Auld Lang Syne

Last week of the year. This one went by fast. Finished some things and still have some stuff left undone. Opened Christmas gifts early today. Just got home from Pasadena tonight. Went to Uncle Alex’s house for family get together. Saw something amazing today. It was at the cemetery. Wish I had charged my phone. Wish I didn’t forget my camera.

All these plots were decorated with Christmas decorations. Visited Tatay and Rochelle today. I can tell someone was there. The flower holder was easy to remove. There was family there today. Actually many, but there was one who I am guessing recently passed. They were all huddled together saying a prayer. Heard Santa Maria a few times. Anyways, I wish you could have seen what I have seen.

Anyways was there only for a little bit. Thought how in a generation or two. They will not be remembered. Maybe except in a picture or two. Just got me a little sad thinking about it. No one will remember Tatay and Rochelle like I did. Thought about Michael. Don’t know if anyone visits him. Thought about Dad. Thought about it, but I didn’t want to dwell on too much. Such is life.

I can understand the importance of Facebook. Connecting with people. Having the Timeline document your thoughts and feelings in the Internet universe. Living in a way that will be electronically be remembered. Visited a few museums this year. Nettercutt, Bowers, LACMA, Japanese, MOCA, and few others. Just taking time to remember the past. Standing and looking at some of the airplanes at Joe Davies. Looking at the vintage cars at the Nettercutt. Visiting Tatay and Rochelle. Rodney and his family will be leaving soon. For real. Felt it today as we were sitting next to each other. Thought about Ron’s friend. He was wearing his purple tie. I wonder what he will do when they are gone

When Rhi, said, “Hi, Uncle Jeff” It made me smile. Thinking of Uncle John and Alex. Thinking of Aunt Flor and Ruth. Thinking of relatives I still haven’t met. Made some promises, well, no resolutions this year. Kept some. Many, but some, still haven’t touched. Proud to say I finally visited Michael. Proud I finally watch Dad’s funeral. Proud that I knocked off a few things on the bucket list. Some, I am did not keep. Visiting Mary and Marv is a big one for me.  Going to a drive in movie and Silent One is another.

Strengthened some relations and let some wane. As the year comes to a close, I am haunted by some words. Auld Lang Syne. Saw some storms a brewing. Between son and mother (not mine). Between Sisters (and inlaws) Between Old Friends and New Ones.

On this Christmas day, can’t help think of Christmas Mass. Eyes closed as the priest gave his homilee. Standing in line waiting to get Communion. Thought of Shazam, Rinnes, Elaine. Thought of Rod, Ron, and Jason. Thought of Mike, Brian, and Mike. Of course my Brother and the family. Mom, Dad. Thought of relatives I have never met and ones I haven’t seen in years. Michelle, Randy, Bobby, Minnie, and Wynnel. Thought of Bambi, Pia, Bee, and Mary. Thought of my friends that I may seen soon  at the wedding. Thought about the Rose.

My mind wanders of the journey I will face ahead. Some alone. Some with others. Some with many.  I would like to think things can change with Em and I. Not sure how to proceed. Anyways, I have been blessed and I just want to thank the Big Smile for everything that I have been given. Also want to thank the Big Smile for taking away what was unnecessary. Thanks. 

Happy Birthday, Mike

Cloudy this morning. Seems fitting for you today. Its your birthday and I want to let you know you are remembered. Only met you once and there was a sadness about it. The look on your face and I remember. Looking back I didn’t really notice then, but I do now. Hard to keep a straight face with all the emotions inside. I know.

You look like Kevin.  He’s an athlete like you. Football player. Spoke to one your mates. He said at half time you would change uniforms to perform during the band. The Arvin alumni band has your photos stream on. Your girlfriend, I assume, is a blond. Reminds me of Amanda. Similar tastes, I guess. Most of my friends were blonds, too.

Don’t know what you had to go through as you were growing up. From the awards I have of you, you were something. Wrestler, football player, drum major. I can see your Honor roll letters. Outstanding Student. Academic Honor Roll 1982. You danced too. You were truly an Alpha.

