What is this? Part 3

What Is This? Part 2

What Is This?

Thought this was a water spot. Maybe an airplane. Pictures before and afterwards had no other anomaly. Went to Grand Canyon and took a few pictures. Was cleaning them autocorrecting on Microsoft Picture Manager. Notice this white spot in the middle of blue sky

Its her birthday today

Its her birthday today. Actually couple days ago. I wrote this than.

I have seen her pictures and she looks happy. I pray this is true. Her boyfriend seems to be a good guy. His sister I know and she is good people.

We are de friended and this hurts. Wish it were different. Its . . .Its. . . It is what it is. Still I wish it wasn't so. Thought I would always have time to fix this. When I tried, all connection broke.  Don't blame her. Don't blame her mother. Its all me. Wish it were different.  Wish  I was a better person for her. 

There is a bigger plan This what I tell myself. Exchanged a few messages, but recently it is clear she does not want me in her life. Feeble, maybe? This is the third time this happened.  

She has a beautiful smile. Artistic, too. It would be wrong for me to force myself in her life. She is an adult now and its clear she does not want me in it. 

I know where she works. Should I go? Thought many times. Drove by, but I don't want to ruin her day by showing up unannounced and  where I am not welcome.  Is it cowardly? Maybe? When she writes she is not ready. I must respect this. She may never be ready. I will Trust in God for this. I am thankful, but wish it were different. Just defriended. This could be wishful thinking on my part. It may be delusional. It probably is.  

She has been provided for, this is all  can wish for. Started writing a long time hoping that she would want to know of me when I am gone.  Now, it is clear she doesn't.

But maybe? I will leave this in God's hands. I Trust in You.

In any event, Happy, Happy Birthday. I Love You

=

Caia Trip

Sharp words cut. I fell victim. I let it.Should have done better. Listened to a troubled woman, who uses barbs to scar family and friend. Knew she hurt those close to the point of abandonment. Fell prey to her games because the lies she used were unwarranted and full of self-loathing.

Should have let her words pass, but leaving things unsaid weighed too heavy. Her black hole forces drew me in. Like a universal drain circling the hole, I spun, spun, and spun. Her little games. . .I underestimated the strength of years of practiced quips. She is skilled in hurt. It is her lover.

I knew the better course. Let this petty, old woman live in her ever vapid universe. Alone.

She did not know me. Why let this stranger's word harm me? She has no power. No wisdom. No. . . Like a Black Hole she exist by being empty. Her hurt is ancient. Her portrait lifeless. Eyes are midnight. Still,  I let her venomous lies about my own, cloud my better judgment. Big Smile, sorry. I will do better.

My terrible tongue used rough words when the better course was to let this one wither.Should have trusted Faith to correct.  Her skin is too scarred and without sensation. No feelings, she's a shell. My words would do her no harm. Is this the only way she can feel? I knew the righteous path and still I spoke.  "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also" James 2:26. She is body without, and I did not do the work needed. It was wrong for me to say such things.

She draws attention because her center is void. This obsidian heart has no color. No Reds. No Oranges. No Yellows. No Greens. No Blues. She takes light and returns none. Her color is a reflection. Black.

I pray this emptiness will fill with Love soon. However, her history? She gravitates, pulling around her into deep, dark unfillable hole that is her. If she knew to get out of a hole, the first step is stop digging. I pray to be better if faced again with this scenario.

I pitied her once. Her own broke ties. Her children's children will know this.

Our encounter. She was defensive at first. Explaining this and that, Verify with this person and that one. Aren't your words good enough? Can't they stand on their own? She claimed false innocence. No one was accusing. However, heard stories and felt the charred pain from her cosmic wake. She darkened many stars. So I was opened-eyed and wary of games. Asked direct questions and then she acted coy. These games?!!! Asked again then she acted aggressive. Asked simple questions she claimed no responsibility. Doth protest too much!!!

Trying to ascertain where the meteor message had come from, her ellipse was off. She rotated this way saying she wanted fairness. Clumsy words. . .from one unaccustomed to stand straight. Off center and wobbling, she realized I would play no game. A simple open-ended question. What was her part? If any? What was her truth? She stumbled, begging than demanding to hear my point. This was not a debate. It was an inquiry. I gave none knowing she would reflect back what I wanted to hear. My hope was for the simple, untarnished truth. Light disinfects. Still she acted lunar. No atmosphere. No light. A moon just reflecting the truth. She offered no answers. No truth, No light.

