217

Good Day. Only wish that Kevin and Dorian could have been there.

Made wishes at the fountain. Picked up the monkey like the post said. Watched Lions Dance.  Strolled around the Dog and had good bread. Didn’t drive and had some Silk. Walked a mile and rode for 10 Watched egg balancers and the Mamba beat the King. I was a witness. Had Prawns over steam and passed on Tommy’s. Got a text from the soul mate and listened to Earl. In bed and life has been very good to me. Got a picture and story posted on another’s website. Cut out the yearly forecasts from the three papers.

What more can I wish for.

Heard her say there is a Void inside. She lost her Mom.

Listened to the gossip. Didn’t take part in the spread. Kind agree with the analysis, but I believe that its just a part. If they are uncomfortable, just defriend. It’s a  façade. Overcompensating  for insufficiency. I do it, too.

Perhaps, it jealousy.  Perhaps,  its projecting.

Heard pretty one went home to see her Kids. What could have been!

Only driving I did was to 24 Hour and home. Got to find balance with all the good. Food was succulent. Fisherman’s Omelette and the Sizzling Rice Soup. Now I feel my eyes putting on some weight Tv is off and listening to Athair Ar Nearmh. Body and mind is winding down for the night

Big Smile thank you for this good day. Thank you for this good life. 

deux dix-six

Messages we leave for others to read, why? People who read may not understand it. Letters may be faded away through time. Weathered here. Weathered there and missing letters will change the whole meaning. An earthquake may cause rocks to slide, covering very important details.

A picture of a butterfly? The unfinished pyramid of the dollar? Shamrock? Gorilla? A Dragon? A Cobra? Skull and Cross Bones? What is the significance? What are the mountain carvings tell us?

We are just drivers on the road with mere milliseconds to receive the message, translate it, and determine how to respond. This is what happened months ago. Driving on the side of the road on Highway 23, passing Grimes Canyon road. I saw the carving on the wall, "We Miss U Jenna" 

The weather has made its marking. Cutting the mountain sides.

Slices remind me of Zion.

Carvings remind me of Nazca.

Months passed and that feeling came again. I was afraid. Afraid that if I did not come back, I would never go back. Had that chance to go on that journey before. But I let it pass me by. Always felt that there was time to go back. I have regretted it forever. Looking back. . .Looking now . . .I know a few who grew up without. They are strong and good people. Still, there is a void. This memory would haunt forever. As it should. In time, the pain will fade. Its the weathering that hurts.

Pulling over the side of the road, I was afraid of drivers getting distracted and swerving off the road. I was afraid there would be an accident and somehow someone would get hurt. I was afraid that the loose sand under my car was acting like quicksand. Car was not getting traction. I was afraid I would get stuck. There has been so much I have missed. Not trying. . .Well, I would rather be buried under the rubble. Its a risk worth taking. Just pull over and let my Angel guard me.

What the carvings meant to me is that was an attempt to immortalize right now. It was to mark a moment when people were in Love. It was moment to remember loved one that have gone on. It was mark for all to see as the drive on by. It was message for the future. Like graffiti on the wall. Like a tattoo on the arm. Like a blog post on the world wide web. Like a monkey in Peru.

2013 It is the year of the Water Snake. A time of change. Year of the water snake 2013

In time, all this we be erased. It will be weathered through time. Like Lent, we must be reminded. From dust we came. From dust, we return. In the meantime, it is our duty to remember. Not for us, but for them. This may be futile and ridiculous, but this drama. This drama is the fun part. It is why we leave home. Its for the adventure. Who we are is simple. It is the choices we make and how we choose to leave our mark on the world.

deux quinze

Clippers beat the Lakers. No surprise. They have been on a tear. Just got the text to make sure.

