. . .We Change

Been noticing a change. Change in other reactions. Noticing relationships being altered and I am not sure its for the best. This stuff is my own making. Well. . .not all of it. Things could have been done differently. Attitudes can have been assuaged. Little things might have made the difference. Is it too late? Maybe. Will things turn for the best. I don't know.

We'd like to think things would be the same. But this is so far from the truth. We live. We love. We Die. We Cry. We become remorseful. We fill wth regret. We harbor what ifs. We shower in doubt. We crash and bottom out. We pause and think will it forever last. We rest. We cry and then lift up and lie. We feel the weightiness of the world. We close and fall unconscious. We think this sleep is our only solitude. We get up and return. We eat a little. Sleep a little.We take a bite. We close our eyes and breath a little.

We get up. Again and again. We sleep some. eat some. Breathe some more. The heaviness feels lighter as we get stronger. We remember we can go some more. Go some more.Get up some more. Eat and sleep, some more. We breathe and breathe.

Change is not so bad. Our friends and family will go where they need to go. We decide whether to go with them. We decide to go with some and let some go. We go and go until we find where we need to go. At times we get lost but we find our way. We find our way. We find our way. At least I'd like to think so. Maybe its revealed. Maybe its delusion. I realize that it is more important to be creative.

So, we lose because what is worth keep and what is worth letting go. . .It can be the same. we learn to give Love is what worth giving because its what keeps us. What binds us. What holds us all together. So . . .

Trust in Something Bigger

Clippers put a beating on today. Just they were mentally tougher, physically stronger, and teamwork more cohesive today. One can tell by the body language by the Rockets. They were defeated. Careless fouls. Rushed shots. One announcer said, "Rockets have to look inside and see if they are beaten." Its hard to come to this realization. Not sure one has the fight in them. That first crack on the armor of invincibility. There's anger in them fouls. There is hurt and fear. Despite a good year, frustration weighted them down. Questions are whether they are good enough? Only one can say aye or nay to this. One needs to be honest. Look themselves in the mirror and know. Look inside of themselves and know.

I remember reading this comic book. It had the Thing boxing against the Champion, an Elder of the Universe with a Infinity Stone. Clearly, the battle in the ring was won. However, when faced with against the Champion, Thing bloodied and bruised. He looks up and say, "You only beaten my body. My Spirit you will never Conquer." This story always stood out to me. Just realization that One's spirit can not be broken. Not unless one allows this self-pity and despair blankets them. Having the energy sucked out of them. It takes that little crack in the Dam the wall of water will break through drowning ones in defeat.

An old wrestling coach used to preach, "One may be a better wrestler, but they will not be better shape." This one lesson seemed hard understand. Losing sucks. However, in the long run if one can't execute these great moves when times are tough, than what does it matter.

Not winning is not entirely bad. Sometimes we need a little culling. Ass kicking. Beat Down before can move on. This discovery that right now. Its not enough. The tools, the skills, the conviction are in need of hardening. Strengthen the resolve to overcome what ever challenges face them. It is foolish to think one is entirely invincible. It is the synchronicity of body, mind, and spirit. It is when all parts are working that much can be done. Yet it may not enough. One basketball player can win a few games some time; however, Hero Ball, will not win a championship. One part can compensate for others;however, this strain can become too much to overcome.

Today I felt a strain. It was in the roughness of one's voice. Heard the pain. I know something is not in sync. Today was Mother's Day. There was a breakdown. Messages failed. Communications broke. Cohesion took a hit.  I fear that I know the true, unsaid reason for the break down. It has to do with Pride and unfortunate life realities. Not trusting the Truth about some situations. This denial. . .It is causing some pain. Not being told and not being trusted with some Truths it is hurtful. Putting this facade rather being truth telling.

Guess, when one is ready to let others in, they will do so. Hopefully before too much time has passed and too much strain has been endured. This is hard to hear at time. Hard to accept. However, this step is necessary. So. . .I will let things run its course. Let the river,the currents do what they do. Why? Because there are other forces more powerful than me. So I can scream at the Waves overhead crashing on me. I can make haste and pretend one can outrun time--outrun fate--outrun the end. Both are right. Both are foolish. Only History will determine what was best.

Its a Test of Faith.

