Quiet Day at Home: Time for Reflection

Canada won. Great game. Great effort USA. Never say die attitude. Love it. Closing ceremony now in a few hours. Looks like the Lakers will win this game. 13 seconds left and they are ahead by 6 points. Carmello fouled out and Kobe s on the free throw line. Whew. Tough game throughout. Both games.

Got word from an old friend. He accepted my Facebook friend request. It was a much welcome surprise. Thought I was ignored. It is good to know he’s alive. Hopefully, he's well. That’s all I will say about that. Important games. Important friends. Important times. 

Jumped in the pool again. Brisk. Freezing. Yeah, all that. So what now? Well, it has been a great time. Went to church early this morning. Sun was shining on me during the service. It felt nice. It felt right.

March is in 8 hours and 48 minutes. Going to do my month in review. Read part of my March Astrologyzone review. Just showed the goalie for the USA. Not happy, but he should be proud. All of the USA Hockey should be proud for the gallant effort. Tying the game with 24 seconds left. So close, yet, no shame.  The rain falls on the just and unjust. It was 3 to 2 Canada for Olympic gold.

Where do we go from here? Laundry needs to be finished. Dishes need to be washed. Taxes need to be done. Diet Log needs to be updated. Exercise logs, too. Books needs to be read. Time line needs to be completed.

Its been two months since the new year started.  Prece has been solid with her beam. Lynn's working on her Chumash project. Master Yoda shares his food with me. He like Brown Sugar and Maple oatmeal. He loves Star Wars. Makes me laugh. Chris went to visit Tatay. Thought about that in church. Just sitting at home relaxing. Just a day. A great day.

Where’s the journey? Where’s the lesson learned? Where’s moral of the story? Can’t say there is much in this post. It’s just a wonderful day. House is quiet, except for the kids outside playing. That is a welcome sound. Just the sound of laughter and smiles. Just the sound of birds chirping and happiness all around. Just the beautiful sun-shining day just breathes happiness.

Guess, too often we hear the troubles and angst of the daily going-ons.  Another quake hit Chile. 8.8—That was a big one. It was larger than the 1994 Northridge quake. That one brought down the 5 freeway overpass. Tsunami hit China. Warnings were for Japan, Philippines, Hawaii, California. Haiti Quake was in January. I heard there was an earthquake in Japan, too. 

When one has a day like this, it gives one pause and time of reflections of just being happy. In any story being told, one expects struggle. One expects strife. One expects drama. Yet, when I have a day like this, a do nothing day. No worries. No stress. No nothing. I tend to just savor it because for many, a blissful day like today, seems too few and far between.

Well, its 3:27 now and the sun will be setting in 3 hours and some change. Right now I just want to soak up the sun. I hope you have a chance to do the same.

Uncommon Strength: In Her Greatest Need. . .

Saturday. I sit in Panera. It's a nice place. A pretend fire is to my right. Plugged in at one of the precious outlets. People are eating their soup with their fancy bread bowls. (My favorite, by the way) Listening the classical piano overhead. I hear the musing of the people behind me. Their daily log of their life’s events.

Hmmm. Life events. It’s been almost two months since the year began. There still much to do. . .and still much to do. I’ve put some things on the backburner. Been making choices not to do things. I guess, I am bit afraid to them. Time is coming to end and they need to be done. I need to get these things done. There’s been some events that have lead me different ways—and they are all good. Yet, I need to get these things accomplished.

Plugged the ipod and put on my Nike+. Checked my status and I still lead in a few challenges. Fallen behind in some. Yet, I feel that I could do and need to do more. Last month finished around 100 miles. This month only 32 miles. That is a big drop. No fault but my own. Need to commit hardcore. Need to make the time. Need to do my road work. Need to do my faith road work, too. I am feeling a calling. Funny things is that the clouds the sun giving me a peak. Well, funny. I know it sounds strange. Maybe sharing my experiences is what is my calling.

Had a few signs of late. Did not want to write about it because there was some time that I need to appreciate it. I needed to go in a cave and just take in all the wonderfulness of it all. Taking a breath some things have changed. My niece asked me where would I go if I moved. Honestly, I just said Palmdale. Its my home. It’s my place. Its where my family are. Wherever they are is where it is most important.  Traveled around southern California. Worked from Ventura to Garden Grove. Would have traveled to other states, but I would been away from where I needed to be.

It has been that way for awhile. Been away. Been disconnected from the source. It seems life events have given me a moment of pause to course correct. Not there yet, but I am getting there, In this group I accidentally joined, it appears that I am the male energy. I suspect what my purpose is with this group. Not ready to share, but I sense my purpose.

One lady said that they want to hear my story. Their heart and minds have opened. I am really out of the norm for this group. All, except me, are elderly ladies. All married. All are artists-in-the making. They have some stories they share. They are a tight group that have shared many life experiences. It’s a coven, of sorts. It feels like I am a group of healers. I know that I was drawn here for a reason. Much wisdom is here. Much energy is here. Much change is in the group. Feels a bit weird, but its welcoming.

The leader of the group reminds me of an earth mother, the Gaea archetype. Much wisdom. Much passion. A Strength of an earth mother imbued with a gift. She has the gift of words. She said that I have much to say. In many ways, this is so true. 

