Happy Birthday, Mike

Cloudy this morning. Seems fitting for you today. Its your birthday and I want to let you know you are remembered. Only met you once and there was a sadness about it. The look on your face and I remember. Looking back I didn’t really notice then, but I do now. Hard to keep a straight face with all the emotions inside. I know.

You look like Kevin.  He’s an athlete like you. Football player. Spoke to one your mates. He said at half time you would change uniforms to perform during the band. The Arvin alumni band has your photos stream on. Your girlfriend, I assume, is a blond. Reminds me of Amanda. Similar tastes, I guess. Most of my friends were blonds, too.

Don’t know what you had to go through as you were growing up. From the awards I have of you, you were something. Wrestler, football player, drum major. I can see your Honor roll letters. Outstanding Student. Academic Honor Roll 1982. You danced too. You were truly an Alpha.

Spoke to one your mates. He said that if you someone got out of line, you were not afraid to get in their faces. Reminds me of Kevin. Kevin would have the Ultimate Warrior painted on his face when he competed. Not knowing you personally, I can see that. Kevin and I aren’t as musical as you are.  Kevin can dance. Dad was one dancer, too. When I was at Sig Ep parties, I would do my thing.

You probably know this already, but I visited you. A few days before your Halloween. Left some candy for you and one of your neighbors. Sorry it took so long. It took some time to find you. Had to walk up and down each plaque to find you. There was no directory available. Found you I did. I promise to be back before the month is up. Wanted to go today on your birthday, but just wasn’t in the stars. Supposed to snow and rain something fierce today. News has been reporting it. Its cloudy and the weather reporters may be right this time.

Called the school and the counselor remembers you. You must have made quite impression to foster a memory like that. I’m not surprised though. 

Last time I remember speaking about you was when I was AVC Student Body President.  Went to a get together and somehow a lady mentioned your name. She knew of you. Don’t know how or in what context, but it was you. Guess, I wasn’t  ready. Sorry. 

That accident. . .I don’t know how, but I can hear Dad saying, “Why? Why? Why?” He was in the hospital hallway. I know this, but I've never been there. Never went to funeral. Never went to you at the hospital. I was in junior high then and we barely knew each other. Sorry. Wasn't invited. I would have gone. I swear.

The trucker turned in and the rest. . .I’m sorry it happened. I would liked to have known you.

I remember that LA Express T Shirt you gave me. Wore it a few times. USFL, Steve Young. Thank you by the way.

It was a surprise to learn you have half-brother. I am graduating Sage Jr High and then to discover that I have an older brother. Can’t say that I was too happy. Maybe it was the time. Moving from Joshua Hills to a tougher part of the city. Maybe it was Rochelle passing. Maybe it was because I was mad at Dad. I was. Blamed him for many things. Some deserved. Some not. Maybe it was just puberty. Whatever it was, it was no excuse.

Took some pictures of the high school. Also went by the field you played on. Arvin is not a big town. It is farming land. Tiny main street. Not much for big box retail stores. It is a true farm city from what I gathered.  I can still see the statue of the Little Caesar on the building. This was much different city than Los Angeles. Don’t know how Dad got up here, but I will have to ask him when I get the chance. 

Finally saw his funeral. Had it for years and finally watched it. Saw some of our relatives. Minnie and Larry. A few others. There were guards and a procession. I was planning in on taking it to the cemetery and watching it with you.

There was a lady there. Not sure who she is. Don’t really want to know. I am betting it was Dad’s lady friend at the time. Last time I saw Dad, it was at the house before we moved. It was tough. He left and I remember I didn’t want him to go. It would be the last time I would see him. He sent me a text when I was at Garden Grove. It was after a close out. He wanted something and I couldn’t and would send it. It was minor thing and I was hurt and angry and just ready to close the door on things.

I was stupid. He tried and well, it is over now. I was troubled by things that Dad did. Won’t get into it, but I was angry. I have forgiven. Wish I did sooner. People make mistakes and try to fix things. Sometimes these windows close sooner than we expected. My stuff with Em is that way. 

Learned of a funny connection between her and I. Let’s just say, ‘It’s a Small World and God has a plan.”