Winds of Change

Winds blowing again today. Not the sea crashes of last night, but a gentle breeze. More like a cool kiss on a summer lake. Finding that place between change and stillness. A soft yielding to the generous eventuality. Like when one grows old. Not an abrupt transformation, but Time's reminder to get going with what needs to get to get done. Can't stay where you are. Others behind need their turn. Whispers of the eventuality kneading one forward. Realizing our output is not where it once was. The vehicle we drive is no longer top of the line. We pretend that its good enough. Knowing deep, deep, deep inside that place that change is closer than we think. This quiet denial. . .Its a protest. Not an angry one, but there nonetheless. Hearing the sinew of our muscles cough. We slowly listen to that protest that say, "Check Engine is On"

Our time machine is taking us on an adventure. This portion of our trip is a few stops from our next adventure. Winds are not the tornado ready to uproot all that we know. Its. . .Its. . .Its almost time to go back Home. Going back to share with what we learned. Review with messengers on our shoulder what they recorded. We are closer to the back end than the beginning. Paid the price. Some parts smarting. Others well worth the Investment. Others--Glad we are going downhill than racing upward.  Cruising on neutral letting the forces at play take us on our way.

So, the rustle of leaves are singing. Its time to close my eyes and let the gentle winds wash over me.

Third of this year is Over

Lights out. TV is on mute. Tomorrow is a little more than half an hour from now. Winds blowing and the sounds of the leaves bustling through the wind sounds like waves crashing on the beach. Rained a bit early, early morning.

Change is brewing on this May evening. Snow covers the mountain toward the south. A news segment stated Big Bear had snow. Winter weather drive some of this Spring away. What's the latest? Nothing I am ready to report. Just trying to find balance with all the goings on.

Clippers manhandled the Rockets today. Chicago won a close one against LeBron and the Cavs. Ducks played to day but not sure of the score. NFL draft concluded a few days back. Josh Shaw got picked up by the Bengals. Precie got the full ride. Beber is going to Nevada. Ron Mitchell is getting married at the end of the month. Precie will be graduating soon. She's also going on trip to Iowa for nationals. NIT. She is the state champion on uneven bars. Lynn won Sophomore President.Ran unopposed. Nanay's still walking and I haven't gymed it in a couple weeks. Knees been swelling up. Aunty Dely had her birthday a few days back and today was Uncle Alex's Bday.Been instagramming too much these last few days.  Talked with Em last week. When the Avengers 2 came out. Jaron had a birthday party and Manny lost to Mayweather.

Season drawing to an end for the NBA. I'm projecting its the Clips v Bulls for the Championship. What is more to say. Haven't made a dent on some of bucket lists. Garage still needs some Spring Cleaning. Car, too. Finished my reading Challenge. 215 books completed before the end of the year. Might shoot for 365. Still brewing this over.Drawings still needs some work. Writing and Timelining are still on the agenda.

Looks like football practice is starting again. Wonder how this year will play out. Its football weather right now. Precie's leaving for school soon. Would like to set up some care package. Got on 365 today. Started that. Finishing up April. Still need March and May. Jalen and Mikayla are in Vegas. Jiujitsu I assume. Not sure what the story is with Ron, Sham, and Germaine. Sleeping at Ron's Sham got hired at the Golden Arches. Uncle Alex and Aunty Norma did a roadie to Fresno. One of our relatives passed. That day there was a viewing before his body was to be shipped to the PI.

California is going through the fourth year of a drought. Election is next year. Russia is flexing its presence in the Ukraine. Star Wars will be out this coming Christmas. Marvel movies are coming down the pipe. Lakers had a troubling year. Still no Dodgers on TV. What else to say for the first third of this year?

I am going to leave here for now. More posts will be coming down the pipeline.

Seventy Seven Minutes

It's been a few days. Sitting on the phone for the DMV. Yes, its been awhile. Lines at the DMV look even worse. Tried a few times, but the block long lines has been a great deterrent. Only a few more weeks to get this business done and it scares. Not anything life threatening, just the time spent in line. Its not a concert or a Disneyland ride. Its the DMV. Sure it must be done, but other things are taking precedents.

Tried getting on the internet to resolve this, but, of course, the data they have does not match their records.What I was hoping for smooth sailing, all it is choppy waters. Guess, this is an exercise in patience. My blood sugar feels low and the smell of food is wafting through the air. My olfactory nerves are firing those neurons. They're telling me to hang up the phone and try another day. Yet, the sunk cost on the phone is telling me otherwise. This seventies music is hauntingly eye closing. I'm being put into a trance that the someone human will answer soon.

