Now what? Sitting here thinking, "Now, what?" So much done, so much still to do. Two things checked off. Only, twenty-five more to go. Now what? What do you do in moments of nothingness. I am learning a new skill. I have been told it may take years of practice, and may still not be mastered. My new resolution this year is. . .Drum roll, please. It is my number one task. My skill to master above, all else. My hope and dream is to master how to . . .Breathe. Yes, I have been doing it wrong for ages. At least this is what my new yoga instructor told. Following journalism 101, get two separate sources collaborating this fact. I got a book and my cousins. I have been doing wrong all this time. I don't know to breathe.
Are You Sure You Are Doing That Right?
While sitting down on the recumbent bike, my favorite Life Fitness with toe grips on the second notch, seat height on 1, (I am no tall) I was reading a book called, "Real Men Do Yoga?" What drew me in after scanning of the topics and pictures and little scribbles to the pages' side, I was drawn to the chapter? Why did it jump out? It said look how you are breathing, you are not doing it right. Damn, I have been doing it before I was born, now after 30+ years, the book is saying I got it all wrong. Ohh--Kay? (Can you hear my sarcasm?)
911--Hmmmm, I have called around 50 times
Well, The guy next to me, dripping sweat, gasping for air as his legs pump up and down. He's certainly not doing right. K thud. K thud. K thud. Old guy is on the treadmill. Thought this guy was going to have an MI right here and now. Thinking to myself, elevate feet. Get someone to call 911. Let him lie down and take a breath. K thud. K thud. K Thud. I am thinking to myself, this 50 year old guy needs to dial it down a notch. Never saw him before, he was probably a new resolute. Working for the fitness industry at Gold's Gym and LA Fitness, I have seen his type. Can't fault the guy for going all out, but I just grimace at the thought of having to do CPR. Almost had to do it several times. Thinking back, I have easily called 911 for assistance around fifty times in my lifetime. I am sure there will be more. Hopefully, not today.
Left Nostril, then Right. Mouth Breathe, Yes, Exhale Through Your Eyelids
Anyways, the chapter that jumped out was breathing. Breathing. How to breathe? Different techniques on such a basic thing. Everyone does it, but from what the book said there are several techniques to breathing more efficiently. Never thought about it before. It such a basic thing, but from I understand it many people do it wrong. I'm one, apparently. The book discusses nostril breathing, where one plugs one side and breathes through the open nostril. It discusses diaphragmatic breathing. Breathe through your belly. Huh? I have heard breathe through your eyelids (Susan Sarandon, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham) It states that about only 7% percent of the breathes we take contain oxygen. Its mostly CO2, which makes sense.
Mouthpiece Memories Make Me Shudder
I think back at the mouthpiece in my car, but first let me tell you this, in case you did not know. They use mouthpieces as a training tool to improve cardio fitness. Flipped through the ads of Runner magazine and I saw plastic mouth pieces for sale. Fifty bucks, ouch. I blackout for a second. I had bad mouthpiece flashback. I don't know about $50 bucks, come on. Guess, it works. Rubber bands for working out was joke when it first came out, now its a staple to fitness trainers.
Mouthpieces and I have a history. I cringe at the thought of plastic in my mouth. Ex girlfriend wore braces. She had use to wax for some strange reason. Apparently, one long kissing session, and I got a nice gob of plastic for an unexpected snack. Yuck!!! Thanks, Amanda. Another time, I boiled mouthpiece for football season and scalded my lips and gums. Blister, nice. However, my worst memory was a few years back. After a closeout*, I was pulled over under suspicion of a DUI (*sales industry term)Tired from decorating the gym and selling ships. I had couple of rounds with my sales team. Tired and not eating, I decided to head to the local Motel 6 to stay for the night. Simply,I wasn't up for an hour and half drive on the 5 freeway.
Now With Your Left Finger Touch Your Nose. . .
