Sunday, March 28, 2010

Outside Looking. . .

Inside my heart is heavy.
Inside my soul feels empty.
Inside my eyes are crying.
Inside I know there’s lying.
Inside I wish for change.
Inside I ride the range.
Inside there is an inside.

Inside, I ride this wave.
Inside I hope Faith will find me.
Inside my divides still widen.
Inside Hope envelopes me.
Inside my Heart still mends me.
Inside this pain will end me
Inside I will win this race.
Inside there’s no disgrace.

Inside reveals its face.
Inside there’s always change.
Inside there is death besides me.
Inside there is a birth that chides me.
Inside there is a pace.
Inside there’s a brace for pace.

Inside my fence will mend.
Inside I will press "Send."
Inside I’ll find my pace.
Inside I’ll erase this space.

Inside I will win this race.
Inside my race’s my pace.
Inside. . .

Kettle Whistles

Where to start? Lagging on the internet connection. Sitting in the Barnes. Two ladies sit across from me. Grey and purple hair. Other, purple top. Perusing Glamour. Other is vegetable souping it. Purple nails. Other has light blue and pink nails altering digits. Listening to Sting’s Sacred Love. Going for the rip. Its late and there’s much I’d like to do. 15 miles of cardio. Swim a bit. Its 8:40 pm. Haven’t ate yet and I know what if I can. Plan to do the morning walks with the inlaw ladies. Also want to head to morning mass. Need to LCH lab it tomorrow.

Last few days there’s been percolating. Working on some writing assignments. Working on Collaging. Work on the journey. It’s a trying time now. Got de-friended. My heart dropped. Got the “Suck.” My energy, part of my soul went empty. Realization that what I feared came to realization. Yes, I believe that this too shall pass yet my heart aches none the less. Pain. No not a throbbing pain. But a loss.

First time in Palm Sunday Mass. The word UNANSWERED kept coming to my. Feeling Abandoned. Guess, this how the Big Smile feels when we don’t answer the call. In my Facebook Bible Scriptures application, it said, “As Jesus has suffered, you shall also suffer.” It was Phillipians or Ephesians. . .”it had a PH something.

So what does it all mean. It means that I have to have Faith. If I am to be Faithful, Full of Faith. I must believe that a brighter day is around the corner. I know this in my mind. I feel that my heart knows this, but it still sucks. Bigger picture is going on and I am too small right now to see the Panorama. I am stuck on the teenie minutia of it all.

I have Faith. I do. Lots of it. Right now, it still has not encompassed. I feel the Suck. It’s the time before I open my eyes from the pleasant dream to beauty of a new day, a new dawn. I know its there. Just the crusties are thick this time. I believe that I am not given anything I cannot handle. I believe that at times I need to ask for Help. I know. Just the build up before the actual act is . . .percolating. 

Well, I leave at this. Percolating. The kettle will whistle. I promise. . .Have Faith.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Little Sleep: Gremlins Playgrounds

Gremlins again.
Things have been. . .Gremlins have been having a go today. It is what it is and I will just Smile. They don’t like that. F-k them.
Okay.  Things could have been better at times. Lot better. That is okay. Where shall I start, I will start by not giving it any mind. The rent for the precious space in my head has gone up. Today, these Gremlins are bargaining like some Desert Bazaar Merchant. They are trying my nerves. Yet, I recognize the game with each deep breath that I take away their power.
Okay, their power is waning and I am beginning to see the bigger picture. That lack of oxygen was effecting my vision. Started blacking out and got the tunnel-vision action.

Okay. Left LCH earlier today so I can ready myself for the Center. Had to get home and do some paperwork before I made my tour around. Wanted to shower and shave before I did my thing, but looking back. . .
. . .the late night collaging was effecting my normal coping skills, which at times, can be Extraordinary. I don’t like to brag. Well, not too much. Okay, I can be the most patient, MOFO. Today, the 2 hrs of sleep and the early morning walk and the stress of the events of the day, well, it could have turned out much differently, but my body tiredness was affected my mind wakefulness. Got irritated at stupid stuff. Missed on some good opportunities. Irritation meter on high. Well, long story short: Need Sleep. Yes, sleep is what I need.

