Day at the MOT

Thirty-one days of no Facebook. Got few messages, photo tags, group invitations during this internet sabbatical. It went by fast. May go again. At times, I would find myself automatically typing the "Facebook" web page once I launch my browser. Trained myself to be addicted to this website. I wanted to post some pictures of places visited. Other times, I wanted to get updated with the going on with family and friends. Nothing has really changed in my world since then beginning of the year. Guess I am long longing to be part of a community again.

Don’t know where this comes from, but it has. We all need to feel connected, to be part of something bigger. Yesterday, went to the Museum of Tolerance (MOT) with Sharmaine and her brothers. It was an event. Listened to a Holocaust survivor speak. Shook her hand actually. Wanted to make tactile connection with a real survivor in a dark, dark , dark time in history. Listening and watching her was nice, shaking her hand made it more real. She spoke for 45 minutes straight and I was enthralled. Her story started so innocently and to hear the decline of society happen so quickly, it bothered me.

Before entering the lecture, we stopped by some the interactive internet stuff. Looking up some of the texts, websites, and blogs out there in the world is disturbing to realize such entities still exist. Don’t want to say there is some ugliness in the world because putting it out there may draw some unwanted attention. Really don’t want some of that darkness in my head. The images are truly disturbing. How people can do such stuff to one another?

No one is really clean nor innocent. Admittedly, I was ignorant and I've and acted stupidly before. Trying to break this habit. No, I am not claiming to have found the light. All I am saying is that I am not so quick to label. Can’t speak for others because I don't walk in their shoes. Sitting on the cold concrete stone seats in the mock gas chamber made me feel ill. Looking up at the shower head wondering how people felt. Cold water or poison gas?  People like you and me being exterminated for some misguided belief system.

People have turned a blind eye when injustice and wrongdoing stares them in the face. I think of Kitty Genovese. I think of Zimbardo social psychology experiment. When I imagine being a subject of Milgram’s shock experiment, I am troubled how easy it is for people to lose sight at that the person across from them is part of the same species. Imagine the last time you were at a stoplight when there is a homeless person with cardboard sign asking for money.

Not all of us are created equal. There are obvious and various levels of talents, skills, motivations, and luck each of us possess. Not all of us can dunk. Not all of will be an astrophysicist nor will win a Nobel Peace prize. Not all of us will be President, but to forget that one next to them is not a human being. It is simply awful. Been more and more troubled of the scape-goating tactics of what is wrong in the world. Lately it has been the illegal immigrants that is ruining the country. Before the Chinese and Japanese. Before it was the Jews. Before that it was the Indians. The list goes on.

Found myself distraught by a kid sitting in front of us. He was young kid, maybe 9 or 10. He had the body of thirteen or fourteen year old. We were sitting in a lecture hall listening to the Holocaust survivor tell her story of Auschwitz. She told of how she can remember the smell of the smoke of the crematorium. Her mother and grandmother were sent there days before. The little big boy was fidgeting all around, constantly asking her mom when were they were leaving. He would make a squealing sound like a pig, begging for attention. He would run his hand of her mom’s hair. It reminded me of the flies walking on the faces of children that are starved in some third world country. It is bothersome, but they let it pass. I know she was ignoring him, not giving him the attention he wanted so. She was practiced not to encourage poor behavior. She was much better at it then I would be. Every so often his whispers would drown out what the speaker was saying. Admittedly I want to smack the kid and tell him listen and pay attention.

Then I realized that one of the kids sitting in the row, my relative, with us was playing with his Game boy while she was speaking. This, too, bothered me beyond belief. You see. Earlier he was so adamant about going to the Holocaust exhibit down stairs and getting some kind of plastic card. It was like going on a ride at Disneyland. Now we are here listening to an actual survivor of the dark time, it was a bit infuriating. Playing a game while this was going on. Made me shake my head.

I was learning the meaning of patience. Sometimes we need to put the fear of God to make an impression of some people. We need to effect an emotional response in order make people remember to make an honest impact. Still, I remained silent. A bit disappointed. Decided to use a the honey approach versus the vinegar one. 

I, too, was blind and ignorant. The folly of youth to be not so vested. He does not know nor has he seen such ugliness that people can and have done to others. Listening to the speaker and watching him play the Game boy. In many ways, I hope he never sees what this lady has seen. I hope in many ways that the greatest worry is finding a girlfriend and getting to the next level of that video game. I rather have him suffer these minor setbacks then deal with the horrors of the speaker. When is the next time you will eat? Will you survive through the winter night? Will the search dogs find him and attack him?