This changing of the guards in the City of Angels has been difficult and exciting. Purple and Gold has been bleeding. It sucks. After such promise at the beginning of the season. After such a storied history of success. Now the talks are of possibly making it to the playoffs. What happened? Watching the Clippers being considered the best in the NBA. Having Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and the rest of Lob City just do amazing work. This all feels like this year's Super Bowl. Brothers battling on the biggest stage. Harbaughs coaching the Ravens and Forty Niners.

This transition. . .Letting one part go and allowing another to strive. Its like two dynasties fighting for the place in the history. Decades of being Head of the Class. Decades of being Runt of the Litter. Identities defined and Identities destroyed.

Holding on to traits. . .to beliefs. . .to traditions.

In this evolutionary struggle, there must be variations manifesting. Traits, oddities, mutations that provide competitive advantages over others. World is not static. The environment changes. The objects in this environment changes. This dynamic river keeps pushing the boundaries of the ever-changing landscape. There must be something different. . .something more. . .something that will allow excellence and propagation of these differences.

Had written a very different post this morning. It was about a dream. Troubling but revealing dream.

It starts here. A thought. An Idea. A Dream. A Belief. Action, then Behavior. Before Too Long it becomes a Tradition. In Time it May Become a Legacy than a Dynasty.

Its getting late and my eyes are getting heavy. Going to dream soon.

二 十三 èr shí­ sān

Eyes heavy so I will be writing a short read.

My head was marked with ashes this morning. From dust we came, from dust we return. Not sure of the significance with the Palm leaves, but I will leave for you to discover. Another time. Got up at five this morning to go to early Mass. I was surprised at the turn out. Would have taken pictures, but that would have been too awkward. Still, it was nice to see I wasn't the only one there.

Night before Precie asked me to get some ashes for Lent. She doesn't go to church so I thought this was a big deal for her to ask. Moreover, didn't know she knew when Lent was. Being her Godfather, I would of course get it for her. Last couple years it has not been a problem. However, this morning it was. Kind upset that the person said, "No" when I asked for ashes for Precie. I knew he was lying when he said there was none to give. He said she can attend to the other Mass services in the day. Since she has school and practice until late, it is unlikely she would go. Truly, Sam was an Ass.

Really wanted to erupt. I let it go and I asked a family friend to get me some. She helps regularly with the service. She was going to ask Sam, the person that said, "No" earlier, I was in a hurry and wanted to yell at the guy. However, the Angel tapped my shoulder. Still pissed I looked up in You Version, the IPhone Bible app what would be an appropriate quote if the person said, "No" again.

I mean, "Why?" It is understandable that one does not want to give ashes willy nilly. It is supposed to be a sacrifice for one receive ashes. If the person can't take time out of their day to at least to come to Mass, than they should not get the ashes. This didn't feel right. Played the scenario a hundred ways, then I let it go. Just needed to think of water in fountain and let this Flow.

I forgot the most basic rule. It was my fault. All these colored lights and it phased me. Didn't see the forest because of the trees. First mistake, just didn't connect with the person.  I didn't apply. WIIFM. Simply means What Is It For Me, this is a cardinal rule. Give the person value, show he has worth. There was some preconceptions I had of Sam. He always looks incredibly serious. Hardly ever smiles. Just get no color from him. He seems muted. I get a reformed gang member/ ex con vibe. However, so I pondered how to adjust my behavior for the next encounter later in the day. Had it in my heart, Going to get Precie some Divine dust.

One rule for sales, go for at least seven No's. First no, that is simply warm up. Got to drop subtle hints. Get the person acclimated to say, Yes. Little things one picks up through the years. He will break before I will. Big Smile's on my side on this one. Its Lent.

Still, I had to keep in my heart, Luke 11:9. "and I say unto you, Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and it shall be opened to you." This was the nice way and I hoped not go here, but I gots my Luke 11:11 down, too. If this guy was going asshole mode, it was "If a son ask bread of any of you that is a father will he give him a stone? Or if he ask for a fish give him a serpent?"