In the LCH cafeteria, I got the Bobble head. I closed my eyes for a second and poof. Ten minutes disappeared. Eyelids went flaccid and time stopped. Felt the blackberry slip before it crashed to the tray and table. When I shut my eyes  it was 9:40. Opened a second later. It was 9:50 am. What the heck?!!!
Oh, oh. The Bobbles are getting stronger. The lion yawn—oops. Boy, I am tired. May need to camp in the Civic in a second. I am making bush league mistakes and my Flow is constipated. Its got the back ups. Body is going titanic. It’s fighting between staying awake and contracted. Trying to press the buttons, but. . .they are. . .ge. . .tt. . .in. . .g slower.

Trouble. That was the sleepy breath. The Lions yawn.
Somethin. . .gs is hap. . .pen. ..in. . g. The earth’s gravitational p. . .ull is expo. . .nen. . .tia. . .l . . .le Str. . .ahhhhh. . .ngr
Get. . .tun h. . .eh veee. . .r.
. . .The BoBbl. . .Hed.
l . . .r GEEE Sn. . .orE>
. . .


Gremlin Smile. They have the mimic ability. Sometimes its a gremlin. Sometimes its doppleganger Yoda. Sometimes its Kung Fu Panda

(((Unconscious Mind))) You have one this battle Gremlin, But you will not win the war.
l . . .r G Sn. . .orE>
. . .
l . . .r Gee Sn. . .orE>
Gremlin laughs.
. . .
. . .r Geeeee Sn. . .orE>
. . .
l . . .r G Sn. . .orE>
. . . 

Monday, March 22, 2010

Another Starbuck Moment. . .

She’s playing with her hair. Hand to her forehead. Deep in reading. Her right hand holds her textbook tight, readying to turn the page. Starbuck Grande sits in front of her. Has the nice brown skirt to make it holdable. Dasani is to her left, my right. Asian, hair in a pony tail. Has slight pudge. Wearing jean shorts and a black tee. Form-fitting, tee. Korean, maybe? Chinese? I’m betting Korean. Her eyes are plucked. Her tee has some 80’s neon thing going on. She’s studying something with small writing. Her eyes blinks here and there. Pony tail is atop her head.

She leans back. Her neck aches. I know this ache. It comes from keeping your head down for what seems like hours, committing some odd factoid to memory. It seems vital at the moment. Import, like some highly-classified secret, that will save the world. Don't have the heart to tell her it's not that important. Her right hand is to her mouth. Picking at her teeth. Her right arm covers the right page as she leans forward keeping some meaningless factoid into memory. Maybe she'll use it in some scenario for the future. She has a look of Nursing student, but I don’t think that’s it. Textbooks are usually larger and usually, there is a group. Med student. Perhaps, she is an MBA? I don’t get that tough feel about her. Probably Business major, marketing or some management science degree. Accounting, hmmm. Possibly this.

CSUN, perhaps? Not an AVC feel.She looks to old. Too serious. I can feel that Model Minority pressure. Her parents must be made proud to have her daughter get that perfect job that will find her the right man. I heard this talk all the time from many of the Asian parties I've attended.

The table to my right are high school students. I hear talk about being accepted to UC Davis and Santa Clara, but get denied to UCLA. University of Caucasians Lost in Asians. He’s Mexican. The other two are Asian, I think. Femmes. Mixed. I hear, ". . .1920. . ." This is the SAT score, I bet. There are talks of friend getting and not getting in. One says her sister doesn’t like the school she's at. UC Riverside. I could told her that. It smells there. I think it's either the cows or the factory smell.

Ladies in front of me are of different ilk. One is perusing US Magazine. Some celebrity mag and beauty makeover rag. Wannabe Fashionistas. I see “Skin sense” on the page she is reading There's model with blue eyeliner on the cover showing a surprised look. The girl to her left, my left, too. She’s reviewing the table of contents. She’s deep in thought. "How to cut calories. . ." Girls are 14 or 15.

Oh, oh. Pony-tail man with taupe “Members Only” jacket is back. He’s eyeing his seat. An Argentinean man is sitting in his chair.  He’s got a red book to his left, my right. He’s deeply engaged reading some Spanish book. It has 2012. They say civilization is going to end at that time, according to Mayan Prophecy. Even made a movie with John Cusack  about this very tale. Little does he know that he’s getting eyeballed by the members only guy. His 2012 is coming sooner than he knows. I snicker.

