Getting to okay

Her birthday is tomorrow and I've already given a gift. I would like to give more but I don't think it will be received well. To do so, may make things uncomfortable. A line has been defined and this conversation has been discussed many times. I've been told maybe I'm not getting it. Words no other feelings more than a friendship.

I know all this. I've known all this. Still, I remain stupid. Don't want to jeopardize friendship but I've made a few attempts to end it. Clearly I'm not strong enough yet to say goodbye and mean it. Timing has been off. Or she doesnt have any feeling like that. She said so.

I'll be gone in a few days. Doing a roadie with family. She'll be gone on couple of vacation too. Probably won't see her until the end of the month. Might be good because this fondness is ...

Don't want to label it. However, I find her incredible. Attractive, smart, and with a joy. She's vulnerable and strong. She's considerate and kind and I hate her. Well that's what I used to say. It was akin to say Bad is good. Hate to ...you get it. It was the sign off.

Given the current trajectory I don't imagine anything more. Feelings of loss, a passing of sorts. Acceptance in feelings. An acceptance of words. Soon an acceptance in action. Then that will be it. Karma has shown me the possibilities I never imagined a few months earlier. It will close this window and I'm sure another door will open. Still I like this door. But that would be selfish of me. What are values unless they are tested and hardened by action.

Fate had me take a chance to talk with another. Showed me a likely scenario. Real life example of choices gone awry. I've met a few of the players and it would not be right. I dont want to inconvenience any.

I talked because it flowed. Connection fed. Yet, it stopped and I found myself wanting. Now, I find my self weaning off and I feel sadness.

It's an acceptance thing. Got angry, denied,

bargained and now depression and acceptance soon to come. This time not so hard. Had angel wings soften the blow and quicken the stages.

 I know. Something more, these feelings stir. May not be for her...anymore. I'm getting to okay with this.

I'm Done

I'm Done.

"In terms of a relationship, it might be time to get distance from a situation where ones was not exactly bringing the best in you. You will be alright by yourself, don't worry." Its what today's horoscope said. Tomorrow reads, "You're at an important fork in the road of your life that requires you leave some important people behind. But saying goodbye to them will be surprisingly easy when you take a moment to look at all you have to gain by moving on. Plus, they support you 100 percent. Staying on same path is a mistake,  so you are wise and brave to take an unfamiliar path. You only have to gain from taking this journey. So get ready to embark upon one of the most rewarding phases of your life!" from "Astrology.com" Not sure I am two feet in with astrological forecast. I do believe in Self -Fulfilling prophecies. We have script in our head that our unconcscious buys and then we go and make these things happen.

Recently, came to the revelation, parts of my life was lacking. Three or four months, social life turned up a few gears. Reconnected with old friends, started opening self to people, and I started crushing on one lady I shall call an "Impossible."

Long story short, read above. Not that I am angry at situation. (That much) It was a stirring. Made me realize, that I want to be #1 in a person's life. Shared my experience discretely with trusted confidants. It was new and exciting. Depressing and soul crushing. Yet made me realize, I am ready for a roller coaster. Been hermiting myself for some time. I have shed some weight metaphorically and physically. Feels a bit of a graduation.

My confidence is higher by unsolicited comments and I find it motivating. Making me feel lighter. Been connecting with the Big Smile by going to His House and just being thankful. Its the connectedness. Not alone, but part of something bigger. A bigger plan and place in the story. 

Its been a journey and from what it states with the forecast, a Price needs to be paid for the next phase. Not an easy price, since this one seems Perfect. Hits all my sweet spots. Dancer, full of joy and love, classy and unpretentious, and Impossible. This journey has been eye opening I realize my impossible standard has been setting up wall of other possibilities. Building a fortress around my heart so as not to be two feet in other situations. It was a safe place to be. Admire from afar and not commit to right now. This was an effective strategy for awhile. Got things done and still was able to make connections. Not strong ones, but connections. In time, connections and relationships grew and have taken root.

Water under the bridge and then there is no turning back. Looking back, I knew this was happening and I would be at this place right now. Remembering the Future. That phrase stuck with me. Remembering the Future. Looking at the trajectory and seeing possible placements. Nothing is certain until its unleashed.

