Big Picture

A downed friend. What do you do?

Hospitalized, sick. Reminisce of better times. Ask the question what happened. Truth seems a. . . sketchy. We speak of inane unimportance. Not wanting to be preachy. Not wanting to delve deeper with making an emotional investment. Not wanting to step on fragile self-images and tell one to stand up. I've been where he's at.

Conversation is awkward. There was reason we weren't close. Time

Publish Post

passed and the journey we made together no longer brings joy and meaning in one’s life. Perhaps this is a test to move on. Perhaps this is a test for me to renew old friendships.

A tough balancing act. Its like meeting an ex. Time spent was good and had joy and purpose before. Simple enjoyment of being in one’s company sharing good times and memories.

Yet, there is thought in the back of the mind that there is a reason you are not together. Certain awkwardness in a failed, or changed relationship. Bumping to an old friend at a movie, you have lost touch with. Not a comfortable one. Yet, these moments of unease are. . .something. Not sure what to call it, but it is something. Found myself more comfortable writing on Facebook to some friends, then speaking to them in person.

"A self-believed projected image is what stopping me," I say. This is what I think you think of me and I like to keep that illusion in my head. Playing this story in one’s cinema of the mind. It’s not real. True. Yet, imagination is a powerful tool.

This is a bit self-deluded. In our own personal story, we are the stars. We forget that at times we are a side role. We at times a are major player. At times, we are a minor one.

This self-aggrandizing of being better is a bit deceptive. I don’t know. Perhaps this is all garbage?

An old friend I lost touch with hasn’t returned any messages. It feels that this is spreading with others. This has bothered me. What would we really have to say? How’s life? How are you doing? What have you been doing these past few years? Has too much time passed? Has too much river passed underneath this bridges?

I know there is joy and hope out there. I know there is meaning to this trial. Yes, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. But really, so what? This malaise is temporary. I know, but it sucks in the meantime. Picture is bigger than I can see at this juncture. I am not ready to see it now.

Asked this person if he had an Out of Body when he said he flat-lined. He said, “No.”

First Law of Thermodynamics states that “Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms. In any process in an isolated system, the total energy remains the same.”

We shift spectrum. Sometimes we are red, then orange, yellow, green, blue and indigo.Our wavelengths changes. We absorb the light energy and reflect back a certain color. Yes, this seems a bit alternative. For the moment, I will be okay with this.

Bird of feather flock together. Opposites attract—Not sure why this old friend manifested in my life, but I suspect there is meaning to this. Lesson for each one to learn. Trouble is learning what that message is. This exchange had purpose. It had meaning.

Perhaps, this chance encounter was to ready myself for unfinished business. Perhaps it was to give him Hope. Don’t know. We were friends long ago. Called him an “A-hole” sometime back. Firing this barb was uncalled for and limited. This is not nice and Karma is real.

Maybe as I free flow, this mystery encounter's meaning will be revealed. It had purpose for now and the future. It will all make sense at the end of this cycle. Glad that I went to see him. Facing this troubled soul I found that I could be him and then realized that I was him. 

There’s joy somewhere. We are made of sterner stuff. People fall all the time. It’s just getting back up, that's the hard stuff. Some people choose to stay down and continue their course of actions that has worked before. Now that circumstances have changed a course correction is needed. Well, this reminder of a "what if" has been played out. What is no longer working needs to be adjusted. Honesty and creativity I believe needs to be used here. These tools and steps will help see me through this.

Well, its time to keep the heart open and let the Big Smile guide me. Friend, door is open. Sorry for calling you an A-hole. I, too, was an A-hole. Maybe we'll get over this A-Hole disease together. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with. . . You know the rest. Guess, I will work on my own cliches. Be well.

Not Seeking. It Will Be Revealed

Where do I begin? Feeling troubled of late. Not sure if its me or if it is others. 