We had an exchange. Like a protecting mother, she fought with energy. I felt it. Don't know if she felt the force. Needed not to take it personally, yet, I needed to stand to the brunt. Yes, there was some fear. Fear of her energy. Fear of angry words. Fear of consequence. Yet, I still needed to stand. Philosophical challenge. Fundamental differences. Like Democrats and Republicans warring on whatever. Their logic, their feelings, their beliefs were strong. Yet, I needed to stand. If war, then let it come. Let's hope this will last war for the colonies.  A house divided will not stand.

Ideologically, it was a struggle between disconnecting and forgetting the past and everything. I wanted to maintain the energy to stay connected. Being a introvert, I know the comfort of not being hurt by others. I cocooned and I'm in the rebirth stage. I don't want to dismiss the past. There is a strength of ancestors that we can not and should not leave. True, their are flaws passed and their stories are not necessarily ours.  Yes, we need to listen to our own stories and listen to our own voice. Being a loner, I know where she comes from. I subscribe one can will ourselves to be anything. I know this all to well. I know walking alone. Hopefully. . .

I will endure because I feel like a diamond being polished. After being crushed, pressured with constant force, I feel that I am being polished now. My facets are coming out. A master cutter is where I am. They have given me tools that I am learning to use to shine. It will be some time.  I hope in this exchange that I will provide the same change for them to flourish too.

That’s it for this post.

Gremlins Strike Again. Only Strengthening My Resolve

Gremlins Strike

Been losing stuff lately. Lost my headphones for Ipod. Lost my New Balance that has my Ipod sensor. Today lost my black moleskin. It had 30 bucks in it. I know it’s not much, but still, the books had stuff I did not want to lose. Nothing I can’t replace, it just it sucks. I don’t want to give it more time and energy because the Gremlins that hid it from me will enjoy my depression. I am upset by the loss. Yet, not so much.

Found--No Longer Lost

Last night at a church meeting, I found a letter that I somehow was in possession of. Must have picked it up accidentally when I had the meeting with the Father. The father coincidentally attended the meeting and I  returned his missing letters to him. It was good feeling returning something that was lost. There is something about finding lost things.

Search For Meaning

There is something about losing something of importance. I’m sure there is a reason for it. Right now I don’t see the bigger picture. Maybe it was the chance coincidence I had with the priest. Maybe it was that I needed to return to St. Mary’s at the time. Whatever reason, I hope to find my book. I liked it.

I was taking a day, doing laundry. Meal Planning, dishes, and general chores. Worked out this morning, too. Jumped in the freezing cold pool. Prepping for a Polar Bear thing. Watched Part of Ali. He’s an inspiration. Not bad of a start for the day. Spent sometime looking for my Black moleskin. Checked my car three times.  It wasn’t in my clothes. I was planning on paying a late fine for the library and catching a flic.  The black moleskin had stuff that I wanted to keep. It had notes that were important to me. Maybe losing it was important to re-visit those things that I wrote. Whatever reason, its gone. 

Gremlins. Well, that’s enough energy on this.

What was lost can be replaced. What was written can be re-written. What can not be done now, can be done later. Gremlins, good effort.  Can’t beat me.  In my forty days, I am getting the program. Won’t let little things get to me. In this process of change, I am learning so much more. Intentions count. Set backs are just part of the program.  Setbacks are strengthening my resolve.

Emoto's Water Crystal

If thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us.  Dr. Masaru Emoto’s water research.  I got the photo from the  Masaru Emoto website If you don't know about this well, I let you discover the power of thought physically effecting objects. Click on the national anthem themes. On YouTube, check out the positive and negative energy on water.

Need a shot of feel good

Please click below.

Oprah and Black Eyed Peas--watch at least to the half point  Tonight’s going to be a good

Muse--New Dawn  New Dawn

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--Jed, Bartlet, West Wing

What I hope I will be in 30 minutes


Veins of Gold. Ray of Gold. "I am still learning--Michaelangelo."

These are the little snippets I have gotten from this new book I am beginning to read. Forty more pages and I should be caught up.

By coincidence, I met up with a reading group all femmes with artistic aspirations. Having lunch at Panera's and I couldn't help but listen to these women having "Discourse." Initially, I thought it was healing group. Kind of afraid to inquire because I got this feeling there was some anger issues. Male-bashing trauma. Reminded me a bit of Fight Club. No, not the UFC stuff. It was the weekly meetings, Ed Norton's character was attending to battle is insomnia. Testicular Cancer, Sickle-Cell Anemia, etc.

I felt like a Tourist. I had no intention of involving myself. I had no desire too, either. I was simply drawn at the battle of two personalities. I've seen it before, In group development. In all group development four stages must happen: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. This was undoubtedly the storming/ forming stage. As an outside viewer, a tourist, I could not help but listen. I tried not to, I swear. Yet, I was drawn.

The group's discourse reminded me of the movies when people kiss. I always avert my eyes during the scenes of intimacy. A passionate, innocent kiss--I always avert my eyes. Its so intrusive. Its so intimate. Its so personal. Guess, during my Peer Counseling days, privacy was and still is of utmost importance. If I went, I would assume it would be like a confession. Baring one's soul to the world. I mean, being adept in sales, it has been my natural instinct to be able to cut through the Bull. Get Cliff Notes in snippets. Watching someones shoes, their gait, their outfit. Listening to the inflection. Watching the congruences, their tells, when they spoke. I was able to size up a situation and circumstance in an instant.

