Arthurian Heuristic

Camelot 3000. Excalibur. King Arthur. Lady of the Lake. First Knight. Grail Quest. Chalice of Antioch. Once and Future King. A Paladin. Knights. Betrayer.Adulterer. Redemption. An Accident. A King. The King and The Land Are One. In Her Greatest Need, the King Will Return. Sorcerer. Uth Vas Veysus Dotheyl Dienve. Son of the devil. Teacher. Mentor. Son of LanceLot. Paladin. Finder of Holy Grail. Green Knight. Queen. Adulteress. Clan of Merlin. Avalon. Lady of the Lake. Healing Wounds. Round table. The Move at times is not move back, but forward. Percival. Squire. Knight. Sorcerer King. Sword In the Stone. Might is Right. Horse Rider. Liege. Elite Roman Soldiers.Mordred. Morganna Le Fey. Tristam & Isolde, Lancelot, King Arthur. Merlin. Galahad. Guenevere. --My Heuristic of the Arthurian Legend.

If you can think of any other sayings, one word names, adjectives, whatever--please post on comments

I had lunch with Master Yoda today

I had lunch with Master Yoda today. We ate at BJs today. Seriously, I had the salmon and minestrone soup. He had onion rings and chicken tenders.

Blue Light Commands Football
It’s true. He sat right next to me. Only 2 feet tall. Short hair. Green. A bundle of energy. Big ears. He swings a mean light saber. It was Yoda. I’m sorry. He corrected me, Master Yoda. He gives me a stern look.

Unfortunately, I was the unsuspecting victim of one his famed light saber attacks. I last recall a humming. Blacked out for moment. I heard a laugh. No. More of a giggle. A whirling tornado, he commands, “Football” as he points with blue Mattel light saber in hand to the big screen. Under his Jedi Mind Trick, I unconsciously grab the Dish Network control and acquiesce. Reluctantly. Damn it, I was deeply engaged in my favorite show! “Weeds” Season Four. It’s the last episode. Give me 10 more minutes. Ten, please and you can watch all that you want. I’ve been waiting all week to watch this episode. It’s not on again until 1am tonight. I need to wake up at 4 am tomorrow.

The strike to the back of head brings me back to the present (at the time) Damn, Yoda. Sorry, Master Yoda. He took me by surprise. Again. What’s more frustrating is to suffer a meaningless football that’s been replayed a millions of times on ESPN. It was a good game--three weeks ago. I know the ending. Two minutes left, the team intercepts the “Hail Mary” throw. Scores a touchdown on a double reverse, completes a 2-point conversion. Crowds from the stand rushes field. Exciting. Blah. Blah. Blah.

What Master Yoda doesn’t understand is the show I was watching was the Final episode—FINAL EPISODE. FINAL EPISODE. Readers, you understand. Maybe he does know and is trying to keep me unbalanced. It was the episode where Mary Louise Masterson’s drug cartel boyfriend, who is about to kill her and her family because she betrayed him to the DEA, that she is . . .” Whomp. Another strike to the head from the green alien. Damn, you green alien midget. Let me tell you, its frustrating. Damn, Jedi Mind trick. He got his football.

Back to lunch at BJs.
Master Yoda ducks under the table avoiding the reach of his would-be attackers, Luz and Kaelynn. Betrayers all of them. Mom and big sister are often the little Yoda’s adversaries. Always yelling “Stop” “ Don’t do this” “Don’t do that” “Change Diaper.” Young Master Yoda knows they are strengthening spirit. Frustrating for the one so young to have to yield to these parental and sibling demands. I could only imagine I was firtborn

Jump here. Kick there. Warrior Cry from somewhere. To all at the table, Yoda is an elusive one. His Football coach father likens Master Yoda to a famed USC running back Reggie Bush. He runs up the middle, escaping all tacklers. He blocks and dodges the many hands grabbing for him.

Jedi Mind Tricks, a la Master Yoda
To my surprise, the skilled big sister captures Master Yoda. Two arms holds our diminutive hero. He struggles. A light tap from the two foot warrior, yet Kaelynn lurches back as if struck by a World Champion Boxer Manny Pacquiao’s mighty left hook. It’s the Force. Its gotta to be. Kaelynn grabs the side of her face. She yelps. Her tooth is loose. Its true. Her right incisor wiggled. Maybe its from a prior engagement with battled-tested warrior. Maybe its because she fell of the balance beam in gymnastics. It was just a glancing blow, a tap from 28 lb green dynamo. Fact: Kaelynn’s tooth is loose. Who knows with the ways of the Force?

