MyTurn

Few days. . .A landmark day. One doesn’t really know it at the time. However, I do sense a change upon us. Can’t say what the nature of change because I don’t really know myself. Life changes as it always does. People coming. People going. People growing. People slowing. I can see it in their eyes, their movements, their mannerism. Children proud with awards being received. A happiness in their parent’s eyes as the future unfolds.

I see the FB post of another family friend passing. Distant friend gone in body, but never lost in spirit. A changing of the guard as new ministers share their homilies. I look at the sacred relics of ancient past of lives that were remarkable.  I show the little one the magics of a boomerang. We shoot a plastic bow and arrow and he gives me a lesson on the Autobots and Decepticons. I review the pictures of the underwater camera.

Listening to the oscillating fan pivot left and right. A contraction and expansion of life. Yesterday, I read of the tension brewing between the PI and China. It made me think of my Tatay. We visited him (and Rochelle) yesterday. According to Ancestry, he was a scout for the Army. It reminded me of the premier of Amigo the Movie. Tatay lived during that time. A time of war. A time when there was a change of guard. A change of thinking. A change. 

Precie’s birthday is the landmark day. Fourth of July.  She almost past on her birthday. She was touched by the Angels that day fourteen years ago. These moments when a drive to Las Vegas could be so insignificant.We think it is a simple a visit, when a loved one from a Bagdhad tour comes home. We hope when a loved one’s visit for a biopsy is nothing but routine. We fire up when fighting over the ownership of a spoon. These can be so overwhelming when dealing with a three four year old with a headstrong personality. All these big and little things mean so little and so much. Our view contracts and expands. We see lives in the moment. Catching bits and pieces here and there.

Found myself at a gas station I never visit. Lost in the great moment of buying fruit juice so I can get change for a newspaper. I don’t really buy newspapers. I was not particularly thirsty. Still, had a sense that I needed to be there at that moment. So there I stood wandering in the tiny gas station. Then I heard from behind, “Can you tell me where Avenue R is? I am looking for Saint Mary’s Church.“

Got poked on my soul. Realized that it was my turn. Not going to say a bigger picture. However, for some time, been feeling out of the Flow. Backsliding a bit. The view, my view, has lost some of freshness. Nothing seemed alive as it once did. Not sure it was attitude or vitamin deficiency, but my view has been dragging. Not the same energy, same enthusiasm, that same light.   

However, when she said, “I am looking for Saint Mary’s” It reminded me that we need some direction some time. We need to take charge and lead others where they need to go. We need to go. Experiences, life lessons, past wins and losses—It gives us a perspective that can make a difference.

Read a short FB post from one I knew in high school. He wrote, “God is good. Didn’t have a job for the summer until. . .” Didn’t know it at the time, but it was a page turning in the story for the day. Watched a documentary the Afterlife. It had that same sensation.  Discussed people’s attitudes and beliefs of the Afterlife. Interviewed experts on OBE’s and NDE. Discussed the Life Review, the tunnel, and overwhelming sense of Love. When one gets that “Ah-Ha” moment, the world seems so much clearer. The mystery is revealed.  Like someone has flipped the “On” switch and shone us the light. Life is such a mystery and it’s our journey to uncover all its gifts. We need to get dirt under our fingernails to see Life’s beauty. We think it is just spider webs and weeds at times, and for some it is just that.

Still, if everything were pleasant, how would we take appreciation to what we like. Don’t think everyone wants war. Don’t think everyone enjoys a fight. But it’s not supposed to work that way. We are the receiver and sender. We are messenger and message. We think that things are done to us and forget we do things to others.

Our universe perspective is as important as the one next to you. That other one could be a child’s wonderment. It could be an elder’s experience.  We must temper wide eyed joy amazement with sharpened eye of someone who has been there before. Give up some of childishness while losing some of that “Way It Used to Be.”

Landmark moment is coming. It is always Coming. . .and always Going. Lest we forget that our duty is guide and to follow. Its giving up and letting go. So as to take charge and take in. This conduit, we are. Take Love, Give Love.

No, I didn’t need the paper. No, I wasn’t thirsty. Ask me why, I stopped at the gas station before I got there.  I couldn’t tell you. When I heard that lady that ask “Where is St Mary’s?” It was revealed. I said “Follow me. I am was headed that way before I got a message to stop and pick something up.” Little did she know I was supposed to show her the way. Big Smile, got the message. 

 

It was my turn.

Malachi

An unfinished life is. . .