All of us do it all the time. Guess, I had good teachers to be listening with my eyes more often.

One of the ladies passed by on her way to the washroom, I asked innocently what the group was. I was right. It was a reading book group with a theme of self-help artist within-stuff. Well, I was invited to join and I accepted. One lady was a published author and I thought. Why not? If I have any aspirations of writing a book, well, okay. Jump.

One said I was a catalyst. Had to look that up to make sure that was a good thing. Its just I like to get things done. I don't want to be the alpha in this group. I am just going to flow. We naturally step into roles we feel most comfortable in. Mine has been toward leadership. Lately, I have been consciously not falling into this role. Don't get me wrong, but I think I am enjoying playing the devil's advocate. The road less traveled. I enjoy being the other voice. Yet, I will take a backseat approach and enjoy the ride

When the time calls, I'll be whatever needs to be done to reach where this journey needs us to go. For a long time, my question has been "If you were a fly on the wall, what wall would that be?" For me, it was answered in the movie Thirteen Days. During time of crisis, I felt that I would play a role. What role? Honestly, don't know. Thought I would be the decision maker. Thought I would the special assistant. Thought I would be the voice to call for war. Played this scenario so many times, . . .It was like playing chess. E4, E5, Kn F3. . .

Maybe these events will be a warm-up for something more. Posse is forming. Foreshadowing. Well, time is short. Must go on my mini-escape.

"Its not that I don't know, its just I haven't learned yet"--West Wing

Everything Counts

Tuesday morning. Where do I start? I sit in It's A Grind. Had a morning everything bagel, buttered. No hot cocoa this morning. No service on my Blackberry. No internet service. Thank goodness for Wi-Fi. Not sure where this thread will lead me, but I'm sure something will emerge. The call to Jung's Collective Unconscious. Things are at critical mass now.

Chris leaves by the end of the week. He's at the Radisson for med check.  Sony is cocooning hard core. Not going out much I suspect. John and Ryan are Rolling around. Anesha and Jon are at restaurants all the time. Mitch is having issues. He's feeling out on the lurch. Antoinette and Myk I am not sure. None of them went Chris's going away. Kind of sucks. No it sucks.

Other things were more important. Its the convergence and divergence.  Families and friends spread out and go their way. They leave what's familiar for go to explore other things. They find out who they are. At times people forget who they were in order to become who they need to be. Sometimes people choose to follow different paths.

Don't suspect I will see Chris for sometime. He's re-enlisting. He proposed to Jewel at the going away. In the middle of truth or dare. Good for him. Think that was the reason I felt the need to go. I may not see him in like forever. May never ever. Just wanted to hold on a little longer. This may be the last chance. Off to go find his destiny.

Guess, at parties, its indicator how and much think of you. If they show up or call, if they do nothing, or they forget, if they throw birthday celebration, it is how much you are cared for. Had my birthday recently, I won't say much about that. It is reflection on how you have or have not impacted people's lives. They say when one is the hospital, the one that shows up first is the one that loves you the most. I'm in the hospital. I see it all the time.

I fear my past has  or is catching up. Divergence is happening within my families. Each one going their own way. Palmdale. Victorville. Culver City. Camarillo. West Covina. Glendale. Burbank. Family tress is branching out. Becoming their own thread.

In a generation in half, we will be forgotten. When our children pass. When our children's childrens pass, we will be forgotten. Not ever to be remembered. Got this line from the movie Troy with Brad Pitt. In this age, the heroes of yesteryear are forgotten. Only images and moments etched in memory do they live on. We must take a bite of that apple, so that it will be part of us. It will always be part of us, no matter how short it is. (Phenomenon movie)

Go to that party which may be an hour and half drive. Go to that one of many dance recitals. Gymnastic competition. Watch that them grow and go. The ties that bind is more than the blood coursing the veins. Its the moments of pain and love. Its the moments of hellos and goodbyes. its those celebration of everyday. Our time is finite. Our love needs to be cherished. Our love needs to be nourished by that hug, that word of encouragement, that time together. Before next times become never anymore, go.

Moments happen every second. Moments gone. Moments lost. Moments happen everywhere. There is never nothing happening. Moments are everywhere. Just need to watch. Need to listen. Need to feel.

Well, this moment is over. Got to start a new thread.

Here I Am. . .

You spend time on what’s important. If you’re not, then you may want to ask yourself why?

Took a photo Sunday. It’s a pretty remarkable one. I am not going to say what it is. You are just going to have to decide for yourself. Made a decision after wards, no, it’s more of a flash. I have those at times. I am just listening to them more often. Had a friend give me an honest opinion on something I have had some reservation on something I am doing. I still have reservations. It was honest and has a great deal of merit. This person I trust and have known for years. I hold her opinion in great confidence. Yet, I think I will go on. 

