Sun Rings and Beach Sand--An Exercise In Listening

Sun Ring, Moon Ring. . .

Books My Friends
Read in an old Britannica book. Not the big thick brown tomes with the letters etched on the side. These were the thin, uniform-shaped white ones. These books were categorized in various topics, literature, world events, countries, etc. My favorites were the mythology and science. Best gifts ever. I was able to learn about anything and everything in these. These is where I found solace. This where my love for books took seed.


Self-Inflicted Sleep Problems
This will be a short post. I am low on gas. Low on time. I have got to get going. Last couple of days, I have been having trouble sleeping. Self-imposed, self-inflicted shots away from routine. A routine that I know makes me feel better. Slept on the couch, to George Lopez Comedy Special. No CPAP giving me my much needed breath of life. No comfortable king-sized bed to spread out. No comfort of the dark room. Two nights ago I was in the living room cuddled up, listening to the rants and laughter until Nox took over.

Last night, it was troubling. Thought about my life and how in a three or four decades, it will be over. Boy, could not go to sleep. Been thinking about things done and wondered is there enough time. Been surfing the net for exercise techniques to improve my writing. A few stood out. Alternate history, yearbook, and dollar. Alternate history one imagines a road not traveled, a "What If? comic book. What if you took different road, a different attitude during a significant time in your life. Yearbook, flip through the pages and write a story about the people inside. Who lived? Who died? What are they doing? Dollar, chronicle the exchanges of the dollar bill. Where does it go? What has happened?

Thought about these exercises, and it troubled me. Don't know whether my blood sugar got low and I was suffering from a hypoglycemic depression. Don't know whether the mid-life just hit. Will the next stage of my life be filled with purpose, hope, and renewed vigor. Or will it be. . .

In the coming months, in my journey toward Salvation. . .to the Big Smile. . .to whereever the Fates takes me, I will just Flow. Today's events will be to Tujunga to Uncle Juhn's birthday celebration. Need to get direction. Need to clean up. Need gas.


I Got This For You But I Didn't Know It At the Time
Back to the Sun ring. If you look up in the sky, you will notice around the sun. A ring of light. Sometimes its visible, sometimes its too bright The moon has one, too. Moon is easier to see Read about this phenomenon in my white Britannica. In my hurry out the door, I looked up saw the sun ring. Can't look at it directly, you'll go blind. No, I don't know. What significance does this have to what I write. Don't know how I will tie it end. But, I will.

I have been doing that lately. I do some things out of the ordinary, with this feeling that it has some later purpose.

Few weeks back I picked up some moleskin journals. Didn't know why at the time? I just knew I needed to get them. Thing is I just bought three myself earlier in the week and I thought it was an extravagance I did not need. Feeling kicked and I got them anyways. Later, spoke to my good friend Shazam. There was trouble and I sent them to her children. When speaking to them I knew it was for them

Last weekend, went with Jason, my cousin, to the beach. Had the same feeling. I emptied an aquafina. Went to the beach to and put beach sand and ocean water in the empty bottle. Very Saving Private Ryan-ish. Gathering dirt and putting it in a can. Last night, Kaprece and Kaelyn brought home some tiny hermit crabs in a water bottle. There was some sand, but nowhere the amount needed to keep them alive for the night. I said, "They have more beach sand and ocean water in my car. Go, get it. I have some in the car." They asked,"Why do you have beach sand in your car?" I replied, "Got it for you, but I didn't know you needed it at the time." Sun ring, same thing.

Its a Book of Five Ring's thing. Its the Ah-ha skill, I have been working on. Intuition. Listening to that voice, the nudge, the Angel (maybe). I'm more conscious to these nudges, these whisper, these "Ah-has"

Well, I need to run. I apologize for any typos, missed words, and run-ons. Please forgive. They say quantity over quality. That is what it is today.

Be well.

Leaving Wrestling Shoes on the Mat

Kurt Warner retires.

Saying Goodbye is never easy. I hope in many ways it never will. Its late and blogging. What's wrong with me? Guess, I never really got comfortable when people left. Didn't want to show hurt when we parted ways. Connections lost. Energies draining. Looked back at early posts. Death, funerals, and cemeteries--Nice way to start, at the end. Still believe it was the right way to start. We know death is coming: Death of career, Death of lifestyle, Death of the mortal coil.

Every morning, take photograph of sunrise. Every evening, photo of sunset. With the Weather Channel app on my Blackberry, I take note of the exact time of sunrise and sunset. How much daylight do I get? I calculate how many hours and decide my day's choices. Sunrises sets the tone of the day. Sunsets gives me an account moments used. There comes an end. Two more days, and one twelfth of the year is gone. Energy abound in the morning. Energy wanes in the evening.

Chosen Few
Kaprece, Kaelyn, Angelo, Luz, and Kevin drove to San Diego this afternoon. Seeing how they have used the month brings me calm. Spent the day, blogging and feeding ducks. It brought me calm. It brought me purpose and a sense of accomplishment. No longer do I starve for approval by many. Now, its down to a handful. Simply, don't care anymore what everyone thinks. Just a chosen few.

Their Deaths, My New Life
My love for comics started before grade school. My Dad took me to comic conventions at the Ambassador Hotel. Gone now, like Dad. Used to draw pictures of Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I would cut them out and hang them on my ceiling. I loved looking at them overhead. However, my love for comics started in 1982 with a graphic novel. It was the Death of Captain Marvel authored and drawn by Jim Starlin. Rochelle passed around the same time. Rochelle and the comic character had the Decay, the Blackend--They had Cancer. The story helped. Both passing changed my life forever. I took risks, looked ahead, and never looked back. I was present.

Now, I follow my brother's lead. I take more pictures. It reminds me of the past, my memory booster. It reminds me not to look back. It is my gift to myself--my present to be present. Hopefully one day one other will accept these gifts.

Took a picture on San Diego beach. Its a surfer on his board, looking at the waves ahead about to crash. There's a quiet, calm determination in his stare. Waves crashing in seconds. He will be twisted, turned, rolled, beat up, beat down, rag-dolled. Yet with quiet assurance he will succeed. I could feel it hundreds of feet away.

". . .If One Has The Courage To Admit Them"--Bruce Lee
I think of Lawrence Taylor's monologue in Any Given Sunday, "A man must be proud of everything, on and off the field." Can't say I lived a life where I was proud of everything I did. I am trying to fix that. My "never look back" attitude has waned through the years. Last year, my travel--my adventure--my life journey direction ran its course. I needed a course correction, I got a big one.

Before I move on, I must leave things. Baggage, Belief, Bondage must be left behind. In the words of W.E.B. Du Bois, "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."

Pulled some quotes off the internet. Three speak loudly to me. "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."--Bruce Lee "My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them."--Bono "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting"--Buddha.

Kurt Wagner's Leaving Brings Me Back
Before rebirth, there must be retirement. My time is finite. Warner's retirement brings me to the realization that a journey of events run its course. It is time for a new course. Its time for new run. His career, his public declarations, his grace gives me inspiration. It gives me Hope.

