the officer arrived, we searched but could not find a thing. Nothing. 

Stopped under a light and got to see the dent to the right front bumper. It was good foot in length. Time for a new bumper. What troubled me the most is not the accident. Nor the deductible. It was not finding the dog. Just bothered me so. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t get mind off it. Remembering the crunch. Feeling of the steering wheel trying to correct the car after the swerve. Just wanted to ease my mind knowing that dog didn’t suffer much.

Salvation Is Not Always In Church
Logically knew there was not much more that could be done. Mind was straight, just my heart felt heavy. It was an accident, no one’s fault, but it weighed on me. Woke up the next morning, foregoing my walk and run. Just left the house. Found myself at St. Mary’s and just prayed. It was 6:40 am. Ten minutes in the morning mass.  I prayed, took communion, and then left still feeling uneasy.

Message From the Heaven
On the way to LCH, noticed from a distance a dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell. what it was. Driving closer and closer to Lancaster, past Avenue N, past Avenue K, the dot got bigger and bigger. Got to the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulled the Pentax out and started looking for that dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell still. Its a Monday. No hot air balloons on a weekday. People are working. 

Using the zoom, I realized the dot in the sky was a hot air balloon. An uncommon sight. Usually it’s a Saturday or Sunday when balloons dot the sky. Today, there it was. Most people would be out working, but this day was different. Started noticing my heart feeling lighter. Guess, my prayers were heard. Right then, realized and accepted damage was done and needed to move on.

Junipero Serra's Missions: Looking Up, Moving On
Something about looking up in the sky, and watching hot air balloons. My mind understood, but my heart still felt heavy for the loss. My heart needed to let go. It needed to lighten. It hurt and it bothered me. But seeing the dot in the sky helped me moved on. Can’t erase this memory, but one can reconcile on the mistakes made. 

Took pictures of a hot air balloon that was down a day earlier. Saw its descent and its landing on a field. Saw the retrieval truck pick up the passengers on their landing. Saw how the retrieval team follow the balloon on the roads. It was dangerous because the balloon was on Avenue M, near the airport. Right in front where planes land. Saw how quickly they were able to pick up these people up in the heavens and take them home.Maybe this is how Angels work.

Hindu Temple, Karma
I hope that the Dog found peace. I hope that Dog had lived a good life. I hope that Angels were able to pick up this Dog and take it to Heaven, to take the dog Home. I hope the Dog will forgive me.

After some time, it made me realize that we make mistakes. Sometimes people cause accidents. Sometimes people are the victims of accidents. Asking for and giving Forgiveness is hard at times. Whether you go to Church or Temple, there is something transformative in the act of Forgiving. Learned that lesson well. 

Angels Everywhere
Been burdened with heavy heart for a time. Now, done my crying. Done my hurting. Working on being Done with the heavy heart. "No more" is the plan. Got to pick up and let my soul take flight. Brian, Em, Robin, and so on—I Love You dearly. Got to go. Got to go with God. You are always with me. I believe the Big Smile will bring us back together.

Someday. 

Maybe next time we can do it better.

Epigram

Criticism: Some people love you, some people don’t. 

Fire Me Up, Don't Burn Me Down

It’s easy to tear something down. To take down brick by brick the works of others. Sometimes this is needed. That is all some can do. Tear things down. No skills to build, just to demolish. Perhaps, criticism is well-founded. Perhaps, the ones that criticize have been there and done that. 

Talk So Much, But Not Saying A Thing
More often than not, the ones that are harshest and have the most sting are the ones that have been hurt the most. A defense tactic learned early to protect this hurt child. Criticizers and talking heads attack because an over-abundance of anger and hate.  Negative critics remind me of CNN or Fox "so-called-experts." Wrong with this. Wrong with that. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing of substance these bobble head speak. Their tirades are. . .uninspired.

Void Needs Filling. Don't Be A Soul Assassin

They grab and attack others energies to boost their own waning supplies. Can’t create this positive energy themselves, so they prey on others. Looking for a weakness. Looking for an opening. Looking for something that is missing. They find it. They always find something missing. Trouble is they can't fill themselves. There is a hole in their heart. There is a hole in their soul. They are spilling bile because inside gangrene festers.Before criticizing ask this, What will you leave in the world?