 As for one of decisions, I made. Decided I will not post sunrises and sunsets on Facebook anymore. I will still wake up every morning and take time out of my day to view the sunrise and sunset. Its not that I won’t do it again. Its just that I will take a sabbatical. Decided not to post sunrise/ sunset pictures for a few weeks. I have a date in mind, but you will have to keep posted I guess. (April sometime) Also, decided to stop eating beef and pork. Dalai Lama/ Glitter thing. Plus, I need to get back on track. Been off for couple of weeks. Getting off the track for a little while. Nothing purposeful, nothing disturbing. Its just I need a bit of a course correction. Need some cocooning before I spread my wings in the future.

Been taking more time on everything. Not that I have more time. I am just taking more time in the moment. This morning decided to enjoy every bite of breakfast. Scrambled eggs. Tater tots. Bagel with butter and strawberry preserves. It feels a bit awkward with no meat. I like beacon. I like Korean BBQ. I like Tacos. Before I knew it I realized some people-without savor every bite because they do not know when that next  bite will be.

Sunday Drove to Downtown LA from Riverside National Cemetery to have breakfast at Catch-21 in downtown. Area is a few blocks outside some troubled areas. Just wanted some Fish and rice for breakfast.  New England Clam chowder, too. Love shrimp, too. Reminds me a bit of Faneuil Hall in Boston

Wasn’t able to fit some things this weekend, but still it was a memorable weekend. Thankfully, it has been many memorable weekends lately. Everyday has been more memorable. What troubles me when ever I hear this is, Ugly Mondays. Thanks Big Smile for the weekend. Its Hump Day.  I mean why is there so much enjoyment placed on the weekend. It’s just if one focuses on three days of the week, what about the other four days. If you need to take a break, take a break. If you are not happy in the job you’re in, quit. Do something else. If it no longer feels right, and you don’t foresee something better. If the reward, does not justify the expenditure, then this does not seem, well, smart. 

Everyday can be a celebration. Instead of dreading heading to work. Dread not working. Dreading a commute. Dread missing the opportunity to change the radio station or change the route. Some people have only one way. Some still have cassettes radios. In Downtown, I have seen the downtrodden. I remember driving past Skid Row picking a son's friend at the bus station. I thank every moment that  could be worse than I am.

I still take my G-Time. I take my moment with the sunsets and sunrises. I still take pictures. We all have a sunset. We will all meet our sunsets. Take that weekend away. When you do that, everyday will be a weekend day. Then everyday will be a Day. Every will be a moment. Every moment will be a lifetime. Start small. You'll notice how big things are. Like you. You'll notice you are a Giant. Your gaze will be far when you start looking near.

At any rate, there are signs for all of us to do something. It’s just are you ready? Things are not always how they seem; things do no turn always turn how we hope. Sometimes, they are better. 

Hendiatris Citius, Altius, Fortius, which is Latin for. . .

Lots have been revealed. Lots still to learn. Finished a morning workout little ago. Now I wait in Camille's for a lunch with D. Where do we begin?  Ah, its here. Apple Tuna salad on Marble white bread with red, white and brown tortilla chips. Tropical tea to my left and here I wait. I am waiting to learn about the one that I know little about. Getting some background info. Getting parts I missed. Whew. Come last year, none of this was forecasted. Last year I was wondering if I was going to live another day. I was wondering if I would fall asleep on the road. I was wondering how many pounds I would gain with this new medication.

Time is Relevant. Where Do You Want To Start? Where Do You Want To End?

Well, it’s been a little over a year since my diagnosis. Its been one day since my 39^th birthday. Its been 17 hours since getting Palm ashes placed on my forehead. Its been 13 hours since I jumped in my freezing cold pool. Its been . . . Future is coming fast. I’m loving it.

At the gym, I caught NBCs short story on Shaun White’s second Gold Medal performance. 1020. Double McTwist.  Launching oneself to the skies. Like Dolphins at Seaworld. Double flips. Also, just read a little article. . .er, no 2 page spread in the LA Times about human athletic performance has reached its apogee. World Records have maxed out. Now its leveling off.  Kind of glad they put this up. Stirring up some stuff. Sounds like that sound barrier thing. Living here in the AV, the home of McDonell-Douglass, Boeing, Edwards Air Force Base. The place where the movie the Right stuff and Chuck Yeager called home. Its the home where people do things that can't be done. .LA Times Article On the Apogee of Human Performance

I Hear You. It's Just I Disagree. Here's My Body of Evidence

Hmmm, I think of Michael Jordan after reading the LA Times article. All these people say he can’t. Cut from High school basketball team. Olympic Gold Medal. MVP Awards. Slam Dunk Champion. Six Championships--Enough Said. Wait, he shoved it in their face. Oh, well. scientific evidence states we reached the peak of human physical performance. I’m a bit troubled by this. Not that I disagree with the tone of the article. I haven’t read the scientific data the reporter cited. Got a bit of reporter skepticism. The tone of the scientific data may not be implying “apogee” at all. Just that grain of salt thing.