She forgets that I asked a plain question. Let her truth, her story enlighten. It would disinfect all hurt and pain. It would manifest and everyone would be better.

Alas, Just blackness.  Hurtful things were said because this what she knows. Evidently  this all she knows.Thinking me the fool I did not fire this asteroid at her. It was her own that sent the truth crashing on her. She threatened gossip spreading of dead one, she tried to hurt a little boy that no longer scares, she claimed foul and says "Goodbye."

Striking I said you saying "Goodbye" does not end this. She can run. She can cry. Spread rumors of the dead, question the son's love, and be an accomplice to adultery--This will not end well. She is a cavity, a black hole. And she is being crushed by her gravity.

Shame on this person. I would forgive and correct child that acted this way. One would counsel and advise her on a better course of action. This one, she is old and leathery. Like a snake that has slithered to survive. Her constellation is in the stars. Wiggling this way and that way to legendary status of what not to be. She will remembered for her lunacy.  

Feigning innocence. It is her way. Demanding fairness is not a fair exchange when your reputation precedes. Protocol of kindness was offered, but when bad behavior ensues, Gloves are off. No quarter is given. Let the meteor shower.

Heard a term, TMA TMA TMA. Too Much Acting, Too Much Acting Too Much Acting.

She pretends to be more than what she is. A cosmic entity, yes. Not a star. Not a little sun. Not even a moon. A universal vacuum. Caia Trip, a constellation forever remembered for slithering. This no longer  evokes pity, just prayer. She is hollow. Darkness, hurt, and sadness cloak her and her words. It exudes ugliness. People scream to escape. She reaches out to others, struggling and scratching. Her barbs hurt because she has no moral center. She pulls for light for warmth. She cold. They abandon her orbit to escape her doom. Her blackness.

She is old and will pass. I will pray for her. Forgiveness, right now, this is for God, It will take me more time

Huntington Free Day

Sitting at the Pavillion of Three Friends. Smell of bok choi wafts n the air. Sun is beaming warmly. Lake is calm, while the kids run and play. Section is closed off, so I will need to take my pictures from a distance. A quiet day I think I will try my vow of silence for a day. 

Not sure if I will lunch here. May venture to Farmers Market. Blood sugar has been up so I think best to space more time between meals. Been feeling the need for some space. Not sure where its coming from just been losing myself

Learned of thing called a walk about. Just keep walking around until you find yourself. Its been some time since I visited the Blue Boy and the Guttenberg. Last time here I was racing around taking all the pictures  of the different gardens here in the Huntington. Blasting this way and that. Racing from the Rose to the Palm, from the Children's to Chinese, from the Conservatory to the Mausoeum.

Tried to appreciate each and everything, but the broad stroke was too tiring for my weakened heart. Won't pretend to see everything There is simply too much. Guess that is the beauty of this place.

Never been an art lover, but one can't just develop an  appreciation for everything here. Tried drinking in all the artwork and I found my preferences. 

                                                                                                                                   

All these people with these hefty cameras. Honestly, many don't look comfortable. Walking around trying to pose their family members and friends in an artificial image of happiness. The children look around where they can get run to. Some search for the koi. Others chase after the ducks. 

Its a beautiful day and I need to go soon. There still much day to use. There is more gardens to see and its been too long to not enjoy her.

Panera Moment

Day 2 of 365

Sitting in Panera, tapping away on my cool keyboard. Its a  blue tooth so it just rolls up. Take it anywhere with a hard surface and have at it.

Used it at the Rose Parade float viewing Scribbled away while listening to loud Indonesian music. Dancers were alright. Not the quality of dancers like the ones in Samara movie, but they were okay.

Yesterday at the Rose walked 4 miles. Lots of nice floats. Lots of people. I suspect it must be packed today. Flowers will not be as fresh, so going yesterday was a good idea. Sorry I missed hanging with family, but I suspect it was for the best.

Table next to me. Listening to lady talk to her mother now. It is a sad conversation. She is shipping her off. She wants to go live on her own. It is a bit sad.  She wants to send her to a convalescent home. It is going to happen whether the mother wants it or not.  