To the critics, I am reminded by Orlando Bloom, Kingdom of Heaven, quote “What is a Man Who Does Not Make the World Better Place.”

Value In Everything

When the words of angry detractors pollute my prana. I try to find the message. At times, there is difficulty. Difficulty in decoding the message. There is anger and hurt. Difficulty in the message because the messenger may not have command of the words to communicate their meaning. Difficulty in the message because we have personal blocks that don’t allow us to hear the true meaning. There is a message. May take some time, to uncover the noise. But the feedback is valued. Learned a new word, Epigram. Thank you. Your other stuff, still working on it. Will give the attention its due

Let Them Cry

If a person is taking the time to retort, give feedback, criticize, than that is okay. He cared enough to write. He cared enough to read more. He cared enough to share. Sometimes the display of affection is misguided and looks like graffiti.

Guess, I would be more upset if one didn't care. From the feedback read, one must care a lot. Touching an exposed nerve can be uncomfortable. Guess, one has to take a punch at times. At this time I say, "Ouch." Just don't see the world in those angry eyes. Just garbage.

Negative criticism--I liken it to a baby crying. He cries because he needs attention. He cries because he hungers for something missing. He cries because he is having a tizzy fit. To this, let them cry. In time, his sobs will abate. He will discover other ways to communicate. Negative criticizers will grow up. It's still taking me time for me to grow up, too.

Analogy Rant: ON

So when the noise gets too loud, turn down the volume. If the ugly words graffiti-ize your space, then paint over it. Raise the rent because the space in your head is too valuable. Talking heads are bargaining for a discount because they can’t pay. The bee stings cause anaphylactic shock, then take the epi and move on. One will be short of breath. One's throat will be constricted. However, take meds. One's respiratory rate will return. One's heart will go back to normal. Understand it and move. If one doesn’t understand, get some space. Get some distance. Move on. Look at the bigger picture. This bombardment of pathogens is constant. An immunity will be built. Angry words will bounce off thickened skin. The WBCs will phagocitize this alien body. The kidneys and bowels will just excrete this out. 

Let Go. Go with God

Much props to the ones that have gone before us. We should memorialize those that have made us stronger and better. To the talking heads and angry criticizers, I forgive because at times it make us stronger and better. I understand that is all one can do is tear down. Sorry. Everyone needs to be loved. Just some are harder to love than others.

Mind, Body, Soul--Kingdom of Heaven

Heaven In All of Us

Kingdom of Heaven—Story of a man in pursuit of Forgiveness. His adventure to the Holy Land is the secondary story. His recently passed wife in melancholy commits a mortal sin at the loss of her newborn. Orlando Bloom, the lost son of a Knight of note, journeys to Jerusalem , “A place to ask for Forgiveness.” Following his recently-introduced—recently-passed—father, Orlando Bloom goes through a series of events in his journey to find salvation. He saves not only his soul, but saves a city from certain death. A common man born of uncommon roots finds gifts in would be tragedies. 

Kingdom of Heaven--Yahoo  and
Kingdom of Heaven--Wikepedia

Dark Nights

In every event, we can face life with a melancholy  view. We can view it with open heart. Tragedies are not tragedies until you decide that they are. If you believe life sucks, then it sucks. If your heart weighs heavy, then it will weigh heavy on more than your  body and mind. It weighs on the soul. Trust me. I know. My heart has suffered much. Did not realize the damage done was caused by the pain on my soul. It manifested in CHF. Did not face what effected it. Did not accept the bigger picture. Lost sight of the long view. Hid in work. Hid in denial. Traveled and lived in cities far and away. They were not my home. They were not where my heart was. Hid from what could have been a most glorious times of my life. 

I cried at this loss. Don't want to cry anymore. 

Searched for Forgiveness and now I journey.

Whatever Fates have for me, it will be faced with an open heart. Hope this will heal my soul and in turn my wounded heart.