Tangents Bring Distraction and Clarity

Sorry, I followed some tangents. Tangent was Facebook.  Tangent was Nike+.  Tangent was YouTube video of Oprah and Black-Eyed Peas .Black Eyed Peas and Oprah Tangent. Tangent was the Buddha page Wikepedia . Reason I left was this quote, “Rejection of the infallibility  of accepted scriptures: Teachings should not be accepted unless they are borne out by our experience and are praised by the wise. Buddha  It’s just.  My personal experience is that being told there are limits. You can't do better. Naturally, I would try to push the envelope. For me, it’s just that being told what I can’t do is just fuel for me to do just that. I understand the need for limits. It’s a safeguard for one not to get hurt. It’s a safeguard for to be conscious of our limitations.It's bullsh*t.

Limitations and Paradigms Are Calls To Arms

Yet, the idea of limitations does not sit well. This benchmark, this apogee, this statement that we reached the peak of human performance is call for those to be higher, faster, stronger. Four Minute Mile was physically impossible, too. Think of Usain Bolt and Carl Lewis. Think Michael Phelp and Mark Spitz. Think of Bob Beamon and Mike Powell. We need to give moments for records. We need time to appreciate the performance of others. We need to be Wow-ed.We need the sound barrier. We need these limitations to show that the human potential is limitless. These pauses give us time to appreciate the human accomplishments.  Geocentric model of the universe once ruled. Latin was the language of business for the world. Paradigm shifts happen all the time. Microsoft and Apple.  

Sitting on our laurels is death. The LA Times article is a call. Watch the Olympics. It’s a celebration. It’s a call to all. Who will answer?  Citius, Altius, Fortius, which is Latin for. . .

Just Waking Up In the Morning Gotta thank . . .Big Smile (Part 2 of 2)

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God
I don't know but today seems kinda odd
No barking from the dog, no smog
And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog
I got my grub on, but didn't pig out—Ice Cube

I’m back. Little background, yesterday was a good day. (Read previous post) Met Chelle and her family, which indirectly is my family. Guess, I want to talk about again. It’s great feeling discovering a new part of me. 

I digress. Okay, feet back on the ground. Meeting my Chelle’s family made my heart rise. Company, food, music, ambience—it was just great. Unfortunately (and fortunately) I had to leave for my cousin Ron’s birthday get-together. More than couple of hours late, and good half hour away, Just hoped they were still up. Torrance to Burbank, just didn’t know. Called on the Blackberry, speaker phone , of course (It’s the Law). Before I knew, I was standing  at their front door knocking. What seemed seconds later, we were fueling up with Krispy Kreme at the Plant. Needed fuel  before journeying through the streets of LA.

I mean, quick overview of night  1pm, Morgue in Lancaster. 4:30pm Torrance, grilled peppers, ribs, and buried in face down studying my new family.  9 pm at Burbank Krispy Kreme with family. 11 pm, Federal Building and National Cemetery, Westwood. 1 am, Hookers and Hollywood.

Midnight Sightseeing LA
Now, we ready for another journey. Thank goodness, I wasn’t driving.  Great photos and famous sights. Capitol Records Building and Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Then it was the National Cemetery and Federal Building in Westwood paying our respects. We, then, got lost and found the Bel Air Bar & Grill where I danced on tables (my other life, another time) We, later, drove by Hana Sushi with the stripper poles (previous post). We ventured West Hollywood and searched for a French patisserie on Santa Monica Blvd. Passed Miyagi’s, Body Shop (strip join), and Comedy Club. We took photos at Freddie Roach’s Wild Card Gym. Manny Pacquiao wasn’t there. Next, we travelled past Griffith Park Observatory and my favorite Fountain. Stopped by Jim Carrey Yes Man’s bar. Drove by Americana in Glendale, the bigger, better version of the Block of Orange, Farmer Market’s Grove, and Universal City’s City Walk

What Really Matters. . .

Despite, all the great sight-seeing, what I loved the most . .  .the company.  It was family.

Midnight driving with loved one talking about this, that, and everything. It was the greatest. Midnight story of midnight Denny’s Mr. Crazy Man fight.  A mentally disturbed boyfriend sitting in the next booth  put his girlfriend in a headlock. Two patron angels stood and fixed this situation. Six police came in and arrested Mr. CrazyMan. That was the back story. 

Fight, Fight, Fight---Denny's Night Fight
Funny part was German. Rod’s 11 year old step son, soft-spoken and calm demeanor, was the punch line to the story.  Iceman, my new nickname for him, kept calm while the rest of family was hysterical. Anesha screamed at Rod to help them. People were jumping over tables and booths to avoid flying silverware and dishes. IceMan had the wherewithal to calmly pick up his plateful of spaghetti, keep an eye on the fight, fork in hand-- and still feed himself while getting out of the way of the restaurant tussle which was inches away. The rest of the family left their food on table. Calmness, I’m calling German, IceMan. Funny part was the family wondering why they didn’t get their food free since it got cold waiting for the fight to finish. Guess, the manager could have said, “Well, your son kept eating. Why didn’t you do the same?” Damn it! German, you mess up everything. Can’t even panic right. Bet they’ll expect a tip.  

Secrets Learned
It was learning cousins John and Antoinette were on a few TV episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 and Boy Meets Girl. It was my story of grinding on femme while dancing on the tables at Bel Air Bar and Grill. It was the ghost stories at the National Cemetery. It was the crashing-seashell-chandelier-and-the-standup-5 ft- lamp-almost-killed-Antoinette-while-we-playing-Nintendo story. It was educating my cousins the physiology of rigor mortis. It was our collective personal experiences with spirits and apparitions.

