Let You Be You

“I want to speak. . .This is more important than re-election. . .I want to speak now. . .Take them off the leashes. . .Let You Be You. . .I serve at the pleasure of the President. . .We  are going to lose some of these battle. We are going to raise the bar. . .Let that be our legacy.”—West Wing (Let Bartlett Be Bartlett)

Things Amiss
Been waking up late. Not the way I like it. Barely missing the sunrise. Been late on the sunsets, too. Not knowing where any of this coming from. My promises have not changed, but I've been slipping. Maybe its because I am going to church more. Maybe its because the sunrises and sunsets are happening sooner and later. Maybe its because sleeping later. Whatever, it is. Need to re-adjust and step right. 

Events Ahead. . .
Jill’s last performance as lead in Our Town is Saturday. Manny’s fight is the same time. Plus, I have to give a ride at the same time. I really want to do all three, but I am left with a quandary. Three days to do something about it. Not sure what I can do. Nothing looks it will change, except time to event gets shorter and shorter. Couple of birthdays are coming up and I haven’t heard from D yet about lunch today. Beds a mess with all this junk that I need and want to clean. Put it all here knowing that I'd deal with it or sleep in messy circumstances.

Feeling Low, Needs Some Juice
Gym time last night forced me to leave early. Feeling the sweats coming on and a bit light headed. Blood sugar turned out to be in the low 50’s. Not good. I left early to get something to eat. I left my money and meal replacement in the car. Going out and getting back meant losing my bike and leaving 20 minutes left for the workout. I’m off pace for 300 miles. It would take some effort to pull it off at the stage I’m at.

Morning mass starts in an hour and I am not sure if I will go. It would be a good, too. I am on a road. So many possibilities. So many obligations. So what? Actually, its all stuff. Nothing. All of its important. All of it has purpose and meaning. All of it will effect who I am big and small, long and short. It all matters.

Good Intentions. Good Results
Sleep early. Attend church more. Enjoy performances with family. Exercise. Blog. All these things matters. All things. You reading the post matter. You not reading this post matters. You spending time with loved ones matter. You spending time later on with loved one matters. Watching the fight. Watching the my cousin’s last performance. Making time to visit my new-found family on there only weekend down matters. Working out 5 days a week. Working out 7 days a week matters.

This weekend is a juxtaposition. Dad’s family side meeting Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Mom’s family side meeting is Saturday. Kev’s and his in-laws are down the street watching the Pacquiao fight the same night. I'm sure there is many more important events and it is a critical time. Yet, I have no fear nor worries. Putting Faith in the process, I integrated this belief in my core. “Trust In the Universe, She’ll Take Care of You.”

Paradigm Shifts
All of us have stuff to do. All of us have a finite time to do them in. Sure, a little finagling must be done here and there. Yet, at times like these one wishes that we can be at multiple places at once. I am reminded that scientist took pictures of an atom in several different places at the same time.  Can we do that? Be many places at once. Being two—three, four, five--things at the same time. We are universe in itself. We are a multi-verse. Radical thinking. Yet a skill that would be much appreciated.

Observation plays a decisive role in the event and . . . the reality varies, depending upon

whether we observe it or not. —Werner Heisenberg

This quote comes from a DVD that stirred many questions and answered many of them, too. What the Bleep Do We Know? I have only watched and pay attention to portions of it, but I suspect it will be one of my favorites. 

Huh? Where Did This Leap Come From?

Where’s the connection? From daily life events to quantum theory, it’s there. It’s the duality. Light as a particle; Light as a wave. It’s the acts of synchronicities discussed by Carl Jung. It’s the act of observing the particle with scientific objectivity to later learn the very act of observing skews the objectivity. It’s the power of intentions by Emoto’s water crystal. It’s all these metaphysical occasions and scientific discoveries that lends itself to big and small of things. Miyamato Musashi said learning just that. The Big and small of it all

Life is more than the randomness of personal events. Like balls on a billiard table, cause and effect. Yet there is purpose-ness amongst this chaos. There is a logic to it. The Universe speaks to us all. As we ask questions about the meaning of it all, we discover--we get answers.