Daughter's body language is guarded. Her left arm is braced next to her side. She talks about meeting new friends, help with her memory, and other BS. It is one thing and maybe its not in my place. I don't know the conversation or her situation.

Maybe she knows her limitations. Maybe the Mom was not a good mom. Maybe. . .Under the table, the mother's legs is crossed. Her body is a good eight inches away from the table. Her arms are held tight. Back is rigid. The tone of the conversation is muted.

Daughter's arms crossed. She is leaning forward, but her gaze is looking up and away to the left. Plates and napkins are barriers. The mothers hands under the table are wringing. She leans back and posture is purely defensive. 

Enough of this intrusion. Their talks have turned to vacations and inheritance. This leakage is quite troublesome. How can you let someone take care of your parents in their declining years. The coldness of the daughter's voice is something I hope Karma will take care of.

Said a little prayer for her. Been trying to do more of this year.  Letting go and letting God.  There is a plan. I am relatively sure of this. Guess it will be revealed. 

These life things happen all around. I have taken to heart to just Flow.  Line is bigger now. Two cashiers up front. A person sitting next to me is listening to some Daughtry. If I had my headphones, I would be listening t something besides this New Age Panera music. Not saying its bad, it is just doesn't fit.

Just got a compliment about the keyboard. A seventy something lady with silver hair from the book club came over and just said, "Cool."

This part of my day is over.

Sierra Madre and New York

 Sierra Madre and New York—This is where I spent the day. From noon to five, I walked a good three miles up and down Pasadena High and the surrounding streets. Let me back up, woke up late this morning not sure what I would do. Maybe a family party? Maybe the Rose Parade? Maybe some time at Vromans?

Turned out to be float time. First time in forever, this morning I decided to watch some of the Rose Parade. Guess, these mini signals were just hinting. Last night Nanay said she was thinking about volunteering at the Rose Parade making floats. Than the next couple hours later, Luz said she wanted to work on the parade this year, but forgot. The Big Smile kept dropping hints. I got it. Guess, I'm a bit slow this year.

Used Auntie Sally’s car today. She stayed for the family party with Nanay. The idea of sitting,eating, and watching football is cool, but for the First day of the year just didn't feel right. There was an itch for something more and I needed to scratch. 

Many of the streets were cordoned off. Plus, the GPS was giving wrong directions. Didn't find the parking lots that I've used in the past. Took a long way around, far from normal. Last year, Shena, Sham, and Reana came with me to the 2012 Rose Parade. Paid $40 bucks. Years before it was $20 and $25. This year I got lost but later gratefully found. Found the Boy Scout Parking lot. This was the closest lot to the entrance. It didn't need the shuttle. It was three minute walk to the entrance. Moreover, it was only 10 ducats. Bonus!!! Definitely will be using this one from now on.

Anyways, this happy accident was what was needed. Some time away to be alone with my thoughts. No one to wait for and no none waiting for me wanting to go. Only time constraint was the park hours. Figured from one to five would be ample time to take pictures.

Turns out, it wasn't  Used the whole four hours. In a way it was fortunate that I ventured by myself. This road was a lonely one today. However, the Big Smile will provide. Went to the last night movies to get some space and an old school mate I facebook friended just happen to walk by while heading into the line. We sat next to each. She was with family and friend. It was a nice meld of company and space. Just hate feeling smothered at times. It is taxing for me. It may seem rude at times, but I need breathing room.  Share a  conversation here and there, but space is a premium.

Walking around it was nice to see. Worked on the floats a couple years back. It was for a bucket list thing. Cutting up some flowers and gluing them on the float, one grows a true appreciation of what it takes to make these floats. All the volunteers getting together to making some beautiful come to life.

Found myself transfixed a few floats this year. Kaiser’s Nursing float, the Thailand/ Indonesia float, and Cat and the Hat were some of my favorites. They were widely creative and wonderfully done. however, what won me over was the Korean War Soldiers float was my absolute favorite. A band of Warriors just wanting to survive and get home. It reminded me a bit of the Hobbit, the Unexpected Adventure from the night before. A band of dwarfs going through a bit of an Odyssey with the adventure seeking Bilbo Baggins.

Anyways, there is more, but here is where I will end. 1/365