Leaving Wrestling Shoes on the Mat

Kurt Warner retires.

Saying Goodbye is never easy. I hope in many ways it never will. Its late and blogging. What's wrong with me? Guess, I never really got comfortable when people left. Didn't want to show hurt when we parted ways. Connections lost. Energies draining. Looked back at early posts. Death, funerals, and cemeteries--Nice way to start, at the end. Still believe it was the right way to start. We know death is coming: Death of career, Death of lifestyle, Death of the mortal coil.

Every morning, take photograph of sunrise. Every evening, photo of sunset. With the Weather Channel app on my Blackberry, I take note of the exact time of sunrise and sunset. How much daylight do I get? I calculate how many hours and decide my day's choices. Sunrises sets the tone of the day. Sunsets gives me an account moments used. There comes an end. Two more days, and one twelfth of the year is gone. Energy abound in the morning. Energy wanes in the evening.

Chosen Few
Kaprece, Kaelyn, Angelo, Luz, and Kevin drove to San Diego this afternoon. Seeing how they have used the month brings me calm. Spent the day, blogging and feeding ducks. It brought me calm. It brought me purpose and a sense of accomplishment. No longer do I starve for approval by many. Now, its down to a handful. Simply, don't care anymore what everyone thinks. Just a chosen few.

Their Deaths, My New Life
My love for comics started before grade school. My Dad took me to comic conventions at the Ambassador Hotel. Gone now, like Dad. Used to draw pictures of Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I would cut them out and hang them on my ceiling. I loved looking at them overhead. However, my love for comics started in 1982 with a graphic novel. It was the Death of Captain Marvel authored and drawn by Jim Starlin. Rochelle passed around the same time. Rochelle and the comic character had the Decay, the Blackend--They had Cancer. The story helped. Both passing changed my life forever. I took risks, looked ahead, and never looked back. I was present.

Now, I follow my brother's lead. I take more pictures. It reminds me of the past, my memory booster. It reminds me not to look back. It is my gift to myself--my present to be present. Hopefully one day one other will accept these gifts.

Took a picture on San Diego beach. Its a surfer on his board, looking at the waves ahead about to crash. There's a quiet, calm determination in his stare. Waves crashing in seconds. He will be twisted, turned, rolled, beat up, beat down, rag-dolled. Yet with quiet assurance he will succeed. I could feel it hundreds of feet away.

". . .If One Has The Courage To Admit Them"--Bruce Lee
I think of Lawrence Taylor's monologue in Any Given Sunday, "A man must be proud of everything, on and off the field." Can't say I lived a life where I was proud of everything I did. I am trying to fix that. My "never look back" attitude has waned through the years. Last year, my travel--my adventure--my life journey direction ran its course. I needed a course correction, I got a big one.

Before I move on, I must leave things. Baggage, Belief, Bondage must be left behind. In the words of W.E.B. Du Bois, "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."

Pulled some quotes off the internet. Three speak loudly to me. "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."--Bruce Lee "My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them."--Bono "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting"--Buddha.

Kurt Wagner's Leaving Brings Me Back
Before rebirth, there must be retirement. My time is finite. Warner's retirement brings me to the realization that a journey of events run its course. It is time for a new course. Its time for new run. His career, his public declarations, his grace gives me inspiration. It gives me Hope.

Wagner's retirement reminds me of Rulon Gardner. Greco-Roman wrestler beat the unbeatable. He defeated the Hero of the Russian Federation--Alexander the Great--The Russian Bear. In the 2000 Olympics Gardner shocked the wrestling world defeating Russian Alexander Karelin, who was previously undefeated in 13 years of international competition. (Karelin went the last six years of his unbeaten streak without giving up a point.)

Despite this victory and it was memorable, it was his leaving that I remember most.

I Don't Remember Beating The Bear, Its Leaving The Shoes
Olympic Gold Medalist Rulon Gardner untying his laces, leaving his wrestling shoes on the mat, and then exiting tears in his eyes. It is an ancient wrestling ritual paying homage to the wrestling gods. It is a declaration to the world that he left everything on the mat. No regrets, no turning back.