Dead Again. . .

It was helping Rod recall the circumstances how our Nanay’s death.  In parts of the Philippines, it’s tradition to have the deceased family member’s body stay in the house a few days so the spirit can take care of business before passing on. You see our Nanay’s sister died twice in a week. Yeah, twice. During a vigil, Nanay was watching over her deceased sister in her casket. All of sudden, a grumbling came out of her dead sister mouth. Nanay’s sister sat up in the funeral casket and asked for water.  Nanay had a heart attack. Both sister passed later in the week. Seriously, Nanay’s sister came back to life after being pronounced dead. We speculated she needed company.

Solicitation Is Against the Law
 It was laughing at Anesha vomiting off the side of the road. It was our fear of being arrested.  Black and whites cruised the streets of Hollywood. We thought the police would bring us in the pokey for soliciting some pokey. From an outside view, it looked like we were picking up a working girl in in the middle of a Hollywood night. There were a few street-walkers on the track tonight. (IceBerg Slim, if you know) It was Krispy Kreme hats. It was weekend plans to initiate Mitchell and Nayr for their first lap dance.

Okay, I'm Done
Can’t tell you how good a day (and night) it was. Love, life, fighting, hookers, lap dances, cemeteries, vomit, dancing, resurrections, sightseeing, Krispy Kreme, Ribs, Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffle (Hollywood sucks BTW), ghost stories, road trips, Beverly Hills 90210, Morgue,  good eats, warm fire, Buddha head—It was everything. It was my birthday gift before my birthday. Today was a good day. . .

Just Waking Up In the Morning Gotta thank . . .Big Smile (Part 1 of 2)

Did not get much sleep last night. Can’t tell you how happy that made me feel. Got home in bed at 2:30 am. My adventure started in the Antelope Valley to Del Amo/ Torrance to Burbank to Bel Air to Pasadena and then back home. It was great. Saw Hana Sushi. Saw the National Cemetary. Saw the 6967. Saw the bar of Yes Man. Drove the green, green mountains of highway 14. What was the greatest part of the entire adventure, it was seeing family.

Left late afternoon around 3:30 from Palmdale. It was late, in that, I had much commuter traffic to go deal with. Everyone would be getting off work and would make the 405 a parking lot. Yet, this day was different. After logging many wasted hours sitting on the freeway, I knew the battle ahead. For some reason,  the roads parted from Palmdale on ramp to the Crenshaw Blvd exit. Got there an hour earlier than planned. Had time to just take it in and say my thanks to the Big Smile. Took to amazing pics, too.

Birthday Wishes Come Early
You know its my birthday in two days. Got my gift a couple days earlier than expected. Got a birthday wish from a beautiful high school friend I went on a dance with. Got another birthday message from a Vampire Wars friend. (I promise to return thank yous after I finishing typing these magical moments)

My gift was seeing my second cousin’s 5th Birthday. It was pretty awesome. A new family. Kids had a birthday habit (genetics, I guess). I had the same issue. We knew cakes felt lonely. Birthday cake is just sitting on the table not being appreciated. . .well,  you got to appreciate. Its lonely. So much activity all around. Kids playing with toys. Family cooking. Laughing, smiling, and the cake gets nothing. Kids are in tune to unhappy vibes of the cake. Well, they want to show love so, kids take swipes of the frosting. Yummm. Inexperience. They need someone to show them the way. Lucky for them I was there to show the way. 

Cake Taster, Birthday Boy's Responsibility
Kids don’t take fingers swipes at the top of the cake. You take it at the bottom. On the sides. Take swipes where no one can see cake divots. The obligatory pictures and Birthday song time are simply too long. Sugar bliss right there, come on. Patience is a virtue; however, one can always for Forgiveness. Cakes want to be eaten. Kids want to eat cake. One can only guess outcome. Plus, there is an unsaid birthday celebrant's responsibility. Who checks the cake is up to birthday standards? It is the responsibility of the celebrant. Don't forget, its his damn party. What are you going to do not eat the cake? Are you not going to sing him birthday? Come on. It his duty to make sure the cake is good. If not, let’s just call the whole thing off. Enough said about that.

Beautiful Home Filled With Love
Went to a beautiful home. With beautiful family, with lots and lots of family and friends. People I never knew until a few days back. You see, I hardly know anyone on my late father’s side. Chelle was gracious to invite her to home to celebrate her son’s birthday. There has been a calling for me to learn more about my Dad's side of the family. I am glad I went. It was incredible. Not only was the eats great. I mean great. No, I mean outstanding. Ribs perfect. Grilled eggplant and peppers. Suvaki--just delicious. Her husband is Greek and manages a Greek restaurant. You know the food was outstanding.

The whole time was full of love. Lots and lots. . .lots of Love. So many things revealed. So many questions answered by a glorious trip.  First, one was greeted by yips and yaps of the furry three. Tiny. Reminds me of Tina, my fearless Chihuahua that loves swimming with the ducks. Smiling hand-sized dogs. The door opened and I was greeted by a  great big smile and warm loving hug. It was cousin Michelle. It was . . .Home.