New Day Coming

Accepted that the Anger and Rages was not mine to own. Thought that this anger, this pain was mine. It wasn’t. Owned it when I should not have. It was another's pain. Another's defense mechanism. It was not my burden, but I accepted it. Did not know that at the time. I remember only the anger and rage. Broken chairs and holes in the walls. Remember that a former life. A passed life.  It was little of me not to see the big picture. It was little of me not step and listen to the angels speaking to me. For this, I am sorry. Could rationalize and say that the stress and anger, depleted my sense of reason.  It did. However, that was no excuse. Could have done so much more these many, many—too many—lost years. I accept all of it. My pain, others. Now, its time for a new day.

Does Making A Man a Knight A Better Fighter? Yes!!!

That Chapter of my Dark Time over now. Its Over now. Here comes the fun stuff. This story has changed. It is now a quest. Hope to find salvation. Hope to be redeemed. Maybe this unburdening in these blogs, will bring real my conviction of change to fruition. First, a Thought. Then, a Desire. Next, an Action. Lastly, A Smile because that pain and anger has become a memory that turned into a lesson remembered.  

My love for movies, for comics, for books stems from lessons learned. Stories, fables, and morals remind me that something better is always there. Just takes work. Just takes some time. Just takes Forgiveness. Just takes courage.  Just takes a belief.

In the beginning, there was a word. . .The rest followed. 

Let that Word Be a Good One.

Faith Is Yours

Can’t undo the things I’ve done. Looks like I can’t make up things that I failed to do. I have made my apologies. I made my attempts at reconciliation and redemption. My sorries were apparently too little and too late. My efforts not suffice. Wish that I could change things. Wish I knew another way to re-connect. They are at different place and I do not have the wherewithal to reconnect. This part is a mystery.

Being unanswered, says a lot. “No Answer” is an answer.

They were polite by accepting friend requests. However, it appears they moved on. And I am not invited. No hate in my heart for them or the situation. Just being a ghost. . .doesn’t wear well with me. I need to shed the hollow spirit shell. It sufficed in protecting me from the cold allowing me to heal at this soul loss. Now this hollow shell’s heaviness collects new pain and sorrow. A burden I no longer wish to carry. It’s stopping me from growing. From moving on.

No new joy comes. What’s left is but good memories of a time past. Their profile pics remind me I am not in other’s lives. Their comments and posts tell me they are alive. I thrill at their life and joys, but the feeling I get weighs. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But it feels like am dead in their eyes. I will not pursue because I have been accepted but unanswered. A soul banishment. Perhaps it was the previous me they accepted. Perhaps it’s the past me that they banished. Points in my life I am. Points in my life I was. Points in my life that I can’t erase. I am those things and no longer am those things. I hear me and I no longer will be a ghost. My journey with them this lifetime looks like its past.  Happiness is there and theirs. That will be enough for now. I need to journey and find my own.

Big Smile, thank you for letting me share some time with these good people. Looks like I will close some doors because there’s a draft on my soul. The winds of absence chills me. It stills my heavy heart. It still beats, so I can’t stay here no more. Ghost no more. Forgive me for letting go. Please open new doors for me.

I hope someday to be forgiven. I have forgiven myself and I hope others may follow.

I hurt. I loss.

I . . .

I believe it’s time. I believe it’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go. 

Time to grow up. Time to Grow on.

I need my soul to heal.

Big Smile, send them my Love. Please give me the wisdom and strength to accept their absence. If willing, may our next journey together be soon. May the next time together, I am better in the lessons of lifelong friendships that I failed this lifetime. If I have just one or two lifelong friends, I am okay with that.  

For now, I’ll just pray and be thankful. Please refill me. Please fill my heart with love again.

My Faith is Yours.

Sleepies, the Place In Between

Saturday—Heart has been heavy for a few days. Haven’t wanted to write. It’s just that the weight has been bringing me down. Depths that I rather not be. Feeling disconnected in many ways. I know the source for this emptiness, but am a bit helpless. It’s in another’s hands. Tried this and that, but alas rien. 