Gosh, the high schooler has the same look as the Asian business student. Can’t hear what she is saying, but she talks when she reads. I see her lips move. She looking at all the charts of the Diet books she’s reading. She’s sophomore or a junior. That is a stretch. Table next to me, the college rejects, are juniors and seniors. There conversations are of futures to come and the ideal life of ruling the world and great programs. They speak of the Anderson and Pre-law programs. Anderson the graduate program at UCLA. 

Back to Wanna-be model's table. Rounded back, small chest and big belly. Her tank top is trying to accentuate her who-hoss.  Not really working. Her rimmed glasses hide her manicured face. Full lips and her pink Sidekick sits on her white, giant bag. She flips through the diet book trying to commit these health factoids to memory in the short 20 minutes she's here. I want to grab her and tell her, stop eating the Snickers in your hand and work out. Don't need a damn book to figure this out. Physical beauty is temporary. Oh, well. Big Belly here she comes.

Asian business student gets up and leaves. She takes her bag. Betting it’s a potty break. Her slippers flip and flop when she walks. She hurries. Must be a potty break. I saw her outside smoking up a chimney. She is a business student. Would bet money. They are always under stressed. Networking here and there. 

Reminds me of the people at SMG at BU. Sex, Money, and Greed--we used to call it at BU. BU stands for Boston University, not Baylor. It was USC East. University of Spoiled Children. BU had SMG. SMG stood for the School of Management. There was CLA. College of Liberal Arts, aka, College of Lost Ambitions. There was SFA. School of Fine Arts. Aka School of Fucking Asses. There was CBS. College of Basic Studies. Basically, it was a Junior College for those that wanted to pay $40,000 per year for tuition. I mean it was called College of Basic Studies. I used to call it Charlie Brown School. I stopped. I like Lucy and Woodstock. 

The African Triad are concerned about the looks. I got the BSU feel at AVC. Its like FASA at CSUN. FASA is Filipino American Student Association. She pulls out an orange, smelling lotion. Bed, Bath & Beyond. She lotions her hands and forearms. Her friend to her left. Not the same one as before. She’s facing me. Blocked by the girl who’s back to me. She wears no glasses, like the other two. She has magenta highlights to the side of her face. She’s wearing a black sweater. She plays with her hair. Purple tip nails click clack on her book. It’s annoying. I can’t hear it I know its annoying. The UCLA rejects keeps looking her way. Throw something at her, its annoying and I can't hear her. Maybe its the magenta highlights. Bulls have that same reaction when you wave a red cape in front of them.


Asian girls is back. She peed. No, I wouldn’t know that. You can tell when a guy pees. Sometimes when they leave the bathroom they got the dribbles at the front of their pants. If they don’t do the tinkle, or give it the shakes, there tends to be an overflow. Older men call it the  the drips. I just laugh. I wipe just in case I don’t notice. It’s funny.

Member’s Only man is sitting in the chair behind the Argentinean man who is sitting in his table. It’s his table. I am psychic. I feel his thoughts and they are just screaming, "Get out of my table." Little does he know. Wait. It worked. Argentinian man got and left. Members Only is still deep in Psionic attack mode. He hasn’t noticed his table is free. People must block all distractions and must be in their safe place/ I will give him a minute. 

Nope. He's not psychic concentrations. He's working on his check book. Same body language, Psychic Attack and working on check book.  I see pen in hand and the flip of the check book. Enough of this. I best be going.

Goodbye, Korean Business student. Goodbye High School students concerned with weight and fashion. Goodbye UCLA reject and Asian student buddies. Goodbye Members Only. Time to write something new.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Churches, Temples, and Marathons--Just Another Day At The Beach

Sunday and it’s a quarter til seven. Been a busy and filling day. I’m at Vista Point again. It’s getting dark. Cars are racing past again. Waiting for the sunset to come down. Going to say my prayers and thank the Big smile for letting me enjoy this day as I have. Been all around and it filled my day, but I sense there is something missing. 

Listening to the Corrs on my way up and down today. It’s been good day, but. . .

