Discovery

Cardiologist appointment in an hour. Don’t think it will be as positive as before. Been off the wagon for a few months. Perhaps this why I’ve been out of sync. Been in habits not conducive to a lifestyle of more life. Won’t dismiss all the traveling and adventures have not been fun, but I know there were many times that I could have done something differently. 

I am sure this is true in many of our lives. Things could have been a lot different if one said or did something differently. Saw a picture of my ex-girlfriend with her new baby girl (I think girl). Looked at her profile picture and it  reminded in how in a few short years many things could have been a lot different. Sent a friend request to a lady that is my good high school friend’s ex-wife. She is married now and looks happy from her photos. Spent time in his and her house one weekend reminiscing. Still don’t know where my friend, her ex is. 

From what I hear, my friend (her ex-) got shacked up with someone and now is pursuing a career in acting. Another friend is up north and has not returned any emails. Its funny how time flies by so and one see the road not traveled.  

Circle of friends are smaller these days. Some by choice. Some by attrition. Had lunch at a restaurant with some nice people and it reminded me the camaraderie factor. It reminded me how important a nod and smile can make a world of difference.

At dinner, one said she would venture out more, but she does not know where to go. Thought to myself that unknown is what drives us to go and adventure. It is this not knowing that is the fun part. At times it is discovering that wonderful new restaurant by the beach. Sometimes, it is learning that a new way of doing the same old thing, like grilled PBJs. Sometimes you learn that you like taking photos of flowers because you got a psychic message to. Often times, this discovery is learning, discovering about loved ones and yourself.

It is good to reminisce. Yet Future is the destination. Looking forward, there is so much to see. So much to enjoy. So much to live. The river we have ventured has gotten us to this place where we need to be. Could wax on about time immemorial passed; however, around the corner, around the next bend, is somewhere one belongs. Where one is committed to. Where that is for me, I am yet to find out. However, the journey will uncover many gifts of the world and many new gifts about me I’ve yet to discover. The price for these treasures are my time and choices. My chakras will clear. I will get attuned. The people that were once good friends will return or they will stay in the past where they should be. I send my love to them nonetheless. And I will move on because around the corner is where I will meet my new/ old friend again.

Congratulations Shell on your beautiful baby. Hope to see you again Scott. Brian you are missed, but its time.

Big Picture

A downed friend. What do you do?

Hospitalized, sick. Reminisce of better times. Ask the question what happened. Truth seems a. . . sketchy. We speak of inane unimportance. Not wanting to be preachy. Not wanting to delve deeper with making an emotional investment. Not wanting to step on fragile self-images and tell one to stand up. I've been where he's at.

Conversation is awkward. There was reason we weren't close. Time

Publish Post

passed and the journey we made together no longer brings joy and meaning in one’s life. Perhaps this is a test to move on. Perhaps this is a test for me to renew old friendships.

A tough balancing act. Its like meeting an ex. Time spent was good and had joy and purpose before. Simple enjoyment of being in one’s company sharing good times and memories.

Yet, there is thought in the back of the mind that there is a reason you are not together. Certain awkwardness in a failed, or changed relationship. Bumping to an old friend at a movie, you have lost touch with. Not a comfortable one. Yet, these moments of unease are. . .something. Not sure what to call it, but it is something. Found myself more comfortable writing on Facebook to some friends, then speaking to them in person.

"A self-believed projected image is what stopping me," I say. This is what I think you think of me and I like to keep that illusion in my head. Playing this story in one’s cinema of the mind. It’s not real. True. Yet, imagination is a powerful tool.

This is a bit self-deluded. In our own personal story, we are the stars. We forget that at times we are a side role. We at times a are major player. At times, we are a minor one.

This self-aggrandizing of being better is a bit deceptive. I don’t know. Perhaps this is all garbage?

An old friend I lost touch with hasn’t returned any messages. It feels that this is spreading with others. This has bothered me. What would we really have to say? How’s life? How are you doing? What have you been doing these past few years? Has too much time passed? Has too much river passed underneath this bridges?

I know there is joy and hope out there. I know there is meaning to this trial. Yes, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. But really, so what? This malaise is temporary. I know, but it sucks in the meantime. Picture is bigger than I can see at this juncture. I am not ready to see it now.

Asked this person if he had an Out of Body when he said he flat-lined. He said, “No.”

First Law of Thermodynamics states that “Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms. In any process in an isolated system, the total energy remains the same.”

We shift spectrum. Sometimes we are red, then orange, yellow, green, blue and indigo.Our wavelengths changes. We absorb the light energy and reflect back a certain color. Yes, this seems a bit alternative. For the moment, I will be okay with this.