Don’t get me wrong I love my family. It was different. Kind of like chocolate. I mean there’s three musketeers. The Twix. Hershey Kiss. Its just a new flavor the family of Chocolate. It felt, smelt, tasted, looked, and sounded like. . .Home. Could’ve burst into tears. Just not the guy thing to do. Inside. It was something.  If you ever watch the movie Joy Luck Club at the end, it was like that.It’s just its been a whole lifetime. More than a quarter of decade since I seen Chelle. What I remember Chell, she was the short, skinny girl that Dolph and Robert picked on.  “Cuz” was what she called me. Awesome. Great ear to ear smile. Her presence just fills the room.

Husband a strong, good man. Ex-Judo guy. I've seen his type at Gold's Gym before. Body builder-type. Walks with an air of confidence and strength. He has "If I want to kick your ass air, I love family deeply and I know how to get shit done" air about him. I love that. Well, their home was filled with toys in the living room. The kids were playing, watching Sponge Bob (My favorite). My cousins. Cool. These strangers were part of me. A part I never knew. They were my family, too.  My Dad’s family. Best way I can describe it was like this. When I schooled in Boston for college, coming off the airplane and seeing Mom and Dad smiling and waiting in the airport terminal after more than year away. It was that feeling. A connection of who you are while you weren’t there. It’s a welcoming of old you and new you. It is the merging of all love then and all the love now and love in the future. Its all the important stuff in one single moment.

Stealing a line from the movie Star Trek Insurrection. "A person can live a whole lifetime in a moment in time."

Well, I’m sorry but I got to run. Wish I had more time to write. But, 800+ words , plus ten minutes to get where I need to go in five minutes time.

Harsh Words

Never have I felt so far. Read a few stories from a website Scribophile. My hopes were to improve my writing and get some criticism. Well, how can I put this?

Ouch.


Wheels Turning and I Am Under the Tire
No, I haven't joined yet. Reading what others have written; Yeah, I've got a ways to go. Much of the drive to write better came from Glitter. She started blog on her Myspace. She had few posts with a number of comments. Knew she was good. She won a few contests. She wrote for NYSplash. Seen her work on the website. Seen her picture with many luminaries. Read one post and I think she blasted me. Won't go into details, but my feelings are hurt. This could be imagined. This could be about someone else, yet, I suspect it could be me. (Names and business were changed)


No, Its Not You. . .Okay?
Whoa! It hurts because its probably true. Having your one-time friend say things that are unkind, but probably true. Ouch. If ever confronted she can deny it being me. Oh, another time. If we were closer, if we remained connected, if we were. . .well, that's another time. How much weight should I give this criticism if I am the subject of her rant? How much weight should I give since it was another time, another me, another another. Maybe this Gremlin manifesting itself, again? Maybe it is working its spell to give me self-doubt and self-loathing?

Perhaps, this is how it starts? A short sentence on Myspace, a harsh exchange with a loved one, or a public bashing caught on YouTube--All the shots on a person psyche? The words of a lost friend who shot you with honesty and personal feeling. Don't want to give it too much credence or power. Honesty can sting. Like a well placed shot to the eyes. Or it could be an upward strike to the nose that sends shards of broken nose bone up your frontal lobe? Blinded or dead. Choice is how to take this blow. These are the voices can cause lifelong pain.


Mean Words Are Funny, But They Hurt
Maybe, its my roosters coming home. I was once the verbal assailant to an old friend. Exchanges of middle schoolers can be worse than a UFC match. "Mr. V is so fat when he goes to beach, Animal Rights people try to push him in the water. Mr V is so big satellites start to orbit him. "Mr B is so Big when he sits around the house, He sits AROUND the house. Mr. V's teeth are so yellow, when he smiles, cars start to slow down." Aaahhh. I was so wrong. I was so mean. I was so stupid. Words hurt.

If what I am feeling is a just a tiny percentage of the psychic damage I caused Mr. V, then shame on me. Never wanted to hurt one's feelings like that. Nothing scarring for life. Just wanted a good laugh. Alpha male thing. Hahahaha. Jokes on me. I am an ass. Such damage. This constant barrage can leave one psychically F*%ked, Sorry, V.


Greeks Had It Right: Psyhce Means Soul
Well, I've been having a thing with Voices lately. Words can be worse than giving nunchucks to a kid. Read a book mythology. As a one-time psychology major, the word Psyche stood out. It was my understanding that Psychology meant the studying of the mind. In Greek and Roman mythology, Psyche was the offspring of  one of the Greek Gods. The Greeks meant Psyche to mean the "Soul." This realization troubled me.  What brought the light to me was that this study of the mind was really a study of the soul. The mean words we say can have a dramatic effect on one's soul, one's character, one's emotional makeup.Good positive words of encouragement can make a world of difference; while the latter, well, too often we know the consequences of sharp words.

Pow Sandwich

Learned sandwich approach from the Great Pow, Management guru extraordinaire. Peter Drucker, you've got nothing on Pow. When giving sandwich criticism, say one good thing you liked, then specific correct BEHAVIOR you would like to see, then give another shot of praise. One needs to be specific and when I say BEHAVIOR it means the behavior, not the person. Person needs feedback. Trust me writing a blog, people need feedback. Ideally, its positive. However in my case with Glitter. It was fair, harsh, a bit truthful, yet her opinion. One can take it with a grain of salt and go in denial. Or one can stay and wallow in hurtful words. One can learn take what one says to heart, and move on. Well, I've done the first two, guess I'll try option three.

