Big Picture

A downed friend. What do you do?

Hospitalized, sick. Reminisce of better times. Ask the question what happened. Truth seems a. . . sketchy. We speak of inane unimportance. Not wanting to be preachy. Not wanting to delve deeper with making an emotional investment. Not wanting to step on fragile self-images and tell one to stand up. I've been where he's at.

Conversation is awkward. There was reason we weren't close. Time

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passed and the journey we made together no longer brings joy and meaning in one’s life. Perhaps this is a test to move on. Perhaps this is a test for me to renew old friendships.

A tough balancing act. Its like meeting an ex. Time spent was good and had joy and purpose before. Simple enjoyment of being in one’s company sharing good times and memories.

Yet, there is thought in the back of the mind that there is a reason you are not together. Certain awkwardness in a failed, or changed relationship. Bumping to an old friend at a movie, you have lost touch with. Not a comfortable one. Yet, these moments of unease are. . .something. Not sure what to call it, but it is something. Found myself more comfortable writing on Facebook to some friends, then speaking to them in person.

"A self-believed projected image is what stopping me," I say. This is what I think you think of me and I like to keep that illusion in my head. Playing this story in one’s cinema of the mind. It’s not real. True. Yet, imagination is a powerful tool.

This is a bit self-deluded. In our own personal story, we are the stars. We forget that at times we are a side role. We at times a are major player. At times, we are a minor one.

This self-aggrandizing of being better is a bit deceptive. I don’t know. Perhaps this is all garbage?

An old friend I lost touch with hasn’t returned any messages. It feels that this is spreading with others. This has bothered me. What would we really have to say? How’s life? How are you doing? What have you been doing these past few years? Has too much time passed? Has too much river passed underneath this bridges?

I know there is joy and hope out there. I know there is meaning to this trial. Yes, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. But really, so what? This malaise is temporary. I know, but it sucks in the meantime. Picture is bigger than I can see at this juncture. I am not ready to see it now.

Asked this person if he had an Out of Body when he said he flat-lined. He said, “No.”

First Law of Thermodynamics states that “Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms. In any process in an isolated system, the total energy remains the same.”

We shift spectrum. Sometimes we are red, then orange, yellow, green, blue and indigo.Our wavelengths changes. We absorb the light energy and reflect back a certain color. Yes, this seems a bit alternative. For the moment, I will be okay with this.

Bird of feather flock together. Opposites attract—Not sure why this old friend manifested in my life, but I suspect there is meaning to this. Lesson for each one to learn. Trouble is learning what that message is. This exchange had purpose. It had meaning.

Perhaps, this chance encounter was to ready myself for unfinished business. Perhaps it was to give him Hope. Don’t know. We were friends long ago. Called him an “A-hole” sometime back. Firing this barb was uncalled for and limited. This is not nice and Karma is real.

Maybe as I free flow, this mystery encounter's meaning will be revealed. It had purpose for now and the future. It will all make sense at the end of this cycle. Glad that I went to see him. Facing this troubled soul I found that I could be him and then realized that I was him. 

There’s joy somewhere. We are made of sterner stuff. People fall all the time. It’s just getting back up, that's the hard stuff. Some people choose to stay down and continue their course of actions that has worked before. Now that circumstances have changed a course correction is needed. Well, this reminder of a "what if" has been played out. What is no longer working needs to be adjusted. Honesty and creativity I believe needs to be used here. These tools and steps will help see me through this.

Well, its time to keep the heart open and let the Big Smile guide me. Friend, door is open. Sorry for calling you an A-hole. I, too, was an A-hole. Maybe we'll get over this A-Hole disease together. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with. . . You know the rest. Guess, I will work on my own cliches. Be well.

Not Seeking. It Will Be Revealed

Where do I begin? Feeling troubled of late. Not sure if its me or if it is others. 

“Yesterday opened your eyes in many ways, the biggest of which was the fact that your current relationships need some tweaks. You may even be thinking that it's you, not the others, who need to make those changes. You've been thinking of little else since, and you're willing to put Stage One into operation yourself. Asking for help with Stages Two, Three, etc., certainly couldn't hurt and might be part of the solution.” My Aquarius Horoscope

This was my horoscope for the day. Actually tomorrow. Used to be an avid reader. Used to believe on getting a heads up for tomorrows adventure. Then I realize that I didn’t want to know the future. It took away from the excitement of living everyday as if it was your last. It took away because these generalization would be true whether I believed them or not. It was true in that I would do the opposite to make sure that these events the horoscope forecasted would not become true.

Learned of thing called self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believed certain events would happen, then consciously or unconsciously they would happen. Used to get déjà vu all the time. Got the feeling I’ve been here before all the time. The events of life moments seemed so familiar.

Well, I read the horoscope of the day before to see if what happened or not. I mean I still keep my birthday horoscope each year, but the power of horoscope once held no longer interest me. It seems a bit tired. I read once in awhile, but now no longer. They mystery of the day unfolding via the daily horoscope has passed.

Sure things of the future I am fascinated by. Walked by the New Age section of Barnes & Nobles and it was covered with 2012 stuff. Read stuff on Yahoo about the Sun being inactive and the next few years could be a turbulent times. Even picked up a dvd from the library about the rise and fall of Mayan and Incan civilization. They say that an increase of earthquakes would be signs of Armageddon ahead.

Perhaps my bout with Diabetes and CHF have made me get more spiritual. Seems a bit crappy I think. However, in my defense, I did not cry to God to help me because I had these illnesses. I did seek spiritual solace in my mistakes I’ve made. Found myself going to church weekly and daily. Visited churches and mission up and down the LA area. On my trip to SF, I wanted to visit all these missions. Started reading about Islam, Hinduism, Judaism. Still doing that now. Watched videos on Mormonism. Catholicism, and the such.

I attend church regularly, and I find that I thank the Big Smile more and more every day. Read snippets of many religious practices. More and more I read, I find myself wanting more. Learning more. Each religion I found very sensible and very uplifting. What I’ve been troubled is with a lot of the humanness and frailties that take the Word and distort the message by the messenger. Catholic priests and child abuse. Muslim terrorists and plots against Americanism. Christian zealots attacking same-sex marriages. It seems many conflicts and wars were religious based.

Live this way to reach Heaven, Nirvana, and so on. Live another way and you will go wherever.

I read that in “Everything You Need to Know About Judaism” book that Abraham as child destroyed all the statues in his father’s shop except the big one with a hammer. When his father asked, Abraham said that the big one destroyed the others. Here is where monotheism begins. In another book about Buddhism, it said that Brahman also believed in the monotheism centuries years before the Lamb of God and Prophet Muhammad. Vishnu, Brahma, Shiva were all facets of the same ultimate being.

Guess a little knowledge is dangerous. Guess, I am deadly. Lots of little knowledge here and there. Immerse myself in all and everything. I am learning nothing.

All this reading, experiencing, and discovering I have asked question and the answers are coming. Intuitively, there is a higher purpose, a higher being. Intuitively, I believe there are reasons for things happening. Intuitively, I believe in a Flow.

Do I believe in Muhammad? Do I believe in Joseph Smith? Buddha? Dalai Lama? Jesus Christ?Of course I do. They all preach a lesson of God’s Love. All preach be good to one another. All preach a Higher higher.

So this spiritual journey, this quest, this moment of my life finds me not looking for answers. These answers will be revealed to me.

It’s funny sitting here at It’s a Grind a Bible study is forming. Twelve people are surrounding all around. I may say something. It’s funny how things manifest itself. Well, guess, I will listen and pray.  Answers are being revealed.