I took a curb short. BLAM!!!My wheels hit the curb and I bounced, almost hitting my head on the roof top.Before I knew it, flashing red lights filled my rear view window. Had to take breathe because my life was going to change forever. I am going to the drunk tank in the Garden Grove. Or maybe it was the Stanton office. I am at the border. Arrested, DUI on my record, nobody to open the gym--I'm screwed. Officer asked me to get out of the car with his hand on his holster. I unbuckled and stepped out of the car. He said that he stopped because I was driving erratically.
Officer John asked me, "Have you been drinking?" I said, "Yes." I call myself STUPID in my head. I say under my breath I have right not to incriminate myself. Moral Jeff, was superseding Business Law Jeff tonight. Thought to myself, just have Faith and answer the man's question. Its a fair one. Honestly, I had doubts on whether I was doing the right thing versus the legal thing. Sometimes, they don't agree. I wasn't going to have outright argument with myself here and now.
Officer Jimenez asks me to stand on one leg. I do. He tells to put both my arms out. Now, I am thinking, place your hands behind your back. He, doesn't. I hear ". . .field sobriety test. . ." Great. I raise my arms. He then asked me to touch my nose with my finger. I did. (Thank God, I took a couple of Pilates classes these last couple of weeks. Holding a position for awhile paid off. That one leg thing almost killed me. Admittedly, instructor was cute and I hated for her having me hold a position for three minutes straight. It kept me out of jail, though. Thanks, Mary. My Core was strong like bull. Whew)
He then asked me to take a breathalyzer test. I did not believe I had to take the test, but if I was guilty, I would live with the consequence. So much to ask at 2 in the morning with 3 hours sleep the night before. I opened my mouth and tasted the nasty plastic mouthpiece. Blew a 0.08. I'm done. I am going in. Going to the pokey, hopefully wont get poked. Bad American Me movie memories. Little did I realize that the legal limit was still 0.1. Next week, the lower standard goes in effect. At least, that was what Officer John said.
Office Jimenez asked where I was going. I told him I was tired, hungry, and I was headed to Jacques a la Boites for some food then to Motel 6 next door to crash. Angrily, he said I almost did just that. Can't hate the guy. Reckless drivers are bad and should go to jail. Thought to myself, I may be one of them.
Both officers said they would wait until I got a room, then leave. Went to window teller, paid for my room. I showed them my plastic door key card and smiled. Officer John looked at me said, "Next time eat and get a ride." They turn their flashing lights off and drove away. I exhaled a deep breath of air. Then I preceded to hyperventilate. Whew!!!
After picking up Jumbo jack and pomme frittes, I went to my room. Woke up the next day and sifted through my pockets. Surprised, it was the plastic mouthpiece. I gasp, finding it hard to catch my breath. Thinking how last night could have turned a lot differently, I thank the Big Smile and the Angel watching over me.
My Telepathic Ability and Powers of Suggestions Are Working Now
K Thud. K Thud. K Thud. Tilt the head back. Check the nose and mouth for air inspiration and expiration. Watch the abdomen rise and fall. He needs to slow down. All of the sudden, I look at the guy and close-lip smile. He is reaching for the arrow pointing down. pressing it sevearl times. Good, he is slowing down and decreasing intensity. Good job. Anaerobic man is going to get his HR to a reasonable pace, 180 BPM. His breathing slowing. Color is returning to his face. The sprinkler of sweat has turned off. Couldn't tell you how gross it is to see droplets of sweat fly everywhere. Reminds me of that rain-x commercial. Beads of water fly off the windshield. I shudder. At least he is not gasping for O2 like before. You see, I was this guy a year ago. Tried to make up for the years of bad food choices, little sleep, and hours of TV time.
I take a deep breath myself. Keeping my cardio in the aerobic range has been documented to be a better for fat-burning than going anaerobic. I am edumacated. Eyes gots my learnin done. Again, breathe in through nose than out mouth. In Nose, Out Mouth. Nose, Mouth. Nose, mouth. Or was it mouth, then nose? I forget. Get a rhythm. Runners breathing technique. Talk while working out. This will tell you whether you are getting enough oxygen to the rest of the body.
