Warm night. Quiet outside with the occasional car driving by. Fans a blowing. Steady hum soothes my anxiousness. Its been hanging for awhile. This unrest. Like waiting for the shoe to drop. Like the blow ready to be struck. It hangs there. Paused. As if time is slowed waiting. . . and waiting.
I need to close the window. A/C kicked in and I am feeling this cooling slow this roll. Like when I dive into the pool. Knowing it will be brisk. The plunge. After I say my "Thanks", I feel my knees bend and that point of no return, before the splash. Feeling the bubbles fly past my hands. There is a slowing down. A state of suspension. Momentum is built than the water becomes accepting and the rest of your body become like its flying.
Had some pictures put up. On a different site. It was one that raised my ire. Wasn't ready to really look at them. Frankly, I really forgot them. Found them in my downloads and I remembered. It brought a little peace. Had deep anger. A rage for people I didn't know. Felt betrayed by this Dragon Lady. Won't get into it. Still, I was not seeing it all. Thinking this stuff has passed.
Looking at these pictures I was reminded that Time heals most things. Allowing time for people to make things right. Allowing for people to come to their space. Their own place. I know time is passing by. Not waiting for me or anyone else. Somethings will be healed other times it will be lopped off and forgotten.
I think of, I rather not say,. Actually, there are two. Both close. No relationships with their Bio. One changed the last name. Another well I don't know. One has a FB relationship with lady that spoke her name in her dreams. That relationship is not with me.
Nonetheless, maintaining a wish, with no evidence of its future realization--Its taxing. Listened to a post on Stuff You Should Know. It was about willpower. In essence, it is like a cup needing to be refilled. It reaches a point where exhaustion occurs and than it ends. Burst of sugar helps strengthen this resolve. Guess I need a glucose tablet. My Willpower is waning.
Guess, this is what Hope is about. Being tested. Having One's resolved tested. It is testing Forever.
So. . .I close my eyes. Try to find that space. That Zone where the mind is quieted by stuff that drains. Like a muscle it needs to be worked on. It needs to be rested. It needs find that Flow. So, I will wait. Break through this point. My feet have left the pool deck and my Body and Soul are committed. This point where the water is still pushing back, not yet accepting. Hope it yields soon.