Events of the day. Went to Sunday Mass. The Father giving the Mass had the shakes. At one time, I thought he fell asleep. It was a bit hard to hear at times. He was soft-spoken or had the mic a little too far from his mouth. Picked the missal and read some of the songs and prayers. Think I figured out the Reiki Guide thing. It was Gabriel. He’s an Angel prominent in both Islam and Christianity. Left after the wine and bread thing. I am not sure what you call it.

After taking some pics, headed down to LA. Wanted to see part of the LA Marathon. It was kind of cool walking on Highland. All the streets were blocked off so I had free roam. Walking in the middle of the streets taking pictures here and there. Would never be able to do this at any other time of the day or any time of the year. Reminded me when my Integra stalled on the 170 and I had to get pushed by police car. They stopped the freeway for me during prime time rush hour. It sounded like the ocean stopped. It was so quiet. The silence was deafening.

Took pictures of the Church on Highland. Got the Lucky Strike. Also, took a few up and down Hollywood Blvd. Finally got some pictures of the Ripley’s Believe Or Not Dinosaur. Also took a few in the Egyptian and Mann’s Chines. Watched the water dance and took some pics of Elephants in the sky.

Called Jay to see if he was up for a bite, but he had a study date with a femme. Asked if Bri, Mike and the kids were at the house. They were. However, that voice that listen at times said the Beach and that where I went.

Got on Highland after picking up a sub. Almost got rear-ended by a guy in a truck. Didn’t speed up because he was honking his horn at me. Well, when you do that you are inviting me to be an asshole. I did not speed up as I was going to so, I just kept it at the other cars pace. Truck driver got pissed. Didn’t care. So he got in front of me and decided to slow down. I just smiled and let it go.

Well, off the  170 and got on the Ventura West. Thought of the many times of the Warner Center and LA Fitness. Thought about stopping by Fryes and taking some pics on the way back. Anyways, Got off Malibu Canyon and I was stopping off at most of the viewing stops and took the obligatory pictures. 

All of sudden I found myself at the Hindu temple. Made a quick left and went in. You had to take of your shoes and which I was much obliged. So I wandered around took some pictures of the temple. Beautiful artwork. There was saint or some religious figure in all corners of the temple. At times, people would go to each corner and I assume say a prayer. I wondered if they prayed on Sundays like Christians. Guess, I will have to look that up. There was a service and I walked in. No chairs. The holy man was chanting and people were sitting barefooted and socked. Incense was burning. 

There was a sign saying, “No Photos or Videos.” Thought this was strange. I’m curious to visit other temples. Synagogue and Muslim temple are next on the list.

I finally got to the Beach. Zuma that is. Its been some time. Thought about Brad and Shelly. Brad and I would take a trip here and there. I wondered how he was doing. I remember that Valentines when Shelly locked the key in the car. I was freezing because I had shorts. She got dressed before locking the keys in the car. My luck. Took more pictures of surfers and families enjoying the day. I download my Marathon and Hollywood walk pictures. Sorted out some postcards. I was going to write Shazam and Laines, but it started getting cold and I wanted to head back.

Stopped here at the 15 minutes park stops and took more photos of the Malibu Canyons. Driving through the Canyons I passed the Calabasas sign. Prece’s coach is moving here in a couple of years. Offered to move down here so Prece can train with her coach here. Another time. Another story. Eventually got on Ventura East. Driving past Topanga, Tarzana and Encino. I saw a sign for historical site at Encino. Never found it. Got on Ventura Blvd and said, its time to get back.

Drove by Sepulveda Park and I found myself at the Japanese Gardens. Didn’t have the chance to go, because it was blocked off. That was something I definitely would like to see. Some other adventure. At any rate, I found myself at the Archery Park wanting to string up and shoot a quiver. Saw couple of Filipinos there shooting. An older man and father with his son. I could tell by the speak. The older Filipino man was eyeing the Armenians or were they Russian?

Probably Armenians. They had the nice bows. Compound, camouflage. I could tell they were from the old school. Just the air about them. One of them let loose one by accident and took off. The older one scolded they younger. All I could hear was “. . .Safety. . .” Every so often, they would say, “Clear” and retrieve their arrows. Reminded me of pool. It’s good form not to Shark a shooter.