RT Giving Me Some Learnin
Breathing is such a physiologically complicated process. Cousin Jason was trying to break it down me. He's in a RT program, Respiratory Therapy. So is my other cousin's girl, Jewel. At least, if I need breathing treatment in the future, I will be covered. Nasal cannula and albuterol, I can't wait.Thought to myself, I used to tutor this stuff. On cellular level, the hemoglobin carries molecules of oxygen through the capillaries. There is a nice Hemoglobin curve that explains the pace of picking up CO2 and O2 molecules. Diaphragm contracts, creating negative space which consequently causes the lobes of the lungs to expand. Blah, blah, blah.
Let Me Entertain You With The Dulcet Sounds of the Humpback and Red Sox Fan
In the my recent yoga class, the instructor emphasized in nasally Boston-tone that I want to breathe in the prana, the chi, the life force. Baah-Stun accent and whale songs, music to my ears. Such harmony. Not! My first yoga experience, one I will never forget. When you have your arms and legs intertwined in Eagle pose, or have you butt in the air in Dog, or standing tall in Warrior, the yoga instructor keeps telling us to breathe. I said how, if your diaphragm is going this way, and your chest is caved in that way, breathing? No, I don't think so.
Yes, I Crash This Course. This Left Nostril 101, Right?
In Tae Kwon Do, Aikido, Jiu Jitsu, and every martial art they emphasize the need to breathe when striking. Exhale, when you hit the bag. Ki--AAAA!!! Breathe In, Breathe. Yes, Mr. Miyagi. Breath In, Breathe Out. Breathing is so simple its complicated. After reading a chapter in this book, did I realize that I gots to get some edumacation. Left nostril, then right. Complicated. I think I will go register for a class. That's in the Learning Annex for graduate study section.
Jedi Mind Master I Be . . .or Six Month Pregnant
"SLOW DOWN" I shout in my head. I look back and see the anaerobic runner slow down his gallop to nice pedestrian jog. Hey, it worked. Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I have much Mitocholander in my cellular structure, too. His chest slowly rises and falls. His abdomen expands like a 6 month pregnant women. It contracts back, like a 4 month pregnant woman. He's got a belly. Mine is about a 2 month pregnant woman now. A year ago, the maternity ward was going to be my next home.
Moral of Story: Resolution #1 Breathe
I sleep better now. Less weight. My CPAP mask and breathing machine are at the side of my bed. At nights I am blasted away with my own wind tunnel of oxygen. Sleep Apnea. Instinctively, I knew that when I stopped breathing that is not such a good thing. Even got edumacated to this fact. The book told me so. Plus, I got RTs-in-training to draw pictures for me explaining how. They are family. If you cant trust them, well, you know.
No, seriously, I didn't realize this simple, everyday thing has been the core of everything that is wrong with me. I did not slow down and catch breath before and I ballooned up to almost 280 pounds. I did not realize that I had sleep apnea and I was literally dying at night. Moreover, I was going anaerobic and not exercise correctly. This is why I could not kick my ex-girlfriend's new husband's ass because I was not "Ki Yahhhhing" properly. Bad breathing all in. I am getting better. I got a book. I am going to learn how to breathe--Better.
Look With Soft Eyes, That Pregnant Guy Could Be You
K thud. K thud. K thud. The 50 year old new resolute is off the treadmill now. Whew. No CPR needed. He is still sweating like a pig, looking like he was dropped in a dunk tank. At least, he is on the road to better health. Hopefully, sometime next year, he'll have given birth and gotten rid of his baby fat.
Got to keep remembering, everyone is on their own Hero's journey. A big part of become whole again is the physical and mental trials. To be reborn again, like a phoenix from fires, one needs a little oxygen to get that pyre burning. So Breathe. Use your left nostril first, the right. Or was it in your nose, out your mouth? If that is not enough, grab an exercise mouthpiece. Oh whatever, just breathe. You have been doing before you were even born.