Spoke to one your mates. He said that if you someone got out of line, you were not afraid to get in their faces. Reminds me of Kevin. Kevin would have the Ultimate Warrior painted on his face when he competed. Not knowing you personally, I can see that. Kevin and I aren’t as musical as you are.  Kevin can dance. Dad was one dancer, too. When I was at Sig Ep parties, I would do my thing.

You probably know this already, but I visited you. A few days before your Halloween. Left some candy for you and one of your neighbors. Sorry it took so long. It took some time to find you. Had to walk up and down each plaque to find you. There was no directory available. Found you I did. I promise to be back before the month is up. Wanted to go today on your birthday, but just wasn’t in the stars. Supposed to snow and rain something fierce today. News has been reporting it. Its cloudy and the weather reporters may be right this time.

Called the school and the counselor remembers you. You must have made quite impression to foster a memory like that. I’m not surprised though. 

Last time I remember speaking about you was when I was AVC Student Body President.  Went to a get together and somehow a lady mentioned your name. She knew of you. Don’t know how or in what context, but it was you. Guess, I wasn’t  ready. Sorry. 

That accident. . .I don’t know how, but I can hear Dad saying, “Why? Why? Why?” He was in the hospital hallway. I know this, but I've never been there. Never went to funeral. Never went to you at the hospital. I was in junior high then and we barely knew each other. Sorry. Wasn't invited. I would have gone. I swear.

The trucker turned in and the rest. . .I’m sorry it happened. I would liked to have known you.

I remember that LA Express T Shirt you gave me. Wore it a few times. USFL, Steve Young. Thank you by the way.

It was a surprise to learn you have half-brother. I am graduating Sage Jr High and then to discover that I have an older brother. Can’t say that I was too happy. Maybe it was the time. Moving from Joshua Hills to a tougher part of the city. Maybe it was Rochelle passing. Maybe it was because I was mad at Dad. I was. Blamed him for many things. Some deserved. Some not. Maybe it was just puberty. Whatever it was, it was no excuse.

Took some pictures of the high school. Also went by the field you played on. Arvin is not a big town. It is farming land. Tiny main street. Not much for big box retail stores. It is a true farm city from what I gathered.  I can still see the statue of the Little Caesar on the building. This was much different city than Los Angeles. Don’t know how Dad got up here, but I will have to ask him when I get the chance. 

Finally saw his funeral. Had it for years and finally watched it. Saw some of our relatives. Minnie and Larry. A few others. There were guards and a procession. I was planning in on taking it to the cemetery and watching it with you.

There was a lady there. Not sure who she is. Don’t really want to know. I am betting it was Dad’s lady friend at the time. Last time I saw Dad, it was at the house before we moved. It was tough. He left and I remember I didn’t want him to go. It would be the last time I would see him. He sent me a text when I was at Garden Grove. It was after a close out. He wanted something and I couldn’t and would send it. It was minor thing and I was hurt and angry and just ready to close the door on things.

I was stupid. He tried and well, it is over now. I was troubled by things that Dad did. Won’t get into it, but I was angry. I have forgiven. Wish I did sooner. People make mistakes and try to fix things. Sometimes these windows close sooner than we expected. My stuff with Em is that way. 

Learned of a funny connection between her and I. Let’s just say, ‘It’s a Small World and God has a plan.”

I digress. I spoke to the counselor and she said she would have stuff ready for me. I can look at yearbooks at the school. Hope to get this done before the New Year gets here. I plan to hit the library there. Maybe get a traffic report on the accident. I would like to see if there were any articles of you in the newspaper. This will take a couple of visits. Perhaps go to the hospital where you stayed. I would really like to get to know you.

Any ways, you are remembered, Happy Birthday, Brother. I love you.

A Thousand Words

Beautiful day this was. Nice summer night. Music in the air. A couple with their dogs take a relaxing break here at the Its Grind promenade. Wind is blowing and the car races by.

Today was a good day. Went to church and had taquitos and nachos. Prayed for M, Mom and the family. Thanked the Big Smile and wondered if the priest's hand has healed. He hurt it playing ball. He said, Go Hard or Don't Go At All. Got the Valley Press Sunday paper and a snicker at Acton. Stopped on the 14 South and took a panorama of Vasquez.

Went off track and found myself at the Japanese Gardens. Was only going to be a 15 minute hit and run turned into an hour plus. Visited Tatay and Rochelle at their house. Put some flowers on their place. Rochelle’s birthday soon, this Friday. Ate some alligator and jambalaya at the Farmers Market. Fresh Lemonade ice nice.

Met the Travel Angel. Lost my camera. Found my camera because a nice lady watching a couple of kids was great. (Who says prayers aren’t answered?) Hung out with Jason got a some vids, a couple of new releases and a classic, on the flash drive. Shot the shit. Now have a new game plan when doing a road trip. Watching Man vs Food is now SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) before heading on drive.

Talked with Mikayla on how fast she was at Jalen's party last week. All I said was she was a blur. Asked if she was the fastest in her school. She said, "No." She thought this guy cheated on a jogathon. I believe her. She is a smart one. I am lucky that I am related. Kissed Aunty Ellen and air kissed Mikayla goodbye. She’s too cool for this uncle. Can’t blame her. I was the same way. Still am.

Got some Tilapia, Tucino, and Shrimp Shumai at Seafood City. Took some sunsets and panoramas at Lamont Vista Point. Now I sit here on a nice summer night with my soon empty large passion fruit iced tea while listening some teens and tweeners playing some tunes on their Ipod. Closing in ten minutes here. Still waiting for pictures to download to FB. Would write more but time is short. Plus, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Avenue N and Sierra Highway

You Remind Me of A Girl I Once Knew. . .
First time was with Chelle. It was a place where we parked. Sunroof open, heater on. Desert Sky. We sat in the dark, listened to the music and enjoyed the night.

We would sit and watch stars. Planes would take off and land. Started going all the time. Middle of the day. Late at night. Early morning. Cars would just park. Then by I'd go myself. (Its better with company) Don’t know why others would go. The reason I went, besides parking with Chelle, was because it had good energy here.

Smoke Rising. . .
This place was uplifting. People coming home. People taking off. Reminded me of landing at LAX from Boston, to see Mom and Dad. It was where journey began. It was where the journey ended. It was a place where dreams would sail to the sky.

It is said when one lights an incense candle, one should put their hopes and dreams on the rising smoke. One does this so that your dreams and wishes can be sent to heaven to be answered. Maybe that is why I sit there? To be inspired. Its a place where I can see dreams take off. Its my place to watch the sunrise. A place for having my G-time. A place to watch the planes touch down and take off. A place to watch the trains go by. Its a place of  change. A place where the journey begins.

Palmdale's Ark
Always felt comfortable in this place of change. It’s the place of excitement. It was the place of blending. It was place of discovery, a place where dreams can take off and become true. After sitting there a few times, started noticing the surroundings. One thing is the boat. One thing is the flag. One things is the plaque. All these things are just something one would not expect in the middle of the desert, but there they are.

Mojave Cross, A Place to Be Honored
Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that it was okay for the Mojave Cross be left alone. Mojave Cross--CSM article There was some court rulings that wanted the removal of the Mojave Cross. It was  placed on Federal grounds,some seventy years ago and due to the separation of church and state belief, people were fighting to have it removed. I understand reasoning why people want it removed. I understand reasoning why people don’t want it removed. Some people just don’t want such religious beliefs to be broadcasted out the universe. Some do.

Graffiti, A Cry To Be Remembered
Not comparing the Mojave Cross, with graffiti. Well, maybe, I am. It is symbolism. It is an act of recognition. It is an act to be remembered. Sometimes the means and methods can misguided.

At times, graffiti  is ugly and does not belong. Don’t necessarily think all graffiti is bad. Grafitti thoughts Call me strange. Some works are just plain beautiful. They say that art is a reflection of a society. Sometimes society is ugly.

When I see graffiti, I try to see the meaning behind it. When I see graffiti on walls, train sections, bridges, signs, I feel somewhat sad. Some say it's a mark of territory. To me, it is just a person wish to remembered. Their best option was a late night, adrenalin filled moment of temporary immortality. Instead of bringing fame, it brings infamy. They don’t care that generally society sees this as ugly. Perhaps it is a defiant call, saying "I am me and I cry out my existence."This I admire, but there other avenues.

Their Goodness Does Not Perish. . .
These undirected cries of individuality is understandable. I believe most of us don’t want to be forgotten.

I don’t know who this BJ person is, but I read an article sometime back in the Valley Press. Pretty lengthy article of this devoted person that would be at the spot, my spot, our spot doing the same thing I was doing. Just watching, parking, be inspired, I don't know. He loved this place so. He loved this place so much that some friends and family made a plaque for this him.

When visiting the cemetery to see Rochelle, Marvin, Tatay, and Mary.  I remember good moments. I remember the love. . .The Love. Their lives are a remembrance of a life lived. A moment where we shared something beautiful. Something meaningful. Something . . .It’s just love.

So when I think of the Mojave Cross, when I think of the plaque, when I write a blog post, I think that I, too, want to be remembered (Hopefully fondly). Maybe its my cry for temporary immortality.When I look at these everything I see the importance of how everything counts. Perhaps instinctively, we know there shall be an end. In time. In history, we would liked to be remembered.  Perhaps, we know, things get erased. Things return to the stardust from which we all came from. 

Let Go, Let God
So enjoy your journey. Create the pleasant memories. Some may try paint mental and emotional graffiti on your art. It happens. So to those that matter--that truly matter-- they will remember the good that you brought in the world. For those that write ugly words, just paint over it. Their view of Love and Life are already warped. They hurt. That is all that they can share with the Universe. In time, they will grow out of childish things. So leave them to find their way. When they grow up, keep your arms and hearts open. In the meantime, Move on. Your ship is sailing and you don't know where it will land. It may be on Sierra Highway and Avenue N.

Life happens so make Life Happen.

Relay for Life: A Relay for Rochelle

Before the Battle Begins
7 am in the morning. Sunroof open. Early sun heating up the desert air. Cars speed by as the day begins. Sitting in the parking lot of Quartz Hill High School. Sounds of commotion is behind me. People with tents and lawn chairs walk into the stadium. Men, women and children wear red and purple handkerchiefs on their shaved heads.  Like new inductee in the Marines, these have happy smiles and serious tone in their walk. Like viking warriors of Valhalla partying the night before the Ragnarok, there is a joy and sense of purpose. 

Its the home for Relay for Life. An all-day and all-night event for those stricken with Cancer. Events start at 9 am Saturday and runs til 9 am the next day. Lots of events are occurring around town. Graffiti Clean up in Palmdale Ponctilan Square. Arbor Day in Santa Clarita. Lakers versus the Thunder playoff game starts today. Where to begin?

Why We Fight?
For me it's easy. Starts with Rochelle. She suffered from cancer some many years ago and being here is what matters. Need to thank her in a special way for effecting my life. Her passing gave me the courage to do things that I was afraid to do. Ask that girl out. Run for an office. Go to Boston leaving family and friends.

Life Ends. Another Begins
Her death gave me life. Never looked back on too many things because her cancer-stricken made me really enjoy life. Being in the hospital in her last few days. Finding an empty room in Cedar Sinai and just crashing on the bed. Hearing her mother cry. It is something I will never forget.

Before, Death used to be something to be feared and angry about. Now, it is just a fact. Death is Life. For some, the tragedy of have a life expired in their prime, it brings sadness. Listening to family sob so deeply. Watching people eyes redden. Don't know anybody that hasn't somebody touched by the Black End. Rochelle and Angels on Earth



Today is a commemoration to all those that faced Cancer and lost. Today is celebration for all those that battle and won. Today is gathering for all those that still struggle on. You want to know about a Hero's Quest. Come to the Relay for Life today. You will see heroes. They are your friends. They your family. They are you.

I said before that I wanted to see really heroes. I wanted to see real life Angels. Well, today is that day. If you want to see them, come to Avenue M and 60th Street West at Quartz Hill High School 9 am April 17 to 9 am April 18, 2010. Relay for Life 2010: Antelope Valley

I hear Heimdall's horn. Time to suit up. HUAA.

Leaving Wrestling Shoes on the Mat

Kurt Warner retires.