Master Yoda cares not. With a stern tone, the little giant commands his older sister to draw a picture. Kaelynn unwillingly reaches for the paper and cardboard box. She grabs the triangle box wielding four colored waxy utensils. She looks up at the two foot giant. He gives her a stern look and points to the blank paper. Ah, the ways of the Force and his Jedi Mind tricks are impressive. Green crayola in hand, she draws. Not a very impressive picture. It would fit in stick figures category. Big Sister is no Renaissance artist. Artwork in hand, Master Yoda pauses. As if looking over La Giaconde* for the first time, the green dynamo smiles with approval. *Look it up.

Master Yoda turns to the table and grabs the green stalk. Waving it like a seasoned katana-wielding samurai warrior, the others at the table are hypnotized. Practiced katas Master Yoda performs for his audience. Fluid are his movements. Graceful—Master Yoda reminds me of a great Bushido readying for battle. He tests the cellulose stalk. It’s weight and balance are. . .perfect. Again, the tiny warrior smiles. I hear a hum. I wince instinctively preparing for another hit to back of the head.

Anyways, the green six inch sword in hand, he readies himself for battle. In Sun Tzu fashion, he surveys his battlefield. Calculating his next move, what was it again, “If enemy is stronger, evade. If enemy and self are equal, battle” Wait. Like a mongoose ready to pounce the hooded king cobra, he mesmerizes everyone sitting at the wooden table. He looks deeply in the eyes of all: Luz (Mom), Aida (Grandmom), Kevin (Dad), and Kaelynn (Big Sister). He’s deciding which will be the target of fury.

Its Raining Ranch

A smiles flashes his face. A Berserker cry erupts. Oh, oh.In a green blur¸ he stabs. To everyone’s surprise, he strikes in the middle of the table. A downward thrust, its Excalibur in the stone again. A downpour of white rains over the table. In the middle of plate with tobacco-covered chicken wings, Master Yoda strikes. Again, Jedi training (Or is it Art of War) Strike where no one suspects. The green stalk pierces the white fluid in the sauce cup. It splashes. White droplets land all around. Shouts erupts, “Stop” “Stop you are making a mess.” You spilled the ranch on my DS.” Focused and present in the movement, Master Yoda is unmoved by their pleas. He stabs the white sauce again. Again. And Again.

Hands reach and eventually the Hot Wings plate is pulled away. He pauses and brings his green (now white polka-dotted) weapon to his nose. He takes a a deep whiff and takes a bite out of his sword. Master Yoda reviews the table, smiling at the carnage he inflicted. The family sighs in relief as the berserker rage has been abated. Who knows maybe he likes celery. At least he is eating his vegetable.

Big sister Kaelynn asks, the tiny warrior, “Hot Wings?” The green warrior with the football jersey shakes his head defiantly “No.” Oh, oh. Forehead wrinkled, eyebrows furrowed, teeth gritted—Master Yoda readies for the next battle. He says, “Hot. Yucky to mouth.” His words are so poignant. With a three-year-old simplicity, his wisdom speaks years of knowledge (well, perhaps months) Master Yoda is advanced for his age. Young Yoda uses the syntax of the Romance languages. Verb, then Predicate. Typical Jedi, he displays advanced mental abilities for one so young.

I Have Strong Kung Fu, er, I hope
Oh, Oh

Trouble ahead. Looks like it’s my turn to occupy the whirling derby that is Master Yoda . The rest of the family needs to eat. The waiter brings the full rack of sweet mesquite flavored baby back ribs to Kaelynn. Country fried chicken with garlic mashed potato for Kevin. Luz and Aida get fish. Beer batter fish and broiled salmon, respectively. My mouth waters. I hope my Kung Fu is strong enough for the charge ahead of me. Wait, wrong genre. I mean, I am a battle-tested babysitter. I survived many encounters with Yoda’s siblings, young acolytes Kaprece and Kaelynn. However, I must admit my Jedi training may not be be enough. He’s handful. In fabled Yoda-speak “Outmatched, be I may.” May the Force be with me. Well, at least long enough, for me take a bite out of my Pizzaokie.