Sleepies, the Place In Between

Saturday—Heart has been heavy for a few days. Haven’t wanted to write. It’s just that the weight has been bringing me down. Depths that I rather not be. Feeling disconnected in many ways. I know the source for this emptiness, but am a bit helpless. It’s in another’s hands. Tried this and that, but alas rien. 

Don’t like to be in this place. But I have Hope. I have Faith things will turn around. Only can Pray and let another guide me where I need to be. Brother and his family left for the Magical Kingdom for the weekend. It’s niece Lynn’s Birthday. She’s ten. Couldn’t tell you how much I needed to be where family was last night. Practically ran out the door from Reiki class.

Trying to live more present. Trying to enjoy where I am. Yet, can’t help from being there and apart at the same time. In Vein of Gold meeting, felt disconnected there, too. Perhaps, it was because I missed the week prior. Perhaps, its because I don’t share much commonality with the matriarchs. Perhaps, it was the spread of the morose from the previous “Soul Loss.”

Read that Soul Loss in shaman-speak is an illness of dire order. Yeah, I feel an emptiness. Yeah, I feel less than. Yeah, I lack some feel in my feel. At times, it fills when I go to St. Mary’s. Yeah, it fills when I’m present in wherever I am. Yet, I felt like Luke in Dagobah planet with Master Yoda (Sorry, my nephew has gotten me the Spielberg Mode). It feels there is an anger and cloudiness, a morose. It is during Luke’s Jedi training, he get frustrated and distraught being it of the Force. When its Flows, it flows. Yet, after coming from a high, there is a bit of crashing. Not a welcome grounding, like when a cesna comes down from getting beat up by the high, high winds. It is more a thunderous thud.

Sitting here in Vista Point. I watch the sunrise. Overlooking Lake Palmdale, the cars behind me speed by. A White Dodge Caravan is parked next. The driver is bundled up in a nice, warm fuzzy blanket catching some ZZZZZ’s. It reminds me of Master Yoda sitting in his car seat. Partly awake, partly asleep. Being transported from the warm comfortable crib to be awaken in the early, early morning to the car seat to Ford Tundra.

Everyone is awake in the early morning darkness. Things are a buzz as the rest readies themselves for the journey ahead to meet Donald and Minnie. Going to California adventure. Master Yoda is still not awake due to late night of jumping on pillow bridges, escaping the dangers of toy monsters at his feet. The Dodge Caravan guy next has himself wrapped up warming up and waking up to new day to come. Not quite ready for the beautiful day to come. He’s has his head covered to the morning sun. I know this place. I like this place. This place enjoys of the heat circulating warmth under the blanket that is getting heated by the showering sun.

I know my emptiness, its all around. My heavy heart beats my weighted blood which circulates my morose. True, I understand this will not last. There is a brighter day to come. I can see it now. Yet, not quite ready to take on the day, this is morose and angst is just a lesson. It is the sleepies crusting my eyes closed. It’s the before I wake up from the warm wrapped blanket. The cars behind me speeding my telling me we are here. I feel the warmth of the morning sun underneath the oh-so cozy blanket telling me it’s time to wake up.

I know this moment before I wake up and get up and go. This is when I can still enjoy my sleep under the so warm blanket and wake up before the beauty of the day.  It’s the place before happy REM departs and the morning day begins. I am not fond of this in-between. Leaving a happy dream and waking up to a beautiful day. This is where my morose lives. This where the emptiness sucks. This is the time being nudged awake from good evening dream.

My eyes will open. I will say goodbye to my beautiful dream to meet the wonderful new day. I will wipe the morning crusties—my morning sleepies—from my eyes. I just not enjoy the moments that in the between. Ah, time to open my eye. Just let me finish my dream. I want to see how it ends.

You Walk Alone, Sometimes. You Ask For Help, Sometimes

Got up. Got out. Gone. That was this morning. Went to bed early last night. Sporadic insomnia I think I'll call it. Woke up at 2 in the morning. Fell back to sleep again. Woke up at 4:45.  Back to sleep. Decided to finally get out of bed at 6:10. Morning sunrise was 6:47 and I needed to Sh*t, Shower and Shave before going to the Hospital.

14th Dalai Speaks

Before I knew it, I was in my morning spot. G-Time. Sunrise was covered by heavy clouds. It covered the morning sky. Glimmers of light were north, but the Sun was hidden. Yet, I know it’s there.  Faith is the belief in something is there despite any tangible evidence. Decided to take a road different today. It felt right. Saw dirt, desert, and tumbleweeds. An unusual combination in the Antelope Valley.  Had the Dalai Lama on the stereo. Book on CD is called the Universe In A Single Atom. Read by Richard Gere. 14th Dalai Lama

Crosses On Side of the Road, I've Seen My Share

Took some blackberry pics of the sunrise; it’s on Facebook. Also, took a picture of 4 crosses on a corner. It was on the corner of 70^th and Avenue M or N. Sad, but . . .  As an auto claims adjuster, I’ve seen my share of totaled cars. Writing now. Could that be. . .4 crosses? I wonder if that was my neighbor’s son?  Hmmm. New Crosses, not weather beaten. Another time.

Couldn’t help think of the movie I did not watch yesterday. Had my back to the Tv while it was playing. I was making up for the Lost Blog. The movie was Contact with Jodie Foster, Contact. If you don’t know, pick up the DVD. It seems to get better every time I see it.  

Front Row--They're Blind and I Can't Hear

First time, I saw it was at Movies 22 in Lancaster. Saw with Shelly’s family when it first came out. Both were legally blind. They had some vision, but Shelly’s mom, whose name escapes me, was constantly asking what was happening. A bit annoying at times, I was trying to hear dialogue of the characters. Personally had trouble. We sat in the front row. My neck still ache thinking about it. They didn’t like the movie. I think they felt unsatisfied. I enjoyed it.

Jodie Foster played a brilliant scientist with great drive and deep passion. Both parents died and this affected her emotional makeup deeply.  She worked on the SETI project and had to go through many incredible trials that would have broken most men. Yet, despite these heart-wrenching, motivating-stealing events, a course of purposeful accidents found her on this mission of discovery.

". . .Accept Her Story On Faith"

What stuck with me was this exchange with National Security Advisor Kitz, played by James Woods, and Ann Arroway (Jodie Foster). During a Congressional Committee investigation, Kitz the chief interrogator berates Arroway. Faced with mounds of evidence stating that nothing happened on her multi-year, multi-billion dollar six-second journey, Arroway remains hesitatingly steadfast. Arroway claims her adventure was an 18 hour journey to an unknown planet through cosmic “wormholes.” Kitz asks condescendingly, how can the world accept her personal accounts--traveling through the universe and conversation with an alien beings--when the rest of the world saw static. Despite all of the evidence to the contrary,  Arroway admits the lack of evidence to support her perception of the events, but maintains the validity of her story. She ask people to accept her story on Faith. Not an easy personal concession for Arroway.

Roadside Angel Has A Goatee and Drives a Salmon Truck

I have been going through a journey on Faith myself, my own Hero’s quest. Yesterday, left my car lights on while I was paying the water bill. To my benefit, my car would not start. Ordinarily, I call Roadside Assistance and wait an hour for my Triple A heroes to come.

Yet, today was different. I don’t like asking strangers for help, but today was different. Not that I am afraid to ask, I was in sales. Its just I like to do things on my own. No problem giving help because it makes me feel good. However, I said somewhere that one needs to let others be heroes. Changed my ways and chanced it. Decided to take my own advice.

I asked the man two parking spaces away for a jump. He just arrived. He was in a salmon colored truck. Not someone I would normally not ask for help, but today was different. He was wearing black sunglasses on a cloudy day. Weird? Thin and wearing white thermals, his dark glasses gave an ominous feel. That was until he smiled. His helpful demeanor relaxed me. Weathered, leathery sun-red face and his thin white goatee beamed warmth. Don’t know if he was supposed to be there for me, because I saw no one get out his salmon-colored truck. He just parked.  After jumping my car, he left. An angel in waiting?

Fighting Laundry Monsters, Get Help
I dunno. I am not proposing to ask strangers for assistance on dark, cloudy day. I am just saying Let yourself be helped. Allow others to be heroes. The weight you are carrying is not yours alone. The Cross you bear can get lighter if you ask for help. In other words, Let them help with the laundry monster, Lisa.

 

Sun Rings and Beach Sand--An Exercise In Listening

Sun Ring, Moon Ring. . .

Books My Friends
Read in an old Britannica book. Not the big thick brown tomes with the letters etched on the side. These were the thin, uniform-shaped white ones. These books were categorized in various topics, literature, world events, countries, etc. My favorites were the mythology and science. Best gifts ever. I was able to learn about anything and everything in these. These is where I found solace. This where my love for books took seed.


Self-Inflicted Sleep Problems
This will be a short post. I am low on gas. Low on time. I have got to get going. Last couple of days, I have been having trouble sleeping. Self-imposed, self-inflicted shots away from routine. A routine that I know makes me feel better. Slept on the couch, to George Lopez Comedy Special. No CPAP giving me my much needed breath of life. No comfortable king-sized bed to spread out. No comfort of the dark room. Two nights ago I was in the living room cuddled up, listening to the rants and laughter until Nox took over.

Last night, it was troubling. Thought about my life and how in a three or four decades, it will be over. Boy, could not go to sleep. Been thinking about things done and wondered is there enough time. Been surfing the net for exercise techniques to improve my writing. A few stood out. Alternate history, yearbook, and dollar. Alternate history one imagines a road not traveled, a "What If? comic book. What if you took different road, a different attitude during a significant time in your life. Yearbook, flip through the pages and write a story about the people inside. Who lived? Who died? What are they doing? Dollar, chronicle the exchanges of the dollar bill. Where does it go? What has happened?

Thought about these exercises, and it troubled me. Don't know whether my blood sugar got low and I was suffering from a hypoglycemic depression. Don't know whether the mid-life just hit. Will the next stage of my life be filled with purpose, hope, and renewed vigor. Or will it be. . .

In the coming months, in my journey toward Salvation. . .to the Big Smile. . .to whereever the Fates takes me, I will just Flow. Today's events will be to Tujunga to Uncle Juhn's birthday celebration. Need to get direction. Need to clean up. Need gas.


I Got This For You But I Didn't Know It At the Time
Back to the Sun ring. If you look up in the sky, you will notice around the sun. A ring of light. Sometimes its visible, sometimes its too bright The moon has one, too. Moon is easier to see Read about this phenomenon in my white Britannica. In my hurry out the door, I looked up saw the sun ring. Can't look at it directly, you'll go blind. No, I don't know. What significance does this have to what I write. Don't know how I will tie it end. But, I will.

I have been doing that lately. I do some things out of the ordinary, with this feeling that it has some later purpose.

Few weeks back I picked up some moleskin journals. Didn't know why at the time? I just knew I needed to get them. Thing is I just bought three myself earlier in the week and I thought it was an extravagance I did not need. Feeling kicked and I got them anyways. Later, spoke to my good friend Shazam. There was trouble and I sent them to her children. When speaking to them I knew it was for them

Last weekend, went with Jason, my cousin, to the beach. Had the same feeling. I emptied an aquafina. Went to the beach to and put beach sand and ocean water in the empty bottle. Very Saving Private Ryan-ish. Gathering dirt and putting it in a can. Last night, Kaprece and Kaelyn brought home some tiny hermit crabs in a water bottle. There was some sand, but nowhere the amount needed to keep them alive for the night. I said, "They have more beach sand and ocean water in my car. Go, get it. I have some in the car." They asked,"Why do you have beach sand in your car?" I replied, "Got it for you, but I didn't know you needed it at the time." Sun ring, same thing.

Its a Book of Five Ring's thing. Its the Ah-ha skill, I have been working on. Intuition. Listening to that voice, the nudge, the Angel (maybe). I'm more conscious to these nudges, these whisper, these "Ah-has"

Well, I need to run. I apologize for any typos, missed words, and run-ons. Please forgive. They say quantity over quality. That is what it is today.

Be well.