“Yesterday opened your eyes in many ways, the biggest of which was the fact that your current relationships need some tweaks. You may even be thinking that it's you, not the others, who need to make those changes. You've been thinking of little else since, and you're willing to put Stage One into operation yourself. Asking for help with Stages Two, Three, etc., certainly couldn't hurt and might be part of the solution.” My Aquarius Horoscope

This was my horoscope for the day. Actually tomorrow. Used to be an avid reader. Used to believe on getting a heads up for tomorrows adventure. Then I realize that I didn’t want to know the future. It took away from the excitement of living everyday as if it was your last. It took away because these generalization would be true whether I believed them or not. It was true in that I would do the opposite to make sure that these events the horoscope forecasted would not become true.

Learned of thing called self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believed certain events would happen, then consciously or unconsciously they would happen. Used to get déjà vu all the time. Got the feeling I’ve been here before all the time. The events of life moments seemed so familiar.

Well, I read the horoscope of the day before to see if what happened or not. I mean I still keep my birthday horoscope each year, but the power of horoscope once held no longer interest me. It seems a bit tired. I read once in awhile, but now no longer. They mystery of the day unfolding via the daily horoscope has passed.

Sure things of the future I am fascinated by. Walked by the New Age section of Barnes & Nobles and it was covered with 2012 stuff. Read stuff on Yahoo about the Sun being inactive and the next few years could be a turbulent times. Even picked up a dvd from the library about the rise and fall of Mayan and Incan civilization. They say that an increase of earthquakes would be signs of Armageddon ahead.

Perhaps my bout with Diabetes and CHF have made me get more spiritual. Seems a bit crappy I think. However, in my defense, I did not cry to God to help me because I had these illnesses. I did seek spiritual solace in my mistakes I’ve made. Found myself going to church weekly and daily. Visited churches and mission up and down the LA area. On my trip to SF, I wanted to visit all these missions. Started reading about Islam, Hinduism, Judaism. Still doing that now. Watched videos on Mormonism. Catholicism, and the such.

I attend church regularly, and I find that I thank the Big Smile more and more every day. Read snippets of many religious practices. More and more I read, I find myself wanting more. Learning more. Each religion I found very sensible and very uplifting. What I’ve been troubled is with a lot of the humanness and frailties that take the Word and distort the message by the messenger. Catholic priests and child abuse. Muslim terrorists and plots against Americanism. Christian zealots attacking same-sex marriages. It seems many conflicts and wars were religious based.

Live this way to reach Heaven, Nirvana, and so on. Live another way and you will go wherever.

I read that in “Everything You Need to Know About Judaism” book that Abraham as child destroyed all the statues in his father’s shop except the big one with a hammer. When his father asked, Abraham said that the big one destroyed the others. Here is where monotheism begins. In another book about Buddhism, it said that Brahman also believed in the monotheism centuries years before the Lamb of God and Prophet Muhammad. Vishnu, Brahma, Shiva were all facets of the same ultimate being.

Guess a little knowledge is dangerous. Guess, I am deadly. Lots of little knowledge here and there. Immerse myself in all and everything. I am learning nothing.

All this reading, experiencing, and discovering I have asked question and the answers are coming. Intuitively, there is a higher purpose, a higher being. Intuitively, I believe there are reasons for things happening. Intuitively, I believe in a Flow.

Do I believe in Muhammad? Do I believe in Joseph Smith? Buddha? Dalai Lama? Jesus Christ?Of course I do. They all preach a lesson of God’s Love. All preach be good to one another. All preach a Higher higher.

So this spiritual journey, this quest, this moment of my life finds me not looking for answers. These answers will be revealed to me.

It’s funny sitting here at It’s a Grind a Bible study is forming. Twelve people are surrounding all around. I may say something. It’s funny how things manifest itself. Well, guess, I will listen and pray.  Answers are being revealed.

Journey

Plans Change
Day did not goes as planned. It was a good one, nonetheless. Found myself at B & N. Planned on driving to the Pasadena Arboretum. Planned on taking a trip, a voyage of place unknown. Plans changed.