Not since very recently did I become Faith-follower, I won’t say which aspect because I am still on this visionquest. I am learning that I am a very spiritual and intuitive person. My word for myself in my new found group is “Faith.”

I am learning the power of prayer. I am learning “Ask and You Shall Receive” maxim is very true. Recent scientific discoveries are finding this to be truer. My own experiences have borne this out. Maybe not in the time-line we like. I still have doubts. I think this a good thing tact to take. Fact is this may be just a bunch of hoo-haa brouhaha haha haha. (Sorry, I got the hahas) Maybe I am being sold a proverbial bill of goods. Maybe I am having medication induced fog. 

However, maybe its right.

I fall back to this saying, “Some things are true whether you believe or not.” Never had a problem with science and religion. Always thought both were just searching for the truth. Learned awhile back people argue all the time. People often don't listen. Just want to hear themselves talk. Just want you to buy into their dream, their own reality. Despite all the babbling and bluster, one discovers they are saying and searching for the same thing: Meaning.

Hope that you, too, with all the activities oh-so important activities in your life, you will learn that it all counts. And most importantly, it all matters. Nothing is not-nothing. There is never nothing going-on. The Universe will provide. Meaning is everywhere. Just got to decide to do—or not do. You got to decided to accept or reject. Messages are being sent. Just got to listen to your own personal message. You go to Decide what that Special Meaning is. 

I will leave at that. 

Namaste

Awakening

Feeling melancholy. Don’t know if it’s the weather. Don’t know if it’s the music I’m listening to. Don’t know if I am just feeling. . .down. Didn’t like my horoscope for tomorrow much. It said,” That old expression, if you ignore them, they'll go away? Well, that might not always hold true, but right now it just so happens to be quite accurate -- especially when it comes to a certain family member or friend who seems intent on obsessing over something neither you has any control over. Explain this once, then put some distance between the two of you until they get over it.” I’m having lunch with someone important. I’m afraid that I will be that person ignored. I will be the one that will be asked to put some distance.

Battery for laptop is about to die. Orange light has come on. Well, I hope to put what I can before the lights go out. I need to gym it. When I gave blood this afternoon, they said I should avoid strenuous exercise for at least 12 hours. I am afraid if I don’t go, then I will be slip sliding down that slippery slope. Didn’t jump in the pool this afternoon because I was told that I might go in cardiac arrest due to the cold water. It scared me. I know that I can work out tomorrow. It will be fine. It’s just my psyche will be more effected by not going in. It has already effected me. Doubt Gremlins has effected my hampered my risk-taking mechanism.

Well, I must be going because laptop is about to shut off.

I wrote the above the night before. I’m back. Went to the gym last night and again this morning. Jumped in the pool. No cardiac arrest. I'll admit I was scared. Got some feedback today. It was good. My posts are vague at times and it feels that like I am speaking to someone. I get that. It’s fair. Guess, I got the Doogie Howser syndrome. I appreciate the comments. Give me more. Please. 

Who am I writing these blogs to? The Universe. Basically, whoever wants to listen. Whoever wants to read this blog. This is who I write to. I’m also writing to myself, flushing out stuff and making some beliefs stronger.

Finally saw Book of Eli. I liked it. It hits home for me. Been going through a spiritual awakening. Going through a journey of discovery. Been going to church more and more often. Been reading about more and more religious texts. Picked up the book for Everything to Know About Islam. Been reading some Jehovah Witness literature. Had plans to go see the Dalai Lama at Universal City CityWalk last weekend. (Plans fell through) Listening to lots of Matisyahu. Don’t know if that counts. Love listening to Halleluiah. Been jumping in my pool a lot, kind of rebirth/ pretend baptism of sorts. I’m attending weekly Religious Inquiry class Tuesday nights.  I pray every sunrise and sunset. I pray when I eat. I pray when I go to bed. I pray when I wake up. I find myself planning on attending morning mass on weekdays. 