Wagner's retirement reminds me of Rulon Gardner. Greco-Roman wrestler beat the unbeatable. He defeated the Hero of the Russian Federation--Alexander the Great--The Russian Bear. In the 2000 Olympics Gardner shocked the wrestling world defeating Russian Alexander Karelin, who was previously undefeated in 13 years of international competition. (Karelin went the last six years of his unbeaten streak without giving up a point.)

Despite this victory and it was memorable, it was his leaving that I remember most.

I Don't Remember Beating The Bear, Its Leaving The Shoes
Olympic Gold Medalist Rulon Gardner untying his laces, leaving his wrestling shoes on the mat, and then exiting tears in his eyes. It is an ancient wrestling ritual paying homage to the wrestling gods. It is a declaration to the world that he left everything on the mat. No regrets, no turning back.

Hope to do that one day. At my end, to leave my shoes on that mat. Can't yet. Still more to do. Admit my choices made, forgive others and myself, be the hero I believe that I need to be, my mission is forgive and recover. Before leaving this mortal coil, before I retiring in the sunset, before there is no more, I want to nothing left. No pain, no hurt, no regret, no hate. Leave everything. . .but Love

Starbucks, Jalapenos, and A Jehovah Witness

Been planning my day by where I can charge my laptop and how long will it last? Did not mean to start blogging so much, but there's much to say. Also, set up my day by the smell of Jalapeno peppers in my cars.

Car Stinks, Why Can't I Just Throw It Away? You see, been practicing the flow more often. Taking chance coincidences more as a messages to do and be places that I would not normally not go. No, not the like the feather of Forrest Gump, but yeah more like the feather of Forest Gump. It has been working. No, I do not espouse being entirely care-free and just wait and waste your life away. I am choosing to just Flow.

I should explain where and when I am. Its almost noon and I sit drinking some Earl Grey, Captain Piccard's tea of choice. (Guess I am looking for Star Trek followers) Anyways, went over the Star Bucks on Avenue J, next to In-N-Out. Got out of LCH early, got stuff done quickly. In my car sat half of a Seafood 6 inch on my mid-console. Its felt like the gorilla in the room, that no one is talking about, but its presence is still there. I swear that I was going throw the smelly sub away, but something kept on saying, "Feed the birds" I threw the top part out on the lawn (I hope the birds get to it) Decided not to throw away, in case the ravens and finches weren't hungry.

There were many chances to dump this sandwich. Its Friday and the Waste Management picks up in the morning. There are green dumpsters up and down the street I considered using. Could have thrown it out of the window on the drive to Lancaster from Palmdale. On 70th Street East, a construction crew stopped traffic and I didn't want to get caught littering. Could have dropped it off at one of LCH many trash dispensers, but. . . This food, if not going to feed me, was going to feed some kind of animal. That decision was made.

Anyways, returned to my car and the Jalapeno smell just hits. I asked myself, "What I am doing??? There is no "F*&king birds around. Get rid of it." Then it hit, Apollo Park.

"Tina, Stop Chasing the Ducks" I Pleaded If you are not aware what Apollo Park is, it is a water reclamation park. (Funny story, I will blog some time later. I did not know at the time that its three man-made lakes were made to reclaim water. Many years back, my chihuahua Tina decided to go for a swim. Ducks were having so much fun, she on her own, decides to join and jump in Lake Aldrin. She did not know it was re-claimed water. I did not know at the time either. I thanked God, I don't swim with my mouth open. In my view, she's bowling ball small and was becoming bebe small as she kept on swimming. She did not look like she was coming back anytime soon. She may get tired and she's out there. . .and getting further out. "Buckets!!!" I scream in my head. Yeah, I played lifeguard. Guess, I won't tell you later)

Anyways, Apollo Park was where my Dad took us. Housed here is the capsule from one of the Apollo II Space mission. Its a nice oasis in the desert of the Antelope Valley. Brown, desert covered with tumbleweed and Joshua trees, then there is 26 acres of green landscaped parks with creosates and pinyon pines. Aldrin, Armstrong, and Collins are the names of the three inter-connected lakes with gaggle of geese and flock of ducks. Fishing tournaments are held here often.

If you ever watch that Honda Commercial where a group of friend drives over a patch of road and song is played. This is right in front of Apollo Park. They call it the Singing Road. Grooves in the road that causes the tires to sing when one drives over them. YouTube it. Imagine a player piano (aka, pianola or autopiano) but giant-sized. These are the self-playing piano, with perforated paper,and metal rolls. Perforated paper are the grooves in the road. Tires are the metal rolls. Honda Civic is the piano where the sound resonates.

LeeAnn, Car Delays May Be There For A Reason
(Inside Joke, Follower/Facebook Friend Post)Back to the Jalapeno smell. Considered going straight to Apollo Park, but I thought half a subway sandwich and my laptop is on two bars, maybe. Not worth it. I said, "Just, go." There it was, the answer. Mercardo Vallarta, its like a Vons Mexican style. No, more like a Pavillions Spanish-ized, if you know the difference. Got some bread and I headed out. Getting the bread forces me to go to Apollo Park. If I get in a groove, at Starbucks, I may not go. Damn, Ducks again. First Tina, now my car smells of Jalapeno peppers. I go to Starbucks charge my laptop, sync my Ipod for Nike+, and to journalize.

Starbucks is in the same parking lot. Decided not to take off my teal LCH Scrubs, too much effort. Opened the doors and I saw that my usual table, next to the outlet, had no seats. They were all taken by people dressed in their Sunday Best. Men wore Dillard jackets, paisley ties, and black leather shoes, (I think rockports). Ladies were Lane Bryant-ish. Thought it was a real estate sales meeting. Only one person in color out of ten. Or maybe it was a hospital certification board. One of the people seated looked like someone at LCH.

Anyways, got ready to set up. Sitting by the couch and coffee table I sat down. Laptop out. Ipod with connector cable in. Power chord plugged in. Journal out. Good, I was ready. All of the sudden, a fifty year old man starts talking. Dressed in a blue blazer, drinking his Venti coffee. It was to well-rehearsed and relaxed. He talking to me. Blue blazer asks me about the Hospital and when is LCH moving to the new Palmdale Regional. He's not a LCH administrator.

Looking into his eyes warmly, trying not to miss the magical moment of the encounter, I pause. Sizing him and determining how to respond is just automatic, I smile. He saw my teal scrub with LCH embroidered. Maybe he was just being cordial and just asking. He may be an Agency Certification Administrator with his staff testing me. Don't want to brush off. Don't want to offend. Maybe he is trying to sell me something. My warning lights come on. I know these chance encounters. I was in sales. He warms me up and says, he visited a friend in the LCH ER. I am naturally defensive to strangers approaching me out of the blue. We exchange small talk and ask what that meeting was.