Twenty minutes later and I still am hypnotize to believing that my call will be answered soon.

Still waiting. . .

And more waiting. . .

And yet more.

Its funny how left with the droning dulcet sounds of DMV wait music, one lets all these thoughts manifest. Two hour wait. . .I could watch a movie in that time. . .Been wanting to watch that movie Exodus. . .Christian Bale is good actor. . .So is the Actor that played Ramses. . . I liked him in that movie, Warriors. . .Soundtrack, storyline, actors, universal themes, relatedness. . .My former writing instructor loved that movie. . .Wonder how she's doing?   From her FB pics I've seen she may have gotten back together with her ex. . .They were on that TV shows about MILFs or Cougars. . .That one lady in Zumba is a MILF

Damn, the DMV message was not human. I don't care about the alternative options. I don't care about Vehicle registration. I don't care about filling a customer service survey. All I would like to do is get my license renewed and can you help me get that done without wasting hours waiting at DMV office. Guess its better here in the comfort of home. Here I can turn on the boob tube and make some chow. Netflix too. Well, guess I could do that the DMV with the tablet, but at times it smells there.

Phone says I have been on the phone for 35 minutes and still no human contact.

It could be worse, but at the moment I am too hypnotized to think otherwise.

"We value your feedback. . .Blah Blah Blah. . .Go on our website. . .Blah Blah Blah"

That gnawing sound. . .That is the music shredding the first protective layers of my brain. Cranium has already been decimated. Now its on the Dura Mater, the Arachnoid Mater, and soon the Pia mater. Wonder what section of the brain will go first. Temporal, Occipital, frontal, Parietal. Maybe it will fill up the meninges and suck out all the cerebrospinal fluid. What about the cauliflower looking thing? Cerebellum, Maybe its my spinal cord will wither away. Can't really muster the strength to get up and go. Legs are numb and my derriere is quickly atrophying.

Wonder if this violates the Geneva Convention? Maybe they can pass an addendum. Waiting for the DMV as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Wonder if this waiting is. . .Waiting over. . .Please. . .Please. . .PLEASE!!!

So cruel. . .There was a quietness and voice came on. It was the message again. I don't care about the variety of services provided. I just want to speak to a human. I am betting Purgatory is a bureaucracy.

Eyes are watering. Nose is congested. Migraine is forming. 48 minutes and 44 seconds and still no human word. Horoscope did say, "Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."

It also said, "Communication takes center stage as you engage with others who can help you achieve success. However, it's tempting to say too much or push the limits of a conversation too far, negating the positive gains already made. Your sense of urgency is based upon unnecessary fears."

Looks like its ripcord time soon. 53 minutes and still no love. Communication has taken center stage and I was hoping to engage soon. Well, I'll add some pictures and if nothing happens soon. I am pulling soon and parachuting out of this Dead Zone.

One hour and seventeen minutes. I am pulling the ripcord.

Moments Like These

Been up all night. Just too wired up to sleep. Too much penne and pesto, I guess. Slept early and woke up at 1 and just couldn't sleep. Looked up and its 5:35 am. Its a Sunday so headed to mass soon. Got to shit, shower, and shave in a minute. So I wanted to put something down before heading out. Once out, don't want to get back in until its time to check in.

Non Zumba day for me. It a Sunday and getting to class just isn't to happen. Good day yesterday. Did some grocery shopping and wandered around Target for some non-thinking time. Looked at the Roku and chromecast. Debating on whether to pick one up here or just use the mpoints and have it shipped. Either way not high priority. Yesterday was nice because wanted to take the girls for popcorn and a movie. It was Unbroken. Not bad flic. It was Angelina Jolie produced movie. Won't say it was the best I have seen. Just felt it could have been better. Maybe it was the ending. Maybe it was the directors choices in the storytelling. Flashback were important, just didn't get that "Uuumph" when watching a great movie. I mean you know when you see a great movie that will have some gravitas. My movie Gravitas include Matrix, Fight Club, Forrest Gump, Blair Witch Project, Something About Mary.