Hope to do that one day. At my end, to leave my shoes on that mat. Can't yet. Still more to do. Admit my choices made, forgive others and myself, be the hero I believe that I need to be, my mission is forgive and recover. Before leaving this mortal coil, before I retiring in the sunset, before there is no more, I want to nothing left. No pain, no hurt, no regret, no hate. Leave everything. . .but Love

Starbucks, Jalapenos, and A Jehovah Witness

Been planning my day by where I can charge my laptop and how long will it last? Did not mean to start blogging so much, but there's much to say. Also, set up my day by the smell of Jalapeno peppers in my cars.

Car Stinks, Why Can't I Just Throw It Away? You see, been practicing the flow more often. Taking chance coincidences more as a messages to do and be places that I would not normally not go. No, not the like the feather of Forrest Gump, but yeah more like the feather of Forest Gump. It has been working. No, I do not espouse being entirely care-free and just wait and waste your life away. I am choosing to just Flow.

I should explain where and when I am. Its almost noon and I sit drinking some Earl Grey, Captain Piccard's tea of choice. (Guess I am looking for Star Trek followers) Anyways, went over the Star Bucks on Avenue J, next to In-N-Out. Got out of LCH early, got stuff done quickly. In my car sat half of a Seafood 6 inch on my mid-console. Its felt like the gorilla in the room, that no one is talking about, but its presence is still there. I swear that I was going throw the smelly sub away, but something kept on saying, "Feed the birds" I threw the top part out on the lawn (I hope the birds get to it) Decided not to throw away, in case the ravens and finches weren't hungry.

There were many chances to dump this sandwich. Its Friday and the Waste Management picks up in the morning. There are green dumpsters up and down the street I considered using. Could have thrown it out of the window on the drive to Lancaster from Palmdale. On 70th Street East, a construction crew stopped traffic and I didn't want to get caught littering. Could have dropped it off at one of LCH many trash dispensers, but. . . This food, if not going to feed me, was going to feed some kind of animal. That decision was made.

Anyways, returned to my car and the Jalapeno smell just hits. I asked myself, "What I am doing??? There is no "F*&king birds around. Get rid of it." Then it hit, Apollo Park.

"Tina, Stop Chasing the Ducks" I Pleaded If you are not aware what Apollo Park is, it is a water reclamation park. (Funny story, I will blog some time later. I did not know at the time that its three man-made lakes were made to reclaim water. Many years back, my chihuahua Tina decided to go for a swim. Ducks were having so much fun, she on her own, decides to join and jump in Lake Aldrin. She did not know it was re-claimed water. I did not know at the time either. I thanked God, I don't swim with my mouth open. In my view, she's bowling ball small and was becoming bebe small as she kept on swimming. She did not look like she was coming back anytime soon. She may get tired and she's out there. . .and getting further out. "Buckets!!!" I scream in my head. Yeah, I played lifeguard. Guess, I won't tell you later)

Anyways, Apollo Park was where my Dad took us. Housed here is the capsule from one of the Apollo II Space mission. Its a nice oasis in the desert of the Antelope Valley. Brown, desert covered with tumbleweed and Joshua trees, then there is 26 acres of green landscaped parks with creosates and pinyon pines. Aldrin, Armstrong, and Collins are the names of the three inter-connected lakes with gaggle of geese and flock of ducks. Fishing tournaments are held here often.

If you ever watch that Honda Commercial where a group of friend drives over a patch of road and song is played. This is right in front of Apollo Park. They call it the Singing Road. Grooves in the road that causes the tires to sing when one drives over them. YouTube it. Imagine a player piano (aka, pianola or autopiano) but giant-sized. These are the self-playing piano, with perforated paper,and metal rolls. Perforated paper are the grooves in the road. Tires are the metal rolls. Honda Civic is the piano where the sound resonates.