Maybe its some Karmic preview.

We meet the people we are supposed to meet them at the time we need to meet them. Reconnected with Blue Sock and Shazam. Now Serendipity. May never happen.  My public quote on social media "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." --WEB Dubois

Looks like that this is tomorrow.

Discovered why I like dance/ Zumba so much. Discovered who I was always dancing with. Discovered why I am attracted to certain types and certain relationship. I knew the craziness and the likely eventuality of this course of action. Everyone told me and I still wanted to endear. I wanted to go through the process. Win or Lose. I was afraid that if I didn't go, I would never go. So Jump, I did. Not fair being a half person to myself or others.

I know it doesn't need work. It should be easy. Busy and no time is not an excuse. A blow to the self-respect need not be part of the equation. "...not bringing out the best you"--That is what's been happening. Not being the best me and by definition needs to go.

I define my freedom. Freedom from irrational beliefs. Freedom from toxic situation. Freedom from chains of the past and the duties of tomorrow.

Leave important some important people behind. If they come, they come. If not thank you for being there when I needed you. Hope exchange was fair.


I am ready.

I am done.

Started with a girl. . .

"It started with a girl. . ."--I wonder  how many resolutions started with this. I wonder how many lives have changed because of this. Too many I suspect. Not saying the start off is good or bad but the theme may be a universal one. Eve offered Adam a bite. I am not sure but I suspect those that know know. Started with a brush of the lips of good friends that took a liking. Than the course of ones life was forever altered. Attending a dance class just to say, "Hi" It started with a Jazz Exercise class because it was an attempt to be close when they were on the other side of the continent. Morphed to aerobics and this obsession started into a career. I liked the Hip Hop instructor, Than I tried Step and next 10 years of my life found me at Baer's, then Golds, and LA Fitness. Was members of a few others but it stemmed from, "It started with a girl. . ."

Now, I find myself looking ahead of another life changing step. May be temporary but I suspect one door closing and another one opening happening here. Been a Zumba-aholic for some time. I knew I would be. Went out of my way of not going to class because I knew once I was in, I was in. Its been that way for a good year. Took on average of 2 and half classes per day. Often taking three and four on more than one occasion. Tried to find that place of not getting too close to others because I knew that some day I would take a liking or that the beginning of a friendship may lead to growing affections. This may or may not be develop but if it didn't than something would have to change. Knew it from the start and I wasn't ready to risk it. I know the best way to continue attending class and not make that association with a person and with the class. Its like driving by an exes place so much that the pain eventually wanes. There is a psychological explanation--operant conditioning blah blah blah

So what, anyways I am putting it out loud for the Universe to hear and for me to follow through. No Zumba for a month. No Facebook for two. I've been on the last few days of a no fast food for 3 month stint and I am in my last week. Probably wean myself back in May for Zumba but I will go to other places. Will try spinning and have more yoga. Lift more and just try other things. Its funny how it starts. Knew nothing should happen because others were involved. Just imagination running wild and I guess that was why I let my guard down.

In any event, this is positive. Work on other goals and I realize I am ready for the Universe to let others in. Cocooned myself for some time and tried to be that island but the ocean currents were strong and it made me realize that its okay to risk. Okay to hurt. Okay to move and move on. Sometimes radical change is called and one needs to Flow.

Looking at the lineup, I think I was due for change. Not liking the subs too much and I realized withdrawals and knew that bonding was growing. I am sure there will be awkwardness ahead, but I suspect its for the best. So. . .Its out loud and now its on the internet-verse. No un-ringing of this bell. Probably regret, but like in chess there are no take backsies. We make a gather info, consider options, than we act (or not). Not acting is not my nature. Choosing to do other things is mine. If anyone asks, "It started with a girl. . ."

No Pictures, just got to use the ones in your head

Heeding the Mighty Howls of the Shih Tzu

Hour of the wolf and what wakes me up are the yelping of a shih tzu/ poodle mix. "Aawooo!!! Aawoo!!!  Aawoo!!!" In my dreams it was the howling of some long powerful lupine. When I woke it looked more like a Chihuahua. Guess it could be worse. Pee on the carpet or Poop in the corner. Could ignore the call of the wild, but the other possibility. . .well, I just got up. Thought that maybe before my rhythms reset, I best listen to the winds of the muse. It is said, this time, middle of the night is when all the cosmic energies are swirling around waiting for a host share its voice. Been awhile since I answered her call. Too long.

Maybe best that I listen to the muse. Listen to the creative juices before they leave me. Best answer and this early morning call. On the East Coast, many people would be walking out the door and starting my day. Here I am listening to the water from my aquarium flow and the air from the CPAP blow. White noise that one ignores until its all silent. Silence from the muted TV. Silence of the people sleeping in the house. Silence from the day yet to waken in a mere couple of hours.

So what gets me up? The idea that if I don't rise, I will wake to evening accident of an overfilled bladder of a mutt. Could be worse. Hearing some of the terrible stories. Flint, Michigan their waters a lead poisoned. Children will not be cured. There is none. Mothers going to clinics knowing their children will have lifelong neuorological damage caused by corrosive water pipes and a poor budget choices. Warnings were there. Auto factories stopped using water because it was corroding the metals. EPA agent warned of this disaster but the boss ignored and tried to quiet the angry storm. A governor apologizes and begs for Emergency Help.

Less than half an hour from me, the earth of Porter Ranch is leaking clouds of methane gas in the air. Children are getting nosebleeds and headaches. Dogs, cats, and horses are reported on the news similar symptoms. Schools and homeowners are relocated to avoid the invisible gas. Yet like one deep horizon oil well spewing  hundreds  gallons of oils per hour, fouling the seascape around, the businesses claim no wrongdoing and no responsibility. They claim the people are safe and yet all the evidence to the contrary. They blast whistle blowers calling their science ridiculous.

Its an angel in the dark. Like a child caught wrongdoing and they appeal that their right is just. They hope this distraction will divert the attention of the parental unit.Imagine its like the drunk driver feigning responsibility for the destruction caused and saying its was only buzz driving. One could get angry, but I am sure many of us didn't heed our better angels.Every evening we hear stories of evils that could have been avoided. Maybe its our nature to bite the apple. Maybe we weren't supposed to live in the Garden. Lesson learned hopefully its not too late.

Heeding to the call of  the yelping dog seems a better choice than dealing with all the crap of inconvenience and ignorance. Is the price to pay for stewardship is handling business of nature?

We are told that there is rumblings in the background. The clarion call of upcoming doom. The signs are written on the wings of angels. Heed . Or Don't. Failing infrastructure, global warming, signs of recession--we can relegate these to white noise that many ignore. But while we sit still in the late evening of the comforts of our bed, the water continues to flow. The invisible gas leaks poisoning house and home. Ignore the signs. Sleep while the dog howls. Wake up to shit and piss the next day.

Or. . .

Or. . .

Or. . .Get the F#&K up and take her for a walk. Deal with crap now or live with crap just steps away. Wake Up and Walk. Please.

Story Goes. . .

. . .And I don't want that.

I have a post that's been sitting in draft for a couple years. Knowing when I wrote it, it would be some time before I would be ready to read it. Not sure if I will ever post it. Just story that I am not sure if I will be ready to tell. Wonder how many of us has these stories within us?

Been holding on to another story and I need to let it out. Been researching for some time.  Been neglecting her. Listened to part of an audiobook by the author, Eat, Pray, Love. She goes on about how she had story about young mid-western lady going to Brazil to find her boss's missing son and money. Life got in the way and she put it down for a couple of years for various reason. She met an admired author and later learned that the story that she had intended to finish, well, it left. Unbeknownst to her, with a kiss, the story found another storyteller. Over lunch they both learn, that it went to her new found BFF, the newly friended admired author sitting across the table.

After hearing this I was prompted, aka a kick in the butt, if I don't write it this story will be moving on to another writer. Well, its long overdue. She needs to be freed. She needs to dance. Her story needs to be told. Don't want to let this story down. I liken it to dancing girl in front of you. She's shaking her hips, calling with her hands that she doesn't want to dance alone. One could stay seated, like so many others that don't have their potential realized. But when the Muse calls, even a baby knows to stand up. Enough of that. This declaration needed to be said aloud. Assurances need to be made and action needed to be taken.

There are many songs out there. Many stories that need dancing partners. However, catching up on some 365 projects--catching up with some 5 things I am grateful for.--catching up with drawing projects--catching up with pictures to be posted--one lest not forget Priority Number #1, get story written. Some songs/stories are classics.

There was a lady, I thought was my soul mate. Events occurred and things never seemed right. Timing was off. One person was here and the other there. One was on the East Coast, the other West. We switched places. She on the East and I lived on the left coast. This person was with someone and the other wasn't. Situation switched again. Emotionally, physically, spiritually--it was close, but not enough for that Jump. Now this person is M-ed. Didn't even realize this person was divorced or separated. When I discovered the last name changed, well, Fuck. My perspective change. My Attitude altered in some imperceptible way. Would take aerobic classes because it felt like I was with her. . .with her dancing.

Admittedly, I didn't like Zumba classes so much after the discovery of her newlywed status.  Reminded me of George Michael song, "Never going to dance again, guilty feeling got no rhythm." Left a class early because, I was feeling angry and I wasn't sure why it bothered me so. It was weeks after and I was upset. No. Rejected, dejected, and plain aghast. Anyways, that moment passed and I've moved on. Guess its true, Emotions causes Motion. Frankly, I occasionally get "Let's get the "F" out of here" feeling. Sometimes I act, but this is waning.

Its hard some time and life gets in the way of hopes and intentions. Half of this month is already gone and there is so much work to be done. What about those New Year's Resolutions. Almost ate a breakfast burrito and drank a diet pepsi this afternoon. Here only sixteen days of swearing off drive ins and soda for three months.

Deep breath and take little steps of this incredible journey. Horoscope said I needed to buckle down these next few days. Glad it did. Needed some words to get me moving. There is much life to be lived. Life that needs to written down. Stories to be told. Don't let them dance alone.

Not the post I first expected, but I hope it inspires one to get off their duff and go do what needs to be done. Get to stepping.

Hill Climbing

Climbed a hill today. It was Monday. Had Coco and thought its time to conquer this hill. Its morning. Energies rising and I had to be somewhere in an hour. Best get going and not think too much about it. Its not the first time I've been up here. Its the first time I decided to go farther. It was Pelona Vista Park. Overlooking the Highway 14 Freeway. Its also where the San Andreas Fault line is said to be located. From driving on the freeway, one can see the layers of the mountainside. Different colors signifying the displacement. Now I am on top and overlooking. If there was an earthquake this where the shift would happen. There were motorcycle tire tracks   in many areas. The barbed wire fence was stretched out so people can overlook the freeway. Actually someone posted a little sign saying "Have faith. . ." I think it was deterrent for any suiciders. Not me. Reminded me of the phones on the Golden Gate Bridge saying "Don't"

Had to stop and catch my breath as I was Hill climbing. Its funny how fast I became winded. I mean I can do a doubler in Zumba but climbing a Hill. I need to take a break and catch my wind. Guess body is unaccustomed to that physical strain. Don't want to beat myself up too much. I do have CHF and I haven't trained my body for that.

Its funny on my journey of recovery. I remember stopping at the freeway just to take a picture of the mountainside striation. I remember capturing the runner just squatting by the mountain. He must have been doing the same thing I was doing just watching the cars whiz by. Freeway reminds me of an artery or vein. All the cars and trucks would be red blood cells carrying their cargo to their destination. Some home. Some to school. Some to work. Picking up and dropping off people. Place to rest and regain energies. Place to drop off waste and jettison unwanted cargo.

Walking up the Hill like any hill is looking at the view. Could see Lake Palmdale. Could see the school and Hospital. Lowes and the Hotels. Could see the mall and all the cars whizzing by. You could also hear the planes overhead. Racing in the sky as a sea of clouds pass overhead. The Juniper and Joshua trees smells with muddied soil. Rain couple of nights ago. My New Balances felt unbalanced. Here's the link Walk long enough you are bound to see yourself

As I started heading down the mountain, I could see the walkers doing their circle around the park. Coco is barking at the dogs that can't see her. The vans with the special needs people are in the parking lot now. I stand for the moment, taking it all in. All my problems--All my issues--All my stuff--it no longer felt so heavy. With the change of altitude. my attitude changed. Felt more at peace in the day. The size of the stuff no longer weighed me. I wonder if that is why people call it "Getting High"?