At the noon session I returned, hoping that getting Precie's ashes without incident. Yet, I was ready to switch to asshole mode. Didn't want to work myself up and cause incident. As I was walking up to the office, there was few people walking with these take home packets of ashes. It was Sam again. I asked for the ashes. Not sure if he remembered it was me that said earlier this morning, he went and got the ashes without incident. However, I got the vibe he did know it was me, but I left it. The thought did enter my head briefly. Put him on Blast. SPLASH. Asked why couldn't you give me this ashes in the fucking morning asshole. Thank goodness it was briefly left my mind. It was the Angel tapping again.

What happened between the morning session and the afternoon, I had a conversation Joyce, We talked and she reminded that we just got a give people a chance to come correct. Maybe they had a bad moment. Perhaps, their default software is to be angry they may not realize they are being a dick Maybe it was my tone or maybe I was being a horse's ass. We talked for a bit and it made me realize that I knew how to resolve situations. Admittedly, I was a bit awestruck by the behavior, it threw me off my game. Its okay to fall, just got to get back up. People make mistakes and giving a person another chance, well, that is what forgiveness is about. Can't look at the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. There is always more to it.

Not sure about the forgive and forget as tried and true maxim. However, this Forgiving, at times, it simply more your sake than theirs. The other person's anger and attitude is not something one needs to take ownership. Its their stuff and they need to work it out. Can't let it mess with my attitude. At times, it may your duty to let them know their attitude needs to be adjusted. However, take caution with this. Knowing when and where to put a person in check is skill that takes some mastering. It is a ride that we need to enjoy,

Now that is off my chest. I will be reflect and have Sam in my prayers. Sorry, longer than originally planned.

dos doce

Deactivated my Facebook account more than a month ago. Wanted to see that I could do it. Did it before and I wanted to see that I could do it again. Reactivated earlier today and than deactivated shortly after. Found a picture I had on someone else’s post. I put on an another site and I think my cousin showed that I posted it. I forgot to tell them I had this picture so it was surprising to see it up. There was some drama I wanted to get away from, too. Also, I got defriended by someone important which hurt. I ensued blocked a few old friends. Got the vibe that it was time to shut these doors for the next life time. I’m afraid that it ran its course. The decisions I made long ago, well, can’t step in the same river twice.

So tomorrow is Lent and she asked me to bring some ashes I will. Its important, because she asked. I’m her Godfather and that is what we do . They ask and that is enough.

Finished reading the New Testament a couple days ago. I need to finish the Pentateuch and the few books of the Old Testament. Most of them have chapter of 25 plus. Proverbs or Psalms has around 150.  Not sure I am going to make my personal deadline. But I will push.

Couple disturbing happened. Biggest was the IOC will dump wrestling from the 2020 Olympics. Can’t tell you how troubling this is. This stalwart, this foundational sport is getting nixed while bullshit sports like Pentathlon and equestrian is going to stay. Gold, come on. What kind of secret ballot BS is the IOC going through. Signed a petition to the White House to have President  do something about it. Not going to list reason to why this elimination is incredibly stupid

Also the manhunt for that Dornan guy in Big Bear may have come to an end.

There was also the President’s State of the Union tonight, too. Lots said and lots worth doing.

Worldly things and personal things happened today. Lots significant and insignificant events happen everyday. In the scheme of things, it mean nothing and it means everything.  I am reminded of the scene from Kingdom of Heaven. Balian of Ibelin: What is Jerusalem worth? Saladin: Nothing. [walks away] Saladin: Everything!

In our lives we pretend to believe that we do and has purpose then somewhere along the way we find that this might not be the case. However, it may mean Everything. Our lives of going to school, work, marrying your sweetheart, and dying. It seems very mundane an antlike existence; however, whether we rationalize our behavior and make it grander than what it really is, it is hard to imagine that is nothing more than vanity to think that its more than what it is. Our place in the universe. Still.