There are so many ways finish this sentence. It’s a . . .tragedy. It’s . . .unimaginative. It’s . . .the truth. All are correct. All are false. The truth is you define your life. You decide how to view events. Good, bad, and somewhere in the middle. You impart the meaning to what happens and what doesn’t. People can tell you this is good. Then they can try tell you what is bad. Who are these deciders of fashion? Who are the moral police to tell me or you what is of quality and what is not? Morality is vogue. 

Society has an impact. Religion has an impact. Parents, brothers, sisters, and the rest of the kin has there two cents to say. Still, you are ultimate decider for your personal truth. Your personal story. Sure some would say we the Big Smile would reveal the meaning behind all this. I don’t refute this at all. However, we were given free will, many Bible readers would say. Others would say submit to those that follow the Islamic teachings. Others of Abrahamic brethren would be more rule following. However, to acquiesce or own judgment to others is a tragedy . It is unimaginative. It is the truth how many of us lives. False or correct these good intentioned people may be, but we all too often do not to listen to that most important voice inside of us all.

Bombarded by noise of tv and radio. Noise of talking heads. Noise of the everyday going-ons in life. We feel we can’t hear our own heart, our own thoughts. We are suffocated by so much static we can't breathe. Did you know that Son of God was said to have traveled to the mountains, gone for 40 days in the desert in some mini exodus. When the people seeking healing and salvation were great,it must have been suffocating, he took some time to be oneself. To take a moment of pause and examine the trials ahead of him.  The Prophet Mohammad was said to go to  the mountains and the Angel Gabriel gave him the message. He needed time, too. Joseph Smith was said to have found some tablets. Moses went up the mountains and and got some stone tablets.

From what I get of these stories, is that we need to get away and re-examine, re-define, re-imagine a new way. We need to get the message clear. We need to be one with the Big Smile. Alone. We need to really listen. We need to listen and read the message of Angels, our Malachi, and do good work. Whatever work that may. An unfinished life is what we decide.

Did you know the word angel means messenger from God according to the Christian and Hebrew Bible. It is to be the "bearer of news"  In the Qur'an, they referred to as Malaikah. Actually the word Malachi, means my messenger. The Book of Malachi refers to the "hand of God."None had wings, too. Seraphims and Cherubims are often depicted with wings.Many messengers--human messengers--were prophets or priests.

We ridicule peopl. We ostracize them. We put them in institutions. Those to have announce to have gotten messages from God we give pause to their credibility. Schizophrenic? Maybe they did get a message, maybe they are full of debris. Truth is some of the garbage I've seen and been witness to, there had to be some divine message being sent. Maybe it was to tell us how to act, how not to act, to be and not to be. Truth. I can't answer this for you or anyone else. Go to a counselor or holy man (or woman) I can only hear my own guardian messenger.

A message for me, the word Ezra,has meant something for me. First heard the band, Better than Ezra. Then took a Bible as Literature class and there was discussion of the Judges cycle and the prophet of Ezra. Then I read the Book of Ezra. Didn't think much of the book. It just seemed a story of listing people that re-built a temple to God. Then I read the study guide version of the Bible and it seemed to make sense and had relevancy to my own personal story and message. It was a discussion on how we, even with a broken heart, we can rebuild and make our heart--our Love--whole and strong again. Not an easy task, but one worth the undertaking. 

Maybe its crap. Maybe its gospel. I would say, "I do not know." But this would not be true at all. I do know.

My heart has been broken. Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally. We all have had this happen to us in our lives. Maybe not the extent as my CHF, but broken nonetheless. CHF my message, my Malachi. Guess, the reason I've been writing is to send a message. No, I am not spreading gospel or evangelizing. Its just not me. I have a story to tell to someone, to someone special.

Thing is. . .we are all angels. We are all messengers. We tell a story. We all have stories. For some stories, it is good. For some, not so happy. I would go on, but my message, my life is still unfinished. There is more to tell. So with everyday, with every moment, I add to this my message, my story. 

For now, it is is time to take in, to learn, to document, to examine, and re-distribute. For now, go with. . .the Big Smile.

Standing Over You

I want to thank the Angel watching over me

Actually, I want to thank all Angels, humans and other wise.  Last night was bit harrowing driving home. Slick roads, snow coming down in flurries, so much so that I didn’t want to keep my brights on. It looked so much worse seeing all the snow coming down than less. Thank you for correcting Civic when I thought I was going to spin it. Thank you for keeping it dark enough where all I could do is focus on the few feet ahead of me.

