Epigram

Criticism: Some people love you, some people don’t. 

Fire Me Up, Don't Burn Me Down

It’s easy to tear something down. To take down brick by brick the works of others. Sometimes this is needed. That is all some can do. Tear things down. No skills to build, just to demolish. Perhaps, criticism is well-founded. Perhaps, the ones that criticize have been there and done that. 

Talk So Much, But Not Saying A Thing
More often than not, the ones that are harshest and have the most sting are the ones that have been hurt the most. A defense tactic learned early to protect this hurt child. Criticizers and talking heads attack because an over-abundance of anger and hate.  Negative critics remind me of CNN or Fox "so-called-experts." Wrong with this. Wrong with that. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing of substance these bobble head speak. Their tirades are. . .uninspired.

Void Needs Filling. Don't Be A Soul Assassin

They grab and attack others energies to boost their own waning supplies. Can’t create this positive energy themselves, so they prey on others. Looking for a weakness. Looking for an opening. Looking for something that is missing. They find it. They always find something missing. Trouble is they can't fill themselves. There is a hole in their heart. There is a hole in their soul. They are spilling bile because inside gangrene festers.Before criticizing ask this, What will you leave in the world?

To the critics, I am reminded by Orlando Bloom, Kingdom of Heaven, quote “What is a Man Who Does Not Make the World Better Place.”

Value In Everything

When the words of angry detractors pollute my prana. I try to find the message. At times, there is difficulty. Difficulty in decoding the message. There is anger and hurt. Difficulty in the message because the messenger may not have command of the words to communicate their meaning. Difficulty in the message because we have personal blocks that don’t allow us to hear the true meaning. There is a message. May take some time, to uncover the noise. But the feedback is valued. Learned a new word, Epigram. Thank you. Your other stuff, still working on it. Will give the attention its due

Let Them Cry

If a person is taking the time to retort, give feedback, criticize, than that is okay. He cared enough to write. He cared enough to read more. He cared enough to share. Sometimes the display of affection is misguided and looks like graffiti.

Guess, I would be more upset if one didn't care. From the feedback read, one must care a lot. Touching an exposed nerve can be uncomfortable. Guess, one has to take a punch at times. At this time I say, "Ouch." Just don't see the world in those angry eyes. Just garbage.

Negative criticism--I liken it to a baby crying. He cries because he needs attention. He cries because he hungers for something missing. He cries because he is having a tizzy fit. To this, let them cry. In time, his sobs will abate. He will discover other ways to communicate. Negative criticizers will grow up. It's still taking me time for me to grow up, too.

Analogy Rant: ON

So when the noise gets too loud, turn down the volume. If the ugly words graffiti-ize your space, then paint over it. Raise the rent because the space in your head is too valuable. Talking heads are bargaining for a discount because they can’t pay. The bee stings cause anaphylactic shock, then take the epi and move on. One will be short of breath. One's throat will be constricted. However, take meds. One's respiratory rate will return. One's heart will go back to normal. Understand it and move. If one doesn’t understand, get some space. Get some distance. Move on. Look at the bigger picture. This bombardment of pathogens is constant. An immunity will be built. Angry words will bounce off thickened skin. The WBCs will phagocitize this alien body. The kidneys and bowels will just excrete this out. 

Let Go. Go with God

Much props to the ones that have gone before us. We should memorialize those that have made us stronger and better. To the talking heads and angry criticizers, I forgive because at times it make us stronger and better. I understand that is all one can do is tear down. Sorry. Everyone needs to be loved. Just some are harder to love than others.

Avenue N and Sierra Highway

You Remind Me of A Girl I Once Knew. . .
First time was with Chelle. It was a place where we parked. Sunroof open, heater on. Desert Sky. We sat in the dark, listened to the music and enjoyed the night.

We would sit and watch stars. Planes would take off and land. Started going all the time. Middle of the day. Late at night. Early morning. Cars would just park. Then by I'd go myself. (Its better with company) Don’t know why others would go. The reason I went, besides parking with Chelle, was because it had good energy here.