Ask It, Got To Give It
Need to do some work before I throw my hat in the Scribophile. No Guts, No Glory. Got to burn away the fat. It will be my crucible. Let's see what sterner stuff I'm made of. If I'm going to say I blog, I need to strap on a pair.  As for Mr. V, I'm an Ass. Sorry. As for Glitter, You weren't so nice. I thank you for sharing how you felt. By the way, F**k You. I Forgive You, too. If one's wants Forgiveness, then one needs to give it I still love you both, Mr. V and Glitter. No Hate In My Heart. Only got room for Love.

Someday I'm Gonna Be Free. Someday I'm Gonna Find My Rhythm

"Can Anybody find me somebody to love? Each morning I get up, I die a little Can't barely stand on my feet. . ."--Queen

Sunday morning, sitting in my car watching the sunrise. Sitting in my Lancaster Park place. Disappointed there are no Hot Air Balloons rising. Where have all the romantics gone? I mean morning sunrise, hot air balloons. Aaah!!! Another time, I guess. Listening to George Michael's version of "Somebody to Love" My cousin Chris posted on Facebook where can he and his beau get some oysters. It brought a smile to my face. Woo-ing is still alive.


I work (He works hard) every day of my life
I work 'till I ache my bones
At the end (At the end of the day) I take home (Goes home) my hard earned pay all on my own
(Goes home on his own)
I get down (Down) on my knees (Knees) and I start to pray (Praise the lord) 

Friday morning went to Pathology. Saw a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Pink Roses and some baby' breath. Amongst the glass slides and requisition papers, there stood proudly, a beautiful spread of pink and green. It brought life to the the black, glossy counter. Ah, Delightful. It made my heart beat a bit happier. I asked Potter, the receiver of this token of love, what her and her loved one had plans for Cupid Day. She said dinner and some time painting in the mall somewhere. Another smile to my heart. I asked another co-worker what her plans were. Nothing. Her shoulder hunched. I can relate. I'm sure a few of you can.

There's a difference between lonely and being alone. Always been comfortable with my own company, but I can't help think of line from a movie, the name escapes me. "Remember the Best times of your life. You weren't alone, were you? . . .Life is just better with company." I know I butchered it, but couldn't remember where it came from. Gist, we walk alone sometimes. Sometimes, if we are lucky, We walk as couple. (2010 Rose Parade, Pepe Le Peux)

They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe (He's got nobody left to believe) 

A close relative spoke of intentions of going to Cirque. Her voice was abound in anticipation. Unfortunately, as Sunday was coming, I asked her again about the du Soleil. She answered a heavy No. Oooohhh. That supposed to be me exhaling, in a consoling breath. I feel her disappointment for her disappointment. Breaking someone's heart. . .No, its more letting them down is never pleasant. Seeing her shoulders hunched and head down. It reminds me of my nephew whenever he doesn't get to play Super Mario Wii.

Speaking with Potter. I reminisced that, "For one year, I gave the love of my life a flower every single day." Big bouquets on the big days, valentines, anniversary, birthday, Ground Hogs, you know the major ones. Other times it was just a small white carnation, spray painted with blue. Other times it was whatever I can pick from my garden or my girlfriend's neighbor's garden. Stopped getting flowers when we parted. Occasionally, I picked some up for my belle at the time, but it was never quite the same. The romantic me just didn't have the same luster.

For awhile, the only reason I was going to the flower shop were for funerals. Depressing, I know. Yet, the smell of the fresh cut flowers. The cold of the walk-in refrigerator. The Happy silver, mylar balloons. So bright, so green. I loved flower shops. Well, it reminded me of Love. Despite, going to the shop for a wake or a funeral*, it still brought back fine memories. A time of True Love. Funerals are  still of time of Love.

(Ooh lord) Oh Somebody, ooh (Somebody)
Anybody find me somebody to love? (Anybody find me someone to love? )
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing)

On a few occasions, when taking one out to dinner, and the occasional lady with baskets of roses would stop by. I would respectfully shake my head, no. I'd see Angelo again, that same slumping of the shoulder and the head lean downward a bit. I know that it was . . .a bit heartbreaking, but. . .it wasn't the same. No more late 11:55pm  runs to Seven-eleven to get an overpriced rose. No more stopping by the Vons or Pavillions for the occasional Friday-night-before-we-go-out bouquet. No more looking behind my back, checking if my neighbor saw me cutting from her prize-winning garden. It just lost some luster. Maybe I am dead (inside) as my good friend once said. Perhaps, I lost the passion. I don't konw.

I mean after your soul mate. Well, everything just pales in comparison.

I'm ok, I'm alright (He's alright, he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (Yeah, yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, lord (One day I'm gonna be free, lord)


Well, No more words of wisdom. Just a smile and a sunrise. I hope you still feel the beating of your heart. I hope you still have your rhythm. Maybe, I'll get my rhythm back. Big Smile will provide when its time.

Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!
Find me, find me, find me love.


*nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14
Valentine's Day