Saturday wedding. Brisk, but lovely. Choice for the wedding location is one of my favorites. Got there early and had a chance to roam. Not very close to the bride or the groom. Still at parties we say, "Hi and Bye." Nice fellow and adorable wife. The idea of being married had me thinking of the choices in life to be made. Wondered if I was going to be alone? Wondered if I would ever find the one? Wondered if its too late?

Honestly felt blessed to be intimate with the ladies that been in my life. However, I was a bit spoiled and ruined forever for the ones that have been there. Won't go into detail but each one has profoundly effected my outlook and fundamentally the person who I am today. Been bitter. Been joyful. Been forgiven and been seeking redemption. Learned to Love again when i had doubts if I ever would again.

Haven't been with anyone in awhile. For right now that is okay with me. Maybe its denial. Maybe it being spoiled. Maybe its a drop in testosterone. She was my soul mate. She was the one that made me believe again. She was the one that helped me feel okay when I had doubts. Each one blessed me some wonderful gifts. Don't know if I cross their mind. But maybe. That's okay with me.

Watching the couple row in the boat sipping the wine. Couldn't help think, Sappy. I thought about the idea of holding hands and saying sweet nothings. . . well, its an idea that no longer crosses my mind. I wonder off if it would have been better to seek vocation in the seminary. Just too much gush just doesn't seem genuine. Maybe I am jaded. Maybe its too sappy romantic movie. Just doesn't seem real. Real to me is holding hands with a loved one in a hospital. Real to me is being there. Real to me is standing alone when need be. It means standing with others just because we got their six. Real to me is Giving Space to make mistakes and to close doors when its time. Real is real and that wine sipping in a boat isn't real unless it the Real One.

Won't get into but I remember hearing the call from the other woman. I remember the hurt in both their voices and vowed than I would never do such a hurtful betrayal. Been the betrayer, Been betrayed. Heard stories and denied their veracity. This. . .makes me want to close my eyes and start conversing with personal Angels.

Won't continue with this thread. My eyes feel heavy. I will pick this up later and decide whether to share more. Good night.

When one Marries, I have to believe. Its their Real One.

Maybe, I'll fi. . .

Right now I'm good, Big Smile. Those Angels help.