Smoke Rising. . .
This place was uplifting. People coming home. People taking off. Reminded me of landing at LAX from Boston, to see Mom and Dad. It was where journey began. It was where the journey ended. It was a place where dreams would sail to the sky.

It is said when one lights an incense candle, one should put their hopes and dreams on the rising smoke. One does this so that your dreams and wishes can be sent to heaven to be answered. Maybe that is why I sit there? To be inspired. Its a place where I can see dreams take off. Its my place to watch the sunrise. A place for having my G-time. A place to watch the planes touch down and take off. A place to watch the trains go by. Its a place of  change. A place where the journey begins.

Palmdale's Ark
Always felt comfortable in this place of change. It’s the place of excitement. It was the place of blending. It was place of discovery, a place where dreams can take off and become true. After sitting there a few times, started noticing the surroundings. One thing is the boat. One thing is the flag. One things is the plaque. All these things are just something one would not expect in the middle of the desert, but there they are.

Mojave Cross, A Place to Be Honored
Recently, the Supreme Court ruled that it was okay for the Mojave Cross be left alone. Mojave Cross--CSM article There was some court rulings that wanted the removal of the Mojave Cross. It was  placed on Federal grounds,some seventy years ago and due to the separation of church and state belief, people were fighting to have it removed. I understand reasoning why people want it removed. I understand reasoning why people don’t want it removed. Some people just don’t want such religious beliefs to be broadcasted out the universe. Some do.

Graffiti, A Cry To Be Remembered
Not comparing the Mojave Cross, with graffiti. Well, maybe, I am. It is symbolism. It is an act of recognition. It is an act to be remembered. Sometimes the means and methods can misguided.

At times, graffiti  is ugly and does not belong. Don’t necessarily think all graffiti is bad. Grafitti thoughts Call me strange. Some works are just plain beautiful. They say that art is a reflection of a society. Sometimes society is ugly.

When I see graffiti, I try to see the meaning behind it. When I see graffiti on walls, train sections, bridges, signs, I feel somewhat sad. Some say it's a mark of territory. To me, it is just a person wish to remembered. Their best option was a late night, adrenalin filled moment of temporary immortality. Instead of bringing fame, it brings infamy. They don’t care that generally society sees this as ugly. Perhaps it is a defiant call, saying "I am me and I cry out my existence."This I admire, but there other avenues.

Their Goodness Does Not Perish. . .
These undirected cries of individuality is understandable. I believe most of us don’t want to be forgotten.

I don’t know who this BJ person is, but I read an article sometime back in the Valley Press. Pretty lengthy article of this devoted person that would be at the spot, my spot, our spot doing the same thing I was doing. Just watching, parking, be inspired, I don't know. He loved this place so. He loved this place so much that some friends and family made a plaque for this him.

When visiting the cemetery to see Rochelle, Marvin, Tatay, and Mary.  I remember good moments. I remember the love. . .The Love. Their lives are a remembrance of a life lived. A moment where we shared something beautiful. Something meaningful. Something . . .It’s just love.

So when I think of the Mojave Cross, when I think of the plaque, when I write a blog post, I think that I, too, want to be remembered (Hopefully fondly). Maybe its my cry for temporary immortality.When I look at these everything I see the importance of how everything counts. Perhaps instinctively, we know there shall be an end. In time. In history, we would liked to be remembered.  Perhaps, we know, things get erased. Things return to the stardust from which we all came from. 

Let Go, Let God
So enjoy your journey. Create the pleasant memories. Some may try paint mental and emotional graffiti on your art. It happens. So to those that matter--that truly matter-- they will remember the good that you brought in the world. For those that write ugly words, just paint over it. Their view of Love and Life are already warped. They hurt. That is all that they can share with the Universe. In time, they will grow out of childish things. So leave them to find their way. When they grow up, keep your arms and hearts open. In the meantime, Move on. Your ship is sailing and you don't know where it will land. It may be on Sierra Highway and Avenue N.

