Late night observations: Can't fall asleep

Nose is stuffed up. My chin is on some toilet paper writing. ESPN is on. Pau Gasol is giving an interview. Windows is open. Not hot. Not cold. Nice. A dog is barking in the distance. Desert air is nice. I hear the cars drive by at the distance. Tried to sleep early and I did. Just work up early and can’t get to sleep. Played on Facebook for a bit, but it doesn’t hold the same interest as before. 

I read on my family’s post and I see a life lived. I also read on post, many people that play games. Haven’t accepted some game invitation in case of nights like these. Almost a 100 gifts I haven’t accepted. Guess, when I hit the century mark than I will accept them.

Just saw a photo album with my cousin. A beautiful lady with wonderful children. She ventures to places I’ve been and wanting to go. Just saw the poppy fields photos. She went to the Grove. She also was in my old haunts of time long ago. The tar pits. A true spirit.

Fell off the wagon with working out. Haven’t been praying as much as before. Don’t know if its Gremlins. Don’t know if its laziness. Don’t know if it is my Nike sensor not working. Don’t know if it this cold I have been feeling. Just been out of synch for a bit. Its been a couple of weeks and I’m just not in tune. Not hitting on all cylinders. Went to get my echo and from what I heard is that my EF% has been pretty dramatic. In other words, it was around the teens before. Ejection fraction for my heart was so low that I was considered to be put on a heart donor list. Its almost in the 60’s now.

This is something to be very proud of. Yet, not feeling all that good. It feels like I am missing much and just existing. Someone wrote me that they like the fact that I love my family so. I do. Whole heartedly. My heart is getting bigger and stronger. 

Dog barks are getting louder. More cars are driving by. Its almost morning soon. Just a couple of hours. Been writing more often. Less on my blog, more on other things. So why haven’t I written as much. Maybe it’s more quality than quantity. Been walking in more events. Finally finished my Mediation course this last weekend. Hooked up with an old family friend. Maybe I need an attunement? Maybe I don’t know. 

Chris is getting married to Jewel in three weeks. RC is leaving for the PI. Haven’t talked to Jay and the pool is not heated. Nose is stuffed. Used toilet paper snot rags litter on my floor. Can’t seem to break this cold.

Watched Iron Man DVD. Watched Speechless. Watched Punchline. Went to library and got the VCR working. whoah. That is going old school. Some of the movies there are ones I don't see on dvd. Life has been active, but I think its time to cocoon. I am grateful for all that has been given. I am grateful for all that has been accomplished. I am grateful for all the family and friends there. I am grateful for everything. Yet, why do I feel unsatisfied? 

Moon is almost full. Cars still are racing by. They call this the time of the wolf. Time when its not quite dawn and the dark of the night is upon us. I’m sure there are some foxes or wolves outside. Had a dog come to the house and I did not feed him. Tried to give him some pineapple, but he just stayed. Why was I more apt to give a dog some food versus giving a person from AM/PM some change? What is wrong with me?

Been out of synch and not in tune. The way things were done in the past is not working. It is time to do something different. I believe in Higher Up. I believe that there is a purpose and bigger plan. I believe that the path I am on will lead me to where I need to go. I don’t know. Guess, just out of synch. Just of tune.

No the moon is full. Just got a better look. More dogs are barking and howling outside. Something is happening to make them howl so. Can’t get to sleep and my nose is still stuffed.Guess, its time to clean the floor.

Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow, Bet Your Bottom Dollar

It’s dark outside. Evenings are coming sooner and sooner. I’m sitting in the hospital front lobby right now. Laptop’s plugged in. Getting some juice. It flashed earlier 5 minutes left. My eyes are heavy. There’s lots of commotion in the TV room. I hear a baby crying. A little girl cries, “She hit me.” Tired now. Still too much going on for me to rest. Automatic sliding door keeps opening and closing. Volunteer receptionist says, “Lancaster Community is closing in a couple of months,” to the visitor signing in.

Where's The Remote Control?