I am sure there are people will say there are far better movies than the ones chosen. However, we know movies that will have a cultural phenomenon. Movies that people will hit a chord. We all feel it. There are somethings that have a greater impact on others. Perhaps it was the nature of the event. Perhaps it was the quality of the people involved. Perhaps it was a plain day that was a precursor for something not so wonderful. Regardless there is a moment of self-actualization. It was the nascent of Flow. I assume we all have had these moments. A first kiss, a wedding, a day at the park with one that is no longer her. Winning basket, that pin or knockout under the arena lights.

There's a Joy that lifts us.

For me, it was bit like yesterday. Eating supper with the kids. Watching movies with Loved Ones. It was rainy beautiful. No past hangups. No future worries. Just the right now of the Moment. This blog was started to remind of us Hope and things that warms our thoughts at night. We wish moments like these would last more and more often. We get caught in the drudgery of the day. Commuting couple hours in the morning and night. We worry about keeping and getting that next paycheck. Worry there is food in the cupboards. We see people selling flowers by the golf park. We see vets with cardboard writings asking for help. We see people with plastic bags full of recyclable sifting through the trash. We see Homeless vets sleeping in front of the County Library during the middle of the day. Bags of trash dumped in open spaces. Tags of graffiti on housing track walls by the elementary schools. We see business closing shops like Panera and Pennys. We hear about terrorist attacks at on the news and hear about Police doing work slow downs.  We learn corporate business get bailed out and immoral CEOs jumping out with golden parachutes paid for the American Taxpayers. We hear elected officials guilty of adultery, laundering, and wasting.

There is so much to be upset about, So when these moments of Flow arise, it makes so much more rewarding and precious. Like a breath of fresh air for drowning man. Will just say, I wish that there was  more of an overflow of Flow.

Anyways, the sun will be rising shortly and I still need to ready myself for morning gifts. Need some G Time and get right with the Big Smile.

Delay Isn't a Denial

It was an accident.

Just looking on Facebook to see what the lady's name. Attending Zumba class on regular basis, one sees the same face often. Here and there we introduce ourselves. Some names are remembered and other times it falls in the recesses. One smiles in recognition and yet name recall fails. After awhile, let's say a year, smiling happens but name exchange fails. In time, a long time, we just smile. Don't want to be rude and ask their name again because to not know their name would be "sucky"

Well, that happened to me. In my pursuit to find a person's name, one inadvertent tap on the Iphone screen may have sent a friend request to a fellow Zumbaer. I say this because I got a Facebook friend acceptance. Hardly know this person. I know who this person is because I am often behind her in class. She is close companion of the one I like to watch move. This one is always on point and is light on her feet. If she denied the request, I would have never known this request was sent. Now I am afraid that mistake may sent the wrong message.

Don't want to make more of than what it is. Its nice getting accepted. It would have been awkward. Probably is anyways. So here it goes.

Its these accidents, It happens more often than naught. Few days back, I was headed to Lancaster. Taking the back roads, I had this feeling I should have turned left on Avenue P. Almost to Avenue M, I see cars taking a left. Normally, this does not happen. Heading left would mean driving toward the airport, and eventually turning back to Palmdale. In other words, I would be making a U turn. At the four way stop, a police car had the road block. Should have made a left when that feeling hit.

Of course, I had to be in Lancaster in less than twenty minutes. On Avenue P, it was going to be longer because there are more lights and the train tracks had a fifty-fifty chance of being blocked off. Got on Avenue P, and there it was a single lane. Yeah, orange sign saying "Right lane closed. "Figures, normally a twenty minute drive was close to be an hour drive delay. Not the plan I had. Being late is one of my pet peeves.

Finally getting where I needed to be, it looked like my delay was right on time. Person I needed to see was headed to small claims court. She was in a fender bender with an uninsured motorist. Apparently the third car in the driveway, the one with the damaged right front end, had someone hiding in the front seat. Not thinking it was anything worth of note, I went into the house to the open door to meet my friend. Asking my friend what's the story with the damaged car and the person sitting inside. She had no idea who the person in the car in the driveway.

Both of us walking outside, we see the dust fly in the air. She recognized the car and it apparently was the road rager that hit her car. Not saying anything would have happened to my friend if I had been there on time. Really don't want to think that way. Yet I can't escape the feeling, I was there when I was supposed to be.