Life happens so make Life Happen.

Sleepless night again

Late night. Can't sleep again. Two in the morning and I lie in bed watching a Ben Franklin biography. Can't watch this either. Reruns of the Laker game is on. Rerun of Voyager Star Trek is on. Rerun of X-Files is on. All formerly acceptable. Now no longer. Its late and I need to wake soon. Not the least bit tired and I am practically written out. There's stuff to do and none too appealing. So here I write. My blog. Haven't written as staunchly as before. My creative juices have gone to other endeavors. Will makeup this adventure sometime soon. Preferably before the end of the month. A daunting task, but one that needs to be done. For my peace of mind. I doubt this insomnia is due solely on blog behindedness (not a word, but I will take creative license). Its not that I have not been journalizing as diligently. Its not because my daily vigil to the gym and to church has found me absent. Its all these things combined.

Events and life is not where I'd like. Events are not where they should be. So here I write, in the middle of the night. My writes aren't so tight. I feel like taking flight. That right tonight. My nightly awakes are driving me to ponder. Past yonder. Maybe I need to catch a flic. Maybe I need to recharge my batteries with a stroll on the beach. Maybe I need to make peace.

I know what it is. It is not that I'm right. Out sync I be. Hiding awake. Riding asleep. I will not post this segment on FB. For those that read will just know. Sports TV Bloopers will need to be my sleeping pill. A light heart may need to be my medicine. Number 22.  Ouch. A runaway sled nails a reporter. Number 21. Mic in the nose. Number 12: Cannon firing. reporter has heart attack. Number 11: Bruce  something, the football player, faints on air. Okay, time to go.

Got to find another way to fall asleep.

Late night observations: Can't fall asleep

Nose is stuffed up. My chin is on some toilet paper writing. ESPN is on. Pau Gasol is giving an interview. Windows is open. Not hot. Not cold. Nice. A dog is barking in the distance. Desert air is nice. I hear the cars drive by at the distance. Tried to sleep early and I did. Just work up early and can’t get to sleep. Played on Facebook for a bit, but it doesn’t hold the same interest as before. 

I read on my family’s post and I see a life lived. I also read on post, many people that play games. Haven’t accepted some game invitation in case of nights like these. Almost a 100 gifts I haven’t accepted. Guess, when I hit the century mark than I will accept them.

Just saw a photo album with my cousin. A beautiful lady with wonderful children. She ventures to places I’ve been and wanting to go. Just saw the poppy fields photos. She went to the Grove. She also was in my old haunts of time long ago. The tar pits. A true spirit.

Fell off the wagon with working out. Haven’t been praying as much as before. Don’t know if its Gremlins. Don’t know if its laziness. Don’t know if it is my Nike sensor not working. Don’t know if it this cold I have been feeling. Just been out of synch for a bit. Its been a couple of weeks and I’m just not in tune. Not hitting on all cylinders. Went to get my echo and from what I heard is that my EF% has been pretty dramatic. In other words, it was around the teens before. Ejection fraction for my heart was so low that I was considered to be put on a heart donor list. Its almost in the 60’s now.

This is something to be very proud of. Yet, not feeling all that good. It feels like I am missing much and just existing. Someone wrote me that they like the fact that I love my family so. I do. Whole heartedly. My heart is getting bigger and stronger. 

Dog barks are getting louder. More cars are driving by. Its almost morning soon. Just a couple of hours. Been writing more often. Less on my blog, more on other things. So why haven’t I written as much. Maybe it’s more quality than quantity. Been walking in more events. Finally finished my Mediation course this last weekend. Hooked up with an old family friend. Maybe I need an attunement? Maybe I don’t know. 

Chris is getting married to Jewel in three weeks. RC is leaving for the PI. Haven’t talked to Jay and the pool is not heated. Nose is stuffed. Used toilet paper snot rags litter on my floor. Can’t seem to break this cold.