I can only wish that the impact of visiting the MOT will have an impact on his life. Hope he never learns the hard lessons of life these other people have faced. Still, there is Hope. “There is always Hope when people remember.” These were the words in green neon lights that were on the walls of the mock gas chamber.

For me, I will remember. I hope he does, too. If the lady in front of me can survive the atrocities, then many others can, too. George Santayana said it this way, “ Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” If we can remember these hard learned lessons, then maybe. . .

More to the Story

Steve Nash—Divorces after Birth of Third Child.

This is Effed Up. He’s my favorite basketball player. What is up? I clicked to read more.Steve Nash Divorces After Birth of Child, An Off Putting Title Learned they have been separated for a few months and the process of marriage dissolution has been in the works for some time.  At times, I hate the bait and switch of sensation story writing. Must admit it works. I clicked. Made me realize these sensational story snippets is a hook and I got caught. 

But At This Moment. . .

Got me thinking this morning. Not to be so quick to judge. Enjoy the day. Sunday morning, sitting here at the new Panera, having an Jalapeno Asiago breakfast bagel sandwich. Downloading some pictures to FB. (Thanks Steve for compliment)  Tried working on my 5 things I am grateful for. Adopting this habit is important for me. On WordPress last night,  it was more challenging than my energies could marshal. Staying local today. No Beach run or Paley Museum.  Horoscope said it is a day of completion. Plus, home stuff needs attention.

It’s a beautiful day anyways. Yesterday, too. Manny Pacquiao won unanimous decision. Did some sightseeing in downtown LA and got some Thai food for dinner. This is what I am thankful for yesterday. In a couple of weeks, Thanksgiving is upon us. Spend time with family. Catch up. Eat watch the Lakers play. Maybe do a soup Kitchen. Enjoy others company. An entire day to be Thankful.

Self Analysis

Figured out why I visit so many museums of late. It hit me a couple days ago. Realized that this my recent fascination of art and sculptures stems from me compensating. A few months back, I was supposed to going be on a trip with M to the Getty Museum. It never happened. long story short, incommunicado. Still went. Spent hours at the Getty just taking pictures. Futilely filling the feeling of emptiness. It stirred me. Made me realized, I missed much. My Aunt Mary said, there are many artists in the family. From what I understand, she is fashion designer. Learned my grandfather was artist, too. Never really knew him. Wish I did. Learned that M enjoys art, too. That’s why I go.

My Coping Mechanism

From this, missed moment it has fueled my fire for history. Some personal and familial history. Don’t know how many museums I’ve visited this last year. From people at LCH, they tell me I go all the time. This is just compensatory.  Straight sublimation. There are more defense mechanisms I’m sure. Just Googled it.  This is how I cope.

Not Alone

My HR Management instructor once said, “Those with great strengths also have great weaknesses.” This always stuck. Made me wonder of all these Heroes, the people too good to be true.  Heroes we invest our Hopes and Dreams. Steve Nash divorcing, Rough.  When we learn they are human too, it brings one pause and makes us pay attention to our own stuff. There is comfort knowing we are in the same boat.

Manny Pacquiao won last night. What fuels his fire. In an HBO interview, Manny said, “He knows what it is like to be Nothing.”  From then on, I admired him more. He was very Human.  Not just a great fighter, but someone genuine.  Read that during the 11^th round, Manny looked at the referee, wondering are you going to stop this fight. He can’t see. Then Manny proceeded to NOT go for the Knockout. When I read this, Class Act. Not wanting cause more permanent physical damage.

Mind Wanders in Church

We all have some angst. Some thing that gnaws at us. We all have life issues. We have healthy ways handling stuff. Some aren’t so healthy. What used to bother me is that not being the best. If I wasn’t going to start, then I would find something that I would be varsity at. In time, it became humbling.  This need to be more than an honorable mention has been helpful and hurtful at times. In time, the need to be Elite has left. Now, I simply want to enjoy the people and time that I am with and let the rest take care of itself. Church yesterday got me thinking. Do all that I can and let God do the Rest.

. . .And Not

 I stole this from profile quote on FB from an old friend Marc, who got it from a movie 13^th Warrior. It helps me.  Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.

If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait. . .

Life happens. Divorces. Bad choices. Computer problems. Plans of a perfect life are nice, but these life moments are the stuff we need. We need to get up when we fall down. We look at the situation. Analyze. Feel Bad. We suck it up and move on.

Why? We realize the next few minutes are really all we need. Life has a way or working itself out. Steve Nash, sorry for people sensationlizing a private matter. I hope this Axiom is True, Then the Opposite should also be true. If All Good Things Come to Those That Wait, then All Bad Things Leave To Those Ready To Move On.  