Bird of feather flock together. Opposites attract—Not sure why this old friend manifested in my life, but I suspect there is meaning to this. Lesson for each one to learn. Trouble is learning what that message is. This exchange had purpose. It had meaning.

Perhaps, this chance encounter was to ready myself for unfinished business. Perhaps it was to give him Hope. Don’t know. We were friends long ago. Called him an “A-hole” sometime back. Firing this barb was uncalled for and limited. This is not nice and Karma is real.

Maybe as I free flow, this mystery encounter's meaning will be revealed. It had purpose for now and the future. It will all make sense at the end of this cycle. Glad that I went to see him. Facing this troubled soul I found that I could be him and then realized that I was him. 

There’s joy somewhere. We are made of sterner stuff. People fall all the time. It’s just getting back up, that's the hard stuff. Some people choose to stay down and continue their course of actions that has worked before. Now that circumstances have changed a course correction is needed. Well, this reminder of a "what if" has been played out. What is no longer working needs to be adjusted. Honesty and creativity I believe needs to be used here. These tools and steps will help see me through this.

Well, its time to keep the heart open and let the Big Smile guide me. Friend, door is open. Sorry for calling you an A-hole. I, too, was an A-hole. Maybe we'll get over this A-Hole disease together. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with. . . You know the rest. Guess, I will work on my own cliches. Be well.

Journey

It Could Have Been Me

Learned that an old friend is in the hospital. He is confused, agitated and noncompliant. Extubated himself and removed lines. Ryan is a diabetic and has not been taking care of himself from what I gathered. 

Its been some time since we spoke. He was an asshole. Don’t get me wrong I wish no ill will on this old childhood playmate. However, he was not too nice too some neighborhood kids. Grade school kids can be very mean. He was the mean type.

Rivers of Our Lives

Drifted apart after I moved from the Hills. Not someone that I consider close friend, but someone I knew. Not sure how to react. It is disturbing to learn that his condition is not well. It is disturbing to learn that life has not been so kind to him. With blood sugar levels up in the high triple digits, I find that I need to look at my own lifestyle and my own choices.

Choices, Why?

Don’t know if he is giving up. Don’t know if he cares. Perhaps he’s in one of the stages of DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance). Not sure if I will visit him, it has been so long ago. Perhaps I should because it has been so long ago. Not sure where the voices will send me. Some things I can’t forget. The way he treated some neighbor kids was cruel. He was an asshole.

Perhaps this is test. A test to Forgive and to genuinely to show concern. Not sure if he has many friends. Not sure if life is better for him. Perhaps this discovery is a call for. . .I don’t know.

If It Were Me?

Would I want someone to visit me if I were hospitalized? Would I want to be reminded of a time when I was not so nice? I looked him in facebook. Didn’t send him a friend request. Perhaps I should. If I want forgiveness, perhaps. . .I don’t know.

I knew him. I know of him. I know him.

Should I Follow This Current?

Do I want to relive the past? Do I want to go there? A river runs through it played on Tv the other day. It was a story about fishing. About two brothers. About something I don’t really know the moral of the story and how it relates to the now. I am sure it will come to me.

There are old friends I’d like to reconnect. People that I would like to call friend again. Yet, I wait. I wonder. .

Sights I Have Seen

This month I have been traveling around here and there, going on a road trip to San Francisco with my cousin. Visited a lot of places, Hearst Castle. Solvang, Big Sur, China Town, Golden Gate Bridge. Watched the last two games of the NBA Finals. Took pictures of many sites, elephant seals molting, brown cows chasing zebras, statues and rotundas, and chalk picture artists. 

We go through life visiting and meeting people of all sorts. We hear of old playmates come and gone. We live life. We have a connection. We have a lesson in everything. The universe gives us what we need at the time we need them. At first, we may not see the big pictures because our vision is focusing on the little things. We want to be in the moment, but we at times some how miss the bigger picture.

Unfinished Business?

There are friends of long ago that I only see through Facebook. They live their lives in ways. I am happy for them. We are not close because we make choices to act, to live, to ride that river.

Ryan, I don’t know if I will visit. I hope there is a reason for me to learn of your life. I think I will visit. Perhaps, its for you. Perhaps its for me. Perhaps, it is because there is a bigger reason I can not see right now. Coincidences happen, but the events in your life has perhaps briefly stirred an inkling to connect. To reconnect. When I found myself down, I needed help. Got that help from the Big Smile. Perhaps that is what you need. Perhaps it is what I need.

Ryan, get better. Take better care of yourself. I think I will stop by and say, Hi. There is a reason. Guess, I need to take a leap and find out why.