Got the inkling about going to the movies. Instead I found myself at Barnes & Nobles. A fair exchange I say. No Knight and Day. No Killers. No Grownups.  No Get Somebody to somewhere. Instead I just caught up with some journal writing. Caught up on some postcarding. Caught up on some magazine reading.

Journal Breaking At the Seams
Not the driving trek I had expected. Not the thrill-seeking visual entertainment I had intentioned. Still, I found it a "marking off the to-do list" kind of day. June is almost over. Couple more days and we would have completed six months of 2010. My journal is thick. Filled with ticket to dance concerts, spelling bees, movie stubs, cards to join the priestly vocation and other memorabilia of the year past.

Getting Right
Its funny how quickly the year has gone by. Its funny the stuff I did daily I no longer do. This troubles me. Still this six month review has been very eye opening. Much stuff I’ve done. Much stuff is still left incomplete. Angelo is jumping in to the pool with no life vest now. Prece is birthdaying in a week. Lynn did the Bee. Been to Hoover Dam, flew in a helicopter, sat in a river in Big Sur. Visited Missions. Stopped by the Getty and Descano Gardens. Been to the beach at least once every month. Went to a Hindu temple. Took photos of Totem poles and flowers. So much to do, yet, there is much unaccomplished.

Progress???
As the year goes by, my to-do list gets bigger. Not smaller. Why is that? More I do, the more I want to do. Long and short of it all, I find myself completing task I never expected or planned on doing so quickly. Yet, there are still some long standing dreams still unaccomplished. The daily journalizing and  month reviews make me wonder if I ever will. Are the things crossed off because they were easy and had little value? Are the perennial to-do items undone there because I am afraid, because they are not important, or because bad timing? Whatever it is, I find it a bit disconcerting.

Lion's Mouth
In your life, have you accomplished all that you have hoped for. What dreams have you given up, just let go? Maybe given up isn’t the right word choice. What dreams of yesteryear have been put on the back burner? I am afraid to look at my old to do lists. Afraid to look at some of my old journals. It’d be too depressing me thinks. Alas, got to my head in the lion's mouth. Face it and stand up. Half of the battle is won just by showing up. Half of the battle is participating. Half of the battle is being prepared. Blah blah blah

Covenant
Wrote a few postcards to family and  friends early in the day. Writing loved ones these postcards remind of promises made long ago. Writing made me think once and future dreams. Made me think of a quote I wrote, “Conceive, Believe, Receive "If the mind can conceive it and you can believe it, then you shall receive it.” It made me remember promises I made to myself and others. Made me think of the stuff that I put pen to paper. These mini-contracts, these covenants with myself and the Big Smile to accomplish. This six month review reminded that work still remains undone.

Symbol, Always Unfinished
At a once-a-month writing group, I fixated on this fellow sribbler's outfit. It was a silk Chinese Kung Fu Boxer top. Black with Gold inlays of symmetrical pattern. It had circle with lines inside them. Somehow this doodling led me to  draw the pyramid with the eye in the middle. If you look at the back of a dollar bill. It is this image that stuck throughout my day.

Takes Work
An unfinished project. This was intentional.  The Constitution was built on this basis. This unfinished experiment. The Founders of America planned on problems that they could not foresee or conceive.

I mean they got the slavery problem considered with 3/5 of a freeman. It only took a Civil War to get it resolved. Now the issue with privacy looks to be forefront. The Second Amendment still is an issue today. Look at the last Supreme Court Nominees.

Look Above
With warrior drones flying overhead bombing some terrorist in a distant country, it seems to take the humanness out of war. This fighting and killing without looking the person in the eye. Its all become a videogame. Trouble is that could be me or you at the end of a smart bomb. Drone planes are flying on the border of Mexico and the US. Promises of protecting privacy by Facebook and other social networking media is becoming synonymous with promises of a balanced budget by politicians . 

No Secrets
With TMZ papparazing in on people’s lives. With talking heads criticizing referees calls and the indiscretions of Tiger Woods, Jesse James (Sandra Bullock’s ex) and whatever flavor of the month. It is getting disturbing to imagine we have any privacy rights at all. Sure in theory it seems okay, but with Big Brother’s video cameras everywhere it seems hard to say we have any privacy at all. We are scapegoating immigrants for the ills in the economy and worrying about the Mayor Villaragosa’s ticket luxuries.

Seriously there are more pressing issues.So many going-ons, BP oil leaks, rising racism climate, and general ennui with economic breakdown, we concern ourselves with whatever tragedy de jour.

Ground Underneath Shifts
So what am I trying to say? Stuff will reach a critical mass then  stuff will occur whether we like it or not. Civil War, 2012, or wherever LeBron James decides to go, it is just par. Earthquakes happen. Ice ages too. Revolutions—French, American, Tea Party—are said to be good once in awhile. Dinosaurs once ruled the world. Divergence occurs. Tectonic plates shift. Paradigms are altered. We need wholesale changes at times. Can you imagine a time without Microsoft or the Ipad?

Struggle
There is a certain battle between chaos and order. Between Republicans and Democrats. Between Celtics and Lakers. Dynasty rise and fall. Knowing these happen. Knowing things left undone is the norm. Knowing death occurs and life will continue, there is a certain solace, a certain belief life will go on. Maybe if we are smart and we will start prepping for a Flood or an earthquake? Noah was right.

INRI
Perhaps Jesus resurrection says something. Born again. Be Forgiving. He did not conquer armies like other religious leaders. Yet they call him King. He was betrayed by his followers who denied knowing him. He died at his persecutors hands for committing no crime. Yet he lived again. He was Son of God and God. He was Alpha and you know the rest.

Moldy Bread
Perhaps this cycle of life is more than mitosis of DNA. Perhaps we will be re-born? Does the Dalia Lama have a franchise on this being born again? Muhammad said, if we can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then I am sure that we can make something out of you. (It was Ali, not the one married to Kadijah)

I like what Maximus said from the movie Gladiator, “If not in this life, then the next. . .”

Please Answer It In a Form of a Question
Well, I still have much to do in this one. If its penicillin, then let it be that. The Big Smile will put us where we need to be at the time we need to be there. Heard somewhere, there is 6+billion people in the world now. Coordinating and planning I am sure takes some work. Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos have their magic to work. Ah Tangled Skein, thanks Mr. Anthony.

Wasn't sure how to end this post so I will leave it as the form of a question, Mr. Alex Trebec, “What is On the Road Again. . .?“ or “What is . . .Wait, There’s More?”

Can't See the Forest, the Trees Are In the Way

Feel My Flow

Saturday. Juno's on. Okay. I stopped the  video. I'm sure it is a good flic, just not into it. Been false starting a lot of late.

Enter the Dragon

Got some Dragon Blood incense burning. Need something different at the moment. Sunny outside and here I sit. Thought about writing on the full moon last night, but just wasn’t in to it. Its been that way for awhile. Not being into it. Been feeling Flow-less of late. Been swimming everyday. Been writing every other day. 

Its Genetic

Been asked to do Ballroom dancing with a friend. Sounds fun and I think I am in. My Dad was a dancer. A good dancer from what I understand. Always said, before getting married, if I get married, I'd learn how to Ballroom. Maybe this is a precursor for something. Who knows? Sounds fun. My brother Kevin took a Ballroom and he has been good in about everything he does. I am incredibly proud of Kay Kay. My sister-in-law’s nephew dances too. It looks fun.

Color Me Bad, A Time Remembered

Remember years back at the frat days. BU Sig Eps threw the best mixers. Mrs. Gold, Alpha something. Toga. Boy oh boy, I was intoxicated. An angry dancer, something to prove. Something that I needed to get out then. Not a couples dancer type at the time. Got that anger out of the system. Thought about dancing as a minor. The "E Effect" again. 

Lombard Street

Yet Tango looks like fun. Smiles, coordination, a little attitude and personality. A certain, "I got this" attitude. Only one I remember dancing with, being in sync with was. Well,  actually two. Ahhhh. Let’s not go there. Too many twists and turns, like Lombard. 

It was Michael Jackson's death anniversary yesterday. All these dancing videos are on. Remember the Time, Smooth Criminal, Dirty Diana. Perhaps, unconsciously I equate dancing with Life. With Energy. With Celebration.

In Sync, Not Really

So where do I go from here? Laundry is drying. Kitchen is a disaster. Getting new counters installed. Granite. Maybe a swim. Maybe a run. Maybe I will just continue writing. But about what? My usual process is to type and it just flows. Perhaps my chakras are blocked again. Perhaps, I am just not feeling in sync.

Just Jump

Dragon blood smells red with energy. Bathroom has some oils burning. Linen. Like fresh laundry. Always loved that smell. Smelled like renewal. It smelled fresh. It smelled of “Vigor again.” A life lived to do again. Saddling up. Getting back on the horse. Taking a jump. I should follow my Uncle Juhn's example. Get on the zip line in the Philippines and just hang on. Always loved the smells of freedom and risk.

Moment of Pause

It’s funny. Always considered myself the thinking type. Logical. Analytical. Orderly. Now, its been more spontaneous, un-planned, more energetic. Guess, like the feather in the wind Forrest Gump-ish.  History, destiny, universe giving me a nudge here and there. Looking over these last few days, it has been uneventful. Maybe it's time to pause and collect myself.

Getting Messages

Recently adjusted my google calendar to send me email reminders of museum days.  The blackberry buzzes for awhile. Many I would like to attend. Forrest Lawn Mexican Museum, the Getty has few. Ones  to attend feels like the La Brea Tar Pits and Natural History Museum. 

Odd thing, I noticed my viewing choices of late are of the history channels.Seeing these shows and museums strengthens me. It invigorates me.  Makes me think there is life out there. It has been there. It will always be there. It sends my soul messages. "Get out there learn from it. Go make some history yourself."

These visits to the Descano Gardens, Getty Center, Hearst Castle stirred something. Life, I guess. Media moguls that made fortunes like Citizen Kane. Able to make these beautiful homes with incredible gardens and forests. 

Flower Flow

Noticed that the flower vibe. I think its the "E Effect". Blame her.  She’s projecting and I picked up on her flower vibe. She hasn’t written for a bit. Hope things are well. Now, I've been stopping here and there on the side of the road taking photos of flowers and trees.

All Kinds

There’s meaning and purpose to this. Just don’t see the bigger picture right. Maybe its from the Phenomenon movie. John Travolta's character picks a bouquet of wild flowers from his house to his love interest Kyra Sedgwick. You'll have to see it to get the meaning. As for my reason for taking photos of flowers and trees, I don't know. No love interest at the moment. Answer will come. This I'm sure of.

Funny at the Descano Gardens I found myself taking lots of photos of trees: bamboo, spruce, redwood. 

On the trip down from SF, on the Coastline and Big Sur, I was amazed at the little pockets of trees on the side of the mountain. Green and lush on the yellow, maize hills. Green trees hugging the jagged silver coastline. Beautiful entities that hides the rivers, hides the mountains, brings shade to weary traveler. So much history.

Buddha and Bohdi, Spiritual Enlightenment

Perhaps the fascination began with learning the spiritual significance of the Bohdi tree. Read that the Buddha found enlightenment in the tree's protection. Perhaps it has been the vanishing Josuha Trees close to home. Perhaps it was the drive to Zuma with the Totem poles. Funny, started with the dance and now trees. Don't the significance of trees to the soul, but there is calmness there. Been feeling the inkling to go to the Pasadena Arboretum. Never been. Just learned about it. Maybe its time.

Gaea

Can’t watch the show the Ax Man. There is purpose in what they do, however, it feels like whale hunting. Not something that feels right. Perhaps, it is the environmentalist emerging inside of me. Stop the Oil Gushing, BP

Sitting out Big Sur just felt energizing.  Trees all around. Lots of energy. It felt like wearing clothes  just out of the dryer. Renewed. Well, it is time to go. Got to look at the Bonsai, she's calling. It needs some love and attention.