She Fills Me

She dances with a passion and I am enamored. Her smile lights up a room. I wish I knew her sooner. She leaves in a few months and I just can't help being saddened at the thought of her departure. I resolved that to spend as much time in her company before she leaves my life. I wish it weren't so but she needs more. She lives apart from her other and I respect her even more so. She is an angel in my eyes. Don't want to fall for her. I really wish that she had some feels for me. I would love to kiss those lips. Yet, she is wed and certain lines one does not cross. This line i would tempt for her touch. If I were a better (or worser) person I would run to her side. Yet she is strong enough on her own to not need anyone. She is one I believe I would need. She is emotional. She is strong. She vulnerable. She is strong enough to let her emotions show. She cries when betrayed. She smiles when happy. She frustrates when her standards aren't met. She is substantial. I don't want to say "I Love Her" because such words carry much weight and certain obligation. It's not an exercise I take lightly. Too often, one would give promises to meet some wanton desire and hold their words cheaply. She is one I know one move on if her lover left because she is strong like that. Yet I find myself feeling she's not one I would move on so easily. She is that one candle that holds mightily lit on strong windy night.  The fire she sparks would last a lifetime. It's not because she is beautiful and she is quite that. It's not just her personality that holds me. It's her everything. What's funny is that I would not have sought her company and friendship it weren't for another. Another that I strongly considered more than a friend. So I say, I will not tell her "I Love Her" I just hope she just knows and that will be enough. If not in this lifetime, maybe the next... She is grace. She is passion. She is everything and I wish her happiness. A deep soul warming happiness. Her happiness would meet my needs and I would have lived a full life.

Friends

So I write. What about? Its been some time since my fingers have tickled the keyboards. Much has passed, things left unsaid. My feelings are that of loneliness and wanting. Sometimes of feelings of rejection. It is the vibe of being cast away. By someone that I should have no business. I hear her words and they hurt. It troubles me because I long for company. It's of another. I've been told that I am her friend and when she says things today I shake my head and say, "What about me?"

Another friend, she is pretty and speaks the same love language. Yet...Not sure where this longing comes from. Perhaps its time. Perhaps its overdue. I text and chat and I no longer want. Its a road I've traveled and one where there is growth and I am no longer a part of that world. I wish to and know it won't be.

Last words spoken, "Congratulations..." Last text and I moved on. I her pics on occasion. Shared my story with others and I just try to lay the feelings on the floor. Let it go and no longer feed this feeling. Hoping to let it pass. No longer part...Yet was I ever a part.

My feels it was for the best. Looking back. I hope this script has better ending.  So I leave here...with understanding that this is what needs to happen. Brighter day is just around the corner.

Cant sleep

Late night writing using the phone. Coco sleeping beside as she dreams of chasing birds in the yard. Her legs kick and she barks so softly. Sounds like a baby's hiccup.

I wonder how I move when I asleep. Woke up thinking of that lady. Finding myself feeling green again. Being close but not close enough. I wonder at times if I will find that love story,. I wonder if I'll find that person that wants to learn how to dance together. I'm sure it's just me setting super standards which no fan meet. Not wanting to get close knowing that at an instance I may be giving up my freedom. Feeling trapped.  Maintaining a courteous distance do as not to get close. In probability that person I'm getting close to will be just "Someone I used to know"

Stupid as this may sound...I've grown accustomed to talking with her at length. The reason I'm writing now is to resist calling her at 3 in the morning. This want to be close and this fight to pull back. Fear that this road to travel is hard wrought and in the end only one hurt is yours truly. Given the countless anecdotal evidence that people change after marriage. I don't like being green right now.

Maybe I will try to get lost in some music

Present..

Long time. Find myself enamored by another beautiful lady that I have found in the friend zone. Actually two true bevies that I find attraction toward. Is bevie a word? Nonetheless I find that I'm in the friend zone and it's a place I find myself because I'm not ready to commit. Will I ever be and why would one want to form a bond with one that is unresolute. Having fun and playing is nice but kids stuff. Difference between a boy and a man.

Been said I'm a free spirit. Not wanting strong ties not weighed down with drama and earthly things. Which in many ways are true. Examining the illusion of many troubled marriages I find it a minefield wrought with heartache. No return to a single life. Broken trust, wanton desires, and release from maid duties.

How does one balance this commitment and freedom? Found myself break all connection with one I felt betrayed. Promised I would remain friends until told otherwise. Although not with words, a lie of omission has me angered and betrayed. Being one untold of coming nuptials, I found myself hurt and betrayed. So much so, two friends at separate times noticed the anguish on my face. Broke all ties and I find myself starting anew.

This will all fail I fear. Not until I get right with M.

Nonetheless I find myself feeling the green.

Reading texts that aren't mine.  unreplied messages and missed calls. Makes one feel insecure. Still recognizing this one's frailities  makes it easier to conquer.