You know I was scared driving to the top of Wrightwood. You know I was afraid they were going to close down the roads and that I would double back to sleep at Aunt Sally. You know I was afraid that I was driving too fast for icy mountain roads. Just needed to say out loud that I was afraid that we weren’t going to get home safely with the ones that I love.

You have been there for me those many long, late nights from the OC. You woke me when I was dozing off on the 405. I still remember that nudge on my shoulder when I was so close to the Wall of Death. I swear that I heard you singing to me.  I knew it was you that shook me awake. You know how I was so close to leaving paint on that barrier. Could have been worse, huh? Thinking about crashing on that sleepy drive home is not a thought I want to have in the memory banks. 

I knew it was you when you gave that police man the suggestion to let me sleep it off at the Hotel instead of bringing me in for the DUI. I know it was you that kept me up, one leg up standing steady when he gave me that road sobriety test.  It was you that guided my hand to touch my nose when the Officer asked. It was you that helped be blow the breathalyzer below legal limit. You got me through those challenging times. DUI story

I am sorry I didn’t heed your shouts that one night on the radio. I know it was you shouting for me to do the right thing, but I was too stupid and too blind. I have no secrets from you nor from the Big Smile. For this I am sorry, so sorry. I hope you can accept my apology for letting you down. Biggest regret in my life. When I fell ill with my heart condition, I knew it was you giving me what I needed. I know that. Knew it then, too. 

Also heard you in the shower. That Pan thing. Got it. Sorry, I am slow to warm up.  Wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but it was what I needed. From me and my family, thank you.

Lots of the guilt and loathing has washed away. The stink of  past mistakes no longer choke me. They are washed away in that year of healing heart. It was broken, so broken down. Rebuilt. Its better now. Strong as Bull. My heart has been cleansed. Awash with Faith. Full of Faith.  It is so full of Faith. I am trying to get the basics for the future ahead and I hope to be better than yesterday.

When I started writing this blog, I was not a regular churchgoer. I never did read the Bible for other than academic reason. I never actively searched for God. For one reason is that I always felt you close. Didn’t need the ritual of religion. I was okay just talking to you on down low. 

There may be a time, when our relationship will go public because you have spoke in ways that I cannot understand nor explain. Not sure that I can speak with fire and brimstone as others. It is not really my style. For now, I hope the Blog is okay. I hope the pictures of the Missions and Churches will do. Not sure on the priest thing yet, but I will try to live a pious life.

However, things have changed for me. You know this. I am a weekly churchie. Been reading the Bible. Still not looking because the Big Smiles is always with me.  

You know I do go out visit at his House. At the Mission Inez. At the Mission San Fernando. At the Mission San Gabriel. At the Mission San Juan Capistrano. At the Temples in the Valley. At the Temple on the way to Zuma. At the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels. At Mission San Diego. I promise to keep visiting your houses. It is the least I can do.

Still got reservation Telling others what they should do would seem so hypocritical and you know I try not be that. It’s just the truth is that I cannot condemn others for their actions because I too cannot cast the first stone because I too have sinned.

You know I listened to the book on CD, Angel Time. Meeting Anne Rice and finally giving it a listen. It hit home with San Juan Capistrano description. Admittedly, it was spooky. But I’ve come to accept the Mysteries and seeing the connections with things.  

Thank you for sending word to the Big Smile. Thanks for getting Tamms the new job. Thanks for Corinne’s for her finding a good right guy. Thanks for opening doors with Family I never knew.  Thank you for everything.  Oh yeah, thanks for sending that Samoan guy at Garden Grove those years back. That question he asked got the wheels turning on the road home again.

To those, they may think this early sign of schizophrenia. Not sure which type, but seriously no one can tell me there is some bigger plan. Logic has its place. Emotion is vital. There has been a leap. . .and I have taken it. I can best explain it this way. My capacity for understanding is limited by the experiences and knowledge my brain can understand. People rationalize all kinds of things. I understand Cognitive Dissonance. But there are simply too many  Miracles. 

We fault not the child for putting his hand over the fire. When the parent shouts, “No” it is not out of malice the parent shouts. It is out of Love. Children make all kinds of funny jumps of logic. We may put our hand in the fire because it looks cool. We must learn the hard way, at times. It is through these trials that we evolve.  I’ve learned there is something more. . .so much more.  That line helps to understand. “Some things are true whether you believe them or not.” Guess, its like high school trigonometry. Hopefully, I can do more adding then detracting to this thing we call Life.

Anyways, for everything before and soon to come, thank you for being my Angel Standing By.