Ecclesiastes 1: 1-11 The Vanity of Life

1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.

2 “Vanity[a] of vanities,” says the Preacher; “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.”

3 What profit has a man from all his labor In which he toils under the sun?

4 One generation passes away, and another generation comes; But the earth abides forever.

5 The sun also rises, and the sun goes down, And hastens to the place where it arose.

6 The wind goes toward the south, And turns around to the north; The wind whirls about continually, And comes again on its circuit.

7 All the rivers run into the sea, Yet the sea is not full; To the place from which the rivers come,

There they return again.

8 All things are full of labor; Man cannot express it.

The eye is not satisfied with seeing, Nor the ear filled with hearing.

9 That which has been is what will be,That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which it may be said, “See, this is new”? It has already been in ancient times before us.

11 There is no remembrance of former things, Nor will there be any remembrance of things that are to come By those who will come after.

In the end, it means nothing . In the end, it means everything. Activate or deactivate your Facebook account. Keep wrestling, keep wrestling, keep wrestling or lose Olympics. State of the Union, Find the Truth about the manhunt. All it means nothing. All it means everything. Your life and the effect on the world means nothing. It means everything. 

211

Her name fits. Grace.

Couple days ago and I needed to leave the service. Years later and she still touches me. I am reminded that I was blessed. Truly blessed. Actually, I am still blessed.  

Stupid, too. What can I say, Just really stupid. C’est la vie. Lesson learned. Got to leave it in God’s hands. Trust there is a bigger picture. Forced myself not to look. She's just too pretty. 

Okay, that is enough with that. Got to turn the corner.

Trying not to spend too much time in the past. It is not too healthy. Learning from the past is fine. Not making the same mistakes. Finding courage and reflecting back when I just jumped and let the consequences fall where they may. Living in the past contends that the circumstance remain static. Life is constant change. Its a river. As I navigate my journey now, I am more deliberate. With my thoughts, with my beliefs, with words, with with my actions. Where I want to go, how I want to get there, and when I choose to pause--these are the sails I that will guide my time.

He said, find out what one loves. Look at where they spend their time. Can’t disagree with this logic. What one spend times on. Writing, running, spending time with family and friends. Looking back and looking now. Just been my thing taking time to reflect and getting thoughts to paper. Trying to get my soul stronger and just being right in the world. Being a joiner is not my thing. Had to force myself to be outgoing. Run for office. Join a frat. Play sports.

Now years later, I find myself still following my own compass. Wish things could have been different with a few things. However, I must live with the decisions I have made and be okay with that. Can’t step in the  same river no matter how hard I try. Just got to remember its okay to fall. Might be funny.

He asked do I think he will get married? I said, “Of course. Just waiting on the right one.” Not positive if I said that out of Truth or out of not wanting to hurt his feelings. Honestly, I did not think too much. I’d like to think my first reaction was my best reaction. No hesitancy. 

Been reading the King James Version and this quote was read aloud at the funeral. Ecclesiastes 3, "There is a time for everything. . ." There is more and given the chance one should give it a brief read. Can't help but believe this is where I am right now. All things must have an entrance. All things must have exit, too.  Need to ready for beginning and ends. And Heart the Stuff in the middle.

At the service, could not help but wonder what people would say when I passed. Hearing Grace speak, listening to the arm wrestling story with her Nanay and crabs crawling in the kitchen. Listening about her cousin's bike story from WalMart, the tremor in his voice. Hearing oldest cousin story of being first and life lessons his Nanay taught her. These stories of Eugenia made people smile and cry. 

I wonder who would say these things about me. Its been a long standing bucket list of mine to write my obituary again. Wrote one before and seemed far fetched. Achievable. Matthew 19:26. Now, I am not so sure what to write now. The pages of my life feels a little blank right now. Chapters of my story has taken a turn these last few and I am at pause with the pages coming next.

So I wonder what will be said about me when I am gone?