Answer Revealed. I Shake My Head Inside and Smile It was a Jehovah Witness gathering. I smile inside. Did not know what to expect. He's going to try to close. I speak to him and say "Went to Catechism Inquiry and said I was not surprised at the encounter." His wife comes by and introduces herself. I try to get up, but I am weighed down with laptop, ipod, backpack, etc., "Joyce," she says. His name, Rob.

I feel nose tickle. A booger was coming out, Nice. I excuse myself. Thank you for the social faux pas. I grab a napkin, wipe nose, and get my bearings. Stalling,I ask the waitress for the Earl Grey ordered, but was not given. I return to my seat and setup, notice his cellphone in hand. (Common sales technique)Rob's smooth and practiced. Rob says, his associates had to leave. Step 5 in close, create urgency Good, did not have to make an excuse to extricate from the conversation. Close is coming next. Been there, done that. Did not want to be preached to. (I will bet money he is an insurance agent, car sale, or something in sales. I know the type. My Dad was one. I was one, at a time) Then he asks for the close, "Can I have your number so that we can maybe talk?" I hesitate, but decide to give it. Sales encounter is a true art. I can recognize and appreciate it, but I do not love it.

Big Smile, If You Didn't Get The Message . . .
The Jehovah crew leaves, I decide to sit at my usual table. Think to myself, "Bet Rob thinks he has a prospect. Probably saying that to his Jehovah crew, Possibilities are everywhere. . .That is how its done. God is everywhere." Okay, I don't Hate. A heavy set lady, textbook on the table corner, is deep in study a few feet away. A couple waiting for their order recognizes her and walks toward her. They exchange pleasantries. She says she teaches music and I catch ". . .Bible Study." I say to myself, "F-ing Jalapenos." I smile. I think of the many choices I had: Gym, Library, Barnes & Nobles, Los Angeles, Home. I show up at this place at this time. This juxtaposition in time and place. Approached by a Jehovah Witness. Sitting next to a lady doing Bible study.

I just shake my head. If you have been reading my posts lately, I think you will smile, too. At any rate, three more posts to go for January. By the way, just made a great trash can shot. My Ipod is synced, my car stinks of Jalapenos, and day old $1.99 bread rolls are waiting to feed ducks at Apollo Park.

Lowliness to Holiness, From Grit to Grace...

Twenty-eight Days Into The New Year.
Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and I proudly will have completed 31 posts (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seaguls, and sunsets. Doesn't look like I will I have 150 Nike plus miles these 31 days, I need 50+ in 3 days. (Not likely). Journalized everyday and six books read (Only 294 before the end of the year)

Now, the important stuff. Made steps to get things right with D and M. I am taking the Pharm Tech exam next month and I will seriously start eating smarter. Workouts have been relatively consistent. Fell off here and there, but I am not beating myself when I miss or when I am not feeling it. My original game plan of doubling up is not working out. The yoga thing, well, I finally went and I am not sure it will take. Sleeping better and waking more refreshed. Firebird promises is getting me up and I am thankful for that.


Facebook: The Multiverse Revealed
As I read the Facebook posts, I look at people's lives happening. I hear venting. I hear bragging. I see Vampire gifts and missions. I get pages for Mafia wars and Farmville. I see pictures that inspire. I snicker at the funny posts. I read other people's blogs and I comment on them. I take notice of more things. Changed my picture profile and changed my saying. Its not that I forget who I am, its just in order to be the person I need to become I need to give up who I was. Its not an easy task and its taking some work. I know there will be push back and let downs, but I see more peace.

Last night I finished a DVD. Its called Dark Matter. Kind of disturbing. Not the Hero's journey I suspected. No "feel-good" moments for me. Just a stark realization that people can make bad choices even through living a good life. Working hard, loving family, risking. Sometimes the picture in our head is not the one we are living. This is difficult to accept. Its not good or bad. Its an event. Its a cross-road in your life. Do you continue? Or do you course correct? Maybe the destination is not where you meant. Maybe its totally different than what you wanted, different than what you expected. Let me tell you, in a different universe I would be married to my soul mate, working at a job I love and having a great relationship with M.

Yet, its not that way. Its hard to accept that a different path was lived. The gist of Dark Matter is this. Young, brilliant Chinese student leaves home to study under a great professor in the US. A good son sending money home. A good worker staying after work. A good person not afraid to risk. Showing so much promise, he goes through the usual trials of rejection from a girl, from a PhD candidacy, from a better life. I was expecting some happy resolution, a toughening of the soul, that A-ha moment when that luck break happens and all is the well in the world. To my surprise, this was not the Chinese version of "Pi", it was more Columbine High school.

Dark Matters--I Have Seen Those Dark Cloudy Days
I looked into myself. I have taken steps away from the situations. I got perspective. I felt his pain. It hit home. Did not sleep well after that. It made me reflect during my times as Student Body President. It reminded me of my time when I left the fitness industry. Let me tell you, razing hell and providing a cleansing was how I felt to those that wronged me and betrayed me. Punisher-mode was a click away. I understood the main character's pain and disappointment. When choosing a path of destruction, when one's dreams are not fulfilled. . .I have to give pause.

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light.
Made my call to D yesterday. I was expecting to get blasted. I was kind of hoping that would be the case. She felt sorrow. She felt I missed out and I did. I can not go back to the past. Time traveler skills is not within me. Movies, like Star Trek (the latest one), where the distraught Romulan captain wanted to seek revenge on the Spock, the man, who did save his planet, his race, his family, it made me think of events not accomplished, of different roads.

Seven Steps to the Close: Big Smile Style
I look on Facebook and see friend, associates, new single-serving friends (thanks Fight Club) and I think wow my life can be so much different. I regret some. Others not so much. Guess, what I got to say is this. The movie made me feel rock-bottom, hole in my heart, dark despair. People need this. People need this terrible feeling.

In sales and I was good in sales, we need at times to hit that emotional chord. Don't even bother asking for the buy question until you made an emotional connection. We need to hit home. We need to embrace that void, that despair, that purgatory. I think of Annie's Hell, played by Annabella Sciorra, in the movie, What Dreams May Come.


Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to--Anonymous
Big Smile, Hit Me Hard. I know, I felt it. Not a pleasant experience, let me tell you.I am not a religious person. Never have been. Yet, I was called spiritual recently. I will take that compliment. Yet, I have been in despair for things done and not done. I know the psycho-babble. I read it, studied it, practiced it, pooh poohed it, I threw it away. So smart, that I got in my own way.

I asked in a dark room (bathroom blackout again) with no one around and I asked. I don't like to do that, it just seems silly. You make your own bed, you live with the consequence. If there is something wrong, bitch about it, then fix it. I was lost and I have seen people lost. Dark Matter reminded me of place that people have chosen to go. Well, I am not going to say pray. I am not going to say you should do this or that.

Asking for guidance and you may not like the answer. Big Smile answered me, Congestive Heart Failure. Not satisfied, let me give you some Hypertension and Diabetes. Not the answer I expected.I am just going to say. . ."Well, That's All I Got To Say About That. . .My name, its Forrest, Forrest Gump."