Don’t like to be in this place. But I have Hope. I have Faith things will turn around. Only can Pray and let another guide me where I need to be. Brother and his family left for the Magical Kingdom for the weekend. It’s niece Lynn’s Birthday. She’s ten. Couldn’t tell you how much I needed to be where family was last night. Practically ran out the door from Reiki class.

Trying to live more present. Trying to enjoy where I am. Yet, can’t help from being there and apart at the same time. In Vein of Gold meeting, felt disconnected there, too. Perhaps, it was because I missed the week prior. Perhaps, its because I don’t share much commonality with the matriarchs. Perhaps, it was the spread of the morose from the previous “Soul Loss.”

Read that Soul Loss in shaman-speak is an illness of dire order. Yeah, I feel an emptiness. Yeah, I feel less than. Yeah, I lack some feel in my feel. At times, it fills when I go to St. Mary’s. Yeah, it fills when I’m present in wherever I am. Yet, I felt like Luke in Dagobah planet with Master Yoda (Sorry, my nephew has gotten me the Spielberg Mode). It feels there is an anger and cloudiness, a morose. It is during Luke’s Jedi training, he get frustrated and distraught being it of the Force. When its Flows, it flows. Yet, after coming from a high, there is a bit of crashing. Not a welcome grounding, like when a cesna comes down from getting beat up by the high, high winds. It is more a thunderous thud.

Sitting here in Vista Point. I watch the sunrise. Overlooking Lake Palmdale, the cars behind me speed by. A White Dodge Caravan is parked next. The driver is bundled up in a nice, warm fuzzy blanket catching some ZZZZZ’s. It reminds me of Master Yoda sitting in his car seat. Partly awake, partly asleep. Being transported from the warm comfortable crib to be awaken in the early, early morning to the car seat to Ford Tundra.

Everyone is awake in the early morning darkness. Things are a buzz as the rest readies themselves for the journey ahead to meet Donald and Minnie. Going to California adventure. Master Yoda is still not awake due to late night of jumping on pillow bridges, escaping the dangers of toy monsters at his feet. The Dodge Caravan guy next has himself wrapped up warming up and waking up to new day to come. Not quite ready for the beautiful day to come. He’s has his head covered to the morning sun. I know this place. I like this place. This place enjoys of the heat circulating warmth under the blanket that is getting heated by the showering sun.

I know my emptiness, its all around. My heavy heart beats my weighted blood which circulates my morose. True, I understand this will not last. There is a brighter day to come. I can see it now. Yet, not quite ready to take on the day, this is morose and angst is just a lesson. It is the sleepies crusting my eyes closed. It’s the before I wake up from the warm wrapped blanket. The cars behind me speeding my telling me we are here. I feel the warmth of the morning sun underneath the oh-so cozy blanket telling me it’s time to wake up.

I know this moment before I wake up and get up and go. This is when I can still enjoy my sleep under the so warm blanket and wake up before the beauty of the day.  It’s the place before happy REM departs and the morning day begins. I am not fond of this in-between. Leaving a happy dream and waking up to a beautiful day. This is where my morose lives. This where the emptiness sucks. This is the time being nudged awake from good evening dream.

My eyes will open. I will say goodbye to my beautiful dream to meet the wonderful new day. I will wipe the morning crusties—my morning sleepies—from my eyes. I just not enjoy the moments that in the between. Ah, time to open my eye. Just let me finish my dream. I want to see how it ends.

I Can't Do This, Sam--Frodo

Plans Change

Sitting in Customer Lounge at Robertson this morning. Needed to have Civic checked again. It was the second time in 2 days that I needed to get a jump. Five times I had to get a jump start since I brought it here three weeks back to get my battery checked. They said it was good. My car thinks otherwise. Lucky for me, I have in my flash drive a few flics: Ninja Assassin, Up In the Air, and To Paris With Love. Relatively, new movies. Took my meds with no food and I’m feeling it now. Had different things planned for today: haircut, hospital, Morning Mass, working out, and bill-paying. Not something extremely difficult, but necessary.