Been reawakened of sorts. Never been a churchie, so this all new.  I am finding strength—I am finding understanding—I am finding peace whenever and wherever I pray.  It’s funny. I’ve heard so many people say it’s chore to attend. I  like it. I like going to church.

What I like is continuity. I like the message of hope and redemption. I like meaning and symbolism of the events. Lent, for example, is a warm-up for Easter. For the resurrection. The forty days symbolizes Christ’s 40 days in the desert being tempted by the Fallen. The ashes on the forehead represents an ancient tradition reminding people, “from dust we came, from dust we shall return.” Its 6 times a day, worshippers of the Muslim faith prays. It’s the reading stating from the Jehovah Witness that a sprinkling of water on the forehead is not a true baptism until one is fully submerged. It’s the learning that in Jewish Temple, there is the big room where the highest of highest books are placed. It’s the tradition that the people of the Muslim faith have to take a journey to Mecca. Its Dalai Lama’s 13^th Incarnation. Its Shamanism of the Totech and the 5 agreements.  What I like is everything.

Don’t know where any of this leading. Don’t really have any expectations. It just seems to clear. I know so little and this I don’t know what to call. It brings me peace and strength. It makes sense to me. I am just thanking the Big Smile. There are times of melancholy. There are times of forgetfulness. There are times I question where this manifestation comes from. All I know is that I feel congruent. I feel steadfast and expansive. I see things more clearly. I notice more. I take pictures all the time. I am just amazed about everything. Events seem more purposeful. It feels like a jigsaw puzzle coming into place.

I’m getting these Ah-ha moments all the time. Strange, I know.  Events of long ago, events of the future, and  moments-in-the-now  feel “together” I worry less about the past. I am not so concerned with the upcoming. I am just here and it seems so clear. There are questions--so many questions. Yet, it feels like if I look more closely, listen more intently and keep my heart more open answers just appear.  Of course, there is life stuff. There’s always life stuff. Yet, it’s just stuff.

“Vague”—Yup. I will work on that.

Well, what a difference a day can make. What a difference a 10 miles of cardio can do. What a difference jumping into a cold pool will do. No--Its more what new discovered Faith has me doing. Jumping a freezing cold pool. It has me doing 10 miles of cardio. It has me attending church more often. It has me reading the the Bible, the Torah, and the Koran. It has me feeling more in tune. 

Well, it’s gym time again.

Here I Am. . .

You spend time on what’s important. If you’re not, then you may want to ask yourself why?

Took a photo Sunday. It’s a pretty remarkable one. I am not going to say what it is. You are just going to have to decide for yourself. Made a decision after wards, no, it’s more of a flash. I have those at times. I am just listening to them more often. Had a friend give me an honest opinion on something I have had some reservation on something I am doing. I still have reservations. It was honest and has a great deal of merit. This person I trust and have known for years. I hold her opinion in great confidence. Yet, I think I will go on. 

 As for one of decisions, I made. Decided I will not post sunrises and sunsets on Facebook anymore. I will still wake up every morning and take time out of my day to view the sunrise and sunset. Its not that I won’t do it again. Its just that I will take a sabbatical. Decided not to post sunrise/ sunset pictures for a few weeks. I have a date in mind, but you will have to keep posted I guess. (April sometime) Also, decided to stop eating beef and pork. Dalai Lama/ Glitter thing. Plus, I need to get back on track. Been off for couple of weeks. Getting off the track for a little while. Nothing purposeful, nothing disturbing. Its just I need a bit of a course correction. Need some cocooning before I spread my wings in the future.

Been taking more time on everything. Not that I have more time. I am just taking more time in the moment. This morning decided to enjoy every bite of breakfast. Scrambled eggs. Tater tots. Bagel with butter and strawberry preserves. It feels a bit awkward with no meat. I like beacon. I like Korean BBQ. I like Tacos. Before I knew it I realized some people-without savor every bite because they do not know when that next  bite will be.

Sunday Drove to Downtown LA from Riverside National Cemetery to have breakfast at Catch-21 in downtown. Area is a few blocks outside some troubled areas. Just wanted some Fish and rice for breakfast.  New England Clam chowder, too. Love shrimp, too. Reminds me a bit of Faneuil Hall in Boston

Wasn’t able to fit some things this weekend, but still it was a memorable weekend. Thankfully, it has been many memorable weekends lately. Everyday has been more memorable. What troubles me when ever I hear this is, Ugly Mondays. Thanks Big Smile for the weekend. Its Hump Day.  I mean why is there so much enjoyment placed on the weekend. It’s just if one focuses on three days of the week, what about the other four days. If you need to take a break, take a break. If you are not happy in the job you’re in, quit. Do something else. If it no longer feels right, and you don’t foresee something better. If the reward, does not justify the expenditure, then this does not seem, well, smart. 

Everyday can be a celebration. Instead of dreading heading to work. Dread not working. Dreading a commute. Dread missing the opportunity to change the radio station or change the route. Some people have only one way. Some still have cassettes radios. In Downtown, I have seen the downtrodden. I remember driving past Skid Row picking a son's friend at the bus station. I thank every moment that  could be worse than I am.

I still take my G-Time. I take my moment with the sunsets and sunrises. I still take pictures. We all have a sunset. We will all meet our sunsets. Take that weekend away. When you do that, everyday will be a weekend day. Then everyday will be a Day. Every will be a moment. Every moment will be a lifetime. Start small. You'll notice how big things are. Like you. You'll notice you are a Giant. Your gaze will be far when you start looking near.

At any rate, there are signs for all of us to do something. It’s just are you ready? Things are not always how they seem; things do no turn always turn how we hope. Sometimes, they are better. 

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever--Keri Russell

Got a reply from Anne Rice today. I stapled it to my journal. It’s one of the highlights of this month. Its a Promise Booster. I made a promise to blog everyday. Made a promise to be more, to enjoy more, and to say thanks. Looking outside, I had to run out the door to keep a promise to say thanks every sunrise and sunset.

I made a promise to. . .
Trying to make myself a better person. Its not easy. Its not too hard. These little successes will lead to a place I would like to be. I find myself making random excuses like not feeling like going to the gym. Like its too cold outside to keep my sunset and sunrise promise to say thanks. Like I am too sleepy to just get up and go. The excuse volume is thankfully getting lower.

Parable Booster, Thank You Very Much
My horoscope said this would be an ideal time of reflection. In many ways, this has been true. On my “to-do” list I took today to burn CD’s that has been on my daily to do list for the last 20+ days. I caught up with my exercise journal and diet log. During this time I knocked out some DVD’s. They have been sitting on my shelf for some time: Mongols, Leap of Faith, Stop Loss, and W. Guess, I need an injection of "feel good", a parable booster.

Change Ain't Easy
As I wrote earlier, these stories from movies, from novels, from comics keep me on track. If it were just so simple to just tell yourself that you are going do this and act this way. I would have changed a lot sooner. Keeping with the program long enough that change you wanted incorporated becomes a part of who you are is not so easy. Simple, yes. Not too easy, yet. We too often return to the way things were done in the past because that is most comfortable. Change ain't easy. I mean, I haven’t been to the gym for a few days. Went to Las Vegas and I got off track. When I was logging entries in my exercise log and diet journal, things just fell off at the waist side. Have you reviewed your new year's resolution list? Personally, I needed these booster, a reminder, that I need to do things. Honestly, I want to get things done. Are you becoming who you want to be? Lost that weight? Eating better? De-Stressing?

Times just flies by with daily going-ons of daily life. One forgets where one wants to go. Writing this blog for instance has gotten admittedly easier. Trying to keep it down to 500 words or less. . .well, still working on it.