In any event, its almost time to meet the SandMan.

Quo Vadimus

 Third attempt to write this post. This stream on consciousness right now isn't working. Putting thoughts to post. Ain't working. Feeling some residual anger. Feeling heated. Electric blanket is warming me and my temperature's risen. Not sure if its from an event that happened earlier. Won't get into it. Maybe its because of something I couldn't do nor can do. This feeling trapped in a situation of my own doing.

Deep breath. Hold it. Release. Again deep breath. Hold it. Release,

Okay, legs free from the heat. Now me and the keyboard. 

Let's see. Let's look back a little and see where we've been. Started writing my blog a few years back. Started with my former neighbor's son dying. He was an terrible accident. Four friends got in a wreck. Four crosses on the side of the road. Wrote about a former wrestler leaving their shoes on the mat signifying they left it all on the mat. Written abut Kanye and Taylor Swift debacle. Wrote about playing in the hospital when I was younger. Lot of the post was about ENS. Messed up here. Wish I could turn back the clock and be better than I am. Wrote about family and friends.

So what should I write about now. Its been more than seven years since that life event and by all rights I am different. A different person than when I started. Some things are the same. Others different. Who am I now and who do I wish to be. Life is not stagnant. A force. 

 

So what force is guiding me? What force is teaching me? What Force is it? Let's start by this. I believe in the Big Smile. I believe much of my issues are my own doing. Moreover, the methods to resolving these issues are within me. 

Where to now? Okay, while Google is looking this up, lets review my bucket list. Learn a new language. Learn Spanish. Learn Tagolog. Read 500 books. Write a book. Eat an Ostrich Omlete. Make Eggs Benedict. Little things. Big Things. There's more obviously. But what are the Core Dreams--Core Values--Core Actions? Well, I think 2016 will be this time of exploration. May need to revise the mission for this blog. May just to review. Whatever happens, quitting is not in my nature and does not sit with me well. To those that read, thank you. 

Quo Vadimus means. . .

Brief

Yesterday tried writing a post. Couldn't get past the first paragraph. Started with "Snow covering the San Gabriels. Clouds blanketed tops of the mountain. . ."After that it fizzled. Lack of au jus was the fate for yesterday's post. Zumba with Lucy and no weight training left me uninspired. So now, read a couple of Stormwatches. Haven't scanned any instagram and lost a chess match to my cousin. So I'm perturbed.

Had a brief shut eye. Coco is still catching hers. So I write with a deadline. Need to stop by the library to return some overdue materials in time to make it a Lito Zumba class. We'll see how it goes.

Let's listen. Filter for the aquarium is flowing. Fish, snail, and ghost shrimp I hope are still moving. Room is untidy. Books on the floor. Yesterday's clothes are strewn on the floor. Didn't make the hamper. Cups of water on the dresser. Window shades are covered, but the sunrays are making its weigh. Coco is besides me. Her stomach is moving up and down. She's alive. No snoring so I'm guess she's being all ninja like. Below the bed are tablets and phones being charged.

Not sure if my thermal will be appropriate gym ware. TV is off. Its better that way not to get too engaged to the story. Got my own to write. What's on the agenda? Bucket list stuff. Maybe I can finish December 2015 by night's end. Should get 365 project caught up. 5 things I am grateful for, too. Discovered from emails that the camera from store should be ready. I'll check next week. If I go to Barnes and Nobles, I'll stop by the Buy and pick her up.

House is quiet. Except for the filter. I am sure fish and ghost shrimp make noise. Just have listened yet. Room needs cleaning. Will do that tonight too. Lito's class should be up. He's usually an energized class. Coco is in REM now. her paws are twitching. Eyelids and ears too.Her breathing is more rapid and staccato. I wonder how my sleep is. Must be sight. Been having some dreams. Have done my dream log for a minute.

Times up. Let the day begin again.