Winter Olympics are going right now. Kids are watching Dora the Explorer. Can’t get to a TV to watch the opening ceremonies. 2010 Vancouver not really sure if it’s that important. My interest is nothing compared to the 84 LA Olympics. Maybe it’s because the Olympics were only an hour away. Maybe, it’s because there was little viewing choices at the time. Only HBO then; Not like the hundred TV choices we have today. Maybe, it’s because the media blitz was so close to home. Maybe it was because everything was so new.

World's Ending. . .Again

It still dark outside. Foreclosures. 10%  jobless rate. Ads on radio, Iran’s nuclear enrichment program. Doom and gloom is still around. There was always one more war. Yet, it is no different than times before. No different so many hardship stories told before. I still hear the noise from the kids room next door. Political pundits cry a foul. Channel is changing. President did this. President didn’t do that. Mayor did this, Mayor did not do that. No one is ever satisfied. No one is ever totally happy. Palin-haters and Brownies. I am a Brownie.

Right Here, Right Now

What is your moment in time? What historical forces are coloring your view? What are your times? It’s NBA All-Star Weekend. Rookie and celebrity all-star event is playing right now. Dunk-a-thon and Horse are tomorrow’s events. Sunday is the All-Star game. Kobe is out, bad ankle. Iverson is out, too.Family Issues. City of Dallas has over a foot of snow. Yet, the game goes on. Couple of weekends ago was Super Bowl Sunday, Colts versus the Saints. I wore my Manning jersey. Colts lost. Yet, I wasn’t too terribly upset. Just did not have my heart into it. There was no emotional connection. No mountain of joy. No valley of despair. It just . . .Eeeeh. No big deal.  New Years the same. Little over a month.

Earlier, I was at Barnes and Nobles reading about screenwriting and plot. It talked how good story lines had a simple story and strong conflict. It talked about a management of emotions. It talked about internal conflicts. Physical conflict. Conflicts with nature. Conflicts with Higher Ups, something mystical. I have all this.

Nancy Kerrigan, "Why Me!!!"

Did some self-analysis. I wondered why someone want to read my story. My blog. My stuff. Then it came to me. My story now is simple. I’m having questions of Faith. No, I haven’t found God, but I am considering life in the clergy. I am Father that is trying to re-connect with his estranged daughter of 16 year.  Strong emotion internal conflict. I am starting to lunch with her married mother. I am struggling with Congestive Heart Failure and Diabetes. I have been on subconscious, self-imposed exile from my past and I am trying to make amends with former friends. Some victories. Some disappointments. Yet, I go on.

In This Life Time. . .Or the Next

I have major and minor players to my story. Elaine for one. Brian for another. Tammy, Corinna, Lisa, Bobby and Randy. There is an occasional walk-on. Don’t know if I will share all of me. I will tell most of my story. I am struggling to uncover my Father’s past. I am learning about my Father’s sister, my father dead son (my step-brother), my many, many cousins. Many mysteries are ready to be revealed. I will do my best to let you in. I hope my journey will help some. I hope my struggles will help deal with your own.

At times, it feels like I am writing in the dark. Don’t know whether you like or hate what I write. Don’t know if I care. I’m lying. I do care what you think. If you like, you keep reading and post a comment. If not, you will post a comment and still keep reading.  My journey is your journey. The struggle I face is just darkness.  Darkness is simply absence of light. I hope that I can shed some in my journey of writing. Hope you will share your opinion and add some sunshine on m journey.

You Light Up My Life, Debbie Boone

My blog is about the hero’s journey. It’s your journey, too. It’s all of ours. This blog will undoubtedly uncover some personal issues because it is the nature of writing. Free Associating, Roscharch inkblots, writing this blog will reveal my hopes, my fears, my issues, my life. It’s simply my unconscious percolating to the top. I’ll do my best to stay on topic. Let this be a foreshadowing of struggles to come.

Its still dark outside. Automatic door closes. A winter breeze gusts in.  It will be dark for a few hours. Baby is now laughing, though. I hear a little sister complaining. Someone’s shouting “Poopie and it stinks.” I hear more giggling. They changed the channel. I hear the Olympics Theme song in the background. Sunset happened a few minutes ago. It will be dark for awhile. Feeling warmer. Heater is kicking in. The sun will rise. Sliding door opens again. I hear the more laughter and I smile. My eyes widen. Receptionist says, “Yes. We’re hiring for the new Palmdale Hospital.”