Watched Iron Man DVD. Watched Speechless. Watched Punchline. Went to library and got the VCR working. whoah. That is going old school. Some of the movies there are ones I don't see on dvd. Life has been active, but I think its time to cocoon. I am grateful for all that has been given. I am grateful for all that has been accomplished. I am grateful for all the family and friends there. I am grateful for everything. Yet, why do I feel unsatisfied? 

Moon is almost full. Cars still are racing by. They call this the time of the wolf. Time when its not quite dawn and the dark of the night is upon us. I’m sure there are some foxes or wolves outside. Had a dog come to the house and I did not feed him. Tried to give him some pineapple, but he just stayed. Why was I more apt to give a dog some food versus giving a person from AM/PM some change? What is wrong with me?

Been out of synch and not in tune. The way things were done in the past is not working. It is time to do something different. I believe in Higher Up. I believe that there is a purpose and bigger plan. I believe that the path I am on will lead me to where I need to go. I don’t know. Guess, just out of synch. Just of tune.

No the moon is full. Just got a better look. More dogs are barking and howling outside. Something is happening to make them howl so. Can’t get to sleep and my nose is still stuffed.Guess, its time to clean the floor.

Saying Goodbyes and Cloudy Skies

I'm depressed.

Learned my cousins and his family LA will be leaving for the PI. We lived together in North Hollywood for a time. Now, he and his family are moving on. My other cousin Chris left for the Arizona and will marry next month to Jewel. My niece said she saw my ex-girlfriend at a dance recital. Looked her on Facebook to find out she was very pregnant. Ended my run at Business Licensing and will start a new adventure some where else.

Sunsets. . .
It's sunset time. It happens. Still is sad. Life is moving on, as it should. Right now, I just don't want the inevitable. A new dawn will come again. Yes, I know the door opening and door closing thing. Yet, nostalgia is hitting me. Can't turn back the clock. Nor would I want to. Seems like a lot of things has been closing lately. Not too many doors opening of late.

Sometimes You Feel Like You Are Up Against It
Usually, I don't feel lonely. There is much company out there. Since last night, the loneliness birds have been flying overhead. Couldn't sleep again last night. Don't know whether its my sore throat and I'm just feeling sick. Don't know if it has been a change in workout routine. Don't know if its the cloudy skies overhead, but I am feeling lonely. With so many family and friends around, I can't understand where all this loneliness is coming from. Not true. I understand where it is coming from. It's family. Part of my family's family is leaving.

Times Remembered. . .
RC, I am happy for you and yours and wish you the best on your adventure to come. Knowing that I could always drive by and say, "Hi" was always comforting to me. It was one of those things that I could always do. Going on a Pink's and Krispy Kreme run. Going on a midnight drive to wherever. Just knowing that my tatay's family was around. Things were okay. No matter whatever happened, things will be okay.

Why?
Maybe that is it. Tatay and Rochelle. Big parts of my life. Tatay and Nanay were there when Mom and Dad were gone to work. Rochelle was there when my attitude for life changed. Mitchell was born when I left for Boston. You were there when my car was stolen. Of course, there are the other cousins and I love them dearly its just I don't want any one to go.

Live Like You Are Dying
We don't have the same family parties like before. Its been some time since we had. Watching the Fonacier clan was. . .comforting. . .connecting. The Aunt's and Uncles. The Cousins. The Everything. It was Family. Pancit, rice, olumpia. Basketball. Pan Pacific Park. Everyone has moved on as they should. Their family have made their own families. They go to their own families party. Once in awhile, I attend these events. More often than before. However, I feel like a tourist. These little ones don't have the same childhood memories. Don't have the same common bond as these new people in my life. They don't have the common times that bind. No, shared child memories.

Mitchell, Family Matters
It has been important for me to visit Tatay and Rochelle. More and more everyday. It's important to see my cousins. It's important to see my aunts and uncles. It has been important for me to connect with Emily. It has been important for me to be around and enjoy family. Knowing that you are going soon, it is bothering me more than I want to let on. My sister-in-law's sister is having her today. They induced last night. I will go visit after my echo, (sorry, echocardiogram) just to say hello to the new baby. She will be a beautiful baby I am sure of it.