Star-Gazing At the Kodak

Had different plans for the night before and it didn’t pan out as I would like. Hoping to see the Oscars, no, I mean experience the Academy Awards. Planned on going to the Kodak Center on Highland and something and be one of the wanna-be paparazzi and take some photos. Never did it before, but thought it would be cool to do. Only thing close to ceremony with luminaries was my time with Shelly when we went to the Vegas Star Trek Hilton opening. Caught some pics with Jerry Ryan, Levar Burton, Jonathon Frakes, and few other actors in the various series.

It’s funny how we go star-gazing. These people who are like you and me, we just gawk with adoration. Their skills--their talents--is to mask and pretend. Their gift is to be characters in a story. Sure, this is make-believe, but stories are important. We like hero archetypes. We like to root against villains. The story is game of the struggle. The stories are of tragedy, loss, comedy, and love. The quest of the hero is to battle. To win to lose. To be reborn and be made better. To be something more. What I find is that people, like me, need to be inspired by these heroes, real and imagined.

Story of My Life

More and more, I am finding that we have this in all of us. We can be the hero to our own story. We need to be the hero in our story.

If you were watching a movie of your life, would it be an interesting story? Would you change the channel of your own life? Would it be a struggle? Would it be a tragedy? A comedy? Who would be your love interest? Who would be the primary characters in the movie that is you? Really, you are the producer of your own movie, your own film. You edit the story of your life.You decide what memories to keep and what to leave on the cutting floor.

And the Winner Is. . .

Working out last night watching part of the Oscars, I saw the parts of the awarding of the male lead presentation. Jeff Bridges, Morgan Freeman, George Clooney, Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker) were the nominees. It was a nice presentation. Couldn’t hear the words being said (No radio on Ipod). However, I could see the faces and pictures of the nominees. It was nice collage of the body of works of these performers. Susan Sarandon’s other, Tim Robbins spoke in behalf of Morgan Freeman. In the background was Shawshank Redemption. George Clooney had Vera Farmiga. Jeremy Renner had Collin Ferrel. Michelle Pfieffer spoke of Jeff Bridges (They worked on the Fabulous Baker Boys) I liked how these people spoke in behalf of the Oscar nominees. It reminded me of a lawyer's summation of a good trial movie.

Defend Your Life

Not in a negative way, it reminded me of eulogy. People that worked with these great actors spoke in their behalf. Much like the telling heartfelt stories of the life occasions shared at a funeral. A lady I know said she liked the idea of angels advocating your life. Before going to next level, if you believe in Heaven, one would have to defend one’s life. A movie would show snippets of one’s life advocating moving up or re-doing life. All the good. All the Bad. Everything’s everything and its effect. One would be held accountable for the actions and events that would be your life. 

Imagine your life, if it ended today and you had to be judged, how would it turn out? Would you be proud of the life you have lived? Would you proud what you produced? Are you proud of everything you have done?

I’ve had good moments. I’ve had bad. Overall, I'm not happy with everything. Not so far. I have events in my life that I would like to re-do. I can’t do that though. Can only admit mistakes, move on, and do better next time. One of my favorite quotes comes from author, martial artist, and Icon. Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.--Bruce Lee I am working on the admitting part. Courage: its growing.

In the story that is your life, what are you producing? What are you holding on to? What are you fighting for? Are you worth watching?

I think, Yes.

Best Producer Award Goes To. . .

Remember, in the movie of your life, danger and despair are part of a good story, a good story that matters. You may try to re-shoot parts, but the other actors may not be there to re-shoot. As producer in the editing room of your mind, you can cut out things not worth keeping. In the end, you make your own story. During the acceptance speech, its customary to give thanks. In the end, you need to give credit to actors and actress. You need to give credit to the costume producers, the set producers, the prop specialists, the lighting, the gaffers, the assistants, the assistant’s assistants, the everything. Not all are major characters, but their presence had an impact in your movie. Well, enough with that.

Dark times passes. Courage takes note the many chances of turning back, but it keeps on.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.