Morning Observations: Sierra and Avenue N

She'll Be Coming Around the.  . .
Morning. Sun’s up. Lightly clouded sky. Cars are racing to in front and to my right. A camper sleeps a hundred feet away. Sunshades up. Bicycle in back. Out in the desert parking lot I wonder if its been there all night. On the corner of N and Sierra. 

Sierra Cyclists
A bicyclist rides the Sierra Highway Trail The traintracks to his right. I wonder where he is riding to. He has a bag on his handle bar. Another truck, a semi carries some load. Cars race north and south on  Sierra Highway.

Painted Transports
A graffiti covered train passes by. A short one at that. Another Metrolink should be coming soon. There it is. White and six car one at that.  Its taking those to LA. Going to Union Station.

Flying Insects
Tiny insects buzz around outside my window. Not bees. Tiny wasps maybe? Flies I think not. Like a squadron buzzing all around. Some land on my car door. Tiny transparent wings. Three segments Perhaps the lizards and birds will have something to eat in the summer days. I wonder why they fly around here?

Frat Frenzy
I would take pictures but my window is dirty. They're back. Perhaps I didn’t notice before and they were always here. Don’t see any food around. Perhaps they are mating. There’s a general buzz about. Sorry. Get this tension feel. Looks like a mini air dogfight. Such frenzy. Reminds me of fraternity party. Just circling all about. Tried taking some photos, but its just a blur.All I can photograph is white buzz.

Camper Awakes
Escaper is its name. A dark man with glasses drives right past. Maybe he will get lunch. No, I mean breakfast. I am the one wanting lunch. Mustache he had. He drove so fast. I wonder what his deal is. Morning must got his engine going.

AMR, um, Never Mind
Sirens start screaming from my right and behind. White and orange van comes racing up behind. An AMR. He turns left at the corner. Cars pull over to the right. The AMR Ambulance races North, my left on Sierra. Lights and sirens turn off and the ambulance doubles back. I wonder if he is going to hang at the corner, too. Dispatch must have canceled the call. LCH would be up the street and to the left. Hospital bound, I think not.

Trains, Toyotas and Treks
Another bicyclist rides past. North South is his way. Mountain bike he rides. Helmet on and riding casually. Not seeming in a hurry. Just riding along in a nice pace. Wonder where is is going? I’d like to ride this trail once. Not so fast. Not in a hurry. Riding along casually.

Another rides South to North. This one seems more determined. A road bike he rides. Handle bars is curved in for a cyclist crouch. Reduce wind resistance. Cut down on the energy expenditure. Mountain Bikes have a straight handle. Brakes and gear-shifters at handles. A twist here changes speed. A squeeze with the left slows the front brakes. The right squeezes the brakes in back.

Riding Brakeless
Just the other day, on Sierra and Palmdale. Saw two kids. Jr High youths. Riding their dirt bike. Using their feet as brake. Thought to myself. This might be ugly. Cars are stopped and they can’t. Two youths riding reckless, throwing caution to the wind. Soles of their shoes are worn down. No brake system in back. 

No Mas
I think of Ricky Christian. An old high school friend. Not from a family with means. Home, like sister, was bit ghetto-ish. I remember his running shoes had deep divots. He used his soul of his new balance running shoes as a brake to slow down his descent. He like my girlfriend at the time. Funny, he had a Trek, but no brakes. A warrior. We would always fight. Fight in a boxing sparring sense. No not the angry intention battle. We would just compete. Spar with gloves. One time I landed a haymaker. Took him off his feet. A mighty blow. Reminded me of Mike Tyson. Eyes rolling back We stopped boxing after that.

Feminine Flaws, Love Them
Glad those days are over. He ran cross country. A bit clumsy, but he was a companion. A buddy to hang with. Wonder what happened to him. Military I think. Hope he’s okay. 

It’s funny how you remember things at the corner. A lifetime ago. Amanda, Elaine, Dana, Michelle. Good and great women I say. Beautiful, smart, flawed a bit. Good ones are I guess. Perfect to me. Times has passed for moments like these. I wonder if I will get lucky again. Who knows? I am happy to have been.

Ship Sailing
Traffic is picking up. Cars in groups of 4 and 5 race up and down Sierra Highway. Traffic noise is getting louder. Cars stopped at the light are three and four deep. Northrop Grumman or Skunkworks perhaps? These cars feel like in a hurry. Midweek and morning work soon. Palmdale’s ark is behind me and to my right. Its nice seeing it without graffiti. It just sits there waiting for the sunset.  It appears the flying frenzy has gone.  Perhaps, I too should take my leave. Goodbye flag above. Goodbye, Buzz. Goodbye green bush. Got to go use the day.