I digress. I spoke to the counselor and she said she would have stuff ready for me. I can look at yearbooks at the school. Hope to get this done before the New Year gets here. I plan to hit the library there. Maybe get a traffic report on the accident. I would like to see if there were any articles of you in the newspaper. This will take a couple of visits. Perhaps go to the hospital where you stayed. I would really like to get to know you.

Any ways, you are remembered, Happy Birthday, Brother. I love you.

Balloon Therapy

D. Valdez--"It is ALWAYS GRANTED when asked for....

Couple days ago asked for Forgiveness. On Facebook. Couple of nights ago, got in a car accident.

Driving on Palmdale Boulevard at a quarter past eight at night. Just past the rotary and out of nowhere. . .it looked like a white boxer. Brown, too. It was to my right. It was dark. Driving 50. It happened in a split second.

Moving On Means Going Back, Too
All of sudden, Blam!!! Continued driving. Had this sinking feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve hit dogs before late at night, but this was different. Drove on. Got home, but couldn't stop. Decided to go back. Flipped a U-ie. Called the 911 to inform police to where the incident happened. Felt horrible. Why? Because I just kept going.

It was only 3 minutes there and back--I remember--since the accident happened. But needed to know that dog was not suffering. Emergency lights on, drove up and down the street twice looking for the dog. No blood. No dog. No nothing. When the officer arrived, we searched but could not find a thing. Nothing. 

Stopped under a light and got to see the dent to the right front bumper. It was good foot in length. Time for a new bumper. What troubled me the most is not the accident. Nor the deductible. It was not finding the dog. Just bothered me so. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t get mind off it. Remembering the crunch. Feeling of the steering wheel trying to correct the car after the swerve. Just wanted to ease my mind knowing that dog didn’t suffer much.

Salvation Is Not Always In Church
Logically knew there was not much more that could be done. Mind was straight, just my heart felt heavy. It was an accident, no one’s fault, but it weighed on me. Woke up the next morning, foregoing my walk and run. Just left the house. Found myself at St. Mary’s and just prayed. It was 6:40 am. Ten minutes in the morning mass.  I prayed, took communion, and then left still feeling uneasy.

Message From the Heaven
On the way to LCH, noticed from a distance a dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell. what it was. Driving closer and closer to Lancaster, past Avenue N, past Avenue K, the dot got bigger and bigger. Got to the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulled the Pentax out and started looking for that dot in the sky. Couldn't quite tell still. Its a Monday. No hot air balloons on a weekday. People are working. 

Using the zoom, I realized the dot in the sky was a hot air balloon. An uncommon sight. Usually it’s a Saturday or Sunday when balloons dot the sky. Today, there it was. Most people would be out working, but this day was different. Started noticing my heart feeling lighter. Guess, my prayers were heard. Right then, realized and accepted damage was done and needed to move on.

Junipero Serra's Missions: Looking Up, Moving On
Something about looking up in the sky, and watching hot air balloons. My mind understood, but my heart still felt heavy for the loss. My heart needed to let go. It needed to lighten. It hurt and it bothered me. But seeing the dot in the sky helped me moved on. Can’t erase this memory, but one can reconcile on the mistakes made. 

Took pictures of a hot air balloon that was down a day earlier. Saw its descent and its landing on a field. Saw the retrieval truck pick up the passengers on their landing. Saw how the retrieval team follow the balloon on the roads. It was dangerous because the balloon was on Avenue M, near the airport. Right in front where planes land. Saw how quickly they were able to pick up these people up in the heavens and take them home.Maybe this is how Angels work.

Hindu Temple, Karma
I hope that the Dog found peace. I hope that Dog had lived a good life. I hope that Angels were able to pick up this Dog and take it to Heaven, to take the dog Home. I hope the Dog will forgive me.

After some time, it made me realize that we make mistakes. Sometimes people cause accidents. Sometimes people are the victims of accidents. Asking for and giving Forgiveness is hard at times. Whether you go to Church or Temple, there is something transformative in the act of Forgiving. Learned that lesson well. 

Angels Everywhere
Been burdened with heavy heart for a time. Now, done my crying. Done my hurting. Working on being Done with the heavy heart. "No more" is the plan. Got to pick up and let my soul take flight. Brian, Em, Robin, and so on—I Love You dearly. Got to go. Got to go with God. You are always with me. I believe the Big Smile will bring us back together.

Someday. 

Maybe next time we can do it better.