I understand why they are going. It's the smart thing to do. Sure we do not hang out much anymore, we don't do much anymore. It is just the one of the few . . . never mind. Anyways.

I am very happy for you and yours on this new adventure. I am very sad that you are going on this adventure. Wish it was just a temporary thing, but I do not foresee you coming back. Nor, do I see me going there. Life happens and if things are meant to be they will be. It would be selfish for me to say, "Don't go." It would be selfish for me to say, "Stay Here." It would be short-sighted for to say, "Stop."

So this what I will say, "Don't go. Stay Here. Stop."

I am being selfish. Sue me.

Relay for Life: A Relay for Rochelle

Before the Battle Begins
7 am in the morning. Sunroof open. Early sun heating up the desert air. Cars speed by as the day begins. Sitting in the parking lot of Quartz Hill High School. Sounds of commotion is behind me. People with tents and lawn chairs walk into the stadium. Men, women and children wear red and purple handkerchiefs on their shaved heads.  Like new inductee in the Marines, these have happy smiles and serious tone in their walk. Like viking warriors of Valhalla partying the night before the Ragnarok, there is a joy and sense of purpose. 

Its the home for Relay for Life. An all-day and all-night event for those stricken with Cancer. Events start at 9 am Saturday and runs til 9 am the next day. Lots of events are occurring around town. Graffiti Clean up in Palmdale Ponctilan Square. Arbor Day in Santa Clarita. Lakers versus the Thunder playoff game starts today. Where to begin?

Why We Fight?
For me it's easy. Starts with Rochelle. She suffered from cancer some many years ago and being here is what matters. Need to thank her in a special way for effecting my life. Her passing gave me the courage to do things that I was afraid to do. Ask that girl out. Run for an office. Go to Boston leaving family and friends.

Life Ends. Another Begins
Her death gave me life. Never looked back on too many things because her cancer-stricken made me really enjoy life. Being in the hospital in her last few days. Finding an empty room in Cedar Sinai and just crashing on the bed. Hearing her mother cry. It is something I will never forget.

Before, Death used to be something to be feared and angry about. Now, it is just a fact. Death is Life. For some, the tragedy of have a life expired in their prime, it brings sadness. Listening to family sob so deeply. Watching people eyes redden. Don't know anybody that hasn't somebody touched by the Black End. Rochelle and Angels on Earth



Today is a commemoration to all those that faced Cancer and lost. Today is celebration for all those that battle and won. Today is gathering for all those that still struggle on. You want to know about a Hero's Quest. Come to the Relay for Life today. You will see heroes. They are your friends. They your family. They are you.

I said before that I wanted to see really heroes. I wanted to see real life Angels. Well, today is that day. If you want to see them, come to Avenue M and 60th Street West at Quartz Hill High School 9 am April 17 to 9 am April 18, 2010. Relay for Life 2010: Antelope Valley

I hear Heimdall's horn. Time to suit up. HUAA.

Biolophilliacs Means Connection

Been busy last couple of days. Been writing, too.  Just haven’t posted yet. Will by later on tonight so sorry for the flood of posts. Where to begin? No one showed for the morning walk today. Missed them yesterday. Went for the walk myself. Did a walk run routine. Light to light, alternating between walking and running. It felt good. Been some time. My ipod sensor is not working and just haven’t spent the time worrying about it

Morning mass was good. Been too long since going in the morning. Not too many times last week as I would have liked, but life stuff happens. Its Easter now. From the flyer, it is from now until May 23. A time of renewal. Sitting in front of Palmdale Square, by the chamber and Aero institute. Can hear the birds chirping and the fountain flowing. Sunroof is open and the sun is warming my face.

Haven’t seen the other cousins lately. Hope they are doing well. Michelle and Bobby are always good and positive. Love looking at their pictures. Very vibrant. Pia don’t know so much, but she seems to live an exciting life. Dodger Opening Day today. Randy, very debonair. Needs help with fundraiser. Mike jiujitsuing. Leilani is interning, studying and being mom. Jason is probably studying.

