Her birthday is tomorrow and I've already given a gift. I would like to give more but I don't think it will be received well. To do so, may make things uncomfortable. A line has been defined and this conversation has been discussed many times. I've been told maybe I'm not getting it. Words no other feelings more than a friendship.
I know all this. I've known all this. Still, I remain stupid. Don't want to jeopardize friendship but I've made a few attempts to end it. Clearly I'm not strong enough yet to say goodbye and mean it. Timing has been off. Or she doesnt have any feeling like that. She said so.
I'll be gone in a few days. Doing a roadie with family. She'll be gone on couple of vacation too. Probably won't see her until the end of the month. Might be good because this fondness is ...
Don't want to label it. However, I find her incredible. Attractive, smart, and with a joy. She's vulnerable and strong. She's considerate and kind and I hate her. Well that's what I used to say. It was akin to say Bad is good. Hate to ...you get it. It was the sign off.
Given the current trajectory I don't imagine anything more. Feelings of loss, a passing of sorts. Acceptance in feelings. An acceptance of words. Soon an acceptance in action. Then that will be it. Karma has shown me the possibilities I never imagined a few months earlier. It will close this window and I'm sure another door will open. Still I like this door. But that would be selfish of me. What are values unless they are tested and hardened by action.
Fate had me take a chance to talk with another. Showed me a likely scenario. Real life example of choices gone awry. I've met a few of the players and it would not be right. I dont want to inconvenience any.
I talked because it flowed. Connection fed. Yet, it stopped and I found myself wanting. Now, I find my self weaning off and I feel sadness.
It's an acceptance thing. Got angry, denied,
bargained and now depression and acceptance soon to come. This time not so hard. Had angel wings soften the blow and quicken the stages.
I know. Something more, these feelings stir. May not be for her...anymore. I'm getting to okay with this.