Heaven is not Heaven without you In It, M.
How will you know how strong you are, until you have nothing. If I die, then I will comeback and fix it. "If not in this life, then the next"--Maximus, Gladiator. I know my Soul Mate exists, she is married to another and has a son named Michael. I know that I will make this right. I promise to find you and do what is right. I will go through whatever levels of Hell to gain your Love. Everything is Nothing Without You.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel--Anonymous
Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You

Well, I can't help but think, of what I wrote earlier. Twenty-eight days into the new year. Where you at right now? I am sitting in the Lancaster Library reviewing the past events of this month. Goal-wise: Four more blog posts and it will have been 31 day post (whew). Went to Church at least once this month, not counting the Communion inquiry class, 2 times, thank you. Went to beach, took a cool pic of the surfer, seagulls, and sunsets. . .

Daily battles. Little Victories. Setbacks. Closer To You


Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Scandinavian Saying

Seth, Spawn, Songs, Starfish, and SOTU

State of the Union Speech: Does It Really Matter?
State of the Union (SOTU). Haven't read any of the politicos comments on the speech. Don't know if I will. It tends to be a lot of cock and bull. One side says this and the other side says that. Defend and Attack. It gets old. To me, it is just the sales rebuttals that I have heard a millions times over, simply an exercise in bashing and futility. Whenever talking heads appear on CNN or CSPAN, blah blah blah-ing, I just hit mute, click the guide button on Dish Network control, and change the channel.

Heard most of Obama's speech while on the Life fitness bike. Liked what heard. My first time speaking in front of people, almost fainted. Definitely blacked out for a second. I was told that I lost my balance and it looked like I was going to take header. So whenever a good speech being delivered by a seasoned orator, I just marvel. Now, I'm good. Speaking in front of a Super Bowl stadium full of people, I got it covered.

The President's State of the Union, honestly, don't know if it will make a difference. Hope it does. When a State of the Union speech comes up, I think of the West Wing TV series. My favorites West Wing shows were the State of the Union episodes. One of my favorite SOTU show is "Season 6, Episode 12: 365 Days" It is the last year of the President second term, his last year. Leo, the ex-Chief of Staff gathers all of Bartlett, SOTU speeches. He reviews them and takes to task the entire staff. He tells them re-focus. He reminds them the great words, the moving State of the Union speeches, the reasons the why they are there is getting lost. Various political realities have stifled their agenda. They have been reacting to crises, instead of shaping events. Leo emphasizes this is the team's last hurrah and its time to let out all stops.

Can't help, but think the grandiose plan each and everyone of us makes. Resolutions I call them. They are promises to ourselves to be better. How many of your resolutions are not being followed through? What are the gamut of reasons? Compromise here,compromise there. Excuses here, "I will do it tomorrow" there. No need to beat yourself. This is just a reminder to stop reacting and think big picture. In the end, does it really matter?

Throwing Starfishes Can't say yes, but I also can't say no, either. I think of the Starfish story, by Loren Eiseley. http://muttcats.com/starfish.htm Moral of story is ". . .Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference! At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Started writing this blog because I needed to explore and examine Inspiration. My hope for this blog is to examine, learn, and incorporate Heroism in our daily lives. I suspect there are others that have same yearning. Some time ago, I read an article on modern mythology and comic-dom. This was a time when collecting comics was the cool thing to do. Lines for comic signing were a block long,i.e., Todd McFarlane and Spawn. The article made sense.

People need to be continually inspired. Think Bible, Aesop's Fable, Koran, any management book. Read any comic book. People in the absence of meaning need a shot of feel good,a dose of purpose. Some turn to religion. Some to romance novels. Others, spy books. Music, too. Sporting events. Yet others--many others--catch the latest flic.

Spanish guitar is playing overhead. Sitting in the middle of Barnes and Noble at 10:17 pm, I am surrounded and bombard with inspiration. I now understand the appeal of books stores. Often there no places to sit, its so crowded. They are a place to be entertained, a place to enjoy, a place to find inspiration.

I Can Hear You What You Are Thinking
Watching a lady in a gray hoodie right. She's smiling as she reads her story. I wonder what she is saying to herself to make her smile like so. If I were Seth, the fallen angel, who fell for love, in the "City of Angels" my favorite ability would be able to hear the internal dialogue of every day people. Right now, listen to your own internal dialogue. What is it saying?

Today caught myself trying to be my own inspiration. Sat on Life Fitness cycle earlier. Head down. Eyes closed. Zoning on my breathing. Listening to my legs pump those pedals, I kept repeating "Stronger Heart. Stronger Heart. Stronger Heart" When I shoot pool, after each shot, I shout in my head, "Damn, I am good." Miss or make, I still ring out, "Damn, I am good." I've developed a shooter's mentality. What do you say? Whats your internal dialogue? Why shouldn't you be your own cheerleader?

Movies and Music Lift Spirits
When feeling lazy, when feeling mentally and physically drained, I go get a dose of "feel good." Saw Lebron James basketball yesterday afternoon, "More Than A Game." Afterwords, I finished 10 miles of cardio. Even now, I get still get pumped whenever the Rocky theme song plays. Do you have a movie that fires you up? Think Rudy, Invincible, Miracle, When We We're Kings, Invictus, Without Limits, PreFontaine, Remember the Titans, Cool Runnings, Tallageda Nights. (just kidding on last one)

How about a song? Richard Wagner's Flight of the Valkyrie does it for me. Chariots of Fire soundtrack. Some Naughty by Nature, Feel Me Flow or Hip Hop Hooray. Eminem, Ice Cube, Black Eyed Pea. Can't forget the original Rocky's theme song. If you have more, please put it on comment.

My point is this, many need that "feel good", always have. My proof are the millions of movie-goers, novel readers, music lovers, Church goers, sport fans. They attend to events to seek entertainment, seek inspiration, seek that "feel good." When we listen to the State of the Union speech, we get disappointed when there is no stirring in the soul. When we attend a football game, a boxing match, or basketball game, if our heart does not race, than we feel a bit let down. This blogs will explore the ways people get inspired. It will create awareness how the heroism manifests itself. Lastly, it will perpetuate that "feel good" that many seek.

Comment on what inspires you. I would like to use it for a future blog post.

West Wing Episode Synopsis can be found on the following http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0200276/episodes

State of the Union episodes listed below:
Season 2, Episode 13: Bartlet's Third State of the Union
Original Air Date—7 February 2001
While a live TV show is broadcast from the West Wing following the State of the Union, the staff must covertly deal with a hostage situation in Columbia. CJ learns that a special guest at the state of the union has a black mark on his record that could taint the administration. Ainsley Hayes is afraid to meet the President in person.