LeeAnn, Car Delays May Be There For A Reason
(Inside Joke, Follower/Facebook Friend Post)Back to the Jalapeno smell. Considered going straight to Apollo Park, but I thought half a subway sandwich and my laptop is on two bars, maybe. Not worth it. I said, "Just, go." There it was, the answer. Mercardo Vallarta, its like a Vons Mexican style. No, more like a Pavillions Spanish-ized, if you know the difference. Got some bread and I headed out. Getting the bread forces me to go to Apollo Park. If I get in a groove, at Starbucks, I may not go. Damn, Ducks again. First Tina, now my car smells of Jalapeno peppers. I go to Starbucks charge my laptop, sync my Ipod for Nike+, and to journalize.

Starbucks is in the same parking lot. Decided not to take off my teal LCH Scrubs, too much effort. Opened the doors and I saw that my usual table, next to the outlet, had no seats. They were all taken by people dressed in their Sunday Best. Men wore Dillard jackets, paisley ties, and black leather shoes, (I think rockports). Ladies were Lane Bryant-ish. Thought it was a real estate sales meeting. Only one person in color out of ten. Or maybe it was a hospital certification board. One of the people seated looked like someone at LCH.

Anyways, got ready to set up. Sitting by the couch and coffee table I sat down. Laptop out. Ipod with connector cable in. Power chord plugged in. Journal out. Good, I was ready. All of the sudden, a fifty year old man starts talking. Dressed in a blue blazer, drinking his Venti coffee. It was to well-rehearsed and relaxed. He talking to me. Blue blazer asks me about the Hospital and when is LCH moving to the new Palmdale Regional. He's not a LCH administrator.

Looking into his eyes warmly, trying not to miss the magical moment of the encounter, I pause. Sizing him and determining how to respond is just automatic, I smile. He saw my teal scrub with LCH embroidered. Maybe he was just being cordial and just asking. He may be an Agency Certification Administrator with his staff testing me. Don't want to brush off. Don't want to offend. Maybe he is trying to sell me something. My warning lights come on. I know these chance encounters. I was in sales. He warms me up and says, he visited a friend in the LCH ER. I am naturally defensive to strangers approaching me out of the blue. We exchange small talk and ask what that meeting was.

Answer Revealed. I Shake My Head Inside and Smile It was a Jehovah Witness gathering. I smile inside. Did not know what to expect. He's going to try to close. I speak to him and say "Went to Catechism Inquiry and said I was not surprised at the encounter." His wife comes by and introduces herself. I try to get up, but I am weighed down with laptop, ipod, backpack, etc., "Joyce," she says. His name, Rob.

I feel nose tickle. A booger was coming out, Nice. I excuse myself. Thank you for the social faux pas. I grab a napkin, wipe nose, and get my bearings. Stalling,I ask the waitress for the Earl Grey ordered, but was not given. I return to my seat and setup, notice his cellphone in hand. (Common sales technique)Rob's smooth and practiced. Rob says, his associates had to leave. Step 5 in close, create urgency Good, did not have to make an excuse to extricate from the conversation. Close is coming next. Been there, done that. Did not want to be preached to. (I will bet money he is an insurance agent, car sale, or something in sales. I know the type. My Dad was one. I was one, at a time) Then he asks for the close, "Can I have your number so that we can maybe talk?" I hesitate, but decide to give it. Sales encounter is a true art. I can recognize and appreciate it, but I do not love it.

Big Smile, If You Didn't Get The Message . . .
The Jehovah crew leaves, I decide to sit at my usual table. Think to myself, "Bet Rob thinks he has a prospect. Probably saying that to his Jehovah crew, Possibilities are everywhere. . .That is how its done. God is everywhere." Okay, I don't Hate. A heavy set lady, textbook on the table corner, is deep in study a few feet away. A couple waiting for their order recognizes her and walks toward her. They exchange pleasantries. She says she teaches music and I catch ". . .Bible Study." I say to myself, "F-ing Jalapenos." I smile. I think of the many choices I had: Gym, Library, Barnes & Nobles, Los Angeles, Home. I show up at this place at this time. This juxtaposition in time and place. Approached by a Jehovah Witness. Sitting next to a lady doing Bible study.

I just shake my head. If you have been reading my posts lately, I think you will smile, too. At any rate, three more posts to go for January. By the way, just made a great trash can shot. My Ipod is synced, my car stinks of Jalapenos, and day old $1.99 bread rolls are waiting to feed ducks at Apollo Park.