Answer: In the Form of Question, Please.

 

I Can't Go On, I'll Can Go On

Just finished the last few minutes of BandSlam. There is a song in my head, "Everything I Own" I Will Give Everything I Own. . .Just to have ya.. ." Vanessa Hudgens, Kaprece’s former favorite singer. She’s into Usher and Taylor Swift. Boy meets girl. Girl leaves Boy. Boy gets back the girl. Happy ending.

If life were that simple. It is. No, I will be the first one to admit, "Life is not a movie." Nor should it be. One hundred minutes does not encapsulate a life. It is everything and more. It is the sum total of what we are, what we experience, how we filter these feelings, thoughts, and imaginations. To think that life is simply work, school, wife, family, and the rest. . .well, it is this and more.

We Have No Control

Forces around us play havoc in our lives. Whether it is an unappreciative teacher or boss. Maybe it is the unloving and uncaring other. Maybe it is the economy and the Evil forces over there, in some distant land. We, at times, feel like a puppet being played by some marionette master. At times, we are that.

We Have Control, I Am Captain

Still, we must remember, we are the Captain of our own soul.  The body we have is a transport on who we go through during this life’s journey. Sometimes, the body gets banged up. Still, there is more. We are also the construct of what the brain creates. Mind. Our perceptions on how we see the world. They say the line between genius and madness is a thin line. 

Yet, the programming that mind creates, the heuristics, the sum total of what we know can get flawed, outdated, corrupt. At times, we need to reboot new software to the shell of the programming. Windows 7, Vista, 3.O and the like. Think, of the people with Alzheimer or Autism. Are they no longer the person we think they are because the mind is broken? INVICTUS, Poem by William Ernest Henley

Human Potential, May Be Limitless

Problems, Challenges, Opportunities

Person would quickly discard others as defective, broken, . . as being special. Well, they are. We all are. We each are more than the stuff we can perceive. Sometimes people go to a higher power for answers. At times, we need to pray. We do. 

I Believe. . .

However, there are unbelievers. Well, I am not sure entirely that this without cause. A lady close to me who denies certain things exist and pooh poohs this as ridiculous. Do I think there are other life forms not of this planet? Sure, it is big out there. “It would seem like an awful waste of space. . .” to think we are the only ones. Do I believe ghosts and afterlife? Sure, I am sure each one of has had or knows someone who has had an experience with an afterlife. Do I believe in God? Yes, I believe and love God. 

We each have a destination. All on its own time and situation.

Only One Answer, More Than One Answer,

Am I religious puritan? Hardly. Do I think there is more than the Bible? The Koran?  Bhagavad Gita? Yes. Think of all the many religions out there. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Wiccans, Hari Krishna and Sikhs. Could go on with other religions? But. . .this is not my point. There are certain truths we have face every single day. We are faced with decisions to make, do, believe, feel, and think. Sure, some are ridiculous. Sure, some are well thought. There is more. 

Muhulland Fountain

True Today. True Tomorrow. Never Was True. Always True

Paradigms are just body of beliefs that are relevant at the time. There are many truths have laid hidden. Some facts are suppressed, repressed, destroyed , manufactured in order to hold on to certain truisms. Logic for one has been used to justify certain life events. Religion has been used as weapon for horrible acts.  Laws have all too often been legal, but immoral. History is littered with atrocities

Nietzche

I used to enjoy sports. I used to enjoy politics. Comics, movies, books, and the like. I still enjoy many of these things. However, being locked to certain beliefs and feelings have been more of struggle these days. We need Heroes, real and imagined. At times, villains win. Sometimes, the Celtics win (Just kidding, I like Larry Byrd, Danny Ainge, and the Chief) Faith is at time hard-earned. Many problems are man made. So are many of its Solutions.

Facebook Fatigue

Sitting out at the Grind again. I find that there has been a certain fatigue. Been thinking of a concept of facebook fatigue. Many people I know personally have been cocooning. Not wanting to share stuff out there. Totally understandable. Putting one’s life thoughts, actions, beliefs, feeling, hopes in a post is tiresome. In many ways, it has been purely voyeuristic. Reading others thoughts, clicking like and adding oneself to a fan page. It has been somewhat exhibitionistic, broadcasting to the world. Look at my picture. Check out where I am. See how many miles I have done, read my ads, join my group because I know the good life. Perhaps, this is true. Don’t want to judge. Takes too much time away from enjoying where I am and who is with me.