Need these reminders that I made promises
My philosophy of religion class discussed the formula. Professor Sherman summed it up this way. Follow God and reap the rewards. When people stop following this formula, then Shit happens. Return to program and things will get better. The instructor called it the Judge’s cycle. Solomon, David, Moses, and Ezra (I am not sure on the first three, but definite on the last one) Throughout the readings, it said that this the basic program. Much like the Hero’s journey formula.

Forty day—Makes It a Habit
For a society, I am sure it will take longer before its ingrained in everything we do. In your Hero's Journey, are you becoming? Or are your personal foes and demons keeping you down? I am still learning to keep some promises. I am still in the phoenix phase, a time of rebirth.


Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat--Caroline Schoeder

Blackouts, Balloons, and Big Smile: Promises Kept, Promises Reminded

Big Smile Blows a Fuse
Lights out. Frustrated, I put my book down on the toilet set cover. Power must have went out. Wonder if its the entire house. Maybe its the entire block. Probably, I think its just the circuit breaker for the bottom floor of the house. I move the light green shower curtain to the side. Not even ten minutes in the tub. I like to soak in the tub for 20 to 30 minutes reading a book here and there. Sometimes its an Encyclopedia of Mythology. Other times, its a Sudoku puzzle book. Often, its the Sun Tzu's Art of War. Today it was the Anatomy of Strength and Weight Training. I was beginning to understand the nuts and bolts of a proper squat. Learned about blocking and how not to cave in your chest or something like that. Guess, I got to re-read it again.

G-Time and Firebird Promise
Guess, it was a sign. Unusually, I didn't work out in the morning as I originally planned. Last couple of months, Sundays are for a couple hours of cardio and 30 minute shoulder routine. This time I was disturbed by hot air balloons. No, not really disturbed. I was disrupted. Okay,fascinated. You see every morning . . .wait, almost every sunrise and sunset I have been having some G-Time. G Time is my promise to myself and the Big Smile that I would thank him and reconnect with what is important. Its my Firebird promise. Every sunrise and sunset I will take at least 5 minutes out of the day and listen to the sound. Stole this idea from Dvd City of Angels. If you don't know, find out.

Well, this morning I did my G-Time to get right with you know. . .everything. It was a cloudy morning and the Sun was having a hard time shining through. At this time, I like to document my health stats, write in my journal, and review my "To-Do" list for the day. I was highlighting my "Dones" and was reaching for my Exercise/Diet Journal, then all of the sudden the movie screen which was my car windshield was filled with Hot Air Balloons. Where did they come from? I remember a white, clean truck with extended cab in the desert by its lonesome. This was unusual, but not uncommon in the Antelope Vally. What was a white F150 now was a red and yellow giant hot air balloon. Actually, it was five hot air balloons. Let me correct that. It was seven hot air balloons laying on its side getting fired up with blasts of propane burners. (Riding a Hot Air Balloon will be going on my resolution list,Thank Ms. Stipech)

At any rate, there they were. Balloons were getting larger and larger. Seventy feet in height, balloons were taking up the my entire beautiful view my San Gabriel Mountain sunrise. It was an Ansel Adams picture with hot air balloons--in color) Maybe not so Ansel Adams. I must admit that I was frustrated that my G Time was being obstructed by Hot Air Balloons. Little did I notice that I needed just that. Got out of my car. Grabbed my Blackberry from its car charger. I started walking out the parking lot toward 10th Street West. I parked at the Lancaster Park, next to the new Y. Raised up my phone/camera/organizer/mp3 player/flashlight/etc and I started clicking away. Sent to my facebook account and that was it.

Look Ma, I Riding a Hot Air Balloon with No Basket
Another balloon onlooker started saying something, but I was not listening. I was lost in the moment. One man was in hot air balloon. Almost 80,000 cubic feet of hot air, at the will of the AV Winds,and this guy is going solo on a freaking strap-on swing seat. Yes, there was no giant basket that can fit 6 people comfortably. This guy was strapped onto a swing seat. Ah, some AV people are listening to the beat of different drum. It reminded me of one of those carnival rides where you are strapped onto a swing and it just twirls you round and round. This guy had the hot air balloon and a swing seat. That's it. I got to try that.