Well, I left after taking some pictures of the Archer shooting at the haystack. Passed the Cricket match and took a photo of the Sepulveda rock sign. Kids were all around. Kind of nice. Used to work in the area and I never took the time to drive by. Got on the freeway by getting on Roscoes. Passed my Tommies and the Budweiser Brewery. Got 405 and headed north. Took the Soledad Canyon offramp and pledged that I would go see the CatHouse.

Here I be now on Vista Point. Its dark and the sun has set. Got 30 minutes to do a couple of miles of cardio.  Have to get home soon to tape Life on Discovery. Maybe I can catch the Laker game too. Be well and Have Faith. No moral. No thought exercise. No meaning, except what you give it. It’s just a day in this journey.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sleepies, the Place In Between

Saturday—Heart has been heavy for a few days. Haven’t wanted to write. It’s just that the weight has been bringing me down. Depths that I rather not be. Feeling disconnected in many ways. I know the source for this emptiness, but am a bit helpless. It’s in another’s hands. Tried this and that, but alas rien. 

Don’t like to be in this place. But I have Hope. I have Faith things will turn around. Only can Pray and let another guide me where I need to be. Brother and his family left for the Magical Kingdom for the weekend. It’s niece Lynn’s Birthday. She’s ten. Couldn’t tell you how much I needed to be where family was last night. Practically ran out the door from Reiki class.

Trying to live more present. Trying to enjoy where I am. Yet, can’t help from being there and apart at the same time. In Vein of Gold meeting, felt disconnected there, too. Perhaps, it was because I missed the week prior. Perhaps, its because I don’t share much commonality with the matriarchs. Perhaps, it was the spread of the morose from the previous “Soul Loss.”

Read that Soul Loss in shaman-speak is an illness of dire order. Yeah, I feel an emptiness. Yeah, I feel less than. Yeah, I lack some feel in my feel. At times, it fills when I go to St. Mary’s. Yeah, it fills when I’m present in wherever I am. Yet, I felt like Luke in Dagobah planet with Master Yoda (Sorry, my nephew has gotten me the Spielberg Mode). It feels there is an anger and cloudiness, a morose. It is during Luke’s Jedi training, he get frustrated and distraught being it of the Force. When its Flows, it flows. Yet, after coming from a high, there is a bit of crashing. Not a welcome grounding, like when a cesna comes down from getting beat up by the high, high winds. It is more a thunderous thud.

Sitting here in Vista Point. I watch the sunrise. Overlooking Lake Palmdale, the cars behind me speed by. A White Dodge Caravan is parked next. The driver is bundled up in a nice, warm fuzzy blanket catching some ZZZZZ’s. It reminds me of Master Yoda sitting in his car seat. Partly awake, partly asleep. Being transported from the warm comfortable crib to be awaken in the early, early morning to the car seat to Ford Tundra.

Everyone is awake in the early morning darkness. Things are a buzz as the rest readies themselves for the journey ahead to meet Donald and Minnie. Going to California adventure. Master Yoda is still not awake due to late night of jumping on pillow bridges, escaping the dangers of toy monsters at his feet. The Dodge Caravan guy next has himself wrapped up warming up and waking up to new day to come. Not quite ready for the beautiful day to come. He’s has his head covered to the morning sun. I know this place. I like this place. This place enjoys of the heat circulating warmth under the blanket that is getting heated by the showering sun.

I know my emptiness, its all around. My heavy heart beats my weighted blood which circulates my morose. True, I understand this will not last. There is a brighter day to come. I can see it now. Yet, not quite ready to take on the day, this is morose and angst is just a lesson. It is the sleepies crusting my eyes closed. It’s the before I wake up from the warm wrapped blanket. The cars behind me speeding my telling me we are here. I feel the warmth of the morning sun underneath the oh-so cozy blanket telling me it’s time to wake up.

I know this moment before I wake up and get up and go. This is when I can still enjoy my sleep under the so warm blanket and wake up before the beauty of the day.  It’s the place before happy REM departs and the morning day begins. I am not fond of this in-between. Leaving a happy dream and waking up to a beautiful day. This is where my morose lives. This where the emptiness sucks. This is the time being nudged awake from good evening dream.