Season 3, Episode 12: 100,000 Airplanes
Original Air Date—16 January 2002
On the night of the State of the Union, Sam has to explain the process of writing the speech and grading reaction to it to a magazine reporter (Traylor Howard) throughout the evening; C.J. arranged the coverage unaware that the reporter, Lisa Sherbourn, is Sam's ex-fiancée; flashing back to the speechwriting process, we see the president dining with several of Abbey's medical colleagues, and they ponder the future of cancer research, motivating Bartlet to ask that a section be added to the SOTU in which he calls for U.S. scientists to find a cancer cure by 2010; the staff, convinced that the Congressional censure is weighing heavily on the president, tries to talk him out of this bold but risky proposal.

Season 5, Episode 11: The Benign Prerogative
Original Air Date—14 January 2004
In inexplicably finishing the speech early Toby is left with nothing to do. However, the State of the Union speech needs testing, so Toby flies out to meet Joey Lucas to perform mall tests.

Season 6, Episode 12: 365 Days
Original Air Date—19 January 2005
Leo returns to the White House to help bolster the administration, which is suffering from the loss of Josh, Donna, Will, and the Vice President to the next election campaign. Leo's first day back follows President Bartlet's last State of the Union address, and unlike in previous years there appears to be little momentum on bold, large-scale initiatives. Amidst numerous distractions that dilute the focus of the staff (kidnappings in Colombia, the First Lady's appearance at a NASCAR race, and petulant Congressmen), he challenges the administration on their agenda for their remaining year in office.

MONA-- **kicking the laundry monster**......AND STAY DOWN BITCH!!!

(Excerpts from Facebook exchange)
Mona (not her real name)--i think my children are allergic to washing a load of towels.

Awareness Is The First Step
JN--Its a problem. Not everyone understands nor do they respect this disease. . .I, mean CONDITION. The first step is awareness. Once people know that 97 percent of people are inflicted with this condition, then we can take strides. We are considering a help line and future fundraisers for allergies against cleaning in general. It's an epidemic. The government is keeping under wraps to avoid widespread panic. The billboard campaign will come out in March of 2010. Please understand. You, too, can be infected. Wear masks. Wash your hand to avoid possible contamination.

Mona--So Jeff.....what is the cure for said condition??

JN--(Glad you asked. . .) Its call overloading. You give the children the wonderful task of washing clothes until they become numb. Keep bombarding with loads and loads and loads of laundry. Dirty, clean, never-worn clothes-just give it to them to wash. Got to build the antigens for washing towels. They will build a tolerance. Active immunity at its best. Build the antigen for washing. Before too long they will just wash, with no lip too. Who knew? Torture works (No, I do not subscribe such practice. It's a joke. . .okay, I do. Anyways)

JN--You can try the booster shot method. Give them small loads and ease into their lifestyle, but this is not as entertaining (as the aforementioned)

JN--Yet, still one more method. Not as long lasting, purely short-term. Bring them to a cleaner and have them launder the clothes. If they are of driving age (and even if they are not. Just as long as the feet touch the pedals) give them cash and car keys and tell them to get it done. If they learned anything, then you come home with nicely pressed towels. Starch is good word for you to teach. Remember learn them good.

JN--If its a severe case, tell them to go buy new towels. This is an extreme measure and you have to be on a donor allergy-washing-loads-of-towel list. No an easy list to get on. May need government assistance. I am sure there is a university working on this condition as we speak. You got to do what you got to do.


Laundry Polio Shot?
All joking aside. There is something about washing clothes. I really hated it. There was time where I just dropped off my laundry in plastic trash bags at the cleaners. Now, I do my own. All of last year in my journal, at least half of my "to-do" list was washing of some sort. Wash clothes. Wash cars, Wash jacket. Wash blanket. Wash cars again. wash clothes again. It never stopped. For awhile, I realized that will never stop. As my my childhood friend Mona put it, "**kicking the laundry monster**......AND STAY DOWN BITCH!!!" Maybe there will be a shot, like polio, which will eradicate the laundry monster, I don't know. My closet is still overflowing with clothes.

Folding Towels Brings Nirvana, Carpe "F*#k-ing Diem.
What I did find as I folded towels today, I felt peace. There was a sense of renewal. I mean my socks and pants had sand in them. It reminded me of the beach in San Diego. I think of the seagulls and pelicans. I remember the surfer and that photos of the ride ready to come. A time ago, I would have been upset about getting dirt on me. Now, it lets me know that I used the day.

At my family friend's wedding, my Aunt Tally had vomit on her blouse. Honestly, I smiled. Just thought how funny seeing her drooped over in a drunk stupor as Jason held her up while the valet got our car. I can still see the vomit on the sidewalk next to the valet key booth. The look at his face when he stepped on the puke--Priceless. I recall the bartender cutting her off. Memories of a blouse with vomit

I think of the blood on my sock, "Hey, I got Diabetes. Do my foot exam or I won't worry about shoes at all." Dirty clothes say we enjoyed the day. Carpe "F*$#k-ing Diem.

Washing is just daily challenge. . .daily activity saying we lived life. It says we have a life still yet to live. This is why we do it. A metaphorical rebirth. A chance to start anew. We can wash away the sins of the past and put a new you on display. We are like the Egyptians washing cloths on the rocks by the Nile River. Only there is no human sacrifices and we have washing machines and dryers.

Washing clothes is a connection to the past. And unless, we all decide to go Adam and Eve, a la commando, we will always have laundry to finish. Let me a borrow a line from the musical genius--my favorite singer and I know yours-- Vanilla Ice "Will it ever stop? Yo! I don't know" Will it ever stop . . .Yo! I hope not. Not washing would mean not living. Everyone has a dragon to slay. With orange Tide bottle in my right hand and Downy in the other, I am ready to battle this laundry monster.

Side Note: For future references, No, I will find my own personal Zen. Don't ask. Don't offer. Do your own laundry? If you have kids, take above steps to deal with this CONDITION. Any suggestions are always welcome?

Carlsbad Marathon: A Lesson For Sharing Means Being Present

I missed a moment and I learned this Carlsbad Marathon moment counts. Actually, I’m learning every moment counts.

Gift Horse In The Mouth
Carlsbad Marathon and I missed a difference-making moment. I didn’t share. I failed to be open. Stuck in my head, I forgot to make a present out of this exact moment. As one of the volunteers at the Running Gear tent at the event our charge was simple, but daunting. Our task: watch the gear of 13,000 runners while they raced and return their gear back. This was not what I signed up for. Honestly, I thought I was going to give away cool stuff. That was my problem. I looked a gift horse in the mouth. The Big Smile gave me an opportunity to make a world of difference and I messed up.

Thirteen Thousand versus Ten
Thirteen thousand-plus runners were registered. There were only ten of us. A 50+ year old nurse who was in charge of the running gear tent. Three grade school girls, three high school kids, (two sophomores and one junior), a 20-year old lifeguard, a Filipino nurse. And myself.

