Morning Mass--I keep my eyes closed through most of the session. I just find it my time to talk to the Big Smile. Thank the Big Smile for all that I have and all that has been given. Sometimes I sing. Some times I say the prayer if its one I know. Most of the time I just take in the moment where its okay to be quiet with my thoughts.
Few years back going to church was three times a year event. Now its a once a week. It would be okay to me if I would go everyday. I don't and I make excuses why I don't. If I wanted to make the time and effort, I would. Don't want to overload I guess. Read the entire Bible last year. Or was it two years ago. Still have the app on the phone.
Been wanting to read the other religious texts but just haven't made it a priority. Its funny how we let things become habit. How good intentions aren't manifested.
For awhile, I was hoping to make a reconciliation. This has fallen by the waist side. Just "Read. .." and no response. Just let this one dark moments pass. Not Too Easy. My fear of being too pushy. My fear of rejection. I close my eyes and ask, is this one of those, "This Too Shall Pass"
Guess, this why I find comfort in Church. I ask for Forgiveness. I ask for a wish that May Not Happen. Don't get my answer, but just unburdening. It helps take this sorrow off for a bit. I don't want to let it go too long because its all that I have. Its this feeling. I am afraid that this feeling will go away. Don't have much of good memories of M.Just pictures and emails of last year. I just have this longing and this Hope that Things will Change. What I have is the feeling. Defriending, Closed contact. Unanswered emails. It is feeling of hurt. Maybe its what I want subconsciously.This feeling for not being where I should have been. My mind understands this is not the best course of action. For last few years, I have been making my heart stronger. Now, maybe I am ready. Ready to say, I hear you and Good Bye. Maybe in the next life I will get it right. I need to close this chapter. This story may not have a happy ending.
Listened to a Freakonomics episode. It was on quitting. Talked about sunk costs and opportunity costs. Used examples of Minor league players holding on to their dream, Talked about High End escort leaving a computer programming job. Talked about 60 and 70 year old hookers still working. Talked about the tactic of Seals telling would be candidates to quit. It was stuff I knew. Yet, it made me realize this situation I'm in. Holding on to this dream of having a relationship with M. Hold on or move on.
Putting this stuff out there and let the Universe do what She will. Trying to get that picture in my head of how I would like this happen. Role playing this scenario. Honestly it gets harder and harder to do at times. Letting this dream go. Forgetting all that has been said and written.
Anyways, this day is coming to a quick end. Need to close my eyes soon. Big Smile, I understand I may not get the answer I would like. I do thank you for listening. Can't step into the same River twice.
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