My eyes will open. I will say goodbye to my beautiful dream to meet the wonderful new day. I will wipe the morning crusties—my morning sleepies—from my eyes. I just not enjoy the moments that in the between. Ah, time to open my eye. Just let me finish my dream. I want to see how it ends.

Friar-dom?


Lynn said in a former life I was a monk. Or my Reiki guide is a monk. Without any prompting and before we broke, she said an image of a monk kept on coming to her. Earth mother said she thinking my special word for me was "Faith" before I said it to our reading group. During my drunken college days, I dressed up as a monk and woke up a with a 9 inch wooden cross (and aching jaw where someone I still don't know who hit me during a drunken Halloween stupor) I have still have priest outfit that I wore for last Halloween. 

 She said “45” kept her in head. Lynn was my Reiki Instructor. I think I understand the 45, but I will keep that one to myself. 

Won’t deny that I feel comfortable and at peace in church. I'll will admit that I felt a calling to the clergy. I'll admit there is book sitting next to me named “Everything Understanding Islam.” I'll admit that I made a promise one year to “Make My Soul Stronger.” Took a Philosophy as Religion and Bible at Literature class. I'll admit that there was a need to be Baptised again. I'll admit that Abbey in Valyermo felt like home. I'll admit that when Welford and Shazam balked about me being a priest that my natural instinct was to say, “No, you are wrong. Priestly vocation has been a part of me. This life or past life—it is part of who I am.”

Recently learned my Uncle Mike was accepted to a most prestigious seminary school in the Philippines. Learned one of my Fonacier relatives is a priest too. Maybe its in the blood. Whatever it is, I'll admit that I believe that I am a Man of Faith. What that Faith is, I’m still discovering.

My blog posts are of redemption and higher calling. It is about the heroic journey. Things are coming to clarity now. Still do not know where this journey leads, but here I be. Still not sure if this my life or my guide to do be and do, all I know is that I'm beginning to know. Still coming to grips with these messages.

This will be a short post. Sorry.

Have Faith.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Vasquez Rocks--What's Next?

A black lab and 50 year old showed me how scared I was yesterday. After I ran out of time at the Manhattan Beach Parking lot I decided to take a different route home and I found myself in Vasquez Rocks. If you never been, watch the latest movie of the Star Trek genre. Its Spock’s home world that gets destroyed. This 905 acres of national park is named after one California’s most notorious bandits. This land lies some thirty minutes north of Los Angeles and is easily one of the most recognizable scenery in the movie industry. This is part of the San Andreas Fault. If you seen the movies or TV shows Cars (Disney), AI, Saving Grace, CSI, they have been filmed here.

For some time, I have been saying I am going to go and this day I finally did. Drove into the first parking lot and said this where I needed to go. So I started off in the nature trail, then I realized that I forgot to chirp my car. Not realizing, there was another parking lot I noticed a car with a horse trailer drive past the first gate and said. Okay, I will follow him. So I got in my car and waited. An off-road motorcyclist decided to do his repair works behind my car and didn’t realize that I wanted to go back. Eventually he left and I entered the next parking lot.

I parked and headed through the juniper bush and Manzanita. There it was the rock that I have seen a million times off the 14 freeway. I’m here again. First time I was here. I found a cave with Shelly. Ah, another time. Anyways, I ventured through. Found Horse poop and lizards. Headed to the base of the rock, I saw a lady with a baby carriage and I thought, "How odd. Why is she bringing her child here? There was no way that she would be going up this hill.

From a distance, I could see people on top of the rocks and all I could think of is this rock climbers that go up El Capitan. Ever watch that movie, Cliff Hanger with Sly Stallone, those were the people that traversed the giant  rock. Then I took a closer look, there were kids on top of the hill. I said what the heck. How in the heck are those kids getting up there. I was dumbfounded. There climb was sheer climb, and 80 degree climb and it looked like went up forever.

Heard some music in the background and I thought there is something wrong with me. There is no stereo speakers around. Maybe this is an early sign of Alzheimer. All of sudden a Black lab, brushes against my leg and I jumped. A fifty year old looked up the giant rock and started to climb. She looked back and apologized for her dog scaring me. I said, “No Biggie.” Inside my heart was in arrest. There she was brown khakis and sun hat and she was scaling this mountain of a climb.  Quarter ways her and her dog were making their way.