Book Said Green Grass and I Get Tumbleweeds
I was just present and in the moment. Little did I realize that I just felt. . .lighter. Buoyant. I was happier. I was deep in G Time and I felt my heart rate speed up. Blood rushing. Headache starting. BP rising. I was getting stressed out all the worries in life. The usual worries I guess most of us feel. Not enough money. Not enough time for family. Not being healthier. Not enough, whatever. Watching those balloons fill up with air and head to the sky, I just felt amazingly lighter.

Funny thing is I was reading a passage from the "How to Lower Blood Pressure." Passage was an mini-exercise on how to relax. Visualize a big park. Full of green grass. Imagine walking around and coming up to a small hill. There over the hill. There are bunch of hot air balloons sitting. As you get closer, all your worries, are climbing into the basket of the hot air balloon. As you get closer, all the balloons slowly are picked up by the wind currents are flying away. As I was taking my pictures for facebook, I realized that this just happened. No grass, but brown, sandy tumbleweed-filled desert. Thanks, Big Smile.

Bathroom Blackouts: Its A Sign To Keep Promises
Anyways, back to the reason why I write. It was a blackout. Not to the entire house, just the part I was in. Standing in the shower with the lights out, the flashed. Go to Church. You see days back I made a promise to myself and Big Smile that I have my heart open and listen to the synchronicities of Life. Couldn't tell what time it was, but I thought to myself, "I can do this. I can make it." Lights out reaching for the conditioner. Reaching for the Scrub brush and the green body wash, I said, "I have time. I can make it." I thought to myself, I made a promise to got to church at least once a month for an entire year. I wrote it down. Its a promise. Its a contract. Its my Covenant.

Got out of the searching for light. Stepped on my shoes and shorts. Forgot that it was blacked out. I felt for the light and my toothbrush. Wait, I already brushed and flossed. Then I realized, Blood sugar. Getting low. No workout. No meal replacement bottle. Didn't have my breakfast. Blackberry flashes from the bathroom floor. Must have fell of the toilet seat cover. My screen reads, "Breakfast. Morning Meds." Thank you Calendar Daily Event Function.

Got dressed and started the oven. Butter, shrimp, and one egg. Grabbed Quaker Oats "Maple and Brown Sugar" packet. Butter sizzled, threw in the shrimp. Cracked the egg and went to the fridge to grab the block of cheese (another post, remind me) Shrimp ready and scrambled egg is poured in the frying pan. Wash the same bowl (I hate doing lots of dishes). I open the oatmeal packet and pour two 1/4 cups of water. Throw it in the microwave and I take a breath.



Big Smiles--Eat, I Will Get You There
I am not a big fan of microwaved oatmeal. Too creamy for me. I would have liked to have used the kettle, but I have this amazing skill of burning water and setting off the fire alarm, even when its not my fault. Someone threw away the several times burnt over blackened kettle. I looked at the time, 9:45 am. I can make the 10 o'clock service (I think that is the time of the service. I don't go often enough to know the time.) I take 5 minutes and sit. I look at the time again and see its 9:50. I calculate driving time to St Mary's will be 10 minutes. I decide I will be late, but that's okay. I figure its better be late, then feint. I eat hurriedly, not gulp the food. I say to myself, "I have time."

Out the door and in the car. Of course, red light. Traffic. Cars ahead of me slow down to see, of course, the many yard sales on the east side. I am on Avenue S, passing Mickey Dees, KFC, and I am the curve. The Curve is 20th East. Can't forget the curve. Its a Palmdale landmark. At end of the curve is a cemetary. Some say its a pet cemetary. I never really checked. I think pioneers are buried here. Guess, I need to look it up sometime. Anyways, I head toward the high school and turn on R-4 (I think). There it is St. Mary. Looks like the cars ahead of me had the same blackout in the shower. My car dashboard reads 10:15. Boy, I am late. I think to myself, maybe I will go to the 11 am service, if they have one.