Gotta,Share
I don’t even remember their names. I never bothered to ask. I am sorry. They were an admirable crew and I missed out terribly. Under the circumstances, I admired them all. They reminded me of being human. My downfall was me. I fell in job-mode, put my head down, and went at it. I forgot to make it fun. These nine strangers probably did not know my name, either. This event reminded me that everyone is important, myself included. I have a responsibility to share.
Handsome high school boy was goofing around with the three young grade school girls. They thought he was cute. Handsome boy was hitting on the 20-year old female life guard. He thought she was cute. Overeager high school girl with the pleasing-everyone complex was running around like a chicken with no head. I had the same I can do everything air attitude. The HNIC* was a rock. She would not let negativity enter this thrown-together motley crew. I say "Heroes, all of them." Grade School kids under tremendous pressure were outstanding. They showed courage and spirit.

Share Your Gifts
Organization-wise we could have been better. That was my gift. I missed on giving it. Looking back, I should have provided my knowledge, my experience, my insight. Instead, I just stayed in my head and I missed the moment. I’m sorry guys.

Seven hours we were there. I did not connect. Should have commended all of them for doing an great outstanding job. Should have told the handsome high school boy we need to keep his head and get in the game Should have thanked the nurse for not letting us lose our sh*t. I should have been present.

It's the Green Bag. . .
It is something. Thousands, no not hundreds, of people shouting their race numbers at the ten of us can be overwhelming. “162” “240” “2510” were what the runners shouted. Pointing at the the little girls saying its the green bag. There thousands of green bags. Thousands grabbed their bib numbers and pointed to where they thought their bag was. It was overwhelming. If I were the grade school girls, I would have left. I had that thought myself.

The 10 Held
All the runners just finished at least a 13 mile run, some did 26. Tired, frustrated and only wanting their gear returned, these people were frustrated. ID’s, car keys, wallets, clothes, plane tickets, medication—This all they wanted. Their frustrations were drowning us. Runners crossed the make shift barriers in impatience, rightly so at times. Yet, the amazing group persevered. The volunteers got them their gear back.

HNIC Kept Our Head Up
The look on the children's faces showed defeat, frustration, a sense that they were in over their heads. We all were. Head down, shoulders rounded, body shaking. It was a sight. I should have said, keep your head up. They will get their bags when we are ready to give them back. Those words would have empowered them. I should have said to the overeager girl not to leave the runners hanging if you can’t find a bad. Don’t just move on. I should have thanked HNIC for not letting us get down. “It’s here, we just misplaced. Everyone stop and look for this one bag,” said HNIC. It was amazing to see.

Moments Are Everywhere
I feel like crap now. I didn’t give them the opportunity to know me and I did not take the time to know them. I was lost in my head and I didn’t even know it. I was tired and depressed. I was so hung up that my cousin wasn’t able to run. I was hung up that it wasn’t what I expected as a volunteer. I missed the chance to make a difference. Please take the time, brief as it may be, to take the time. Moments are everywhere. Enjoy them.

I Promise To Do Better, To Be Present and Share My Gifts
The lessons these amazing strangers taught me was to laugh with strangers, flirt with everyone, and leadership can make all the difference in the world. The most important lesson was every moment is a present and it all counts. Stop letting yourself get in the way of enjoying the company of others. You have a responsibility to be present in the moment. Carlsbad Marathon Running Gear volunteers, I promise to be better. Lesson learned.

(*Head Nurse In Charge)

Rites of Passage: Late Night Denny's

Late night Dennys. Its a rite of passage from high school to adulthood. After a night of debauchery, Moons over My Hammy or the Classic Burger are just must-haves. When body is intoxicated with alcohol or the rush of dancing all night, there is biological need to wind down and replay the events of a few hours.

Carlsbad Dennys is where I sit this 2:28 in the morning. Cousin Jason is sleeping in the car right now. He's wearing my sleep mask and bundled up in thin mini-blankets. I feel a little bad. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to Carlsbad for a short trip. He's going to run the 1/2 marathon. He's crazy.

Earlier we were at sushi bar watching waitresses stripper-pole and belly dancing. This was my debauchery for the night. Hanging out, snacking on Philadelphia rolls, and catching up with the female situation with cousin. This ritual of going out to a nice restaurant, then to a club, then to back to Dennys--Its an American Tradition.

The lady in front of me seems tired. She has her head leaning the window. She has the Bobble-Head disease. Symptoms: Eyes heavy, an occasional snore erupts, head falls forward and back. Bobble-head disease is a struggle. This battle against fatigue is a losing one. Too much to drink and not enough sleep, I guess.

I look to my left. A group of four talks about the events of the night. I hear ". . .schnapps, rum and coke, and grabbing my . . . " Laughter burst erupts from the table. Ah!!! the smell of Kaluha, Sex on the beach, and vomit. Yummy.

A scantily dressed lady saunters in. Ahhh, Tight skirt, black high heeled boots, and purple hair. You see all types, at midnight Denny's. Wait, that person has an extremely large adam's apple. Her adams apple seems extremely large. Her hands, too. I was wrong, not a lady. I have seen worse. I have seen better, too.

Table to the right. Hip hop dressed crowd. Two guys on the left, a bunch of Wiggas. Wanna-be, wait, that is not fair. I don't if they are compensating for the lack of African-American-ness or they just dress like because they lost a bet.

You may ask what does this have to do with Heroism. I don't know either. No, the Valkyries would bring the fallen heroes to the great hall. In the great hall, they would drink, debauch, and the die in the noble cause. To do it again, the next night, and next . . . until Ragnarok. It is a reminder that we are all human and we need a night out to just remember we are human. People need to play.

Well, a night of blogging looks complete. I need to wake in a couple of hours to volunteer at the marathon. Its just another midnight at Denny's.

It's A New Dawn

Birds flying high,
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me..
And I'm feeling good--The Roar of the Greasepaint—the Smell of the Crowd, 1965 musical


Song Lifts the Spirit
How are you feeling? Lyrics from the “Feeling Good” written by Newley and Bricusse. Sang by many musical luminaries, Nina Simone, John Coltraine, Sammy Davis Jr, George Michael, the Muse, and so many more.

How are you feeling?
Word choice, the painting of a picture, the accompaniment of the percussion, the resonance of a singers voice raises spirits in ways that I cannot adequately describe. Every morning, I have been taking pictures of the sunrise. It reminds to think of something beautiful. This song “Feeling Good” explains has how I feel when I see the sunrise.

Firebird Promise, Why?
Seeing the sunrise, even when there is no sun to see, it still brings me . . .Joy. It brings me Hope. Knowing it is out there it brings me strength. I get energized. It brings me sleep, bringing me peace that a person can do more. A person remake oneself with every passing moment. One can get another chance. One can do more. One can do better. If not in this life, but in the next. One can strive to do more, to do better, to be better. It’s a new life.

Ray of Sunshine, You Can Be
Raining quite a bit lately. Streets flooded. Car stalled. Roads closed. Tornadoes stopped traffic. City blocks blacked out. Yet, knowing there a new dawn, a new day, I can’t help but feel good. I hope in your quest you remember that songs that brings a new Hope. In cloudy days, it may be a sliver of sunshine that can make all the difference in the world. Before you know it, the whole sky is filled with Hope and Joy.


Remember you, too, can be that sliver of light on that cloudy day. Be that blossom in the tree. Be that butterfly out having fun. You know what I mean. Hug your kids. Smile at the passerby. Kiss the Loved One. Be bold in this old world because in a flash it can be a new world. You can be that beam of light that starts the sunshine that takes up the entire sky.

Now, you know how I feel. “And I’m feeling good.”

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever--Keri Russell

Got a reply from Anne Rice today. I stapled it to my journal. It’s one of the highlights of this month. Its a Promise Booster. I made a promise to blog everyday. Made a promise to be more, to enjoy more, and to say thanks. Looking outside, I had to run out the door to keep a promise to say thanks every sunrise and sunset.

I made a promise to. . .
Trying to make myself a better person. Its not easy. Its not too hard. These little successes will lead to a place I would like to be. I find myself making random excuses like not feeling like going to the gym. Like its too cold outside to keep my sunset and sunrise promise to say thanks. Like I am too sleepy to just get up and go. The excuse volume is thankfully getting lower.

Parable Booster, Thank You Very Much
My horoscope said this would be an ideal time of reflection. In many ways, this has been true. On my “to-do” list I took today to burn CD’s that has been on my daily to do list for the last 20+ days. I caught up with my exercise journal and diet log. During this time I knocked out some DVD’s. They have been sitting on my shelf for some time: Mongols, Leap of Faith, Stop Loss, and W. Guess, I need an injection of "feel good", a parable booster.

Change Ain't Easy
As I wrote earlier, these stories from movies, from novels, from comics keep me on track. If it were just so simple to just tell yourself that you are going do this and act this way. I would have changed a lot sooner. Keeping with the program long enough that change you wanted incorporated becomes a part of who you are is not so easy. Simple, yes. Not too easy, yet. We too often return to the way things were done in the past because that is most comfortable. Change ain't easy. I mean, I haven’t been to the gym for a few days. Went to Las Vegas and I got off track. When I was logging entries in my exercise log and diet journal, things just fell off at the waist side. Have you reviewed your new year's resolution list? Personally, I needed these booster, a reminder, that I need to do things. Honestly, I want to get things done. Are you becoming who you want to be? Lost that weight? Eating better? De-Stressing?

Times just flies by with daily going-ons of daily life. One forgets where one wants to go. Writing this blog for instance has gotten admittedly easier. Trying to keep it down to 500 words or less. . .well, still working on it.


Need these reminders that I made promises
My philosophy of religion class discussed the formula. Professor Sherman summed it up this way. Follow God and reap the rewards. When people stop following this formula, then Shit happens. Return to program and things will get better. The instructor called it the Judge’s cycle. Solomon, David, Moses, and Ezra (I am not sure on the first three, but definite on the last one) Throughout the readings, it said that this the basic program. Much like the Hero’s journey formula.

Forty day—Makes It a Habit
For a society, I am sure it will take longer before its ingrained in everything we do. In your Hero's Journey, are you becoming? Or are your personal foes and demons keeping you down? I am still learning to keep some promises. I am still in the phoenix phase, a time of rebirth.


Some people change when they see the light, others when they feel the heat--Caroline Schoeder

Stand Up. You Are Not Alone, You Stand On the Shoulders of Your Ancestors

Principle and the Person: Are They One In The Same?
Sitting in Barnes & Noble watching “Nothing, but the Truth.” It’s a movie about the courage of reporter played Kate Beckinsale that was sent to jail. She held to her conviction and was jailed for almost three year for holding onto her beliefs. She held in the face of mortal harm—in the face of the weight of the government—in the face of troubled marriage--She held her ground. I am sure she would have done many things differently. Yet she held to a noble belief. Alan Alda playing the attorney that represented her through her incarceration had line that will stick me for awhile. The line was, ” I am representing you and not representing (your) principles.” Later in circumspect he said, “There is no difference between the principle and the person.”

What does this mean? If one has no principle, than one is not a person. In many ways, I find solace and strength in this belief. Certain beliefs, certain principles, certain faiths—these abstractions are the stuff of who we are. If we do not hold on or cherish these thought—these beliefs--these abstract concepts--we are no longer something more. We are simply the action and reaction of events. We are the nature/ nurture conundrum. We are simply the result. We are not something more. We are just the end results of previous events.

No Heart And No Soul—Nothing, But Chemical Reactions and Behavior Modifications.
I fall back on the “Defense of God” argument that was written earlier. We are the man-made concepts that describe things. We are cold—the absence of heat. We are darkness—the absence of light. We are evil—the absence of the Big Smile. Freedom, faith, love, hate, belief are just man-made concepts that gets us through the nights. Lies and fables that molds us to follow certain behavior. Hammurabi’s code, US Constitution, the Bible, Koran, the Torah—All this would mean that the stories are nothing, but management how-to book. The stories and fables are just a model of the human animal’s behavior.

No Convictions And No Soul Equals No Person
Can’t help but think we are nothing without conviction. If this true, it sends chills down my spine and through my soul. Analyze the person in the mirror. Who is he? Who is she?

I say a person of a conviction must stand. To be more, he needs to believe he is more. He needs to believe that he is part of something more. If it is a genetic program hardwired in our DNA, if it is a millennium of social engineering shaped by mythology and societal dogma, then let it be. Like re-writing the text, re-writing the program, let us remake who we are to be something more. We need to believe in order to achieve. See it, be it.

Be the Nail That Stands Up. Fear Not the Hammer
I say stand. Be the nail that tries to get hammered down. Be the one standing for something to believe in. Realize one thing you are not alone. You will never be alone. One will never be alone. Can you stand in the fire? Can you stand under the light? Can you stand alone on a belief?

Amistad—Stolen People, Stolen Story
Again, I steal. Not intentionally. This concept arose from a movie that moved me. The film was Amistad. Please watch this movie on the human spirit. It was not my intention to steal this film’s moral of the story. As I started writing, the moral revealed itself. Amistad encapsulates the human spirit to be more than what was before them. To grow, to develop, to evolve into something better, something grander—this is our charge.

Person and His Convictions Are Not Separate, But Irrefutably Infused
Are you and your principles separate or they infused? I argue there is a difference between being and intelligent person versus being a wise person. For me, knowing something is right and doing something right are often not the same act.

This link below is the movie speech that moved me. I hope you take time to watch and listen to moral of this story. http://www.americanrhetoric.com/MovieSpeeches/moviespeechamistadjqadams.html

Be more. Be your own Hero. Stand up. John Quincy Adams stated “. . .When a member of the Mende encounters a situation where there appears no hope at all, he invokes his ancestors. It's a tradition. See, the Mende believe that if one can summon the spirits of one's ancestors, then they have never left, and the wisdom and strength they fathered and inspired will come to his aid.” Stand up you are not alone. You stand on the shoulders of your ancestors.