When these unforeseen delays just manifest themselves over and over. I don't hold this frustration and anger as long as I used to. These gremlins I no longer rage over. Don't want label                    these incidents as "happy" accidents. Just seems that incidents are just curve in the road that needs to be driven through. Just have the faith based belief, that all will be revealed.

So this surprise friend request, I will just shrug it off and say "Thank you" Bigger plan is out there and I just pray that all will be revealed.

Why Change?

Morning write, its been some time. Welcoming the Flow. Got much done early and I find that I am needing an afternoon nap more often than before. Got crunchers and planks out of the early. Caught up for the missed one the day before. Same with the push ups too. It seemed easier than before. Maybe it was the breakfast and lunch that fueled me. Nonetheless, it was nice not being sore. Perhaps I pushed through the place where aching muscles live.

Its  that initial push. Its the acceptance of the backslide. Its the moving on, where wishes meet habit. Beginning of the New Year is always a good place to begin anew. Its a time to start over. Let go what's been holding you back. When I hear people breaking resolutions, I find it a habit of negative self confidence. That acceptance of being less than your expectations. Sure there are reasons people fall, but to say it so depressingly. To accept what has been done before as reasonable excuse. It so defeatist. They may cry its not realistic expectation. I answer than Why? If the initial condition is not satisfying than alter, Alter attitude or change condition. Accept what you can't and fight for what you can. It seems an easy formula to understand.

I think its challenging to execute.

There are so many reason why people fail. A lot of it seems self defeating. Just need to find that reason to succeed. Making it inevitable. Making the result an afterthought. Finding that place in your mind where it manifest. It seems once that place is found all the vibrations in the world make that a reality. We subconsciously/ consciously create that world.

Guess this is why I have been drawn more to the arts of late. Drawing. Origami folding. Posting blogs. Its this need to create. Its this need to let subconscious Flow. Perhaps this a first step to Maslow's Actualizing. Being All You Can Be. This idea that thought are substantive. Seeing and appreciating the arts more makes me realize more and more of its importance.

From a View

Devil's Chair at the Devil's Punch Bowl. This has been one of my bucket list items. It scares me. Do I have the lungs for it? Will I faint going up from the desert to the forest? Will this three hour walk? Will it be too much? I am fearful because I don't want to overestimate my fitness.

Saw relatives take picture from this place.Couple of little grade schoolers and sister in laws no older than me. I Zumba regularly. I can ride a bike for a couple of hours straight. I can lift and crunch better than some. So why does this 3.3 miles worry me. It worries me because it scares me. Don't want to look foolish. Don't want be stupid with my heart. It scares me because there is doubt. It scares me because there are real world life ending possibilities.

Limitations scare me.

So what now? Can't put it off too much longer. I will be too old and my health well. . .Let's leave it at that.

In light of New Year's Resolutions, I really need to consider that whether I should keep this on the list.

Guess, we face these realities all the time. We ask do we have to the stuff to make it happen. We ask is it worth the price to be paid. Is the risk, well, is it worth it? We fall into these patterns. Deciding to take a leap? We ask should you go say "Hi" and talk to that person that catches your eye. We should decide to go two 45s when bench pressing. We should decide to take that Zumba class for the very first time.

Its scary. Spinning is one that I have concerns. Devil's Punch Bowl at the Devil's Chair is another. Saying Hi to Smoky and the Tatted One. Its these little things we all must face. Too long in the hiding and fear grips us. Opportunities missed and Life is less lived. This is what scares me the most.

So if I fall and can't get up, I think its better than not jumping at all. So Jump.

Twenty One

Twenty one years goes by fast.

"Just flew by," Roberta said. That phone call in Victorville. That hole in the wall. She left and I wasn't ready to follow. The two came by my work and like that it has been two decades. So many chances to make the course corrections. Still, the dye was cast and life happened.

Much has happened since that moment. It all matters little because my vision is tunneled. No time to wallow. No need to either. That part has passed and the endless joys and pain, well, its run its course. Moments are gone. Twenty one years of them. A blank page is tomorrow. A life has been lived with more to come. I am on the next incarnation of me. She is on her new journey. Maybe will connect? Maybe we won't? Not sure.

Two decades flew and many unforeseen events have happened. So I will pray for her well being. I will have her in my thoughts. I will pray that happenstance connects us.

Big Smile, please allow her an incredible day. Please allow her an incredible life filled with joy and adventure. Please help her find her place in the Circle.  HBD, Em.