As I turn into the parking lot entrance, its not full. I mean its not filled, but its filling. I see families get out their car and start quick walking into the church. Some are quick walking. Others are still in the car. I say to myself, "Maybe, I am not late."

I get out my car. I tuck in my shirt. Tighten my belt. My pants have been kind of loose. All that cardio time looks like its paying it off. I walk in. Church is three quarters filled. Choir is singing. People are reaching for the fountain to anoint self. To the left, there is a giant crucifix. Over the Jesus, the letters read "INRI" I say to myself, I know what that means. Took a Bible at Lit class and Philosophy religion class. Probably the only thing I remember. "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews" I's were often used as Js. It looks the Big Smile got me in on time. Thank You.

HUAA: Marine-Speak "Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged
Father comes in and apologizes for being late. I laugh to myself and say, "I bet it was a blackout." The teenager next to me looks at me funny. I say, "Inside Joke." She shakes her head and takes a step away from me, closer to her family. Whatever, she smelled funny any ways. I smile. Before I knew, the Father in his Jamaican (or maybe its West African) accent he talks about Baptism and talks about the priesthood as a vocation. Two things I have been seriously thinking about. Definitely, Baptism and kind of like the idea of being license to marry people. Questions I have been considering for years and that have been resurfacing a lot lately has been answered. I shake my head. I ask myself, "Do I have the stuff to make a commitment?" Honestly, I don't know. I like women, a lot. Ever since Mac gave me a Bible, I have been thinking about getting involved in Church. I consider myself Catholic, but not heavy. No,I am more of the Holiday Catholic. Sure, I go to church for Midnight Mass, Baptisms, Funerals (I have been to too many last year) I have been this ache, no, calling, I don't know what to call it but whatever it is I have been considering being more seriously involved. I dedicated one year of my life learning in Faith, "My journal was Get my Soul Stronger" I was heavy in DABDA self-defense mechanism (Dr. Poole, Thank you. Another blog for another time).

Gorillas, Crushes, Old Friends: Life in Review
Sitting in St Mary's I have thought about my life and how people that were gone or I left are coming back in. Trouble is that the one I want in, isn't. (Corrina, I hope things are working out. Gorilla thing, you know) As I was writing, I just got an invite from Mike. He used to live with my family in high school. I was a Jodie, as my AP Biology teacher said.(Not a good thing. He enlisted and I unexpectedly met my my soul mate. His girlfriend) I thought of Christy (No, its not her real name. Its her sister's. She is now a friend on my facebook. I thought she was incredibly cute. Out of my league. Boy, I would have liked to have kissed her.) I think of my old friend Brian and I apologize to him in my head and pray he forgives me. I say to myself, that I believe that I would be a good priest. Its a big commitment. I don't know if that is what I should do. I have the inkling. The calling is not screaming to me, its just. . .I do not if I got the stuff, the real stuff to be the Big Smile's voice, to be his messenger. Tough things are that I have asked and he has given. I have received. How can I turn and not do this? I made some promises. Promises to myself. Promises to Big Smile. Promises. Nothing is set it stone and I know that I will be at the moment. I will be looking into George Foreman's eyes and I will have to answer that bell. "Miyagi, boma ye" Miyagi was my nick name at LA Fitness.

Its a Question Fuse Box Faith
Do I have stuff? Is my Faith Strong Enough? Is my Will Enough? Is it my destiny? What is His Will? Big Smile I hear your calling. I am not what I am being asked to do. I will keep listening to the message and I will do my best to interpret your messages. This I promise.

By the way, can I have lights back on? I am okay going to the bathroom in the dark, I have Faith. Its just this. My aim is better with the lights on. Just kidding. I will check the fuse box. Big Smile, thank you for the balloons and blackout. I needed both.