Defense of the Big Smile

(Borrowed from the internet. Several sites have this)
Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything? The teacher asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name — Albert Einstein.

Turn a Different Corner . . .

Tibetan Book of Dead. Reincarnation. Multi-Generational process. Do you know your purpose in life? Have you answered that calling that burns inside of you? Do you know your own life question?

It has been said the people are close in our lifetimes are the ones we have been close many lifetimes. Think about your best friend right now. Is there or has there been something always familiar you have always felt with that person?

I think of Shazam, Elaine, and Brian.
Elaine is my soul mate. No, doubt in mind. She was the one. I knew her before I knew her. I was drawn to her. I knew not why, but from the moment we were friends, I knew she was the one. Just wasn't for this lifetime, but for many lifetimes. Shazam--my life was missing something for many years. We lost contact for years. We reconnected. Brian, my next door neighbor, growing up was somebody I sorely missed and still miss.

It is said we have these connections with great friends and terrible enemies. The threads of life are so intertwined that we keeping meeting until we get it right. We keep meeting, doing the same thing, playing the role over and over again. We keep having these chance encounters until we do it right. Think Robin Williams, What Dreams May Come. Robert Downey, Jr and Chances Are.

Sometimes, these connections are with someone we passionately hate. Do you know of anyone that just always seem rub each other the wrong way? It probably is some past life karma. These connections are enemies for life. Well, it could be for life or until you decide to fix and resolve these past sleights.

In our Hero's journey we have the significant others that we can count on to love--to hate--to be connected. Through thick and thin, we stay with these friends. An accidental sleight can turn our most trusted compatriots to our most detested enemies. Reed Richard and Dr. Doom. Peter Parker and the Green Goblin. Charles Xavier and Magneto. Close friends became are most rivaled enemies. I sleighted my closest friend and he hates me with a passion. I apologized to him in an email and I fear his hate and anger for me are still very deep. I have not heard any word since. Sometimes these relationships are of loved one's lost. A road that turned a different corner. Lancelot du Lac, Arthur Pendragon, and Guenevere. Jean Grey, Scott Summers, and Logan. It was Elaine, Michael, and Me. Good friends turned by rivals because of Love.

These stories have been told over and over again. Players have changed, but the game remains the same. Turn a different corners and we would have never known and met. I thank these times when we risked and were rewarded. I risk and flow. I imagine the reward of meeting an old friend for the very first time.

Watching Rain From the Bottom of the Pool

Raining outside. Nice though. Watching the raindrops hit the pool. I remember swimming when it was raining. Quite a sight. The glass ceiling would dance with drops of rain. It was like watching a meteor shower dance overhead. Yet, it wouldn't hurt. Watching the sky have stream of water hit all around you. Its quite a sight to see. May sound strange. I would love to do it more often, but. . .I don't know. Its cold. Pool is 38 degrees and the layer of body fat that would keep me warm is happily thin. I suppose I could have the hose and sprinkler set go while I was swimming, but it would not be the same. Not as random, too planned. Just letting the Big Smile do his thing. Watching the rain hit the pool is something to be in awe. I was more courageous when I was younger--or dumber--either way. I feared having thunder strike when I was in the pool. The fascination of just watching the glass ceiling over head just be bombarded with rain droplets was enough to brave the cold. I sit in the house, windows open. I sit watching the rain drops hit the pool. I imagine and remember the beauty and simplicity of something so wonderful.

I prayed yesterday. Actually, I pray more often. My niece and God daughter Kaprece performed well at her gymnastic competition. Seeing her complete her beam routine and watching her sigh with relief at its completion brought me joy. It was like watching rain from the bottom of the pool. Its was so simple yet my heart filled with so much joy. I get it when I watch Star Wars with Angelo. Sitting on the bed, he is holding his DS and watching Master Yoda do his thing. It is like watching Kaelynn dancing on stage.

I saw one of Em's artwork. It was a tree with a man. It looks like Jesus with trees coming out its body. A tree and its limbs are growing out of the long-haired man's body. He is wearing a watch or a wristband in his right hand. Can't see his face. His hair covers his face. In his hands, he is cradling a bonsai tree. Hunched over a tree is growing out of his body. I felt a joy for Emi is talented, quite artistic. It was not the same joy because I have not shared in that experience. It is world I am not a part of but I sorely need to be. I her pictures and smile, but it is happiness that is not fully experience. It is an artificial joy. An artificial-ness due to my own undoing. I hope someday, she will forgive me. I hope someday that I will be able to share those moments. So many moments I missed. It is like watching rain drops from the bottom of the pool. So beautiful. So amazing. So close. Not enough courage to bare the cold. i hope sometime soon before the clouds disappears that I will be able to brave the cold and just enjoy the beauty again. I pray that I will have one more chance to be with her. I hope someday she will forgive me.

There is so much beauty there if i would just jump in and bear the cold. Em, be well. I hope some time you will get the chance to see what its like to watch rain from the bottom of the pool. Its beautiful. Cold. Take the risk and jump in. Its worth the sight. I pray that I will build the courage to jump again. I know its worth it. Rain please don't go away. I missed so much I do not want to miss anymore.

Story to Come. Some significance I don’t know.

Riding home from Vegas in Aunty Tally’s car. She drives erratically. Hits on her brakes hard, giving me whiplash every three minutes. She swerves left. Swerves right. I am getting a concussions. I feel my left parietal lobe swing to the right then to the left. Getting quite concussed at the moment. Maybe it’s the wind swimming her left and right and she trying to compensate. Nope, she is not a very smooth driver. Herky, jerky. Lucky I ate, otherwise, I wouldn’t have anything to vomit later on.


On the left of the screen is Mongols. It’s the story of Ghengis Khan.

She speeds up and slows down. Gots to get the stomach churning. At least it will a consistent projectile vomiting.

Outside are the mountains to my right and mountains to my left. We pass another big rig. We’re going under some electrical lines. They dot the whole landscape..Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Come on. STOP WITH THE BREAKS

We are coming to the border. We just left the border. We’ll it’s time to go. I will write later.

Will You Answer The Call?

Watching Haiti Devastation is something. The capacity for good are within our grasp. So much being done, yet so much needed left to do. Can’t help thinking of this quote, "We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Watching VP Biden on Live CNN, saying we could do more, but there is more mass on Target. In other words, people could do more—more relief, more supplies, more help—can be given, but the logistics is slowing progress. An analogy was given, It was like fitting a bowling ball through a straw. Hard to imagine.

Be ready. Our capacity for humanity’s good is the bowling ball. We need to get a bigger straw. We need to let this capacity for good to be released.

Haiti’s earthquake, I fear, may be a preview for something more. I live in Southern California, Big Earthquake country. Future of Humanity’s Good is ready to be released. Borrowing an old Arthurian quote, “During England’s Greatest Time of Need, the King Shall Return”

Earth and Humanity’s need will not remember enemies’ words, it will remember if you did nothing. Be a Hero. Step Up. If you can’t help now, there will be a time. When the call is made, will you answer the call?