Upset, I placed both my blackberry and camera and pocket and headed up. If this soon-to-be retiree and her dog can get up the hill, than I better go. Otherwise I will always be doubting my personhood. Midway up and out of breath, I found a little crevice and sat my ass down. More out of breath and amazed of the 50+year old’s gall, I turned around and looked at the view.

Bad idea. I have vertigo. Don’t remember when it started happening, but when ever look down I get dizzy and easily feel uneasy. Expecting something beautiful and feeling a cathartic experience, Instead I felt seasick. The world seemed to rock. I thought, "No it’s not an earthquake. I hope." There has only been an earthquake almost every day these last couple of weeks. On this day, Honshu, Japan had 6.6 and Indian 6.0 South Indian Ocean.  6.4 Kepulauan Obi, Indonesia Saturday. Three in Chile. (Recently subscribed to USGS earthquake alerts. Signed up since Tahiti and Columbia quake)

Took some pics. Took a swig of Dasani and said, "Better turn around and head up again." Didn’t want sit too long knowing fright might overtake me. Thoughts of calling 911 for a rescue did come to my head. Learned awhile back, rock climbers would call emergency for a rescue if climbers get stuck.  For some reason, the music I heard earlier was getting louder. Started thinking do all climbers hear music when the get closer to the summit. 

Well, I no longer saw the black lab and the soon to be retiree. I did see 2 grade schoolers looking down at me. What the Fuck! My hearts racing at 140 bpm and I’m getting out of breath and these two little shits are smiling and waving at me. I do my cardio five times a week. These kids did not pass me up this mountain. What the. . . !!! This fired me up. Got up the hill and found steady ground and looked at the view again. Still a bad idea with vertigo me. I sat down pretending to stabilize myself for a picture.

I looked on the other side and saw Horses and a crowd of people. Okay, there is another parking lot. Should have followed the other cars. I look down and saw group of five huddled around what I assume was the director. All wore jeans and various t-shirts. One stood out. He was holding a broad sword wore  in a Roman guard outfit. A man stands up and he raises his arms like O Cristo Redentor in Rio De Jinero. Suddenly, in slow motion he falls back. I thought he slipped and I reached for my pocket to call 911.

Guess, this was dress rehearsal, because the group of five (Now 4) caught the falling man. I then noticed Saw Film lights and heard a generator.  Music came on and I realized this was film about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Guess, its a sign to head to Sunday Mass at 5:30 om.

Suddenly, I heard “Anya Ah Say O.” I looked up and saw a pack of Korean ladies dressed in green shorts and tourist sun-visors, bounding up the hill. Guess, its my thing to take the road less traveled. I realized the side of the hill I climbed up was the hard way. I answered “Kum Saw Me Da.” (Its thank you I think in Korean) She nodded and bounded past. Bitches. Never felt so old and scared. Suddenly, another grade schooler was climbing down the mountain above me. "Fuck," I think to myself. The grade schooler shouts, "I got ninja skills!!!"I agree. He's climbing down the hill like Spider-man. I look up. It’s the lady with the baby stroller.

Long story short, never realized how scared.  I looked up this hill. I thought, "Where did my courage go?" During my junior high years, I showed more moxie. During my first day of school, when I walked home by myself, I showed more courage. (My parents sent after the police. They thought I might have gotten kidnapped. They didn’t know I was already at home. I walked 3 miles and got inside my home by climbing through the bathroom window. I had to pee and I had no key. Mind over bowels every time)
Looking back, I doubt that I would have gone up that rock. Weren’t for the black lab and the fifty year, I would have turned back and marked this visit off my to do list. It made me realize that I have been scared for some time. Climbing hills, false bravado, and my vertigo scared me. What other things have I been afraid to do? Just realized these Doubt Gremlins had a spell over me.   Hopefully, this Truth has freed me under this cloak of Doubt. 

One must remember that we need to overcome our own personal mountains if others are to follow. Its true, we do stand on the shoulders of giants. We must have personal courage and climb these jagged mountains if we are to move up and move on. In time, these mountains will become molehills and we look back and say, “Yeah, I did that. What’s next?”