Bri's got the mohawk action going on. He's rolling. Saw "Searching for Bobby Fisher" and I thought of him Raman, Ramsin, and Uncle Kidog. My chess crew. Something about slamming on the time clock is very. . . ass-kicking.  Rod, Shena, and the kids always have food and shopping. Ron’s tatting and "kutting har". Vince and Chris (don’t know about Eddie) are always whooping ass. Russ and Gem are marrying next month before he deploys. Kim/ Mitch/Audrey don't post too much. Shiela/ Jon are smart. Rarely on from what I gather. Jon, Jill, and Joanne are studying, living, and being a mom. Still learning about Melissa, Mason, Vickie, Jennifer, Bambi, Biranna, Mike, Glenna, Anthony, Maria, Roselyn, and others. Minnie is China, I think.

Who am I missing? Of course, Kev, Luz, and kids. Always with me, never away. I like to keep something’s private, but I love them more than words can say. They are my heart. No, most of my heart. Missing a big part. Anyways, love fills me.

Still learning more about my Dad’s side. Lots have been helping. Roselyn, Maria, Mary, Michelle, Bobby, and everyone. My heart is getting bigger with all this new love and family. Can’t take the place of my missing, but it has opened new places I never known.

Learned briefly while sitting on some porcelain. Read a newsletter from the LA Zoo. The term is Biophille. Basically it say there is an instinctive bond between people and nature. It literally means love of Life. People instinctively go to gardening, hiking, connecting. Biophilia describes "the connections that human beings subconsciously seek with the rest of life. Gotta give credit Edward Wilson for proposing this theory. Just learned I am Biophilliac.

Been going from place learning and exploring connections. Seeing the glory of things all around. In a baseball game. Standing at the start of the MS Walk. On top of vista in the California Poppy Fields. On the drive to Solvang, watching the Sana Ynez River and Chumaca Lake. Sitting at the Chumash Reservation (taking a picture of that tree). In the bad service at Red Viking. In the hello of the Greek food manager. At the front of my car. So much life. So much sun. Eric Fromm called it the psychological orientation. Priest call it the glory of . . . To me its all beautiful.

Maybe, I am compensating for something. Maybe, my eyes got softer. Maybe, its everythings’ everything. If this is an addiction, I really don’t want it to stop. Perhaps, it’s the Flow. It’s Maslow’s self-actualized stage. Feeling a part and an impactor in things I am in and doing. I am just making up new words now. Guess, I am following my maternal instincts of creating. Whatever it is, let it be.

As-Salamu Alaykum. Peace Be With You. Go With God. Have Faith. Trust In the Universe. Good thoughts, good vibrations. Big Smile. With this, I must go be a biophilliac. 

Juices Runs Dry

Monday. Been a busy day. Didn’t go for walk this morning. I gots to pay this week. Just didn’t feel like a walk this morning. Not usually how I’d like to start a week, but it is what is. Decided to stay in bed instead.

Missed morning mass. Stayed awake until two in the morning. Didn’t know what it was I just stayed awake. Eventually fell asleep. Getting up three hours later to walk, wasn’t going to happen. Been feeling nervous and anxious of late. Had a busy day yesterday, but still unsatisfied. Got other posts done, but nothing I put up yet. It’s in the hopper.  Looks like went over my internet usage for this month. Tomorrow my cycle starts again.

Guess, I could go over, or I could do a stint at Barnes and Noble. May be just the thing I need to get the juices flowing. 

In the lab, got to catch a flic. Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. Cute movie. Not something I would watch lately, but a nice happy feel. Nice adventure on some island. Beautiful sea. Good company. Mission to save a marriage and enjoy themselves. Good formula for feel good. It worked for me today.

So where will this day lead? Much stuff to do. Just not in the mood to do them. Perhaps, today will just be about picture. They say one is worth is a thousand words. Since I have none now, I will my digital camera do all the talking for this post.