Del Negro: Former All Star, Coaches Clippers

Go Both Ways

We have a duty.  I believe, we must give what we take. We must continue to provide guidance and patience for others to make way. Sure many will fall down. Many will not reach their dream this lifetime. That is okay. It is supposed to be that way. Many will not have the same dreams and wishes that you had. They are not supposed to. We are not our parents. Nor our kids us. We must face whatever is ahead of us with the body and knowledge (and insights) to respond.

Me, We or Me, Wheee

I think back to this saying. Muhammad Ali (the Manny Pacquiao of his time to those that don’t know) gave the speech at a prestigious university. All in attendance screamed for the former fighter to give them a poem. He was poet, a great storyteller. He said, “Me, we.” I heard of hit in a movie, “When We We’re Kings.” I thought what a magnificent social leader. Me, we are part of a bigger community. We are all in this together. Recognizing individualism and collectivism in a short two word poem. Later, I read somewhere another attendee , “Heard it this way. Me, Wheeee.” Meaning it is a good life and I am enjoying as best as I can. Both powerful possibilities. Both credible interpretations.

Guiding Light, Prometheus and Epimetheus

My point is this. Whatever fundamental truths are learned in the experience and totality of everything before and future, it all has meaning.  Sounds like gobbledygook (yes, this is a word) It may be. We must look to both the future and past for insight for decisions we make today. Both are relevant and irrelevant.  We must decide to hold on to certain values and truths and we must decide to go a very different way if the past is holding us back on who we need to be. We are decider of our personal realities. Prometheus and Epimetheus

Your Question, Your Answer, Your Life

Truth is this. . . 

(Enough Said)

Karmic Dances

Manhattan beach parking lot. Next to lifeguard towers. Sand on my feet and my parking meter has nine minutes. Bootleg of Up in the Air is on my flash drive now. Planned on going to Michelle’s house but I got no word about it. They had a thing yesterday and I thought today. Maybe I am wrong. Left them a message on email and voice-mail.

Kevin and the kids are going to Papa’s dance recital. Surfers are gearing up. Ladies are paying for the parking meter. Dressed in funny outfits. Quarters drop in and drop out. They are overweight. All of them. I’m overweight, too, so I can say crap like that. Not happy with weight, but I’m working on that. Read a post of some guy with my last name. He made this girl cry. She wearing jeans and a fanny pack  was jogging down the street. He paused and said, “You’re fat.” She left teary eyed.

I started replying, “No comeback. Maybe this will prompt her to get in better shape and if she can’t take a joke fuck it.” I decided not to reply because didn’t really want to engage in Facebook conversation. I’ve learned that this out-loud brashness may be masking this Facebook friend's pain. This insensitivity and the need to create shock value for this person is either smoldering pain or just bluster. I am sure he has good inside and he knows what he is doing. I will say this, “Karma can be a Bitch.” The not so nice talk says a lot, but those that like to psychoanalyze, I will leave at that.

Spoke to Ms. Potter and I reminisced on not being so nice. “No, you can’t sleep here tonight.” “No, I don’t want to look up your skirt, I rather read a book.” ‘She Kisses like a lizard.” These words haunt me because I realized how stupid and mean I have been. Maybe I had the need to put a facade. Maybe the filter from my brain and mouth were shear. Yup, they were pretty transparent. To those I spoke these words to and about, please accept my apologies.

Didn’t mean to scar or hurt because I know choice words can leave oh so painful scars. Been judicious with my words for some time now. Plus, I have been more accepting of nature of people. Trying not judge and just to see people honestly and openly. Those I found that have the nature to so say not so nice things are really hurting inside. I see the nature of those that take years and years of unkind words. They lash out in pain and/or become stand-up comedians.

Can’t tell you how much I admire Rinnes and Jason. Suffered so unkind words and they flipped it. Lost weight and more focused than I will ever want to be. Another, she’s found a good man and has great kids. She found a calling and accepted the therapeutics of comedy.

Personally cringe a bit inside when I hear “Bad Boy. If you don’t do this, I will take this away.” I understand this and accept it.The raised voice is there. Heard and said it. I am not a parent, not a real parent, so I can’t comment or criticize. I can only observe and just listen. At times, I say and show a different way to handle things. For me, whenever shouted at or threatened, it only strengthened my resolve and it stirred my need for payback.

Well, I am trying to rid the hate in my heart. Don’t want to carry that Karmic headache. I understand the wrath and it is fun to lay down the wood, but its temporary. I try to bring love and laughter to heart that’s healing. Ocean waves are crashing. Parking lot time was up 25 minutes ago and I got to pee. Too much tea. Thank you, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying