Her name fits. Grace.
Couple days ago and I needed to leave the service. Years later and she still touches me. I am reminded that I
was blessed. Truly blessed. Actually, I am still blessed.
Stupid, too. What can I say, Just really stupid. C’est
la vie. Lesson learned. Got to leave it in God’s hands. Trust there is a bigger picture. Forced
myself not to look. She's just too pretty.
Okay, that is enough with that. Got to turn the corner.
Trying not to spend too much time in the past. It is not too
healthy. Learning from the past is fine. Not making the same
mistakes. Finding courage and reflecting back when I just jumped and let the
consequences fall where they may. Living in the past contends that the circumstance remain static. Life is constant change. Its a river. As I navigate my journey now, I am more deliberate. With my thoughts, with my beliefs, with words, with with my actions. Where I want to go, how I want to get there, and when I choose to pause--these are the sails I that will guide my time.
He said, find out what one loves. Look at where they spend
their time. Can’t disagree with this logic. What one spend times on. Writing,
running, spending time with family and friends. Looking back and looking now.
Just been my thing taking time to reflect and getting thoughts to paper. Trying
to get my soul stronger and just being right in the world. Being a joiner is
not my thing. Had to force myself to be outgoing. Run for office. Join a frat.
Play sports.
Now years later, I find myself still following my own
compass. Wish things could have been different with a few things. However, I must
live with the decisions I have made and be okay with that. Can’t step in the same river no matter how hard I try. Just got to remember its okay to fall. Might be funny.
He asked do I think he will get married? I said, “Of course. Just waiting on the right one.”
Not positive if I said that out of Truth or out of not wanting to hurt his
feelings. Honestly, I did not think too much. I’d like to think my first
reaction was my best reaction. No hesitancy.
Been reading the King James Version and this quote was read aloud at the funeral. Ecclesiastes 3, "There is a time for everything. . ." There is more and given the chance one should give it a brief read. Can't help but believe this is where I am right now. All things must have an entrance. All things must have exit, too. Need to ready for beginning and ends. And Heart the Stuff in the middle.
At the service, could not help but wonder what people
would say when I passed. Hearing Grace speak, listening to the arm wrestling story with her Nanay and crabs crawling in the kitchen. Listening about her cousin's bike story from WalMart, the tremor in his voice. Hearing oldest cousin story of being first and life lessons his Nanay taught her. These stories of Eugenia made people smile and cry.
I wonder who would say these things about me. Its been a long
standing bucket list of mine to write my obituary again. Wrote one before and seemed
far fetched. Achievable. Matthew 19:26. Now, I am not so sure what to write now. The pages of my life
feels a little blank right now. Chapters of my story has taken a turn these last few and I am at pause with the pages coming next.
So I wonder what will be said about me when I am gone?