Saying Goodbye is never easy. I hope in many ways it never will. Its late and blogging. What's wrong with me? Guess, I never really got comfortable when people left. Didn't want to show hurt when we parted ways. Connections lost. Energies draining. Looked back at early posts. Death, funerals, and cemeteries--Nice way to start, at the end. Still believe it was the right way to start. We know death is coming: Death of career, Death of lifestyle, Death of the mortal coil.

Every morning, take photograph of sunrise. Every evening, photo of sunset. With the Weather Channel app on my Blackberry, I take note of the exact time of sunrise and sunset. How much daylight do I get? I calculate how many hours and decide my day's choices. Sunrises sets the tone of the day. Sunsets gives me an account moments used. There comes an end. Two more days, and one twelfth of the year is gone. Energy abound in the morning. Energy wanes in the evening.

Chosen Few
Kaprece, Kaelyn, Angelo, Luz, and Kevin drove to San Diego this afternoon. Seeing how they have used the month brings me calm. Spent the day, blogging and feeding ducks. It brought me calm. It brought me purpose and a sense of accomplishment. No longer do I starve for approval by many. Now, its down to a handful. Simply, don't care anymore what everyone thinks. Just a chosen few.

Their Deaths, My New Life
My love for comics started before grade school. My Dad took me to comic conventions at the Ambassador Hotel. Gone now, like Dad. Used to draw pictures of Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I would cut them out and hang them on my ceiling. I loved looking at them overhead. However, my love for comics started in 1982 with a graphic novel. It was the Death of Captain Marvel authored and drawn by Jim Starlin. Rochelle passed around the same time. Rochelle and the comic character had the Decay, the Blackend--They had Cancer. The story helped. Both passing changed my life forever. I took risks, looked ahead, and never looked back. I was present.

Now, I follow my brother's lead. I take more pictures. It reminds me of the past, my memory booster. It reminds me not to look back. It is my gift to myself--my present to be present. Hopefully one day one other will accept these gifts.

Took a picture on San Diego beach. Its a surfer on his board, looking at the waves ahead about to crash. There's a quiet, calm determination in his stare. Waves crashing in seconds. He will be twisted, turned, rolled, beat up, beat down, rag-dolled. Yet with quiet assurance he will succeed. I could feel it hundreds of feet away.

". . .If One Has The Courage To Admit Them"--Bruce Lee
I think of Lawrence Taylor's monologue in Any Given Sunday, "A man must be proud of everything, on and off the field." Can't say I lived a life where I was proud of everything I did. I am trying to fix that. My "never look back" attitude has waned through the years. Last year, my travel--my adventure--my life journey direction ran its course. I needed a course correction, I got a big one.

Before I move on, I must leave things. Baggage, Belief, Bondage must be left behind. In the words of W.E.B. Du Bois, "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."

Pulled some quotes off the internet. Three speak loudly to me. "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."--Bruce Lee "My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them."--Bono "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting"--Buddha.

Kurt Wagner's Leaving Brings Me Back
Before rebirth, there must be retirement. My time is finite. Warner's retirement brings me to the realization that a journey of events run its course. It is time for a new course. Its time for new run. His career, his public declarations, his grace gives me inspiration. It gives me Hope.

Wagner's retirement reminds me of Rulon Gardner. Greco-Roman wrestler beat the unbeatable. He defeated the Hero of the Russian Federation--Alexander the Great--The Russian Bear. In the 2000 Olympics Gardner shocked the wrestling world defeating Russian Alexander Karelin, who was previously undefeated in 13 years of international competition. (Karelin went the last six years of his unbeaten streak without giving up a point.)

Despite this victory and it was memorable, it was his leaving that I remember most.

I Don't Remember Beating The Bear, Its Leaving The Shoes
Olympic Gold Medalist Rulon Gardner untying his laces, leaving his wrestling shoes on the mat, and then exiting tears in his eyes. It is an ancient wrestling ritual paying homage to the wrestling gods. It is a declaration to the world that he left everything on the mat. No regrets, no turning back.

Hope to do that one day. At my end, to leave my shoes on that mat. Can't yet. Still more to do. Admit my choices made, forgive others and myself, be the hero I believe that I need to be, my mission is forgive and recover. Before leaving this mortal coil, before I retiring in the sunset, before there is no more, I want to nothing left. No pain, no hurt, no regret, no hate. Leave everything. . .but Love